Got a problem with a relationship? -a family member? Are you carrying around a secret that you just have to tell someone or you'll burst? Do you wish you had an outside opinion? Are you a guy who needs a woman's perspective? AskAuntEmma offers skilled, ethical and helpful advice about whatever you're struggling with. She's perceptive and easy to talk to. She'll help you identify the problem and offer straight-forward advice. Or, she'll just listen. She'll respect you and your choice. The rest is up to you. 1-888-693-8437 ext. 05238037
Gender: Female
Occupation: Former professional therapist
Member Since: June 10, 2016
Answers: 28
Last Update: December 20, 2016
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I am 27 and I like a guy that goes with me to the college I go to but he I 40 years old is he to old for me? Would it me me sound desperate if I asked him out? (link)
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The age difference is a problem and could be a challenge but as with all relationships, that is only one of many MANY factors. You don't provide any others. There's a difference between getting to know him better and getting into a full blown relationship. Think carefully about that but asking someone to coffee isn't a bad thing. Be cautious and be open to other kinds of "associations."
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im 22yrs will turn 23 next june. i am an average guy to the core.. like really average that goes or my looks to spirit. still living with my parents because no balls to move out. i attempted college but couldn't even finish the first year. i want to do IT or Cyber security i do find that interesting. but im not that smart or rather i know im very lazy just not willing to care enough to try my best. though i took 4 attempts at college and the last term i attend i couldn't handle it so i just stopped showing up. so i failed and my gpa went from 3.0 to 1.4. i dont think i can get financial aid anymore because of it... my parents cant help but want to help as much they can. i cant do that to them my father works 75-80hrs a week and my mother works 40 i have two little sister age 16 and 10... with that said yeah we are not poor but live a hard life. my parents never take time for themselves and i feel like worthless son... i love them so much. i attempted to work and help and college ... but all that i failed at....i really gave an effort but i work or go to college for few months then i feel so much pressure .. fear... anxiety that i cant take it and i quit. i have friends who are doing good now and try to help but i dont want that...i wanna be independent but i dont know how i can be. most of the time i rather be left alone i dont always like to hang with my friends i rather be on my room.. yeah iknow in my comfort zone...pathetic.
things i want ...
i wanna get my BS but dont know how i can pay for it. cant do much with a $9hr wage. only jobs i can get are with that pay rate.
i wanna move out. so my parents have one less kid to worry about and feed even tho its 22yrs old.
have my BS use it to get decent job.. i dont need a a lot of money i just want a comfortable life where i can help myself and my parents.
with alll this in my head i still dont know where to start what to do .. how to do it .. how to pay for college..can i get over my laziness or my anxiety and get my head out of my a@@ and get to work?
hate on this... tell me i am a loser or give me advise anything is appreciated. (link)
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Sounds like you want people to tell you you're a loser. But why do that when you are more successful than anyone at doing that. I am not going to tell you to think positively, as that is just a foolish platitude. You need to see the connection between the negative why you talk about and see yourself and using that as an excuse to continue in the same way. if you keep labeling yourself as lazy, you will continue to live up to that characterization.
You do seem to have a genuine concern for your parents and their well-being. That's a good quality. So, if you won't get off the dime for yourself, do it for them, until you can work up to doing it for you.
As for paying for college, go to a local or community college and discuss that with them. They are much more qualified to know what assistance is available. Gather information and stop worrying about the end result. Just get going in the process.
