In life, we choose to believe what we want to believe, and choose to see what we want to see.
In my life, I chose to see logic with the highest regard to the moral north of everything.
And I have seen the world deciding to be blind through conformity, armoured with excuses and apologies, pretending that the truth can be subjective.
I have seen and observed the decline of humanity and the devolution of ethics.
Member Since: January 14, 2015
Answers: 15
Last Update: February 8, 2015
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So this girl, lets just call her c. We've been friends for a long time, and she knows i really, really like her, but she's dating someone else. I feel like ever since she started dating another guy, I feel like my love for her is poison to our friendship, and we are drifting apart. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings either. I love her, but the more I love her, the harder it is for our relationship to work out. Then, there is another girl I'm good friends with, I recently just met her. lets call her k. K likes me, I can tell, and I think I like her too, but my feelings with c are holding me back from k. I don't ever want to hurt k's feelings, and i feel like i am making k like me more without meaning to. Even if kate and I worked out, it would be an online relationship, like instagram and skype you know, and C and I live next door from eachother :( I just need help, please, from a girl. someone who is good with this stuff... (link)
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First, I would like to apologise for taking too long to reply. I had to ask several colleagues about your dilemma in order to be a able to assess the situation properly. Two head are better than one so to speak.
Just so you know, accessibility always trumps convenience. K maybe a convenient match for you since she already likes you, but you have to ask yourself if you like her back the same way?
C may be accessible but liking her the way you want to may pose a threat to your friendship, which leads to an inconvenient ending.
I know it may sound like I'm just pointing out the obvious. I do this in order to be sure that I have a real grasp of your dilemma?
So if this is the case, you are on a lose-lose situation. The chances are against you, and it will surely not end well for any of the people involved.
First question: Does C like you back? Do you see any inclination for her to be with you? I mean, beyond friendship. I say this because you might be assuming how she would feel out of fear of rejection as well.
Second question: Do you like her so much that you're willing for C to go on with her life and just wait for your time if ever it would come? One of my colleagues did it and mind you, she is still waiting. She said that the trick is, "Contentment."
Last question: If K is accessible, do you think you'd be happier? Distance may pose several problems, but sometimes, we blow things out of proportion in order to lead ourselves to follow what we want to follow.
Assess your situation properly first. When you finally get a handle on your situation, you WILL be able to decide properly.
Never decide based on emotions, because if you do, you're just relying on your animalistic instinctive nature. And usually, it leads to catastrophe.
Rely on proper non-prejudicial and unbiased logic.
I am guessing that by the end of your logical assessment, you would actually ask yourself why it became a problem. Why do I know this? We usually look at the outside world and give too much importance to it that we forget about our own value.
Please consider this first.
I hope you make the right choice, or not make any choices at all.
Good luck.
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Hello,
My boyfriend and I are 17 and 18 years old. We started a long distance relationship a little over six months ago. Back then, I was still a virgin and he knew that. However, a few months ago I cheated on him and lost my virginity to a guy I honestly had no feelings for. I was completely aware of what I was doing and I did it because I really just wanted to get it over with. I made sure there were no feelings attached. Now, the guy still chases after me, but I want no business with him, or any other guy rather than my boyfriend. I love him to death and really have no trouble remaining faithful. I realized it wasn't worth it and he's truly the only guy I ever want to be with. However, I know that he'll want to break up with me and his heart will be completely shattered if he knows. He keeps talking about how magical he wants my first time to be once we finally see each other again. And I believe it will be magical because it'll be with him. I don't want to lose him, but I do think he needs to know. I also don't think it's any conversation to have via phone/text/video. A close friend told me not to say anything '"cause there's no point". I know if we were in the same time zone it'd be easier to confess and try to win his trust back, but I have a serious disadvantage by not being able to daily demonstrate my true feelings towards him. I've thought of telling him in the far future, once we're living together, but I don't know how he'll feel about it after such a long time...
Also, I'm actually kind of glad I did it only because it was extremely painful, and he wasn't the one who caused that terrible experience. The guy was gentle, so it would've been bad either way. Should I tell him when we finally meet again? If so, should I do it as soon as possible, or do I give it some time? If I do choose to tell him, I know I probably shouldn't have sex with him until he's known, but I'm terribly scared of ruining the possibility of a future with him.
