Hi, my name's Rae. I'm 18 years old, female, and I'm of 100% Korean decent. I have the most amazing fiance, Christian. He's 19, male, and super Irish (He even has red hair!). Anyways, the point that I'm trying to get at is that we're obviously different nationality wise. We're in an interracial relationship and a lot of people seem to be bothered by it! I honestly don't understand what's so wrong with us. We love eachother and I don't think your ethnicity or skin color have anything to do with it. So, I was wondering what kind of opinions any of you have about this subject matter. All advice is welcome, but please be serious and honest. Thank you!
With all the social commentaries and political correctness going on in today's society, most of these advicenators have got it right: Love is what counts. I would say 18/19 is a little young for marriage, but it does happen.
Skin color is social, love is emotional. In this respect, it's okay for interracial relationships. As for me personally, I despise the word. Race? WTF does that matter? The heart has no color. We are all people and we all have the same emotions. We all create and develop relationships.
And even though interracial couples are given the most attention (and difficulty), the same could be said of good friends. It's not about what they look like, it's about who they are. Some people are more comfortable with people who do the same activities, listen to the same music, wear the same cloths or look the same as they do. I don't admire those who say "I have this friend who's black..." or "I have this friend who's white..." But I admire those who see their friends for who they are, and say "I have this friend..." And then you meet them, and they are just as great as what was said.
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15/f
Okay so there is this boy lets call him S. Well last year i kinda feel hard for him. And not just infatuation, but love. I had told him once how i felt. We always hung out. And he came to my house once or twice. One night last year i asked S to come to the movies with me, he said "Ill see what I could do" so i was like hes prolly not gonna come but Ill go with my friends anyways. But on my way out of the movie theather I saw him walking in with some other girl lets call her A. Well he looked surprised to see me, but i just walked away and never talked to him until this year. But that night and the next day he called me about five times, although now he tells me that he wasnt guily about nothing, but why would he call me like that? But tonight we were talking and the subject of sex came up, and now he is with A. he was talking about there sex life, and i jut cut him off like i really dont wanna hear about yall. He was like why? its not like anything went on between us. I said Yeah that sucks. Then he focussed on what I had said. He was like what did you mean by that. I said nothing. He was like oh you wanted to do shit like that. I was like naw but I wanted to be more than just friends you know. And he was like I didnt know you liked me like that when i had told him before. I was like yeah, I wouldve done anything for or with you back then I was in love with you, and I hated you for wat you did to me. He was like oh well I think we should have sex. I was like no thats alright, you get it from your girl everynight. He said but its not you. I didnt understand what he meant by that. I mean I still love him, even though I wouldnt let anyone know it. But i wanna know if he likes me or ever did. Like I would have sex with him but like not just come out and say it. Like i wanna tell him to come pick me up by his self cause I got a surprise for him. Do you think Im setting my self up for trouble or what?
Sorry so long, its just Ive been through so much with him lol, theres way more butt this is the important things :] thank you
I agree with junebug. Yeah, some guys can actually fall in love at a young age, (I did) but the sad truth is most of them are sex-driven horn dogs. If on the off chance there might be some small probability that he actually does like you (guys are thick headed "I never knew that" even though you you told him once, was probably the truth. Sometimes they don't get the hint, you gotta be blunt) Make him prove it: 1.) Break up with girl A, and 2.) Make him wait. No sex. Words, actions, even an engagement ring shouldn't be able to buy sex. I would say if he loves you he can wait at least a year and a half for sex, despite being a horn dog.
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okay well this is what always seems to happen we start to like each other and then last minute when he seems to know hes got me falling for him fast again. he just leaves it at that. and it just seems to end just like that. and i really like him. and i want to go out with him again. and his best friend told me he likes me again. but today he seemed to not show it like he normally does. and i didnt want him to see that it bothered me. i wanted it to make it look like i was used to it. but i just need to know what to say to him or how to react to this situation. but it always seems to get to me. and im not sure what to do at this point.
thanks in advance ! (=
I don't see your age in there so I'm going to guess mid teens. The problem with dating at that age is most guys are immature. Not to diss them, that's just how they are. You said "when he seems to know..." which to me sounds like an assumption. Does he know? Is he being insensitive and cruel or is he just oblivious? Another thing about guys: some aren't very good at picking up on others emotions, some aren't good at showing emotions, and most aren't good at (or just won't) talk about there emotions.
