about

I'm not going to sugarcoat anything for you. I'm going to give you advice that lets you know the reality of the situation. I'll make sure you know everything, the good and the bad. I'm here to target the reality, not the moral. I don't care about the "right" thing to do. I care about the "best" thing to do. Send me a question, and face the reality.

advice

I have a lot of friends, I would usually consider myself content. I like all my friends, but feel most comfortable in my little "group" of maybe 10 or so people who I think are closer. But sometimes I feel like if I left, no one would be really bothered by it. I don't feel particularly liked, and I feel extremely self-conscious when I am faced with either the choice of trying to finally talk to people I know, but don't actually have acquaintance-ships with, or just hanging out by myself. When I finally feel like I'm accepted (become part of an actual group, made guy friends, and then made friends with the most popular girl in school) there is someone who doesn't know who I am and doesn't care. Sometimes I just feel like throwing up or something because no matter how hard I try there is always something not right. Sometimes when I make friends with the "it" girl, I think that being friends with her will assure me friendships with her friends, but it never does. I like to be liked and when I'm not and put out of my comfort-zone, I feel like the little kid who's picked on and disliked. I thought that dressing nice and being nice and looking pretty and being smart would just give me a ticket into anywhere, but it doesn't. I feel like everyone is making this more difficult for me than it is for everyone else. I just feel sick and I don't know what to do. Sorry if this is long. Thanks in advance.

I know this sounds retarded.... but why would you make friends with the 'it' girl just to make friends with her friends? I know I'm not supposed to give such idealistic advice, but wouldn't it be better just to make friends with people you like?
You shouldn't feel like you have to make friends for the sake of having friends.
I've made tons of friends but even with those friends, I rarely hang out with them. I spend alot of time at home and working. But I constantly get calls or invites, but I'm too busy.
Maybe you should try to become more independant. If you aren't after people, they might come after you.
People like people who exert confidence, but don't try too hard. I made alot of friends because I really didn't care whether I did or not. and I made friends. But a girl who tried too hard and tried to please everyone and make friends with everyone is pretty much shunned. Even if people DO like you, if you try too hard they'll think that you're too dependable. You know? Like you're already their friend so they don't need to make you feel liked.
Act spontaneous, don't care about making friends, because friends'll come eventually. Friends aren't what's most important. You are. So don't worry so much about it.

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My predicament is pretty complicated, I gotta say. I don't really want flimsy answers or something that's just going to reiterate what I've typed down. Solutions people, I need soluttionnnssss.

Ok. So. To start at the beginning I met this guy. I'm practically the only democrat in my school so when I met him and found out he was a democrat I was more attracted to him. So we've talked for a long time and he's been really nice, and I draw in class and he's taken an interest in my art and all that stupid sappy cheesy CRAP.

But anyway. One day he tells me he's making a Bolshevik's club at my school. I had no idea what the Bolshevik's were; I just assumed it wasn't anything bad because he wasn't a bad person and we seemed to share the same views. He showed me what he wanted, and it was a girl and a boy standing side by side and the arms closest to eachother are raised. The girl is holding a sickle and the boy is holding a hammer-thing, and they're crossing them. So I just agreed and said I'd try and get it done over the weekend.

Well I come home, and decide to do some research on these 'bolsheviks'. Sadly, I came to find they were communists. Communism is not something I believe in. It is an extremely left wing theory where all classes are to be equal. I don't think anybody can excell or live up to their full potential that way. I just don't find it fair, or right.. if we lived in a communist world what would the point of trying be?

So I was naturally appalled that I had agreed to endorse this club with my drawing. But what was I going to do? I still kind of like this guy even if he is a little extreme, but I don't want to support communism with my drawing (the drawing would be used on flyers around my school to support the club)

So, I have to have come to a solution by sunday night, at least.. help me, please?

It's your opinion, you have a right to it. But it's pointless to tell him that you don't agree at all with his ideas. Sure that might be the right thing to do and one of those cheesy 'be true to yourself' sort of things, but I'm not sure how effective that will be especially since you still like the boy. Here are some options:

1) Tell him you can't. Draw a really crappy sketch that you know he won't want. Say that you had artists block, you're busy, can't concentrate, parents all sorta excuses.

