|
How can I make sure I don't chicken out?
28/f, 27m. We've been together for a bit more than a year.
I posted this question awhile back, if you'd like background: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Basically, I have concluded that for whatever reason, things aren't right, and I need to end this relationship. Problem is, I've tried three times to do so, and every time either I push him into saying what I want to hear, or he talks me back into his arms.
But, AskAuntEmma was right - if I loved him, I would accept him for who he is AS he is. It's not right that I want him to change. I think it's almost that he was so close to what I thought my ideal partner was... I thought on some level if I pushed him, he could be that. But all he can be is, in fact, himself. I am beyond grateful for what he's done for me, what he's helped me through and how he's supported me, but he isn't what I want or need in a romantic life partner.
So... I want to give him the respect of doing this face-to-face. But I'm afraid I'll end up back in his arms again. The LAST thing I want to do is string him along and make it worse.
In a situation like this, how do I make sure that I don't chicken out?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Glad something I said was helpful. So here's the next step.
I do think it's the right thing to do to break up in person. These people who break up in text or just stop answering the phone are cowards. It's all in the language. Meet him in a PUBLIC place (coffee, not dinner) so he cannot romance or sex you into changing your mind. Use firm and final language. Do not let him put you on the defensive, trying to pin you down on what precisely your complaints are. You don't need to give him the why at all! Just tell him your decision is final and then tell him how grateful you are for the time you've spent together.
You will be sad and you will grieve. It's just the nature of the beat. BTW, I would be cautious about thinking in terms of having an "ideal" partner. Do not date with the idea that a person has to fit in to your preconceived notions. If you do, you'll miss some truly great people. Give yourself time and don't start dating immediately. Time for introspection is incredibly important. Good luck.
]
It's all a mental process. Right now your thoughts of wanting to be free of him are not strong enough, same as your not being in love. You may be subconsciously fighting your conscious mind and not know it. While your awake mind may be saying, I need to break up for good, your subconscious is arguing, "But it is scary to find someone new and more right for me. What if I don't find anyone? I'm more comfortable with a known factor than something new." So it may take as much as having a good convo with yourself, not us or anyone else, just yourself. Find a place you can do so aloud without anyone thinking you're a crazy person for talking to yourself. Then talk to yourself as if there are two of you inside. Explain to yourself why you don't want to stay and what is not right. Then ask your self, why you are fighting so desperately to hold on to him, to change him into what you want.
You need to know first what fears you are facing deep inside before you can work this out for yourself. Your two minds are basically playing tug of war with you. It is a very real situation psychologists know of, one fighting against themselves, being your own worst enemy so to speak.
If you knew the fact that the only person you have the power to change for the better is yourself and you can't force anyone else to change to exactly what you want....is that enough for you to give up and let him go for good? I would hope so. But I beleive there are some buried fears deep inside you have to discover and then acknowledge but tell your sub self that you are not going to accept him as he currently is and since you can't change him as a person, that you need to let him go. YOu don't want to settle for less than what works best for you. Now along those lines, imagine yourself and him with him just the same now as in the future. Can you picture yourself still with him after another year passes by, how about 5, now a decade (10 yrs), or how about for the rest of your life. I used that thought process when leaving an abusive spouse and tho I could trick my sub into going along with it on a day by day basis, when I switched my thoughts to picturing the grander scale, I broke down and cried because I was terrified of an entire life with nothing better, but possibly worse than I had right now. That was enough incentive for me to leave for good.
You might try that yourself.
Then lastly, there are spiritual things that can be done to help, more commonly known as cords of attachment when you get into a relationship with a person. There are positive cords which are what keep you going back but these are only meant to remanin as the good memories. Then there's the negative cords that need to be severed. Since there is no tangible, visiable cord attached between you and him, this means it needs to be taken care of on a psychic level. And its simple. I simply used a large pair of scissors and pictured with eyes closed, a cord between me and partner and doing it like a ribbon cutting ceremony, just snip it in half. I was told by my angels that once I did this, there was no going back, I was on my way out of the relationship.
Here's a link on cord cutting:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
And that is all that I have for you, and it will work IF you are very ready for it.
Need more incentive? Okay, when a person is unhappily in a relationship even if its no fault of the other person, just not being right for you, you suffer a kind of stress that as the years go by, has to go somewhere and usually it goes into bringing on emotional problems like depression and ending up on meds or into physical ailments...the body isn't meant to deal with on going stress 24.7 without a break which is what it would be if married to someone you begin to despise and resent with a part of yourself. I was a classic case of every stress related illness except the last two, cancer and heart attack which would have happened eventually too if I'd stayed. But imagine my having to live with daily headaches and the 3 times a year migraines, stomach ulcers, and total body stress rash that itched like hell and scratching makes it last even longer. Those are all stressed induced illnesses and I suffered with them.
Do the cord cutting before seeing him face to face and realize the good feelings you feel when telling him that its over are only the memories of the good parts you want to look for in the next person but changes for the better on the other parts.
You still may not get exactly what you pictured in your head, but you want someone where both of you are in love with each other, treat each other as ones very best friend and also most perfect lover. The wants in a relationship are just icing on the cake but not necessary. I wanted a guy with long hair and got that. I also wanted a man who liked to dance and go dancing with me...I did not get that. Its knowing what a deal breaker is and what isn't for you. A good deal breaker for a young lady would be if she wants children some day soon and of course marriage and the guy is totally against having a child and doenst even like kids. That would be a deal breaker cus you can not change who he is on something like that or it isn't likely to change later on either. Most of us make minor changes in our own lives but major ones rarely if ever happen and some of these rare major changes for the better take an entire life time to finally occur in a person like in their old age. Got that from my ex's psychologist. When I realized finally that its more of whether I can accept the person as they are right at this moment with no promise of any change up to the day they die, or give up and let them go, I realized the ex had to go. Hope you can do it too.
]
More Questions: |