So you say you're not sure what to do at this point. I wouldn't be either. Find out how he feels first, then go from there. Maybe he loves you but is afraid of commitment, maybe he's afraid he won't measure up, maybe he's just thick headed. Maybe (but hopefully not) he's a jerk. You won't know until he tells you. So how to get that information?
Ask him in private. Guys (myself included) don't like emotional turmoil, especially when others are around. Asking him in the school hallway or cafeteria or wherever his friends or your girlfriends could hear is not a good idea.
Put yourself out there. Something in the nature of a man makes it unable for him to bear the suffering of a loved one. Even if he HATES talking about his feelings, if he sees it's really bothering you, and he's a man, he will suck it up and talk to you about it. If he doesn't, either a.) he doesn't care about you, or b.) he cares but he is too afraid/young/immature and you will either have to wait until he grows up or deal with this kind of behavior for a while until he does.
NEVER sweep your feelings under the rug. That's the surest way to wreck a relationship. Making it seem like it doesn't bother you may make him "comfortable" but it doesn't help either of you in the long run.
Hope that helps, and good luck
-Evan
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My wife and I had been married for over four years.
I have ADD and high anxiety which I'm not taking medication for.
I had a pretty good paying job but was laid off early 1n 2007.
My eyes started giving me problems before the lay off but I did get them checked out while I still had insurance.
Found out this year that both of my eyes have cataracts. I've attempted working at three jobs but my eye sight prevented me from passing the probationary period.
Here's my issue. I had a step daughter that had always found a ways into getting into trouble. Everything you asked her not to do, she went ahead and done. The computer she would stay on Instant messaging, My spacing all her friends till early morning.
I gave her so many chances but she proved to me she didn't care.
Her mother and I constantly fought about her because every time I tried to lay the Law down, the discipline was always to severe.
Even if it was just a few weeks without the computer.
Then she started on the phone..the same thing.
My wifes daughter wouldn't barely do any thing in the house.
And after her mother and I told her we expected more from her since she was 16, like washing clothes, doing the dishes...she made sure she washed only her stuff when begged, ( and if she washed three loads of clothes, it would take over three days and then you'd never find them put away) until I got so tired and fed up with her and the way me and her mother fought all of the time because how she ran the house, I made her move out when she turned 18 and graduated.
My step daughters every other word was profanity, and I don't think that she once told her mother or me the truth.
And Lord if you found her in a lie ( which was always ) she would cover it up with another one. She never admitted to anything she done. From bringing guys over when her mother and I were gone, to finding a ways to explain why she messed around with her best friends boyfriend.
Well, My father and mother passed away with cancer. And I made sure that no body smoked in the house. My wife and I don't smoke.
My wife invited her brother over ( or he invited his self ) and in both houses we used to live in, he smoked in each one, not caring.
And my wife let him and to this day, if he wanted to visit...I'm sure the same thing would have happened.
Well again, on Christmas eve of 2007, her daughter wanted to spend the night with us, to be there on Christmas. She smoked.
When I went down to visit my family in Alabama, mysteriously as it sounds, my wife let her daughter move back in knowing full well we never got along. Knowing full well her daughter never listened to one rule of the house, never helped out.
Then one day out of the many fights that broke out in the few months her daughter stayed there, my wife asked me to leave. And I did.
Amy, was I asking to much? Showing respect seems to be a thing of the past in today's society, but the way my wife handled each situation, and the way her daughter and her whispered and told there secrets, was it fair or justified at the way things were handled?
It seems as though the many things I accused her daughter of doing, my wife finally told me that yes, she did smoke pot, yes she was smoking in every room in the house when she ( her mother ) was in the hospital, yes, she fooled around with boys when we weren't there.