2) Say you didn't know what bolsheviks were and that you'd be glad to make it up to him with something else. [ a different favor or something, bribe him ;)]

3) Draw him a "I agree to disagree" picture. Show it to him after telling him that you don't agree with communism. [don't say "I HATE COMMUNISM" or something like that, say something like "I'm not really into communism. It's not that I hate it or anything, I don't really have a strong opinion on it. It's cool that you're forming this club, but I don't think I should join till I get into it."

4) Draw it. Suck it up and just do it.

I'm not saying that you should do all of these. I'm just giving you some ideas you might try. I don't agree with some of the choices, but I'm not you and in the end, it's always your choice.

Good Luck.

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I'm pretty sure you'll give me an honest answer, to this.
I'm 13, & All my friends are 13. I have to friends Christina & Shanice. Theres this boy named Zac who We all three like. Only me & shanice are keeping it a secrect from Christina. Because thats her boyfriend.(Were like not all three like bestfriends or a little circle group. or anything) But see I moved away, SO i don't go to school with them anymore..Me & shanice liked zac ever since last year & christina knows it, but assumed we were over him. Well tonight Christina had me & zac on 3 way and we were all talking like we used to and when he hanged up she said "I like zac likes you, but i got to call you tomorrow". She's unsure & confused if this kid really likes her, And i really don't believe she knows I wouldn't date zac or shanice wouldnt date him. I told her I wouldn't.
But truthfully, I still find him to be an amazingly good friend, a very cute guy, & I still do like him. Shanice knows this & agrees but she likes the idea better of me dating him (Or she says?) And Christina told me she seriously believes he likes me.
But my problem is, I would date/go out with him. If he asked. But I'm afraid of hurting feels. Sorry this is so long. :/

...so.. are you asking me whether you should date him if asks you? or whether you should believe what all your friends are telling you about him liking you?

well before I continue I'll say one important piece of advice. "read between the lines"

I'm serious. Friends are terrified of hurting each other. Some times they might be saying something just to be selfless. like how shanice says it's better with him dating you, think about it, why would she say that if she likes him?

Because she's being your friend and being polite in a way.

another check to reality for you, don't let all those assumptions and observations get to you head. I'm not being pessimistic, but in reality, you really can't judge from things your friends say. Though it may seem like he likes you from what all your friends say, it probably seems like it because you want him to like you.

from someone on the outside, they aren't so sure. I had a friend who strongly believed that this boy liked her, saying stuff like "he looked at her" and how he "seemed to look sad when she ignored him" but he was really popular and if he liked a girl he would've just went up and talked to her, not stare at her. He's not that type of guy, I've known him for 4 years. from me it was obvious but for her...let's say she was "blinded by love"

don't be blinded. Take a look and think, what are the REAL hints that he likes you? what are the REAL hints that he likes Christina or Stanice?

Also don't make a move on him if Christina's still dating him. and don't date him till at least a bit after they break up. Don't cause any hostility between you and your friends. Think about how much it must be hurting Christina because her boyfriend likes another girl, and her friend at that.

with a situation like this, I'm sorry to say it's almost impossible to not hurt any feelings. What happens next isn't necessarily your choice, but more like Zac's.

--therealist

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there is this girl at school that is completely intolerable. she constantly brags about her wealth, her popularity, blah blah blah & oh my god she LIES about everything. basically...i hate her. anyway...her & my best friend have always been really close. recently my best friend has been ditching me COMPLETELY to hang out with this obnoxious girl. this girl has totally changed my best friend into a clone of herself. what can i do to make my friend aware of this. she is stuck WAY up this girls ass & she's changing for the worst. it breaks my heart. ]:

wow. that IS obnoxious.

well there are several options.

1. give up on her. If she's going to get so easily influenced and can't even tell when she's being a total ass, then maybe it's time to move on. Of course this is probably the last thing you want to do because from your description you two sound very close.

2. smile even if it hurts. maybe you'll be in a class with her that the other girl isn't in. act nice to her, like nothing's wrong. Maybe she'll notice compared to the way you treat her and the way she acts, there's something wrong.

3. act like her. treat her like she treats you. Childish, yes, but hopefully effective. Sooner or later she's going to ask you why you've been so obnoxious to her, and just ask her same thing. It might backfire if she's incredibly stubborn and is really blind to the fact that she's acting like a clone.