I'd appreciate any thoughts and advice,
Thank you. (link)
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I'm really sorry for the late response.
I spoke to several people who had the same situation. I also spoke to the people who have been on the receiving end. As you may have read in my previous advice, solutions are always based on logical thinking. And, I am only here in order to guide people to assess situations properly. I will never tell people what to do.
Another thing that you should know is that, I am very straightforward. I am not here to make people feel better. I am here to guide people to get over problems. So if you're ready for the painful truth and want to move on from this situation, read on.
That being said, let's talk about your dilemma.
I want you to understand that the value of "virginity" would only depend on how people would see it. Some culture would give high importance to it like a gift, to some cultures, it is just something to hold them back from giving in to primal sexual urges. And from what you wrote, you are confused about its importance. You have given it to someone casually, but value so much that you think it should be a gift to your special guy. You have to really reflect on how you value it because from how it looks like, it is not about virginity. I would say that you are bothered because of the actions of infidelity.
Mind you, your reason of it hurting with the act and you not wanting your special guy to be the one to share your terrible experience with is just your rationalisation in order to feel better. Love, as I would want to point it out, entails sacrifice, and mutual acceptance. Do you actually feel better when you think about it that the reason why you did it is just because you wanted to get it over with and that you didn't want to share the terribly painful experience with your special guy? You have to ask yourself if you're just making this as your excuse in order to feel better. Most people would try to wash their hands over a matter than can bother them causing sleepless nights.
People would also say, "I just didn't tell you because it's not the right time." The truth of the matter is that, it is just a lie covered in a velvet glove. Regardless, prolonging to tell him the truth is just another way of lying. So please, be mindful of this.
When you did the act of infidelity, you were aware that you were making a mistake, and yet, you still went through with it. At that given time, you know too well about the consequences that would come after. Don't get me wrong, I am not bashing you. I want you to realise that you are just acting according to your normal human impulse. Morally though, if you believe in morality, the act was wrong. The whole idea is wrong. And, no matter how we try to hide it with words, the truth will still dictate that it is wrong.
On the plus side, your friend is right by saying that silence would be helpful in the situation because there is no point of telling your special guy. Let me just tweak that up a bit.
Silence will help the situation because as long as he doesn't know, I don't think he would have the reason to go against you.
Given the factoid that right off the bat, mathematically, 50% or successful relationships are based on lies. But, consider that there is a point to it. The point is simple. Can you handle a relationship based on a lie? not just any lie, it is you who would lie.
Of the several people i've talked to who had similar situations, the case of infidelity came down to the following conclusions:
1. The guy left because infidelity is a big thing.
2. The friends of the women who committed the act of infidelity called those guys who left cowards, and egotistic. (They also believed that there was nothing wrong with what their friends did because guys do it all the time.
3. The guy stayed saying "Love conquers all." (Number of that? 2 out of 97 respondents)
4. The guy needed some time, used the infidelity against the girl, which led to the increased number of domestic violence.
5. The guy stayed and was considered a martyr. (Most women who had this scenario left the guy because of a bothered conscience)
Those are the more significant outcomes of telling a guy about infidelity.
My take on it? Please accept the fact that what you did will change your life forever. You can't hide anymore. You may be able to hide it from everyone else, but not to yourself. And if you would let it eat you from within, it may lead to depression.
Again, you were aware of what happened and you gave consent to it. Therefore, you are aware of the consequences.
Hopefully, you'd be able to assess your situation more. And I do hope that with what I said, you would do the right thing.
Thank you. And, Good luck.
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This guy likes me and keeps talking to me and I want to make sure I'm not accidently flirting with him. Can you tell what not to do? Thanks (link)
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I am trying to understand what you're saying. You didn't leave me much to go on with so, allow me some... for lack of better words... levity.
I believe that flirtation is actually a two way process. Although some may note that "flirting" can be categorised as straightforward, others may do it subconsciously, and still some... subliminally.
You have to ask yourself some priority questions:
- Has anyone referred to you as flirtatious? (If you have been referred to as one, then I would recommend that you choose your words, both verbal or via body language, carefully.
- Has anyone gotten wrong signals from you? (If yes, then I would suggest that straightforward messages, untainted antics, and formal behaviour should be applied at all times, especially with this particular person.