But instead of digging in deep and finally sticking up to her guns
and giving discipline to her daughter, it was easier to let me go.
What are the parameters of a marriage? Just because a person has children, does that erase the morality or any since of any opinion I may have had? I love her mother very much, but would I be asking for more heart ache if I tried pursuing this marriage. I don't want to walk away from this marriage. To me I think the Lord gave her to me, I'll get counseling and change anything I can.
But if I'm going to be the only one who'll attempt to change, will
this be visible?
Thank you
First off, thank you for putting yourself out there and asking for help, not many guys do these days; they just cut and run. Secondly, While I'm a mature man in a serious relationship, I have no kids so the only angle I can pull from (and probably the better choice in this case) is that of a son.
There's the growing-up issue. My dad COMMANDED respect when I was little and I agreed with it(now AND back then). But as I grew up I began to see my dad's faults. And I reasoned to myself; "If he doesn't do this, why should I?" Or; "I should do this cuz he SAYS, but other than that, there's no substantial reason so I wont." etc. As much as my dad pissed me off when I was a teen I still loved him. And I still do.
And then there's the step-daughter issue. That shouldn't matter but it probably does. Mom's opinion (and correct me if I'm wrong) probably matters more than yours. Therefore, if MOM doesn't listen to you, why should she?
Which brings us to the marital issue. The bible says "A house divided unto itself cannot stand" I wish I could take credit for that line, but I can't. But it's still true. If mom and dad fight, kids fight. Kids (even teenagers who "make their own decisions") take their cues from mom and dad.
Being a rebellious teen aside, coming from a broken home is rough. Growing up, learning, being responsible, social issues, those all come with age and practice. Learning how to love comes from the family, and if its a broken home she has as an example, she'll have a tough time at it.
Our job (as adults) is to teach and have patience with those that are younger than us. Teens (and young adults) have a tough time being open with their elders, that's just the way it is. Maybe she can't forgive you yet, maybe she can't forgive mom yet, and you're just collateral damage. Maybe she can't forgive her biological father and she's taking it out on you, I don't know. What I do know is if you forgive her for being less than perfect, and love her for who she is, and love her long enough, she'll see it, and come around. As far as the cigarettes go, whats more important in life, a house or the people that are in it? I hate it when people wreck my stuff too; I paid for it, but hey, it's just stuff.
It's not the house you care about though is it? It's the lack of respect. On that note, I have a recommendation for you: A book called
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs. and it's by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Good luck, I'm praying for you
-Evan
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I like this guy and a few of my friends and I go to his house alot. We've been going for almost a month now. But everytime a certain person calls his phone(I think it's his ex) he won't tell her that I'm there. He'll say the others that are there, but not me. And when I ask him about it he just says that the person would get mad if I was there. Anyways to figure out a way to talk to him about it without like complaining?
To answer the last question first: Tone of voice.
Tone of voice is one of the most difficult things to control and also a different thing to interpret. Make sure to let him know how you feel first and then what you want to know and why. I would tell him how I feel and then ask him who it was. It doesn't really matter who it is though, if you like him and he likes you.
To tackle the "unspeakable" problem you have to understand about lies. Lies have motivation; guilt, fear, greed, etc. and as far as I'm concerned, deliberately leaving out information is the same as lying. (to tell the truth, the WHOLE truth and nothing but...)
If you aren't doing anything wrong, you shouldn't have to lie. So either he feels guilty for hanging out with you or he's afraid of the trouble that that person will cause if they knew.
If it was me, and I cared about you, I would tell that person on the other line how it is.
Good luck,
-Evan
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I posted this yesterday as well, but I was looking around this morning and saw your response to someone's question. You seem like an honest helpful guy, and I could really use a guys persepective. My bf and I dated for 2 years. We always said we'd be together forever. This was a very mature relationship and I loved him. We broke up last summer because he said he wasnt sure about how he felt anymore. Right after we broke up, he said he knew he still loved me, I told him it was too late. Today we've been broken up for about 4 months and I know I'll always still love him. When I ask his is he has any feeling left for me he always says idk. We talk just as much as we did when we were dating and he hasnt liked anone since.. apparently. What does all this mean? Should I just forget about having hope? Might there be a chance that everything we had isnt gone forever? I always think about him and can't move on to anyone else. Any answers would be greatly appreciated, and you don't need to try to make me feel good by being gentle about it, if it sounds to you like he'll never like me and I should just give up, please feel free to be blunt about it, I just really love him and don't know what to do. Thanks a ton!
