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My father was diagnosed with early onset ALZ & I don't know what to do?
My 63 year old dad was recently diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer’s. My family dynamic is not exactly easy to mobilize to help with the long haul we’re in for. I don’t live in the same state & my sister (who does) hasn’t been much help (outside of directions ive tried to put in place from time-time).
Making matters worse is my dads 20 year girlfriend. They own a house together and are technically in a legal “domestic partnership”). She has never been very supportive in any matter, let alone something like this. She still works and travels almost half the month for business leaving him at home for 2-3 days at a clip. All the while interacting with every man on social media when out of town. If you saw her FB, you wouldn’t even know he she is with anyone. No pictures of them. No check-ins, likes. They’re barely friends.
They have never really been too in love...more like convenient partners after each of their first divorces. We’ve begged him to leave her several times (prior to the his health concerns) to no avail. Even when we see the frustration & depression sinking in through the years. He does not want to be alone (which i fully understand).
My sister has always said they’d take care of him, have him live with them if ever needed but he has always been a stubborn one & would never agree.
Neither my sister or my dad’s gf have helped with the doctors, appointments, paperwork...
My father is getting worse. Is on medication (when he remembers to take it) and conversations are slowly becoming harder and harder with everyone.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like I’m the only one that can diffuse the situation & lead things on the right path. It’s pretty impossible for me to move back home & every time i start the ball rolling with everyone, it always gets dropped and nothing progresses. It pretty much digresses every time and i have to start all over. My dad has alienated his friends and family over the years. Mostly because of the girlfriend. She always finds a way to piss them off one-by-one until they eventually stopped coming around completely.
He is on disability (gets something each month to live), has an ok (not exceptional) amount of money in savings, retirement plans that he can use (but hasn’t drawn from).
The main problem is the girlfriend. If we forced her out, it would lead a path for destruction. First, my father would be devastated if she ever left. They own a house together. Believes that he is and has always been in love with her. I’ve tried talking to the girlfriend, leveling with her, but she plays doe-eyed deer every time. Promising to help & take the lead, but never does. I’ve asked if nothing else if she could make sure medication is being taken & i still have no confirmation ever. She wouldn’t even take a morning off of work to drive him to a doctors appt & is completely manipulative. To her and pretty much everyone.
By not helping at all, she’s endangering my father every day. I’m trying to stay positive as much as possible, but the appearance is that she’s content with things this way. Uses it to her advantage some times, manipulating him by claiming she said or done things that i know 100% are inaccurate. She’s always been like this. And now it’s frightening to think she could be using it to her advantage every waking minute of the day because he won’t be remember most of it anyhow.
Should i be taking any preliminary legal actions at the moment (he refuses to sign a will by the way) in order to prepare for a fall-out with the girlfriend?
Should i hire a private detective to watch the girlfriend in case there is a domestic partnership battle over anything?
Has anyone had an experience like this with a difficult loved one & a manipulative spouse/partner?
Any advice at all would be sincerely appreciated! Thank you.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Hi Sincerely Appreciated,
Sorry I didn't have time to get my thoughts together on your question sooner;
You say you feel a sense of responsibility that you're the only one who can deal with the situation. Your sister, and doctors could help defuse the situation, but don't feel the obligation to. While I don't think that you should feel that this is solely your burden, or that you would be to blame for things continuing to be wrong, I do think it's admirable that you care enough for your father's health to want things to be better for him.
Feeling like there is nobody to help you doesn't mean you have to do everything yourself, and sometimes it is not within your ability. The concept that I think of is not a perfect fit, however I would recommend you look at circle of interest, vs circle of influence. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I would apply this in the sense that maybe you need to look at what things are easy wins, what you do have influence over. For example you said that your sister is not helpful unless you give her directions. You can't always be there to pull the strings on the puppet, but if she doe care about your father, maybe you can try an emotive appeal. You can try to help her see that there is an important person who will not be around forever, and that it's important for her to keep him company, so he is not lonely.