4. talk to her. but whatever you do, DO NOT tell her straight out that she's acting like a clone. She'll get offended before denying and hating you forever. though it's the harsh harsh truth, she sounds like she probably won't appreciate it. if you really need to talk to her. try comparing her and her friend subtly. Ask about the other girl and then ask the same questions to her. try to let her see how similar she's become to that girl.

5. try to get her back. invite her over. ask her to hang out. maybe she'll return to her old self if she's around you enough. if she denies it, get one of the girls that are still her friends to "throw a party" and show up. you can even offer to throw the whole party yourself but just use the other girls name if she's trying to avoid you. She's still your best friend, so use every oppurtunity you have to try and get her to remember that.

I've just been listing options for you cause I'm here for advice not for decision making. it's your problem, so you're the most suited for the final decision. Good luck.

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Okay I put this in the category "Relationships -> Friendship" because I didnt know what else it would be classified as.

But lets get one thing straight,
the girl I'm going to talk about I am not friends with her.

Okay, well I was adopted and so was this girl, from the same place. And when we were in elementary school we tried to be friends, it didnt really work, she like lives for PITY, (because she was adopted).. and after we figured out it couoldnt work (well I figured it out)
we just stopped talking.


But now speed forward, to highschool.
She is bugging the crap out of me, my freshman year (last year) i felt bad for her, so yet again I befriended her, and she made it worse, she became freakishly clingy, and caused a LOT of drama. And i said I've had it and I'm not going ot be your friend. Not now anymore, or ever. And you cant convince me too.
I've talked ot school counsulars, but they dont know half of our past so they cant help.


Just know that, we always argued when we were friends, and it was unhealthy and I cant take the drama from her.


But I'm going into my sophmore year,
and she has been obsessing over me it seems. Like reading my comments on xanga ( i have a tracker, and shes not blocked so its not like she cant comment) so yeah. And its annoying, and she thinks we have some tie together since we're "both adopted" but therea re other pepole adopted at our school, from teh same place, but does she bug them? NO? so whats so special about me? She thinks of her adoption of being "abandonded" and thats why she acts eepressed and wants pity all the time.

But I mean she can get help, btu cant she leave me alone? I've even gone to see conuslars about her, but they all told me how i can treat her, and what to say so she will leave me alone. But my questions are:


WHY DOES SHE KEEP BUGGING ME?
WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?


And also she has a hard time letting go of things, like our past.

And I've had it, with her, I'm liable to i dont know what, But I've had it. please help.

I'm not quite clear on some things here.

have you ever TOLD her that you didn't want to be her friend? Like straight out saying "Go away I don't want to be your friend?"

Well, if that didn't work, then, she's one persistent little girl. I'm going to guess the reason she clings to you, though there are other people from the same place, is because she admires you I guess? I'm not saying you should feel bad cause she wants to be your friend and thinks you're cool, and you don't like her at all.

Believe me, I know that having someone "admire" you is troublesome and just plain annoying. There must be something about you that she wants to be like. I'm not sure what about you she likes, but perhaps you could try showing your...worse characteristics. Like a girl who liked me for my art and my race, I guess, I was extremely cold to her and acted incredibly sensitive whenever she mentioned my race. Also, since you know she likes you, act arrogant, like you're better than her.

I don't thinks my next idea's a very good idea, but if you're desperate. You could always be mean to her. She sounds like someone who could easily get on someone's nerves, and her "pity me, I'm adopted" routine is getting old. There are plenty of people adopted so, if not you, someone needs to tell her to belt up and move on with life, perferably to someone who's...not you.

and since you're in high school, you could always try to avoid her by joining clubs and teams that you know she can't join or doesn't want to join. which shouldn't be too hard considering you two are very different.

I'm not sure what else there is to do. I know the advice I've given you has basically been

1) be mean to her.
2) avoid her.

But I'm sure other people have given you plenty of advice on how to break it to her nicely. besides from the sound of the description, you've had it with her and just want to get rid of her, regardless of her "feelings"

I can't help but wonder though, how could she still cling on to you, even when you told her to back off. That must be incredibly annoying. So if you haven't already, just tell her straight out. "Go Away."

--therealist

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I've gone to a public school my whole life. Now 7th grade is ending and im going on to 8th grade. My brother goes to a private school and i want to go there. But I'm afraid of leaving behind my friends. I have a much better chance of getting accepted because my brother goes, but my brother doesn't talk to his old friends much. One of my friends who switches school a lot told me that I should do whats best for me, not for my friends. But I'm not sure whats best for me. I want to go to private school to help me with college, but I dont want to stop being able to see my other friends cause i love them so much.

