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February 19, 2008Answers:
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Welcome to REALIFEADVICE, thank you for visiting my column, pleas feel free to email or leave feed back....REALIFEADVICE@COLUMNIST.COM
Look forward to talking soon,
Chandler XX
advice
f/19.
i've been with him for 4 years, and counting.
my boyfriend went to get an x-ray at the hospital and ran into an old hight school friend, her name is marlo. she wasn't gorgeous, but also wasn't completely unfortunately looking. anyhow, he felt the need to text his friend saying, hey i saw marlo at the hospital, 'she was looking too fine' . i read his texts, which he doesn't mind, he reads mine all the time, but back to the point.. it really hurt me. it made me feel worthless, i honestly can say that i don't go checking out guys, i really don't. and this hurt my feelings. and made me feel so ugly on the outside. how do i get over this feeling, i feel so turned off now, i don't even want to have sex with him anymore. oh and this isn't the first time i found a text similar to this in his cell.
Hi,
Why do you routinely read each others text messages? This doesn't come across as a singe of a healthy or trusting relationship - and let's face it if you hadn't been reading his texts you wouldn't be in this situation now would you?
I'm not saying ignorance is bliss or anything like that but your boyfriend hasn't actually done anything wrong, he hasn't cheated and he clearly didn't have anything to hide as left that text on his phone knowing very well you may read it.
Do you stop finding attractive people attractive when your in a relationship, NO, well I don't and I know that's the norm for most people - but finding some one attractive and making a comment about it to a friend doesn't mean you want to jump into bed with them or think or feel any less for the person your with. And it is you he chooses to be with, that must mean something?
Honest opinion? = over reaction, paranoia and STOP reading each others texts!
Chandler
okayy well i am always texting.and of course i have a nosey mom. and she checks my texts.and i love talking dirty to boys thats just kinda what i do.and she confronted me about it.and i cant stop doing it so i just keep getting in trouble. so what do i do to...satisfy myself.?
Delete dirty texts after you send / receive them, that would be the practical solution. Chanxx
I've been with my bf for almost three years. He has been out of work for the past year and I can't take it anymore! I gave him 30 days to get a job or get out and that was up on the 5th. I extended it two more weeks, but I regret it b/c it seems like I'm wasting my time (and money) b/c I don't think he's trying. Wuts the nicest way to get rid of him?
Hi,
Stop trying to be nice! He brought this on himself, it sounds like you gave him every opportunity and he just couldn't be bothered and probably didn't even take your ultimatum serially! My honest opinion is that he sounds like a waste of space and oxygen - kick his ass out the door!!
Chandler XX
Ok so im a junior in highschool and like many other girls in high school i like a guy. well its more than just like. anyway it gets just a little more complicated than that. a good friend of mine is in love with him...but he turned her down. i know he feels the same about me. but i dont know what to do. what should i do?
Hi,
Well the risk is you louse a friend - but if you do louse her over this is she a true friend? It will no doubt be difficult for her if she really likes him too, but he's not interested and that's not your fault. I would say go for it! but keep your friend in mind and try to do it sensitively.
Chan XX
I got drunk one night over spring break and spent the night with a guy other than my boyfriend(we did NOT have sex, just messed around a little). Well, now my boyfriend doesn't want me seeing ANY of my friends that were at that party. I could understand not seeing the guy I spent the night with, but not all my friends... What should I do?
Honestly? To be blunt? - its dead simple get rid of the boyfriend!!!!
16/f
This is kinda long.. I'm 16 and i'm dating a 19 yr old. He has a baby thats 3 and his babys mom pregnant again... Now they live together but he says nothing is going on. And she got pregnant while me and him were broken up. We have been together a year on and off.. And I completely love this boy and i've tried to let him go but its so hard. Within the first month i found out he was dating another girl but they never saw each other so i didnt care and then the first time we broke up he started messing with this girl and hes cheated on me a hundred times with her but now he says they're done for good. but i'm not too sure if i believe him.. this is a mess what do i do.. and if you think i should break up with him please tell me how to get over him and just know that i see him a lot its my brothers best friend
THANKs
Lynzi
Hi,
Right - get him out your life now. He clearly cannot be trusted as far as you could throw him and serial cheaters don't normally change! Based on all the other cheating I think there is no chance he is telling the truth regarding the woman he is living with. There are two children involved in this and it's going to turn into a horrible mess very soon. You have no real ties to this man or this situation so get your self out of it. Sticking around would be like pushing the self destruct button.
