stargirl51's advice column

askstargirl51

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: I'm a 16, almost 17 year old female, junior in high school. For my whole life I've struggled with my weight, and now I'm finally getting tired of it. I'm about 5'3 or 5'4. I weigh about 167 pounds. I don't LOOK that fat but I know that I am. I'm very self-concious, because out of my group of friends I've always been the 'chubby one'.

I know many people will say exersize and eat healthy, but that just doesn't really cut it for me.
I try to eat healthy & I run cross country, play basketball & softball all for my school.
I don't want to mention to my parents or doctor about losing weight because I'm embarassed by it.
I know I shouldn't be, but I just am.

If anyone could help me in anyway possible I'd really appreciate it.
I want to get this under control before I hit college and have to fear the "freshman 15".

Thanks.

You said that you're very self-conscious so maybe the "fat" is what you're viewing yourself and not how others view you. Do your friends really call you the chubby one?

A lot of people are consulting their doctors about losing weight, so you shouldn't be embarassed. You really should talk to your doctor to see if you're at a healthy weight and to see what sort of diet regiment you should go for. Otherwise, it seems like you're doing just fine in being active and attempting to eat healthily.

My piece of advice other than you need to consult your doctor is that the "freshman 15" is a complete and utter myth. It comes from unconscious eating on campus through the meal plans (and campus doesn't usually have healthy food), lack of exercise because you're tired or studying all the time, and probably one too many keggers (especially if you go to my school). So really, just be aware of what you eat freshman year and you won't have to fear the "freshman 15."

There's actually a few people I know who have lost weight freshman year. I lost weight from running around campus and snacking on healthy foods from home (or fruit). Plus if you live on campus, you can go to the gym more often since it's right on campus.

But really, get in touch with your doctor first about a healthy lifestyle. And maybe work with a counselor to tackle self image issues.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: How do I stop looking and going to my currently exs house??cause were not together and I'm depressed so how do I stop looking for him he lives in the mext street we were 2gether for 8 months it was a serious mature relationship..I felt he was cheating on me since he started working in burger king..and everytime I go 2 his house he says some hurtful thing help 16 f houston,tx

I know I can't tell you to just stop.

There's hobbies you can take up. games. sports. clubs. Things you can do at school that you can channel this energy into.

8 months may have seem like a long time now. But later on, you're gonna look back and think "God, why did I waste my time?"

Really...give it time. Just invest your energy into other things. And soon he'll be a distant memory.

Cheers,
stargirl

Q: Can herbal tablets build up in the system.

I am taking kelp and alfalfa.

Kelp tablets twice a day - 150
Alfalfa once a day - 500 mgs

Before taking into any herbal regime, you need to consult your doctor or health care professional.

Most herbs are labeled to let the user know that they should be taken topically. Meaning you should stop after a while so that your body could absorb the nutrients into its system and not cause any long term damage.

Cheers,
stargirl

Q: Hi im a 16 year old female. And I want to go to Spelman University. Im a high school senior graduating in June. But the problem is I live in Virginia, and my mother wants me to go to an all girl college, but she wants me to stay in Virginia, really Richmond cuz thats where we live. But I've already gotten my hopes up on Spelman, Ive been wanting to go there for so long. My question is how can I convice her to let me go.

Well, you don't even know if you've gotten in yet.

So ask this question when you've been accepted to Spelman. That's the better time to discuss whether or not your mom can let you go to college elsewhere.

Things change over time. You might find another University you're interested in by the time you're a junior or senior in high school.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: my bf broke up with me yesterday but we got bak 2gether. but the thing is that he said he doesnt know if he loves me anymore, and i was just scared because i really love him, and i never cry when people tell me stuff like that, but with him i cried my eyes out, and he heard me and he told me not to cry, and he felt really bad but we're good now i guess but im just not sure if i want my heart broken again with him, what if the same things happen and same problems, and my best friend told me that he told her that he wanted 2 make out with her at the movies, and she said he was like: i would have ditched her for u, and i just really dont know what to do, im so confused with my brain and my heart.♥

You're young. Chances are you're a beautiful young lady.