- Do you find gratification when someone you like refers to you as flirtatious? (Subtle flirtation can actually drive people to get self-gratification. I mean no offence with this question, but you really have to ask yourself this.
- Do you consider yourself a "natural flirt?" (I always tell people to check themselves first being the better judge of themselves.
Although I strongly believe that in order for things to be factual, the truth should be unbiased, we as humans should always understand that "Right and Wrong" is subjected according to how a person sees them.
I would suggest for some time of self reflection first, and I am sure, the answer you're looking for would follow.
Back to what I was saying awhile ago, flirtation is a confusing and winding two way street. What you may consider as normal behaviour may be flirtatious to the person you're referring to, and vice versa. The only way you can be sure about this is to reflect on how you see first, and make adjustments accordingly.
The last question you should ask yourself is:
- Do I want to flirt with this person? (I added this because again, you didn't leave me much to work with, so I'm going to let you ask yourself that.)
Thank you so much for the question. And, I do hope this helps a bit.
Good luck.
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So i tried doing no contact with him for six days. On monday i saw him on my way home. I pretended as if i didnt even see him but as soon as he walked past me i stared at him from my front view mirrow For like a minute or two then i turned away. The next thing i noticed was that he turned around as stared at me as i was driving away. I finally spoke to him yesterday by text just to say hi. He told me how he was doing great without me even asking and then he ask how come he barely sees me to say hi. He then said one of these day he'll love to see me. I told him im very busy but i'll let him know when i'll be able to see him. He said ok. i just hope when i meet him he'll talk about us getting back together. Since this morning today we didnt talk and i wont text him either. I'm avoiding him again for some couple of days. (link)
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How are you doing? Honestly? I can't even start imagining it. I do hope you've manage squeeze in the realization of your worth while doing whatever it is you're doing. I can't stress this enough. You have to see that first. Everything else will follow.
I have to tell you something about what you wrote. And take it from someone who has been given the cold shoulders a lot.
It works at first. And probably after. It can go on for several times. If man's enemy is a woman's complaint, man's ultimate weakness is a woman's silence. It gives us guys somethig to think about.
I have to be upfront though with matters that you have to consider.
- If you love him and can wait for him to come back? That is your decision.
- If he doesn't, that is his decision.
- I would like you to see it positively. Listen to Rascal Flatt's "God bless the broken road." It might enlighten you a bit.
I want to remind you that you need to see your self worth. You must make this your priority. And you will find peace.
Good luck. Thank you so much again for your questions.
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Oh and we actually go to the same college also. I mean no matter what I know he's going to talk to me eventually because he told me to hold on to items Until he needs them. I really hope when he finally decides to talk to me its to talk about the relationship. Oh and by the way he's holding on to my items also until i need them. No lie i really miss him. Hope he misses me also. Sometimes i have this urge to just text or call him but i won't. It hard not talking to him but so far its been four days now and i'm actually getting use to not talking to him. I really love him and thats because he's my first and he's also my first serious relationship. Just hope he comes back to me That i'll keep praying for everyday. (link)
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I can understand the awkwardness of the situation. And I know that it won't be easy for you. Seeing the man you love everyday and trying to suppress whatever it is you feel for him in order for you to show that you respect his wishes.
But you must. You must do this not just because you respect his wish, but because you must understand that you need self-respect as well. He must see that. People take people they have for granted. It happens all the time. And the ironic part? People only see other people's worth when they're gone.
I really wish I could tell you that it's going to be easy, but that would be a lie. I really wish I could give you a metaphorical sedative of some sort.
And it's just too crappy when someone says "hope for the best, fear the worst." That doesn't make sense at all.
I will give you some sort of principle I have been practicing for the longest time. But before that, let me tell you about myself. That way, you would understand why I have embraced this principle.
I'm a single father. I have a sixteen year old son. His mom died giving birth to him. All of that happened in December, 1998. (Imagine my Holiday that year.)
Here's what I've been practicing:
Never sweat on things you can never control. Only give effort to those things that you can. Because no matter what happens, you can only be the master of what you can embrace. Everything that spills out? It isn't yours to handle.
I do hope you will find peace. Right now, you would need that more than anything else.
Thank you so much for listening.
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So basically i should just wait until he contacts me first? (link)
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Honestly? That's what I would do.