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I met a guy on deviant art who was 20 (I'm 13 but I turn 14 on January 7th) and we started talking. I never had my age or name up on my profile. Or how I looked like. So he didn't know how old I was or any of that. He saw my art, though and thought I was so great. He had a fan fiction series he was writing and I suggested he made a Wattpad account for it. So he did. And we chatted on there more. One day I suggested he added a cover to his fan fiction and he said he wasn't too good at making covers so I offered to draw one for him. I finished it within a week (I think). He loved it and even told me I did so well, he kinda wanted to give me virtual kisses because of it. I was kinda shocked and didn't know how to respond at first. Then I replied- "That's cute. *virtual kisses* 😘" He did the same. Ever since, we'd been giving each other virtual kisses and I was had been so into him while we were talking as friends so I went along with it. Later on, we got pretty close and I lived it. However, one day I was just looking around at his profile and I saw it. He was 20 effing years old. I didn't know what to do because I was already so into him and thought my age could scare him off. But I ignored it for a while. Months later (and quite recently) he asked me how old I was and my hear freaking SINKED. I freaked out big time and didn't know what to say. I was thinking "Should I tell him my real age?" "What if he never talks to me again?" "What's gonna happen?" Eventually, I freaked out and told him I was 15, thinking it would freak him out a little less (again, I'm 13). His reaction wasn't really good at first but he said he'd wait for me and he thinks I'm turning 18 in 2019 but I'm really turning 18 in 2020. So instead of 3 years, he'd have to wait 5 years for me to turn 18. It's almost been a month since then and I'm in love with this guy. I know how he looks, how he sounds, and everything. He has a YouTube channel as well but anyways yeah. We've been texting on Kik for awhile now. But idk what to do, PLEASE HELP. WE'VE BEEN FLIRTING A LOT AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO MEET EACH OTHER ONE DAY. IM SCARED HOW HE'LL REACT AND THAT HE'LL STOP TALKING TO ME!!! HELP!!!!!
I don't even CARE if he doesn't want a relationship. Just having him still talk to me will be enough. (link)
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Dear You,
So sorry if it took me a while to get back to you. I am delighted that you decided to write. My answer is not likely to please you but it will be honest. I know you think you are in love with this guy but you don't know him. "Virtual" anything isn't real. It's "Virtual!" In addition to that, you are very young and in experienced about real love. Some of us take a lifetime to understand that and others of us never do! You MUST slow yourself down and stop thinking you know this guy. He could be 47! He could be a woman! I know, I know, he has a website etc. but REAL relationships require REAL one on one time looking someone in the eye. Not even Skype is the same. Building trust is a long process and many people have trouble with that at any age. You are playing with fire! You MUST be honest with him and tell him how old you are. You MUST have enough respect for yourself not to be so desperate just to talk to him that you are willing to lie!!! You have a great deal of time and growing to do as it relates to romantic relationships. I know, right now, it feels as if you can't possibly wait and you have to have it NOW. You don't and you shouldn't. You need to move slowly into the dating arena WHEN YOU'RE READY! with people your own age. There are many stages to growing to healthy adulthood. This is a major speed bump and it's not a good one! Tell him your age. DO NOT get involved with him and recognize the difference between "virtual" and REAL. Remember: VIRTUAL is NOT real! Holding someone's real hand and looking them in the eye and a lot more is what's real. The very best to you. Aunt Emma
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Went through our phone records and there were 100 text messages all hours of the day til late at night between my husband and his female coworker. I confronted him and at first he said he had no idea who it was. I googled the number and knew who it was. I asked if I could see the messages
and he deleted them. Even the ones he got today.
I told him that looks bad..she's just a friend he says. They just talk about work stuff. He is usually sweet to me and as I tried to make my point he called me an effing B. He has never said anything like that to me in 13 years. I feel catatonic with shock..please give me advice. (link)
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Sorry about what you're going through. Unlike another answer, I don't think it is certain that he's having an affair but I wouldn't be surprised either. What seems certain is that he is hiding something. People who have something to hide are usually doing something wrong. If you can't trust him, you don't have a relationship. Unfortunately, this is a long process now that you have discovered that at the very least, he has been emotionally unfaithful to you. Try to get him to come clean and then decide what to do next. If you can no longer trust him, you have no relationship.