This guy may feel like the love of your life but don't worry, he's a jerk it sounds like. So let go of him. Let yourself cry. It's all a part of growing up. Then get going on the road again. It'll be a long journey rebuilding yourself but you can do it because you have the support of your friends and random strangers on advicenators.

Chances are Mr. Right is still out there somewhere waiting for you.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: Hi im 17/f and im a senior in high school this yaer. Next year im going to college. I wanna move out but my mother wants me to stay home. What are some ways to convince her that i can be independent and move out. She says its cheaper and less expensive i agree but i want more freedom you know. She says if i live with her my curfew is going to be midnight and that sucks! Please help

There's no way to negotiate some less restrictive rules?

Anyhow, if she's that concerned, offer to go apartment shopping with her. That way, it would let her know that you are responsible to pick out a safe neighborhood and safe roommates. Promise to call and what have you.

Another thing is to try to negotiate things. She can't stop you if you're up in the library doing a late night project. Or even later evening seminars that you're required to go to.

To gain independence, prove your responsibility. That'll make her trust you more.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: what do people mean when they sex changes everything?

does it normally change in a bad or a good way?

thanks.

It changes how you look at the world, it changes the dynamics of your relationship, it changes how you walk, talk, and how you think.

Lots of good changes, a few uncomfortable changes, maybe even some bad changes.

If it's with the right person, a lot of good changes will happen.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: 16/m.

K to start off, my girlfriend of two weeks broke up with me about three weeks ago this friday (aka the week after homecoming..). I took it as a low blow because the monday after she broke up with me she had a new boyfriend (WTF?!) I was infuriated, and he isn't the nicest of guys (pot head). ANYWAYS, I got over it and I started to like this girl who has liked me for a while now. And I asked her out and we're currently dating. Im just wondering if it was too early for me to get back into a relationship? I mean the girl Im dating now is amazing and I wouldn't give her up for anyone, but was me rushing into another relationship a bad decision?

There is no real set date/time period between break up and time to be up and dating again. The only person who sets that is you. Whenever YOU feel you're ready is when you're ready.

So no, it doesn't seem like you were rushing to me.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: oh myy. alright well.me and my boyfriend were togther for 13 months. him and me were like lil kids together, we did so much for each other, sometimes me a little more for him. he cheated on me once, just kissing another girl, about 10 monhts or less into the relationship. we got back together, i dont really regret it. well, anyways.. he moved to florida, i live in ny, about two months ago. we stayed together for a month, well tried to. we fought a lot, we worried a lot, he mentioned ending it. and it was just so aparent we had to be done. my whole life, i have been serously let down, and him doin this to me, cause i knew this would happen, makes me numb. i dont wanan cry, i dont ever wanna talk to him, i have feelings of hate, and its hard.. because, i do still care. i am just sooo let down. its been two weeks, i havent talked to him. i dont even know how to write this explaning how i feel. it kills me knowing he can be with other girls, it kills me knowing its come to this, he was my first love, lost my virginity to him, went through so much with him, and in a matter of words, it has all turned around. all i feel is numbness, a little devistation, and some happiness from relief of stress. hes coming home i guess in a month.. and, idk.. i dont know to talk to him, but i feel like that wil make me more upset. or just not talk to him, i dont even know haha. hes tried talkin to me, its just.. weird.. he says i love you and then other things hes like justnot him.. and i dont want to be messed with so i just dont talk to him..

anyhelp. at all. advice, relaated experiences, will be more than anything to me.

You are doing very good job so far by avoiding him.

This gives you time to get over him and get out on your own.

Time heals all wounds. And you're doing the best first step possible: taking the time to step away.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: so, i just graduated high school this year. most of my friends are still senior in high school, but now that im graduated, i swear it feels like IVE DIED. they hardly talk to me anymore, and that depresses me. i love them so much. also, i cant get over the fact that not only did i graduate and leave HIGH SCHOOL, but i also left the drama club, cheerleading, and show choir behind as well.. im just seriously so depressed about this. graduating and leaving high school is supposed to be the happiest time of your life.... its not. a have a couple questions here... :

is it normal to honestly still miss high school and all the things it comes with this much??

how do i cope with this?

i feel like ive been riped out of my comfort zone, torn away from the people i grew up with, and forced to leave the things i love doing. does ANYONE feel this way after graduating???