Wow. I haven't been on advicenators for like, a year. Now, if it's been a year, and you still care for him, drop me a line with any new info and I'll be happy to help you out.
-Evan
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How can you tell if your girlfriend will become a whore and cheat in the future?!?!? What are some signs to lookout for now?!?!?
Thanx!!!
Sorry dude. In love there are no guarantees. A known slutty cheating girl can turn over a new leaf (though it's rare it CAN happen.), and a perfectly sweet loyal innocent girl can make a mistake and cheat on you if you don't love her right. Unfortunately, no one can see into the future and there is no way to control someone else's actions.
If she's a heavy flirt and doesn't see any problems with hanging out with other guys just as much or more than she does with you, I'd say dump her. Not only is it cheaters' behavior, but it's really not appropriate or respectful of your feelings either is it?
Cheating can be for fun or it can be emotional, and it's only the latter that you can help prevent. Even still, the dicision to trust is up to you.
Good luck
-Evan
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I liked this guy, and he ended up liking me back. So we hung out a few times, and I got dared to kiss his friend and so I did. Then he was saying that he thinks I like him and we should go out. So told him I kinda of liked him though, and he said he did too,but he could never really see us as more then friends because whenever we hung out, it was really awkward. :(
I still really like him, and I want to know if theres anyway to get him to like me back again?
The thing is he doesn't really talk as much anymore now that he doesn't like me. What should I do? =\
Getting a guy to like you shouldn't be work. If it is, it's usually one of two things. Circumstantial: He's too focused on his friends or the game or grades or whatever to see you for who you truly are. Or something happened: Like the chick he was into kissed some other guy. "Oh wait a minute, I don't think I want to give her my heart after all." (My words, not his; don't think 100% that he thought that.)
Kissing his friend was a mistake though. A big one. I would say talk to him about it and see how he REALLY feels about you. The only problem with that is most guys don't like to talk, and like talking abou thier feelings even less. So my peice of advice is this: Tell him how YOU feel. Tell him how you really feel about him: Put it all on the table. Then a million things can happen. He can act the same, he can freak out, he can clam up, bottle up, blow up, he can say "okay, let's give it a shot", he can say "oh i never knew you felt that way", he can start bawling (tears of happiness or sadness), or he can do that one-millionth-thing: He can tell you how he feels back. At least at this point you put the ball in his court. If he's got the ball and doesn't do anything with it, he's not worth your time.
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theres this guy named ryan who goes to my high school and he's in the same grade as i am. he's a MAJOR flirt and is also incredibly sweet and not to mention extremely cute.. our lockers are like right next to each other and we talk all the time. it's easier to compliment him because he doesn't make you feel stupid if you say something silly. (its hard to explain). i complimented him on his cologne and we hugged twice. however, the thing is, is that he sometimes hugs other girls as well.. i don't get jealous when i see him with other girls because i know he's free to do whatever he wants & i'm cool with it.
- we talk a lot
- i've seen him check me out
- he hugged me, twice! :]
- he smiles a lot when i'm around
- he looks at me in the corner of his eye whenever i'm around and he like sits in front.
- he always says 'hi' to me and is the first to start a conversation
should i just keep flirting with him?
Sure. Keep flirting, but let him make the first move: if he likes you, he will. If he doesn't, you're letting him waste your time by asking him out. Some guys are kind of thick, or lack the gahones to ask a girl out so you might have to flirt a little heavier if he doesn't get the hint.
