Let experience be your guide.....my experience! If you want serious advice from an adult go ahead....ASK away! With extraordinary interpersonal skills, I will respond to your questions respectfully, and give practical solutions and reasonable answers.
Gender: Female
Location: Texas
Occupation: teacher
Member Since: June 9, 2004
Answers: 86
Last Update: May 20, 2006
Visitors: 6861
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I have a problem with this woman that I used to be good friends with. I ended the friendship two years ago. I had to because she started to try to control me. She also ordered me around like her personal slave, took my kind nature for granted, spread mean gossip about me, broke into my email acount, and threatened to blackmail me if I ever got on her bad side. She was 46 and I was 25. She also acted really wierd and was telling people that she was my mother. She's never had children. I don't think she's mentally all there. Things got so bad that I quit the volunteer job we both worked at and put a block on my phone. She still to this day after 2 years bad mouths me at the center. I have a new paying job and it got back to me that she was trying to get my work schedule from my friend. I just want this psycho to leave me alone. How can I handle this? Someone even told me that I should bury the hatchet with her and contact her! I said no way. I also think that she wants to be my friend again. I would like to add that both my parents hate and and want me to have nothing to do with her. I'm tired of people feeling sorry for her and think I should give her a second chance. I really need someones advice! Thanks! (link)
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Stalker, control freak "friends", are not friends at all. She is obviously mentally unstable and is angry that you left the relationship, so she is trying to punish you by telling lies/spreading rumors about you. Under NO circumstances are you to contact her. This is what SHE wants, so do not give her the satisfaction. The people that she talks to about you are bound to know what type of person she is and will not hold too much stock in her 'rantings' about you. Keep your mind on your new job and let go of her. If she is trying to get your new work schedule, let others know that you do not want to see her. If she shows up at your job or calls you on the phone...do NOT give in and be nice to her. Have someone with you if possible, look her directly in the eyes and say, "I am uncomfortable being around you and do not want any other contact with you. Do not come to/call my job again, or I will report you to the people in charge here." I know it sounds hard, but I have done it myself. I had a "stalker" ex-friend that would drop by my classroom, whenever she was at the school to visit her daughter. I told her, while standing by a fellow teacher of mine, that I wanted to be left alone and for her to go on with her life. She was nervy and persistant. I repeated 'NO' over 6 times and she finally left. There are still possibilities that she can show up again at my school and when she does I'll repeat what I have said to her before, "You just don't get it do you?! I want you to go away and leave me alone." It seems cruel, and I'm sure you are the type of person who does not want to hurt someone's feelings. This woman is not normal and you need to cut her off firmly. She is a bully and will keep pushing you until she sees that you mean business. BE strong. {Read the 14th question and answer, after yours, in my column to see a similar situation that someone else was experiencing, too.}
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I have a friend (24/f) that constantly asks me for advice. At first, I was flattered that she trusted my judgement. However, now it has got to the point that she calls me for every little thing going on in her life. She seems incapable of making any decision on her own, even if it's a small decision. One day, she actually called from the store to ask what toothpaste to buy. When she calls, she expects me to drop everything and help her figure out a solution for her problem.
She also seems to trust only my advice. At one point, she called me with a medical concern. While I have worked in health care, I am not a doctor. I told her I didn't feel like I was qualified to answer her question and that she should see her doctor. She refused to see the doctor and said that only I could figure it out.
I hate to be rude to her since she's always been there for me. She was one of the few people that stood beside me when I fled an abusive relationship. Almost everyone else in my life thought I was crazy for leaving what they saw as a great guy. She offered me money and a place to stay until I got on my feet and could make it on my own again.