As for how to get over it, there is no easy way unfortunately and its something we all have to go through but in two words TIME and FRIENDS.
Good luck... Take care
Chandler
XXX
I love this guy who broke up with me last year. i think he has moved on but i havent at all. we are still friends and i sometimes go to hhis house to hang and stuff but i...love him and i dont think he understands. all my friends are getting their "true love" but i am to scared to tell him how i feel because im scared he doesnt even like me..:( please help
Hi,
Situations like this are always difficult to deal with and it's never easy even to decide what you should do. What I would say is this... you say all your friends are finding their "true love" - well the reality is most of these relationships will run their course and end - that's life.
You still have feelings for this guy and their isn't an awful lot to do about that. I don't think I can advise you as to whether or not you should tell him how you feel as it's got to be a personal choice but I take it you value this guy as a friend so be very careful not to sacrifice your friendship in pursuit of something more. Also take into account that you may well not have these feelings forever, they may pass and you also may move on - so think very carefully about it before you do anything.
Chandler
XX
okay im 14/f and my bf spent the night at my house, we made out big time. i sat on his lap facing him, and he went hard, i think he might have spermed but he doesn't know, i was wearing sweat pants and so was he so is their a posibility that im pregnat?
Don't panic... there is no chance of you becoming pregnant from this at all!!
Chan
when I give my boyfrind a handjob and he cums and then fingers me with some possible sperm on his hands, could I get pregnant by that?
Yes! This could defiantly get you pregnant, although it is less likely than if you actually had unprotected sex
okay so one day this guy txted me out of the blue and weve been txting each other everyday ever since and he says hes 13 likes soccer like me and it seems like we have alot in common but weve never actually met in person or even talked on the phone just txting but dont know how to tell if hes telling the truth or not and i really want to meet him in person but what if hes not who he says he is thanx ahead of time 13/f
Hi,
It is difficult when you've formed a relationship with a person by text message or over the internet and your bound to have some doubts and concerns.
We all hear a lot off horror stories but that's because its only the horror stories that get told - most people have good experiences.
The most important advice I can give you is if you do decide to meet up don’t go alone!
Chandler XX
ok well im 16 not getting engaged or atleast not this year im hoping but i just realized my 16 year old friend is engaged and i was wondering is it possible to get engaged under 18 with parents against it??
Hi,
In the UK they could get married at that age with their parents against it - I take it that's not the case in the states?
But as for engagement, you could get engaged at any age, it's not a legal or official declaration as marriage is its just two people saying "we plan to get married".
Chandler x
14/f I like my best friend, but he has a girlfriend. How do I stop liking him?
Hi,
Well unfortunately you can't just stop liking him - it's not that simple. But you can make the decision to not act upon it while he has a girl friend. The likelihood is they won't be together for ever so if your feelings don't pass you will get your chance.
Chan xx
Is it weird for girls to ask guys out?
Which do guys prefer?
Any opinion is appreciated.
Nooo its not wired - go for it!!
my boyfriend and i have been together for eight months now. its really nice but i think hes getting tired of me. everytime i mention taking a break he goes crazy though. i dont want him to stay just because he thinks i wont be here later. what can i dooo.
Hi,
You don't say why it is that you think your boyfriend is getting tired of you but my advice would be to discuss your feelings with him. If he 'goes crazy' to the possibility of taking a break from the relationship I don't think it's likely he is tired of you. I feel it's more than likely a case of worrying about nothing - but talk to him!!
Chan XX
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and lately we've been going through a hard time. I thought I could trust him, but like I have issues with sites like myspace and facebook and stuff like that because of things that have happened in the past. But like he was having a hard time of having his friends know about me so I asked him if he would change his status on facebook to in a relationship. After a while of trying to convince him, he finally did. That was a few months ago though and the other day I looked on his facebook and it said single... I feel like he's maybe trying to tell other girls that he's free and stuff but I don't know. And like I also asked him if he wouldn't use it that much anymore and the last week I had a feeling he was using it still, and I asked him if he was using it and he lied straight to my face and said no. But then tonight I wanted to see if it was true and it wasn't... he was on it..and like I don't know. I'm in love with him, but like... I can't trust him online..
Hi,
While it is wrong that he would lie to you and maybe slightly strange he insists on setting his status as 'single' - you don't have the right to tell him what he is and is not allowed to do! If you bring issues from the past into a new relationship it's a recipe for disaster.
I don't really think it matters what your boyfriends up to - guilty or innocent you don't feel able to trust him (and maybe your not ready to trust anyone just yet) and so you really need to consider if you should be in this relationship at all.