Also know what you're getting yourself into. Yeah he's sweet, yeah he's hot, but he's also a flirt. That can be dangerous for both of you. Don't get yourself in too deep too fast. Yeah: he's really sweet now, but "date" him long enough to find out who he is. You don't want to be boyfriend-girlfriend and find out after the fact that his flirting gets worse the longer he's with someone.
Love is dangerous. Its good to find a good one, but there are no guarantees.
Hope this helps
-Evan
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So my mom all of a sudden started freaking out about my boyfriend.It started from him not getting me a mum.Since he is a procrastinator && never gets things done, especially for school functions..anyways.I ordered a mum, thinking he would have paid for it, But if he didn't It wouldn't be a big deal since it wasn't his homecoming.. (he graduated last year) anyways.My mom just freaked out about it, But it wasn't like I could do anything.She ended up bringing everything about and yelled at me about it.That we don't go out on dates and stuff,But every once in awhile (when me & him AREN'T busy) we go to the movies, out to eat.. somewhere.We don't go to his house much because his dad pretty much lives in San An. and comes home every other Tuesday and every weekend.And his mom won't let him stay there unless he pays the bills and his mom doesn't even work, (she just graduated to be a nurse) but yeahh.So she tells me how bad of a person and boyfriend he is and that I should get a new boyfriend.I thought that was very rude and uncalled for when he hasn't been a bad boyfriend.Especially compared to me ex.It's just really hard when your mother just talks down on your boyfriend when he has no clue he's doing anything.I don't know what to do.Our 6 month is on the 9th and I love him so much. I don't want to lose him.. anyone have any input or advice for me?
Parents are protective, that's just the way it is. Pay attention to mom's complaints, but DON'T let them dictate your life. Find siblings or close friends and ask what they think about him. (Watch out though, advice from people jealous of your love will be biased.)
If you have a semi-close relationship with a teacher, coach, pastor, decon/elder from church, or neighbor, those are usually good people to get advice from. For one, they are older, so their advice is good. Two, they know you better than I do. Three, they don't have the "protective" thing that your parents do, so while they have your best intrests at heart, they will be more open to letting you make your own decisions.
I'm a procrastinator in a steady relationship, so yes, it's possible to be one and still love someone.
As for the fighting... everyone fights; it's just how they handle it. Couples who enter into a "discussion" knowing it'll be a hot one and make a concious decision to handle it with grace stay happy. Couples who are quick to point the finger, play the blame game, dish out guilt, bring up the past, yell, scream, throw things... those are the ones that turn bitter. Fighting starts at around the 2-year mark in most relationships. Learn how to fight without the anger part and you'll be good to go.
Hope that helps
-Evan
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ok well im a 15/f and my bf is a 16/m. we have been together for over a year now and i know what people are going to say your 15 sex can wait and i know it can. i mean i want to wait until later on in life but yet i sometimes feel like im ready to do it with him.. i mean me and him have talked about it before and he says he thinks hes ready but it all depends on me. i mean i love him to death and never felt this way about a guy before..he tells me he loves me alot and wouldnt make me do anything i wouldnt want to..hes told me that hes never felt this way and wouldnt know what to do if he lost me. but i mean when i say i want to i know for a fact ill chicken out because im so self conscience and like because of pain and possible bleeding. we talked about it last night and like when he wants to and stuff but he told me its up to me. like how do i know if im ready? how bad does it hurt? and like would i bleed alot? like i dont want to screw up and stuff like im scared to do it how do i get over it?
sorry its so long
thanks
(i rate)
You are such a wonderful person. You actually took the time to explain the situation, and how you feel about it. That helps when people are trying to write back.
Most people who have had sex say they wish they would have waited. I wish I would have. Maybe you'll marry this guy, maybe you won't. It will be more fun then than it will be now though, let me tell you. Staying a vergin these days is hard. Really REALLY hard. Everyone always talks about how fun it is, or how good it feels, or how much they love who they do it with. What people don't talk about is the morning after. Sex is a powerful thing, and the emotions that run through your head the next morning are incredible. You worry: "Did they have like it?", "was I good enough?", "Am I pregnant??" and much more.