I've tried telling her that I'm busy and not always able to take her calls, but it seems to have no effect. I'm also worried that her inability to make a decision on her own could have an effect on her life and health. As much as I want to be there for her when she needs me, I can't sit by the phone all day and I'm not always qualified to help her. Any suggestions? (link)
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I just left a "friendship" like this recently myself. I understand that you are grateful for her support through a difficult time in your life. However, that does not entitle her to constantly seek your attention/advice. People like your friend are draining and too needy. They are using the friendship to blackmail you into meeting their endless and selfish needs. If she pulls a guilt trip on you that she was "there for you" tell her, 'Yes, you were there for me and I will always be grateful to you. You have helped me to heal and grow. Now, I want you to heal and grow and I feel that you can't do this when you are sooooo dependent on me for every little thing." After stating this......DO NOT take her phone calls. Avoid her....cut her off. She is trying to manipulate you and worm her way into every moment of your life. It makes her happy, but makes you miserable and frustrated. I know how hard this can be, but recently, (on January 3rd), I had to tell someone, "You need more from this friendship than I can give to you and you make me feel uncomfortable when you keep calling and calling. Please respect MY feelings and stop calling so much." Do you know what happened? This other person had the nerve to tell me that if I were a Christian, as I professed, that I would give her a 2nd chance, because she needed the friendship. I replied, "I am a Christian, I forgive you for anything in the past, and I do not want to be a part of your future. I do not need this friendship. Please respect MY feelings." I found out that other people had the same problem with this person and she hounded them until THEY could not take it either. It was hard, but she went away and I DO NOT miss her. You need to take care of yourself and let this mental leech go.......you do not "owe" her anything. Manipulative people are self centered and there is no place for them in your life. It will be hard, but it will make you feel at ease and you won't dread answering the phone!
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What should I do if my best friend has a new best friend? She sometimes even ignores me because she's with her other friend. It's not like I just think she was my best friend, we declaired it together. What should I do? (link)
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You say she is ignoring you, but I'm not sure if it is when she is with the two of you at the same time or she is not having contact with you because she is with the other friend instead. Either way, it is still painful and hurts your feelings. She has a new buddy right now and she is taking it for granted that you will always be around. She probably has a lot to talk about with this other girl, because everything is new with the two of them (conversations, experiences, opinions, ideas, etc.). This doesn't make it any easier for you.
As you go through life, "best" friends can change. I had a best friend in middle school, that changed when I went to high school, that changed when I was dating (my husband), that changed when I began going to college, that changed when I began teaching. Actually, as I became an adult, I added several "best" friends. Two of them live in other cities and some of them have never met each other.
Since you are, I assume either in middle or high school, this is harder for you because you probably go to the same school and possibly even live near each other. Try calling her and setting aside some times to get together with just her (at your house, after class, etc.) to keep the friendship going. BUT....you'll need to start making some other friends that you can gradually become closer to as you get to know and like them. You'll be in different classes and have a different lunch time than your buddy and other interests & after school activities can develop for both of you. Since you can't always be together when school starts, keep in touch through calls, notes (we wrote a TON of these when I was in school!) and emails. In the meantime, if she is hurting your feelings, you can either tell her gently (don't argue) or start developing other friendships, in addition to this one. She may not realize that she is being insensitive to your feelings, because she is caught up in getting to know this other person. Good luck and take heart, because even when you grow apart from someone, the memories & good times are there forever to look back on.
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--i have a friend who i seriously think is in love with her best friend! hez really sweet and treats her like gold! the only reason nothing hasnt went down between them yet is the fact that he is *20* and she is *15* i know that is a big age difference! but i was just thinkin if maybe they should try something in the future of course!? (link)
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Does this guy value his freedom? If he does......he needs to remain friends ONLY with an underage girl. Anything else would be illegal and he could risk statutory rape charges, even if she consents to physical contact. The law is the deciding factor....... case closed. If she is serious about him, they'll both have to put it on hold until she is 17 or 18 (each state has specific laws about age limits for physical relationships).
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I have this one friend who is always flirting with my friends boyfriends, and even mine. We get mad at her all the time, and she tries to make us forgive her by giving us presents and stuff. We're sick of her! Whenever we get in fights with her she gets her mom involved too. It's starting to get on everyones nerves. Also, she always thinks we're talking about her behind her back, but we're not! HELP! ASAP!-Bethany (link)
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This friend is a flirt; She knows it, you know it and your friends know it. Do YOU still want to be friends with her? If yes, then tell her that you will no longer accept her apologies and gifts as a peace offering when she makes you mad by flirting with your boyfriend(s). If you want to be friends, but you know she won't listen to you, then do things with her that don't involve hanging around boys together. Stick to movies, shopping, or hanging out at each others' houses (without boys). This way, you can enjoy each others' company and there won't be any rivalry over males between the two of you. Now if you have simply had enough and want to end the friendship, then don't invite her to do things with you or over to your house anymore. Put some space between the two of you. After a while, she will know that you want the friendship to end.