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Hey there. I'm a 21 year old female and I have struggled with bulimia off and on for about 4 years. It started when I got to college and used it as a way to deal with stress. I was dating a guy at the time and he was the only one who realized that I had a problem because I was mostly bulimic with anorexic periods mixed in so it was pretty easy to hide and I got very good at it. Leaning on my boyfriend and only my boyfriend made me very dependent on him. I should have seeked help much earlier on but refused to admit that it was a real problem until after we broke up. In a way I think this issue was part of our breakup. I have never been in counseling but I confused in my doctor and he will often put me on a very mild dose of Prozac when I'm going through a stressful time because my bulimia only really surfaces when I am stressed out even though I work out every day and do other stress management practices, I suffer from pretty intense anxiety and I really like the months that I'm on the Prozac but don't like being dependent on medicine. I'm not sure all of this is relevant. I suppose I just don't want to get any responses that urge counseling or other suggestions related to the bulimia because it is not really what I'm asking here.
My problem is I have been with my current boyfriend for quite some time now and he is the love of my life. But I keep these issues from him. Granted, the majority of our relationship I have had it under control and been completely free of bingeing and purging. I have been starting to struggle recently and have told my two closest friends and discussed starting on the medication again. And I feel guilty. Like I'm lying to him by not telling him what's going on. It's a deeply personal issue and I am so scared to tell him and have it ruin our relationship like the last one. And I know I know, if it's truly meant to be he should be able to work with me/support me blah blah I know this... But it's so difficult to work up the courage to tell him. It's the worst thing about myself and I don't talk about it anyone, ever, anymore besides my doctor or to let my friends know I'm back on medication (my doctor said this is a safe thing to do for antidepressants). I guess I'm asking if this is something that I truly need to tell him... and if it is, how? Because I physically don't feel able.
Any suggestions appreciated. (link)
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In relationships there aren't a lot of "have to's." The relationship itself is completely voluntary. I know what you mean....you want to know if you "should" tell him in the service of a healthier more honest relationship. The answer to that question is yes. But how and when you tell him presents a lot more choices. You are also stating, and it's quite understandable, that you are afraid to tell him for fear that he might think less of you or that he won't be as supportive as you might hope. That's why tough things like this test the mettle of relationships. This is what I would call a high-stakes conversation but one that you are completely capable of having. First, make sure that you pick a time when he is relaxed and not distracted. Maybe tell him over dinner. Second, let him know how hard it is for you to tell him. Third, you need not overwhelm him with a lot of detail. Let him take the lead in the questions he asks. Finally, it's perfectly wise to wait until you feel you have a stronger handle on it. Only you can determine when the best time is. There's no rush, but eventually, this is a conversation that you need to have. One more thing, when you muster up the courage to have a tough conversation like this, it gives your partner more permission to do the same. You might find that he starts to share with you on a deeper level as well. Best of luck with your recovery and with your communication.
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Hi I'm Jay, so I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now, he's 18 and I'm 16 and I don't know if it's me but I just have a small feeling my boyfriend is little bit too controlling. He always tells me that I'm a child and that I act grown and if i joke around and say he's a child too he gets a bit defensive and claims he's not a child and that's he's grown. Whenever I might express something or do something he doesn't do or agree with he tells me i need to get it together, and i feel it's like his line for me like he tells me this more than he says he loves me but i know he does, and he says it as if i dont have my life in one piece and i do and for some reason he finds it necessary to tell me that more than once weekly that i dont have it together. I dont know if that's considered controlling at all. But another thing when it comes to us like having sex or anything sexual he likes it when i call him daddy and i don't really mind it, but sometimes when he asks me to do something and i say no he'll be like i seem to be forgetting who daddy is in the relationship and that its not me it's him. I feel like he shouldn't bring that into everyday things because i feel like he's using it over me in the wrong way and situations. So is he controlling or am I overreacting? Any advice is helpful. (link)
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He is clearly dominating and controlling. Despite some of the commenters here, this is not typical. Do not lump them all together. You sound young and you ARE young and have much to learn and experience about men. What are you doing having sex? And with someone whom you're not even sure what he's about? That is a good reason to delay having sex until you are more mature and can judge these things for yourself and more clearly. It will also give you a chance to build your self-esteem so you'll know when someone is trying to push you around and disrespect you. Unless you like a controlling, dominating kind of a guy, RUN!