You may not influence your father to live with your sister, or influence your sister to push for him to move in, but you may improve the situation by reminding her that she should be sad, and she should care about him and see him. At the very least, guilt may drive her to visit more often, and this will make your father happier, and you will feel less stressed.
You didn't detail why it's impossible for you to move back home. You said that you start the ball rolling with everyone, and "it always gets dropped". You may feel like you need help to move, and you may have work that you need to keep, in order to keep yourself afloat financially, and I'm sorry, but I'll be frank; Saying 'the ball gets dropped by everyone when I try to move interstate' is a very passive way of looking at it. If you want to move, you move yourself, and you do as much preparation as you need. Whether you should move, or want to move is an entirely different question, and perhaps you don't really want to or need to move.
Ask yourself about your motivation, willingness, and finally, if you are willing and motivated, list up the blockers, and preparatory actions, what order they need to be done in, and start knocking them off one by one until they're gone.
What do you do when someone is stubborn and won't let other people look after them?
I think you need to be prepared for him to remain that way, and get more stubborn. This will be an incredibly difficult experience for you, but in the end, if he is being stubborn, pushing harder will meet with more resistance. You will need the patience to be gentle, sit back and allow him to do what he will, and help from other people. (Help with him, and emotional support for you).
"conversations are slowly becoming harder and harder with everyone."
I think you need to understand the progression of Alzheimer's, and prepare yourself mentally for this. Different people change at a different rate, and there may be things that will slow that rate, but ultimately, it's likely you need to be prepared for a decline over time, be prepared to grieve, be prepared to deal with the person you knew fading in and out, and eventually mostly out. Savour what you have while it's there, and give him your love in caring for him as long as you can, with the help of caring professionals.
A few suggestions on things that could help with forgetfulness; Pill organisers that have days and times written on them, routine based on time of day, a sequence in which he does things, or a specific spot he will always put objects can help to alleviate the issue of losing objects, or forgetting to do something. The more established a routine is, the more likely he will be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle, and remember what comes next. I have also heard there may be scientific merit to listening to classical music.
Any time someone really close to you is unwell, or going to die, or has died, it's very scary, sad, depressing etc. Please regularly check that you are taking care of yourself too.
Now for the girlfriend thing:
The wording in your question confused me at first. I think that you're saying that your father and his girlfriend have been together for 20 years. At first I thought you were saying she is 20. Depending on which one it is, my perspective changes dramatically, from "She's a gold-digger", to (If she is also older) that they may have grown together, and that she may also be afraid of being alone. It is unfortunate, that she does sound a bit self-centred, and it is a concern that she seems to keep him a secret. Perhaps she is setting herself up to have ongoing relationships when he's gone.
I would recommend that you study up on Narcissism, and method that narcissists use to cut people off from their friends and family. Alienating people from their friends and family can assist narcissists in having more control over people who they manipulate, and making those people feel like the narcissist is the only person that the victim has left. Understanding what the girlfriend may be doing to keep people out of the picture of the two of them will help you combat it.
The next thing I will suggest you think about; I don't want to be mean, or sound fantastical, is it simply something I think I would consider in your position. If it's completely wrong of me to think it possible, I apologise in advance; Is it possible your father's domestic partner is poisoning him and contributing to the onset of medical issues? Domestic partnership = inheritance. What does she stand to gain if he becomes less healthy and passes away sooner rather than later?
Do you think that your father would be open to the idea of using nanny-cams, to ensure that she doesn't lie to him, and that he is safe from mistreatment?
I hope that some of this gives you ideas on a way forward for you, and questions to ask yourself to act on.
-Silentone
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Its not always possible to make people act exactly like the way you want to, neither your sister not his girlfriend. The only way, you can look after your father is to take all his responsibility upon yourself, Seeing your father's mental and physical condition, it wont be a wise decision to give him any shock. As for the girlfriend, you can hire a detective and collect proofs against her, in case she does anything visibly harmful you can use those proofs to warn her.