I'll rate high if you try to help me with my decison

my god. you don't know how much the question of private high school plagued me before.

i was in 8th grade, and i got into the best private high school in the country (phillips andover) but i also didn't want to leave my friends, because when we went we asked how often the boarding students went home, and they said maybe at the most once a semester.

that completely shocked me. so i was telling myself, i can go, cause i'll just visit more than them, but then if you think about the stress and the work you probably won't have time.

also you'll definetely develop bonds with other kids in the school, and you'll be missing out on alot of your friends life.

if you want to go to a private school simply because you think it'll help with college, i can tell you that i doesn't. no matter how good it is, as long as you're ambitious, it won't matter what school you go to.

for example, when i was making my decision, my dad would constantly come home with stories about families he knew or met that had children who went to phillips, but didn't even get into a really good college like harvard or MIT. so it depends on what type of person you are.

and you also should think about college as another factor. you're going to spend 4 years away from your friends and family. after college, you'll basically lose (well not really LOSE but they won't be as deep) all your relationships with your old friends and family. you'll be on your own.

so if you think you're ready to give that up, by all means you should definetely go to the high school.

and if it counts for anything, i gave up phillips, because i'll get into harvard either way XP. anyways like i said it's your choice, and though you should think about "what's best for you" you need to think about the factors that affect it. don't forget the consequences.

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I think my two best friends are bullying me! They act like my best friend when its just one of them indivally. but when they're both together with me they call me names and then say its a joke and take the piss otta me.
plz help
Madi
xxxxxxxxxxx

have you told them that you don't like it?

my friend and i often tease our other friend, but we've asked about ten times, if she's ok with our jokes and that she knows we're just kidding. and whenever she seems upset, we tend to back off.

so perhaps they don't know that you don't think the jokes are funny. so the reason they act like your best friend individually, means they still think of you as a friend, not as someone to bully on. If you really feel like it's bullying, then simply say "couldja stop?" and that should do the trick. at least that would do the trick for me and my friend

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i met this girl on the first day of kindergarten and i'm in 8th grade right now and we have been best friends since then. over the summer, her dad died and since then she has been hanging out with all these other people but not me. it's not that i'm jealous but i still want to be good friends with her. i am not looking forward to an answer saying "move on cuz she's not a good friend" i'm just still upset about the fact that she just like stopped being my best friend overnight. is there any way to get her to like me more so she'll want to hang out with me more other than talking to her? because she's not the type to sit and listen to what i wanna hear. i'll rate high.

there was this boy i met in fourth grade, we would always trade insults. sure i would always denied i liked him. but he had his nice aspects and i somewhat considered him a friend.

but then his father died. and then he grew distant, he dropped out of school. and now i haven't seen him since 5th grade.

your friend most likely is suffering. when someone loses a family member, they have many ways of reacting. my friend reacted by dropping out and never having to face any of his old friends. perhaps, the death of her father could have triggered some sort of reaction that caused her to want to hang out with a whole new crowd. perhaps she wants to start over new, and try to forget about her father's death?

but i don't know the whole situation so i can only tell you to try to reach out to her. invite her over to do something you guys used to do before her father died.

or you could try to hang out with the other people too. that may sound conformist, but if it gets her to notice you and realize the effort you're spending on her, maybe that'll shock her into realizing she still has you.

the way to get her to become good friends with you will probably have to be to make her realize how much you want to be good friends with her. of course many would recommend talking to her, but i suggest something else.

perhaps get her a gift, maybe an inside joke or something that'll show her you still care. think about some of your favorite memories and try to incorporate that into getting her attention too.

once she realizes that she still has you, she should come around.

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I have been best friends with these two people for years now. Us three have always been good friends. But recently they have met someone else who they have been hanging out with a lot. She is a really nice girl, but it seems like my two best friends are trying to replace me with her because whenever she will do something that I do, like tell a funny story or wear my hair a certain way, they will always laugh more with her, or notice that she wore her hair differently. Every single day I make a huge effort to include myself, but it seems like they always end up with the other girl. Since us four have PE together, they always go to the other girl to be partners with. I have talked to both of my friends numerous times about this problem, but they both don't seem to make an effort to include me. I really wish things could go back to old times because we had so much fun together last year, and I don't feel ready to give up on this because us three have so much fun together.
Please help me!!