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I am a girl, currently in Grade 12, and I have had a crush on this one guy in my grade since halfway through first semester grade 9.
He is really cute, and he loves singing and history. He is really funny, but can also be quite serious. He tends to be quite loud in class(he is in no way shy), but he is so sweet and kind and honest that the teachers rarely get mad at him.
I am quite(extremely...) shy when in a group setting, but one on one I tend to open up a bit. However, I only ever see this guy in class, in choir, and when our two friend groups (occasionally) hang out together.
He is always hanging around with this one group of girls, but he would never date any of them, so I know that's not an issue. The problem is that he's always with them. I get along well with all of them, a couple are even sort of my friends, but it would be awkward for me to just join their group when they are talking or whatever. I have in the past, like if they are in my class and my regular friends aren't but its just a little awkward...anyways yeah I feel too awkward to get closer to him that way.
He jokes around a lot, and when we are in a small group of people together, he sometimes/often teases me more than the other people in the group. In class the other day, he came over to talk to me, and he asked me about why I had been late for class that morning. He has done similar things a number of times in the past.
Also, just to point out, he is straight. I know this for sure. The girls he hangs out with have been his friends for years, they are like sisters to him...
Another problem- I am scared to tell my friends I like him. I told them a couple years ago, but they laughed and told me we would make a really awkward couple (probably because I'm 5'9", and at the time he was super skinny and like 5'3", but he's grown since then). I would love to have their support, but we don't really talk about guys much, and I feel like I've been lying to them for years about this guy..not that I ever lied...I just didn't speak up...
Also, casual out-of-school meetings are difficult because he lives in a different city than I do, although we go to the same school (it's a private school). I can't just casually invite him to do something with me like randomly on a Saturday because he lives like a 45 minute drive away..
I guess what I want to know is: do I have any chance with him? and how do I got about getting that chance? (link)
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I"m delighted that you decided to ask me a question.
Well, of course you have a chance!! But no one can tell you how much of one. Only you can find that out by continuing to develop your friendship/relationship with him. Keep upping the ante by deepening the conversation about other topics. What he thinks, how he feels. And share those things with him to the extent you are comfortable. Listen to learn more about him. There's much you don't know, like why he doesn't date. Not saying that is a problem but I bet there are some interesting reasons. Your friendship can grow into more but first you have to develop the friendship. As you get to know him, you'll see if you still like him as much as you did before. Be open to whatever comes and remember, there are other guys out there too!
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28/f, 27m. We've been together for a bit more than a year.
I posted this question awhile back, if you'd like background: http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=659929
Basically, I have concluded that for whatever reason, things aren't right, and I need to end this relationship. Problem is, I've tried three times to do so, and every time either I push him into saying what I want to hear, or he talks me back into his arms.
But, AskAuntEmma was right - if I loved him, I would accept him for who he is AS he is. It's not right that I want him to change. I think it's almost that he was so close to what I thought my ideal partner was... I thought on some level if I pushed him, he could be that. But all he can be is, in fact, himself. I am beyond grateful for what he's done for me, what he's helped me through and how he's supported me, but he isn't what I want or need in a romantic life partner.
So... I want to give him the respect of doing this face-to-face. But I'm afraid I'll end up back in his arms again. The LAST thing I want to do is string him along and make it worse.
In a situation like this, how do I make sure that I don't chicken out? (link)
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Glad something I said was helpful. So here's the next step.