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Has anyone here gotten there tonsils out? If so, what's the best food to eat other than ice cream? I just got mine out 2 days ago and nothing tastes good and I'm in pain -__-|| (link)
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When you are in pain, nothing will seem to taste good. Soft foods are going to be easiest on the throat, no doubt. Some foods, even though they are soft have small pieces that can be painful (like cottage cheese or mashed potatoes). Try to stay with the SMOOTHest textures. Here are a few suggestions: Jello, some blended yogurts (without fruit pieces), applesauce, warm (not hot) chicken or beef broth. Some baby foods like fruits or desserts are pretty tasty (bananas, peach cobbler, dutch apple treat, etc.) I do NOT recommend the baby foods that are vegetables nor meats...they can taste bland or gross! Avoid acidic drinks like orange juice, coffee, or carbonated drinks like Coke...ouch! Hope you are feeling better soon.
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My friend,say her name is Sally, has been talking about my other friend, say Suzie. Sally is really nice and all but when Suzie isn't around she talks about her. And when Suzie is around she is nice and everything to her. How can i get Sally to be nice about Suzie behind her back without making Sally mad at me? (link)
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"Sally" may feel insecure about herself and by talking about "Suzie" it makes her feel better. "Sally" might also be afraid that you are closer friends (or may become so) with Suzie and wants you to favor her more. One way to get her to back off of the gossiping and eventually stop, is to come back with, "I'm sorry you see it that way, because Suzie likes you (or thinks you're nice)". Avoid putting exact words into Suzie's mouth. Also, change the subject abruptly and start talking about something else the minute Sally begins "Suzie bashing". If she continues or goes back to gossiping after you've changed the subject, you could then leave the room to go to the bathroom, check the fridge, change the radio station, etc. Keep this up and she'll get the message that you aren't interested in joining in with her.
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hopefully i can make this as short as possible, so here we go (by the way i am a male and am 15 years old, going to be a sophmore next year); the person i like to portray myself to be is a really nice and caring guy who is what some people would call not as much a guy as guys are, but anyways, there is this girl who is really really nice, and really really fun and energetic, she is always "bouncing off the walls" and also has a great sense of humor and is really fun to be around, i really enjoy being around her. here is some more information: i didnt know how to let her know how i felt about her, because i look up to her as a rolemodel as the person i want to be like, funny, smart, and just plain fun and not perverted or anything, like she never curses or says sick jokes or anything like that, so anyways, one day after school i stopped her and told her that i thought she was really cool and she in turn said the same thing to me, and i told her that i never thought i would meet anyone else like her. to finish off the information- i am moving in about 3 weeks, leaving state going off to somewhere else because of parent complications and what not, and now i just want to get to know her better; she did give me her email, but knowing her she doesnt check it except every month or so, so that it does not get deleted, because it is a hotmail account, so if i am lucky she will see the email i sent to her asking her if she would want to go for a walk and talk sometime so we can get to know each other better, but i dont think that will work. so anyways, here is my question- i want to find a way to ask her to do something with me (and by the way she doesn't want to date anyone or get into a relationship, that is why i want to ask her on a walk), but i dont know what to ask her to do, i thought of asking her for i walk, so we can talk more, because i want to get to know her better, so i dont know what to ask her, and second of all i dont know how to contact her, so far i have just been waiting to see if she will reply to my email, but i dont think she will, so i want another way to ask her, and i am not so sure about calling her house or knocking on her door and asking her that way, i only have 3 weeks left before i am gone and will not be able to see her again, so i just want some advice (and by the way she doesnt use chats either), so i would really appreciate it if someone could send me some advice, thanks a whole bunch if you do! (link)
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How about a short answer for your detailed situation? Tell her, "I am moving in just 3 weeks and would like to hang out/go to the park/walk around the mall (whatever) and just talk. This will be my only chance to share some time with you before I go. You are so much fun to hang out with and I'd love to have a few laughs before I leave." No strings are attached at this point. You could end up having a great time with her and making an impression that would tempt her to check her email more often! You are leaving anyway, so if it doesn't work out, then you'll never see her again. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
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hi guys, this is a question to all the people who have lost a BFF. well this girl in my class is my bff. and she is going to a hole neew school and i really am going to miss her. WHAT SHOULD I DO.