Love is a very complicated thing. I suggest you spend at least 3 years with someone before you decide you want to have sex. There is such a thing as "puppy love". I hated it when people told me that I wasn't "in love", and that it was just puppy love. But that's what it was. Durring the first year to two years, you love some one, they are perfect, and if they are not, their shortcomings are not a big deal; you shrug them off. After those two years or so, you do begin to see their faults. All of em. If you decide THEN that you still want to be with them, THATS what love is... It can wait, at least 2 years...
I hope to hear back from you about what you decided to do...
Good luck, I hope all goes well with you...
-Evan.
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I just met the nicest guy over at plentyoffish.com . It's an online dating site that's free. He is smart, ambitious, lives in the same area, is the same age as me (28), and has similar values and goals. He's also quite attractive from his photo! We've been emailing each other for the last few days. So far I've found out where he works, and he knows where I work. We've also asked each other which highschool we went to, and found out that neither of us enjoyed it. We seem to have a ton in common.
My question is, being that I am very shy and havent dated in a long time (with the exception of a blind date in January that was disastrous), how should I handle this new guy? Should I wait for him to ask me out? So far we have just been writing each other.
A couple of things: I don't pretend to know everything, this is just advice, not "The answer"
1. Let him make the first move. If He's into you, he will. Even if he's shy. There is no backing out for a guy if he's into you. It may take a while, but it'll happen. I used to be painfully shy. Took me 4 or 5 weeks to ask this girl out. It was definately worth it. If he never makes a move, he's not worth it. Plus, if he asks you out, there will never be any doubt in your mind: "would he have gone out with me if i didn't ask him?"
2. As far as online relationships go, you never know who your going to meet, they could be crazy. You could bring a freind, double-date, or if those would wreck the "mood" then go alone, but tell someone where you are going, and call them by such and such a time.
3. If you really really dig this guy... Like, you've met him twice and you think he could turn out being the one... Bring him to meet some friends and family. See if they like him. It's easier to let your friends/family get to know him (or not), and then fall in love (or maybe not), than it is to fall in love and then try and work it out with your friends/family.
4. Good luck. It's hard to find love, especially for us shy people... ;) Hope you find what you're looking for.
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me & ryan ex boyfriend, we're realllyyy close. we used to hang out everyday and always talk on the phonnee. then about 2 months ago we stoped. he stoped calling and stoped hanging out with mee. then about 2 weeks ago a girl who likes everyone, started to like him. and i thought i could trust him and no that he wouldnt like her. well he told me he didnt and was pretending then 5 days after this girl sent me proof. a myspace message that he sent her. it said blahblahblahblah i love you. =[ it made me really sad because i knew he wasnt kidding. and he wasnt. i talked him about it and he was like "im sorry for lying and messing things up but there nothing i can do now to make us the way we were. so this is bye." it was very hurtful.=[ then 2 days after that day. i was walking in the hall (in school) and then he was behind me so i tryed to walk a little faster then he was saying my name i knew i shouldnt of awnsered. but i did. i turned around and was like yes... and then he just told me an inside joke he had with someone. i was like okay. but i think he kinda did that just to talk to me. but then that same day on the bus (were on the same bus) me and him were talking and i was like can i just have one more hug and he was like yeah. then while we were hugging my best friend emily said "do you still like her" and he shaked his head no. but he always says he doesnt mean anything he says when were in fights.
so im really confused. should i try to get over him. or maybe talk to him about this.. or something =/
ohh yeah and then the other day i was in the car, and then i relized i missed him alottt. and bursted out in tears.
--confused.
i rate ALL 5's
If he left you, that's his deal; he has his reasons. Does that mean your a bad person? No. You are great. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You may never know why he left, but the fact that he's already talking to someone else makes me think he's over you. If he's over you, you may as well get over him. Telling you "there are more fish in the sea" probably isn't of much consolation, but there are. There are more out there. As far as getting over him goes: Get out, hang out with your friends, play some games. Laughter may not be the BEST medicine, but it definatley helps. Laughter and friends...
Feel free to post back. Hope you feel better! :)
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