It's a big, scary world out there. It's totally normal to feel that out of place when you first get out.

Did you start college this term? Get involved with the drama club and cheerleading on campus.

Go to your local community center or community college. They will have plenty of opprotunities that will fit in with show choir, cheer, and drama.

You'll meet more people and make more friends. It'll definitely help you slowly get through the depression.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: okay so this weekend was crazyyy! parties were wild and they were in cities that are half an hour and over an hour away! well I met this guy on friday at the party and we've been talking ever since then. he told me and my friend that we should go to the party Sunday and long story short he wanted us both and he wouldn't make up his mindd! so Sunday I got wasted and was all over the guy and a lot of them were all over me, prob is this guys a player apparently and he prob just wants action but he says to me that he likes me and stuff so I really dk what to do I really want to believe him but at the same time I can't bc I'm prob not the only girl he says this to. he said he wants to see me soon and that he wants to kissme and that we should do shots tg and get naked he says he's jk but he didnt take advantage of me at the party so idk, there are so many details and so much drama went on this weekend and even though I know this guy prob just wants action I can't stop thinking about him! what should I do? :( we live only a half hour away from each other and hes 18 I'm 16 I left out way too many details though but I just kinda needed to vent to people who know nothing about the situation and see what they think!
thank you for your helpp!

Just forget about him.

There's something much better waiting around the corner. Really.

Get wasted and being a drunk all over him gives the obvious hint of "Hey, I'm easy, baby."

Just forget about him. There are WAY better guys out there.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: f/15
Okay, so I come from a Muslim family.
We believe that having sex is only allowed after marriage.
My mother and father have been divorced for about 8 years now, since I was around 7.
None of them have gotten remarried.
However, my mom has had this so called "boyfriend" for some time now, maybe 2 years.
He is a lot younger than her, by about 8 years. He's 37.
I don't really like him. There have been a few incidents where my mom was fighting with him and was crying because she believed he was cheating on her.
My mother has many self esteem issues, she thinks she is fat and ugly, etc, which makes it only more likely that she think he is cheating on her.
If you ask me, I would say he probably was cheating, as he is quite cute, young, and healthy.
Anyways, for almost 3 months now, I have been waking up in the middle of the night to the sounds of them having sex.
I am absolutely HORRIFIED and DISGUSTED by it.
Sometimes they do it in the room RIGHT NEXT to mine, and other times they do it downstairs.
They are extremely loud and it's always at times like 3 or 4 in the morning. Last time was at 6 in the morning...
I was waking up early to do my homework and that's what I heard!
That time I threw a water bottle at the door because I could not stand it anymore.
Other than that, I have not said or done anything.
Sometimes when I am cleaning the house I find male or even female condoms in her drawers.
Just last week I saw an opened female condom on the floor near the garbage can......
However, I believe they are both drunk when they do it. I don't really know if this man is an alcoholic but I know that my mom sure likes that vodka.
There was even an incident a couple of months ago when I went downstairs to get some water, and my mom attempted to hide him in our breakfast room, which is the same place where the water bottles are.
I saw him and I got really angry, I said "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" and went upstairs.
It seemed like they were both drunk though.
Anyways, I would really like some help with this subject.
I find it very disturbing and I cannot withstand it any longer.
Please help me!

Whoa whoa whoa.

I can understand that it's culturally disturbing to bear sort of witness to all of this. But before you can take action you need to take a deep breath and calm down.

Sit your mother down and talk to her about her activities and how you feel about them. Tell her you're very uncomfortable with the fact that they are engaging in such activities, do things extremely loudly, and leave evidence everywhere.

Let her know that you are concerned.

But take a death breath first! Any time you feel like you're getting riled up or angry, count to 10.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: what are the chances of being pregnant if you have never missed a period, have had literally about 80-100 negative pregnany tests done and one negative blood test from the doctor but have had uterine cramping and pain for the past 4 months.

Very low.