"talk to them about including you!"

that is the exact advice i would NOT give. you've obviously given you best try.

so your having a difficult time feeling included, there are several things you could do. take your pick.

1. Try to get to know the other girl. perhaps when you and her become closer friends, you'll feel included because you won't be "competing" with her. You know what they say " if you can't beat them, join them."

But that won't solve your problem of going back to old times.

2. Organize a little get-together for just the three of you. with the other girl not there, you three will be able to hang out like you used to, from my experience my friends act alot like their old selves when around me without their new friends around. They would pay more attention to you and it'll bring you closer and closer together. If this works, try organzing several, so that the relationship between the three of you becomes stronger.

Life goes on and you'll have to go on with it. It's still nice to hold on to what's dear to you, but remember you have a whole life ahead of you.

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Well me and my two best friends just to let you know how close we are: we are like crazy and we are always together, i mean i love hanging out with them and everything. Out of our class we are definately the prettiest and most fun to be around. People throughout our school know us as the BIG not cause we are big but because of our initials. I mean we agree on the same guys and everything i swear we are related but we arent. So here is the problem: We went to an FFA conventionand we were all totally looking for guys i mean what else would we be doing. But see Lindsey is the only one that has a cell phone so we always use her number and well of course they all like Lindsey right away because they got HER phone number but then if they are hott we like all fall in love with them but like i am usually the one who doesnt really care. And well this time the guy is calling me all the time and i think i am starting to like him but i dont want to tell my best friends about it because who knows what would happen. i mean i want to tell them but they are always saying no he likes me and they are fighting over who they likes between them and they act like just because i never argue i dont like him but secretly i do and i think he likes me too. but what i want to know is should i tell them that i like them and hope that they support me or should i let them find out on their own. but i would feel really bad about not telling them everything because we always say everything that happens and i dont want it to seem like i am lying to them! help? and if it matters i really really like this guy

whew.

the obviously "right" thing to do would be to tell them.

But then why would you be on this site? So i'm going to give you some advice from a realist. Advice that may not be the "right" thing.

You know you'll have to eventrually tell them. But wait for when they're currently obsessed with another guy.

Or tell them about the guy's relationship with you. not about the guy. don't say how gorgeous or sweet or wonderful he is. don't make him seem appealing. make him seem taken.

and if they truly are your friends, they should easily see how much you like him. if that doesn't work, they should at least see that he already likes you.

personally i think the second choice i gave you is better. coming clean will relieve you of much guilt, but talking about relationship first makes sure they don't fall in love with the guy before they find out you like him too.

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i have this friend named sarah. except i dont think shes my friend anymore and heres why: me and sarah have been friends for quite a few years. but this year theres a problem. all of a sudden sarah becomes literally OBSESSED with this girl named marie. now dont get me wrong, im not one of those girls that gets jelous when my friends have new friendds but... sarah like gives me and my other friend alyssa the details on every moment of marie's life. this is the typical coversation sarah has with us at the lunch table: "OMG, marie is going out with nick! omg i am soo happy! she always liked him! marie is so good at getting boys!" or "MArie calls me up all the time and tells me about nick. oh yeah and we watched a video together yesterday it was so fun" Im sorry but I DONT CARE. and neither does alyssa. sarah never aks me about ME or never has real conversations. its usually just about marie or something else about HER. how can me and alyssa tell sarah in a nice way that we DONT CARE ABOUT FRICKIN MARIE.

it depends mostly on your personality.

Show you true feelings. I usually advise AGAINST being all "tell her about you feelings" cause that's pointless advice, we both know we won't do that. otherwise we would've have any relationship trouble.

whenever she talks about marie. You can ignore her, mutter "that's nice." or "whatever." show how you really feel about these conversations about marie. or even better, change the subject whenever she tries to turn it towards Marie. especially talk about something you did. something that involves you and not marie.

make her understand that your her friend too. and that you have a life too.

if that doesn't work, you can always risk it a bit and try to "give her a taste of her own medicine" for example when she talks about marie. you and alyssa talk about something you two did. it's not meant to be spiteful. it's meant for her to understand that you don't care.

but i don't really recommend the second one. i might do it with my friends if that happens. but i don't know what kind of friends you have, so i don't know whether it would be effective or not.

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