singed POORSADTHANG:-..( (link)
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Many times in life, we have close friends that move away and we feel a sadness and a loss. However, the best way to keep a friendship is with contact. I have friends spread out all over the US and at one time, my dear friend moved to another COUNTRY! Email and talk on the phone and don't forget a personal touch like a fun card or written letter with a photo or two. I plan trips to get together with my buddies and even travel together. One summer as a special birthday treat, we flew to the same city and met at the airport, then rented a convertible and drove to a small artists' town to explore and sight see. We had a blast! There isn't any reason that you can't get together for a day or two and spend time together over weekends, holidays, or summer break. It is the quality time that you spend together, not how often or how much that keeps a friendship going. Remember to share important events and keep up with what is happening in your life. You and your friend will make new ones, so don't become jealous if they mention new buddies. You will always have a place in their life if you include them in your own.
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ok well i have this friend and shes awesome i love her soooooooo much and like one day i was gonna IM this guy that screwed her over and mess with him and i ended up calling him and i bitched him out for a while then like somehow i started to really like talking to him and i knew if she knew she would be soooo pissed and well i told her that i had talked to him and that i wanted to keep talking to him and she got really mad and said she hated me and wouldnt talk to me for a few days then i told her id never talk to him again but i have, i talk to him on the phone every once in a while and he wants me to meet him in person but i no i shouldnt but i still like to talk to him on the phone, only if she knew i still talk to him shed prolly never talk to me again and i dunno what to do, I REALLY LIKE HIM, i know its sick, and i know i shouldnt like him cuz he really hurt my best friend but i still do and i cant help it :( what should i do????? (link)
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It comes down to a decision of what is more important to you: the friendship or the new guy. Remember, if the guy turns out to be a jerk to you, your friend will probably not have any sympathy for you and you will have lost a friend that you love soooooooo much for a quick romance. How would you feel if SHE started seeing someone who treated you badly and had watched you suffer through the relationship? Make a decision you are willing to live with in the end.
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My best guy friend of 3 years asked me something really weird last week and I just can't stop forgetting it. We were hanging out w/ his friend, and we somehow started talking about the fact that a guy in my math class was looking down my shirt. Then my guy friend told me to bend over, jokingly. I was like "only if you pay me" sarcastically. Then he was like "I'll give you $6 if you give me a lapdance!!!!" And then his friend offered to give me $10 for one. I refused, of course, cuz that's just gross. I still can't get over that, though. I feel really disrespected. What should I do about it? (link)
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Unfortunately, TV and movies reflect a certain way that cool guys should be. Especially, with sexist shows like "The Manshow". Young guys are constantly trying to prove themselves to their peers, especially in the area of sex. He may be a close male friend of 3 years, but when guys get together they feel like they have to band together and keep a cool front. Tell your friend, when you are alone, how much this insulted you and ask why he not only went along, but encouraged his friend by adding to the insult. Maybe you need to avoid his pal and only see him without the jerk of a buddy around. See what he has to say and if he ever does this again, he isn't really a friend.
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One of my guy friends is really starting to annoy me. He just won't leave me alone! I will just be walking in the hall to my next class and he will follow me, even if he's not in the class. He's always poking me and putting his arm around me, and I don't want people to think we're a couple, which we're not. What should I do? (link)
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For some reason he thinks he may have a chance with you to become that couple you don't want others to think that you are! Have you encouraged him before in a harmless flirty way when this first began? He could be confused about your feelings toward him. If it is awkward or hard to tell him how you feel directly (which is the BEST method), then start talking about other boys you are romantically interested in and he'll get the message.
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