Uterine cramping and pain could be attributed to other things besides pregnancy. Did you check with your medical professional to see what it was? It could be anything: severe cramps, egg detaching, a cyst, etc etc

cheers,
stargirl

Q: okay for a while now my moms mental health had been droppin drastically...dillusions and constant mood swings and tons of other sypmtoms that go with bi-polar disorder. today she went in and explained to the doctor what was happening to her...after we all told her we thought she was bi polar she wanted to go see for herself. Well as we all thought she is bi polar and she has been put on medication...but we as a family really don't know how to deal with this. She will be on medication to help her but things seem different now that we truly now what is wrong. What can we as a family do to help support her in the drastic change in our lives?

Best thing you guys can do as a family is retain a sense of normalcy and be supportive when she gets into a slip up.

Come together as a family unit and help each other out around the house or in general.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: first off if you read this i just wanna thank you =)

okay this is probably normal..but i always get sexual attractions for my boyfriend and when we make out and stuff i always get extremely wet...i think thats good? however, im so afraid to have sex even though i definetly know we're not gonna for awhile...so is it normal to have sexual attractions yet not wanting to have sex?

also, when alot of people make out the hands move...he kinda just puts his arms around me and they stay there basically the whole time...does that mean anything? i tried moving his hands and he goes with where i move them to but then they just stay there and i want him to know that its okay for him to move them..without tellnig him that, so how do i drop little hints?

btw, hes told me that hes never been this crazy about a girl before but we havent said "i love you" yet because we both feel its too early in the relationship to decide yet...

any advice on anything would be really appreciated!

It's perfectly normal to be horny and not want to have sex.

When he puts his arms around you, that means he wants to hold you in his arms. He's in no rush for busy hands (that's a VERY good thing). But if you want him to move his hands, try moving your hands. encourage him. Tell him it's all right to move his hands.

He might just want to take things slow. So give him a bit of time before those hands start going off on a mind of their own.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: whenever im not with my boyfriend, all i ever talk about is him. like CONSTANTLY. and im like always depressed when im not with him... is that like, weird?

not...WEIRD per se.

You're in love.

Did you guys JUST get together? Because it could be the honeymoon phase too. Give it a few months.

Instead of being depressed or only talking about him, try getting all sorts of hobbies. Then whatever you decide on (sport, cooking, etc) you can share with your boyfriend!

cheers,
stargirl

Q: I'm a senior and have been thinking of what I would like to do when I get to college, what to major in. Well I came down to it. Interior design. I'm pretty good at what looks good where, and what not, but I'm no expert.
My classes for my major, they will teach us what patterns and stuff go together right?

Like you don't just have to have an eye for interior design, you can be taught?

Before you decide on a major, try taking a few various classes (that's what general education is for: to help you explore your passions). Chances are, for interior design, you'd need to take a few art classes first. And I do mean art. Like painting and drawing.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: I had sex in August. Last month i got my period on time..but it was only 4 days. Still as heavy as usual. Right around now i should be getting my period again, but when i wipe its just brown...Am i pregnant?

No, you're not pregnant. The brown is oxidized blood. Meaning the iron in the blood made contact with air and rusted therefore, brown.

If you're that concerned, wait until after your period a couple of days, then take a pregnancy test.

If you practiced safe and consensual sex, then you shouldn't be pregnant.

cheers,
stargirl

Q: if food takes 24 hrs to get digested then how is the coffee i am drinking this morning gonna affect me right now? or the sugar i eat right now make me hyper? im a little confused.

food takes 24 hours to be digested, but it takes about 8 hours to get absorbed into your body.

This is why you get sugar rushes, coffee jitters, etc.

Cheers,
stargirl

Q: Ok so me and my best friend from college just discovered that we like eachother. The problem with it is he has a girlfriend of two years and he wants to break up with her but he cant for some reason. We've been hanging out alot and its getting harder for me to be around him because i know he still has a girlfriend. He still hasnt broke up with her and i have been wondering why not. What do i do about this situation?

He probably hasn't broken up with her yet because he hasn't gotten the courage to do so. And the reason he doesn't have the courage is because he wants to string both of you along.

Talk to him about it. Don't get distracted by pretty promises. Get straight to the point.

Cheers,
stargirl