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This question is troubling on so many levels I don't even know where to start. You say "over the years" he has alienated people because of the girlfriend. I really hope her age is a typo because how many years could he possibly have been with a now 20-year-old divorcee??? Nor does the rest of the story make any sense. You say they have never really been in love, more like convenient partners after their respective divorces, however, a few paragraphs later you say he believes he "is now and always has been" in love with her. This makes a little more sense because why else would he elect to alienate all of his friends and family members over the years in coming to her defense if he didn't have feelings for her.(You claim this all happened before the Alzheimer's so apparently, he was aware of the consequences.) The tone of your letter suggests that she is merely a golddigger, but from what you say later, he lives on Social Security while she works and apparently supports herself. I know you find it difficult to believe she cares for him, but I am failing to see where she would have a lot to gain from this arrangement financially. If he has been with her a lot of years and he has chosen to will his estate to her then his family should have enough respect for him to accept his decision concerning the assets he earned. I am going to just cut to the chase and advise you to speak with an attorney.(If you have the resources to hire a private detective to follow her then I have to assume this won't be a financial hardship for you.) The attorney can then advise you on how to handle any future legalities that may arise. I would also advise you to enlist the help of your local agency on aging to ensure that your father is not being endangered in any way. I hope for father's sake that everyone involved can set aside their differences and act in his best interests.
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I'm going to go ahead and tell you to take the time to sit down and pray about this, because you are going through a lot dealing with all of this. I believe you should take the time to call his doctor and talk to them about it, if they can't do anything to help you... take the actions you listed above. Maybe help your dad write a will and have him sign and have a nice 1 on 1 talk with him about everything. Idk if that's much help, but I hope it's at least a step forward from the situation. I will keep you and your dad in my thoughts and prayers.
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So sorry to hear about your father and that your family is growing through this.
This is a very difficult situation as you know. You are not close and even if you were if he has someone that he is in a domestic partnership with that person is in charge of decision making and if that is also her home it’s going to be difficult for her to leave. The only way you will get him away from her is by putting him in a home and again I believe she would have to agree. I definitely recommend speaking to a lawyer to see what your options would be or have them check into his relationship her in case there is something that can be done.
It’s nice that you care for your father and you should continue to help where they allow it.
I wish i had a better advice for you.
Sorry again
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Have faith in your family. If you want to, pray. Just do what you can to help. And if it makes you feel better you can hire a private detective. I know what your going through if you need to talk you can always message me. Don't give up.
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You do have quite a tricky and involved situation here. It is a perfect example of why age and infirmity in our family and indeed ourselves, are so dauntig a prospect for all of us. Does his partner realise that this condition is not going to either get better, or go away? Could you sit down with her and discuss things? Point out that you and your family don't feel she is being anywhere near as supportive as she could and should be. Is she willing to take on the responsibility for his well-being, or is she not? You have an ace in your hnd in that if you feel that she isn't you could refer the whole thing to social services. They will not see anyone wilfully neglected. And have the power to have him taken into a care home. In which case her convenient life-style will abruptly end. And his savings and also any revenue raised by the sale of the property will be used to fund his care. I would certainly make this my first act. Try to carry it off with confidence, that it is no bluff and you can and will refer his case unless you see things improve. And watch how she reacts to the ultimatum. You're opening with your highest value sanction here, which is not always a great plan since if it fails you have to back down. So maybe sow a few seeds of doubt first, over a short-ish period. Mention whether you think he might be better with a fmily member? Or in professional care? Ask how she's coping and offer to help when you can? She'll get the idea that you ain't messing. And if she's manipulating him/the situation/both to her own ends as much as you believe she is, she'll get properly nervy and jumpy. I would hope she just hasn't grasped the full implications of this distressing condition and that with a bit of a push and a wake-up call she will take-on her responsibilies. You will at least be making her aware that the 'carrying on like before' option is simply NOT an option when the well-bing of your father is at stake. Best wishes.
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I would say talk to a lawyer. It sounds like she has legal claim to the house if cause its in both their names. Also, if he has Alzheimer's, maybe he is not capable of making his own decisions (talking about the "sound mind" part of the will). So, maybe the family or the lawyer decides what goes to whom. I don't know how that works if the person is not of sound mind.