If you love him that much, I don't believe the time spent waiting for him can be considered a waste.
In the meantime, try to exhale. And if you're really feeling anxious - separation anxiety can be a big B - you can always message us here. And we'll do our best to respond.
Please value yourself more. If he loves you, your absence will show him what he is losing. And it would be a wake up call for him.
Hoping for the best.
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I just went through a breakup with my girlfriend, I am gay and I hope this doesn't throw anyone off helping me out.
The situation is she has low profile amnesia (she had an accident), and doesn't remember most of the time we dated. Just before we dated tho, she was with someone else, Let's call that person A. Now she used to tell me, how A was the love of her life, her soul mate. But a little she broke up with A, and a wait after that she asked me to be hers.
She made me fall in love with her, I really believe she's my soulmate, but now that she doesn't remember she's back to believing A is her soulmate and is really hurting me.
Should I wait it out and hope she loves me, or should I give up and try to move on, seeing how she went back to A? (link)
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I have a question for you:
She believed that you are her soulmate when you were dating correct?
After the accident, she believes that person A is her soulmate?
Accident, or no accident, amnesia or without, don't you think it's too much of a coincidence to say the same thing to two different people? (Not that I believe in coincidence.)
As I see it, she has fallen in love with the same intensity to two different people. Not that love can be quantifiable. But let's just pretend that love can be quantified. I find it sad that people can actually say they can love two different people with the same intensity.
I honestly don't want to imagine the pain that you're going through. I'm pretty sure you feel betrayed. What I admire about you is that you actually defend her by saying this was due to her amnesia.
I've always told people to move on with their lives whenever things like this happen. Why? I always tell them, "Why not?"
If we're going to equate everything, and use the probability rule? The math will tell us that no matter what we do, if it was meant to be, what's bound to happen will always hit us in the face... or the butt.
Move on - This would be healthy for you. Go out, talk to friends, and unwind. She won't remember a thing. (No pun intended)
Moving on isn't giving up. The accident did that for you.
And I believe that true love has an intensity without equal. Call it "soulmate?" You just can't say things like that to two people. If you get what I mean.
I hope this helps a bit. Good luck.
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If i'm trying to get him back. Whats do you think i should do? the reason we broke up was because he said right now he wants to live a single life but he sure hope that we'll get back together. I really love him anr I dont want to lose him. So far its been three days since we didnt talk But he has been looking at my snap stories on snapchat everyday? Will the no contact for some certain amount of days work? Help please (link)
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I'm sorry if this came a little late.
I want to understand and maybe it would help you as well to know the reason "why" you want to get him back.
I've spoken to a lot of people who have similar circumstance as you do. And they usually don't even know why they want their partners back. And, I always remind them of one particular thing:
Love is not a good enough reason. Love is actually an unknown entity and has been a sociologically accepted term as a summary of unexplained feelings towards one's partner. Not that I don't believe in it, I just believe that it often misleads people from thinking logically.
If your man's excuse for breaking up with you is "singledom," then how serious is he about this leap of faith?
Also, if he chooses this way of life, shouldn't you think about his priorities? And why you're not one of them? Shouldn't you be at the top of the list?
I admire the fact that you can see through this even if - and I'm saying this because I don't have the same patience as you do - you are technically on the losing end. It takes a lot from a person to be in your situation.
Counting the days will only make the hours, minutes, and seconds longer. I would keep myself busy if I was in your situation. And if he does come back, I'm sure you will be the one choosing if you want him still.
Please don't be blinded about what you may see. You must understand that you are your own master. And you will see things the way you want to see them. Him keeping tabs by looking at your snap stories everyday does not mean anything until he opens his mouth and say it. I know your dilemma. You are left to assume things because he isn't talking to you. It's a price you have to pay.
Regarding your last question if the no-contact for a period of time would work? It's a coin toss. It can really go either way. First, you have to understand that you can not and will never be able to control how he thinks no matter how hard you try. Unless you believe in voodoo.
I always tell people to try to see their worth. People always tend to lose it whenever they get hurt, or whenever they fall in love.
Lastly, ego is going to be your worst enemy. So don't let it control you. We are bound to get hurt, and learn from it. Not use it in the future for other people who might give us our second wind.
I hope this helps.
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