I do think it's the right thing to do to break up in person. These people who break up in text or just stop answering the phone are cowards. It's all in the language. Meet him in a PUBLIC place (coffee, not dinner) so he cannot romance or sex you into changing your mind. Use firm and final language. Do not let him put you on the defensive, trying to pin you down on what precisely your complaints are. You don't need to give him the why at all! Just tell him your decision is final and then tell him how grateful you are for the time you've spent together.
You will be sad and you will grieve. It's just the nature of the beat. BTW, I would be cautious about thinking in terms of having an "ideal" partner. Do not date with the idea that a person has to fit in to your preconceived notions. If you do, you'll miss some truly great people. Give yourself time and don't start dating immediately. Time for introspection is incredibly important. Good luck.
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My boyfriend and I have been arguing about random things lately now and then. I sometimes feel that he is trying to find an excuse, I don't know why. Recently he just asked me about my car, and what year it is. (Its a mercedes s550 2007). I told him I don't think a person's car or what they have is what should be important but the person themselves. I said I don't ask about your car or your business. We had fought about my previous car as well, as he wanted to use it for a few days since I am no longer using that one. I feel like he is always analyzing me and trying to figure something out from my answers. Shouldn't the women be doing this? Anyway, today he asked again and I still did not tell him, I asked what does it matter, it doesn't matter for me. He said it does because it defines your personality and if you don't tell me what year your car is then who knows what you won't tell me later on in life if we get married. I wrote back if it's something important of course I'll tell you but unimportant topics like this shouldn't matter. He went offline. We have been seriously thinking about marriage soon but how would it be if we happen to argue lately about everything and our minds are very confused. I just don't know what to do, and should I tell him my car year (aka feed his egoistic curiosity). I don't know anymore. Thank you... (link)
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Sounds like you don't trust him or his motives and based on what you have written here, I would tend to agree with you. Cars do not define your personality! But if they define his, then that is only one of several problems. He is baiting you by promising that you might get married. Men think this is a woman's dearest hope. Not always true these days. It's also not always true that women are supposed to grill their partners and constantly analyze and find meaning in their answers. Trust your gut on this one. If you don't trust his intentions, don't trust them! Stay strong and my bottom line advice? Walk and maybe run from this guy and find someone who appreciates you instead of your car.
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i'm in an unofficial relationship with this really great guy. we aren't formally together, but everyone pretty much already knows that we have a thing. he's charming, eloquent and attractive; i was attracted to him from the very start. upon finding out that the feelings were mutual, we both decided to unofficially 'get together'. now we talk to each other everyday, converse with all kinds of romantic words and all that jazz.
but this all changed when i met someone else. this other guy was incredibly persistent, he liked me from the moment we talked. even though i tried to tell him that i was emotionally unavailable, he wouldn't give up. and if i were to be honest, i enjoy conversations with him much more than i do when talking to my 'boyfriend'. he just has a certain type of wit about him that makes my heart skip a beat, especially when he says all the smooth things. previously, i suspected him of being a huge flirt with everyone and called him out on it, but he told me that he was only interested in me.
i mean, the choice seems rather obvious, right? i'm not even formally in a relationship, so it would be easier to break things off with the first guy. furthermore, i'm more attracted to the second. but i'm not someone who enjoys confrontations, and i hate the idea of hurting others. i should never have even developed feelings for the second guy in the first place, i don't know why i did. can anyone tell me what i should do, and how to go about it? thank you. (link)
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Seems like you are assuming commitment where there is none in both of these cases. In the first case, you believe you're in a relationship but it's "unofficial." What exactly does that mean? That neither of you will commit to even being in a relationship? Or is it one of you? You can't really break up something that never began. (You haven't explained the extent of your intimacy but how you two define your level commitment is the important thing---not how anyone else categorizes it.
In the second case, you haven't really gotten that started yet either. Allow it to develop and when it's time to discuss "being a couple" (you're not there yet) discuss it with each other. If you can't talk openly about that, how can you hope to talk openly about anything else? How do you go about it? Be courteous but be more open about how you feel. That's necessary for friendships and love relationships alike.
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