If the lawyer says she has the right to this and that, and you suspect that digging up dirt on her would help your case, bring that up to him. See if it would make any difference if you succeeded on getting dirt.
If she is unwilling to take care of him appropriately, you might have to hire someone to take care of him.
He might be aware that she is using him to a point, but he'd rather have that than be alone. Especially now that he's like that. So she might be the lesser of 2 evils.
I've heard that coconut oil can have a positive impact on Alzheimer's. Maybe even cure it. Not sure if its proven, but some claim it works, including some doctors. Its worth looking into.Good luck.
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My mother in law from my ex has full blown dementia and I've known of others in my neighborhood, a single elderly woman who would end up wandering the roads near home on a hot summers day, bundled up as if it was 20 below zero and we assumed she didn't remember where her home was. We tried to get her to come in our car as we knew where she lived but she refused. I worried about her when we collected payment in person for our adult newspaper route. She opened her wallet, handed me a hundred dollar bill and asked if that was enough. I was horrified that others could easily take advantage of her state and began to ask if she had a address book I could look at, a son or daughter I could call. She couldn't comprehend what I was asking and I was too young to know of such a thing as agencies that you can call if an older adult needed services so they could live comfortably to the end.
With you in another state, you can't be checking on him and when he gets even worse, or no longer recognizes you and puts up a fuss it's harder to deal with an adult who thinks you're a stranger who walked into their house or worse yet, that they are a prisoner being kept by a stranger in some strange house, I've heard both scenerios with people I know. I don't have experience with a manipulative partner. But I can say that legally, a girlfriend is not a wife, no matter how long they had been together unless that state believes common law marriages to be as legal as the other.
If not, a lawyer can help you to get the paperwork done to be handler of all issues pertinent to his welfare. If a girlfriend is ignoring or endangering him, there are agencies that protect the elderly or mentally ill from abuse or neglect of hired caregivers, or family or friends in caregiving role. So WHen you get a lawyer involved, I don't think you'll have to worry about the girlfriend anymore.
YOu may at some point need Power of attorney or guardianship depending on the mental ability of the loved one.
The following article is related to alzheimers
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I have been to nursing homes after Dad had a stroke. The facility also had Alzheimers patients there and all the doors were locked and you had to be buzzed in. Too many Alzheimer people like the woman I mentioned on our paper route will wander off, become lost and could die if the weather is bad, or they cross a street as a car is coming or some person takes advantage, beating them to get what money they carry. At some point, he will need to be in such a facility and if you are the legal caregiver, you'll want him moved to a place close to you so it is easier for you to check on him and make sure he is being taken good care of. Not all facilities are as good as they appear as we found out first with our Mom and later with our Dad. You don't want an under staffed place neglecting him.
Get an elder law attorney asap and they will be able to guide and help you navigate what must be done at this stage and what must happen later.
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I'm sorry to hear that your father has been diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer’s. It is a horrible disease one which his family must prepare to put him in a proper facility to care for him as unfortunately as spouses and children we are not able to care for Alzheimer’s patients once the disease takes full hold.
Your thought bout seeking legal help is the right one. You need to seek medical and financial power of attorney over him before his girlfriend has him sign papers giving her those rights. Since she is not his wife she, at the moment, has no legal standing for him. The sooner you ask the court to appoint you as his legal guardian in these matter the better it will be for both you and your family.
My suggestion is you quickly seek out a family law attorney familiar with the laws i the state your father lives in as well as where you live. Make sure you sibling(s) understand what your doing and why and that you are not trying to cheat then out of any inheritance that you will share equally. In fact ask the lawyer about if there is some legal way to put that in writing as without a will as his guardian I believe the state would award you his property so ask the attorney.
I know and I understand the thought of putting a loved one especially a parent in a nursing home is abhorrent to just about all of us. In this instance as abhorrent as it may be to you it is in the best interest of you dad to place him in a home that specializes in the care of Alzheimer’s patients. It would not be to early to start looking for one know and asking there advice on how the best way to make the transition.
Good luck and try not to get frustrated. You might consider a seeking out a psychologist for yourself to help you deal with the frustrations ahead of you.
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