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It's over... but why?
Okay, 28/f. He's 27. We've been together for a bit more than a year...
We were fine... but then we weren't. I started to want more than he could/would give me. When I brought my needs to him, he wanted to try to do everything he could to change and fight for the relationship.
But the problem is... I think I'm just done. Not only did I say I loved him first, but he didn't respond. I had to ask him to say it six months later, after dream after dream where I heard him say it, and woke up to realize he hadn't. I know that he tried to show me (and to me, yes, actions DO speak louder than words), but... When I'm physically with him, I'm happy and I think things like "THIS is right. Cuddled up on the couch, comfortable, talking..." But when we're not physically together, it's like the spell is broken and it no longer feels right. We didn't have sex for more than a month until we had makeup sex after the first time I tried to break up with him...
This is the first relationship I've ever had where I wasn't being abused in some way. He's done NOTHING wrong. I mean... well, he's done a couple dumb things. But to be fair I'm his first serious relationship since high school...
I just... I feel so selfish. I love him and I want a future with him, but he needs to grow up first. If I'm not happy and thinking like that, it's not fair to him, is it?
We both lost our jobs this past year. When he lost his job, he picked up a bunch of hobbies and started playing community soccer more often. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life. When I lost my job, I became more driven to succeed in my field - that's another thing.
He's a brilliant human being. But he doesn't even have a Bachelor's degree yet, and I'm starting a doctoral program in the fall. Granted, he started a program recently, but he's taking on-line classes and doesn't know what he wants to do with it.
I feel like he's still trying to start his life, whereas I feel like I'm halfway through mine.
How do I explain this? How do I justify this? I don't know how to understand it myself.
Is this even right? Am I as selfish as I feel? Do I end my first not-harmful relationship over being in different places in life? Do people do that? Is that a reason to end it?
Is there a reason to stay? :(
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You say you love him but it doesn't sound like it. To love someone is to accept and appreciate them for who they are. Clearly he doesn't live up to certain standards you have but are afraid to admit. Or, you admit it and then admonish yourself for it. It's possible that you are being more critical of him because he hasn't abused you yet. Only you can answer that question. Only you can determine whether what you call abuse is actually abuse or whether it's a catch-all phrase for behavior you don't like. The term abusive, 'emotionally abusive' is extremely over-used today and diminishes the definition of the real thing when it unfortunately occurs.) Despite all of this, you say you love him and you want a future with him. It would be a miserable experience for you both if you ignored the reality that he can't seem to live up to your expectations. Looks like you have some growing up to do, to figure out why you have tolerated abusive relationships and then get into a relationship with someone who can't seem to live up to your expectations. The bottom line is: eiither accept him for who he is or move on.
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the best that I can pull something out of what you wrote is that whether you realize it or not, you have a picture in your mind, an ideal of what he needs to be like to qualify to be your partner, a standard you have in mind that he must meet to be perfect for you. While I am one for having a written or mental list of what you are looking for in a partner and using it to compare the guy you meet, right at the beginning in first couple dates, my list contains the major needs, the deal breakers if not present, not the small stuff that one can choose to live with.
You have needs and you have wants for such a list.
A need for example is : a guy with same religious beliefs, who does want children like you, or if you like to drink, not someone who is an ex alcoholic who would be tempted when you do, or like myself, allergic to cigarette smoke so I couldnt be with a smoker.
A want is more like the icing on the cake, nice but not necessary, something you can live without like preferring a blonde but he's brunette, preferring someone who is artistic, he's not, someone with a fancy degree, he's just a hard worker with a good income. Some things are worth holding out for and not settling for less while other things are nice, may even be hobbies or dear to you but he has no interest. You are the only one who can really weigh the differences and decide, Do I have all or almost all the must have's on my list? Of the wants/preferances am I getting all, none or a few. Remember, for most of us, a want is compared to a like, a favorite thing and may be at the top but that doesnt mean we don't like any of the things that fall lower on the totem pole.
You wanted to know if how you are thinking is fair to him, probably not but I don't really know him to know from experience of being older and around longer whether there is serious issues about him you didnt mention cus you simply dont see them as such.
Then again, there are the things that with your awake/concious mind you may not like, but what really bothers you at a subconscious level, you aren't really aware of at the awake level. This is when it gets complicated and depending on how deeply both of you are invested into the relationship, you may require a third party to help you see what the real issues are. A relationship counselor may help. Lots of people never have a great desire on a particular area to go after a degree in school. This doesn't mean a person is without talents. There are many people with awesome talents and abilities in the world who never get the recognition for it like the famous few, their only recognition comes from those who know them closest, their mate, their family. This feeling of being halfway through your life means that before you're 60, your life is over? Life isn't over until you take your last breath and that can be at any age due to illness, accident. You could die tomorrow in a car accident or from old age in your 80's, 90's. The scale used to judge your own life can't be used to measure up the next person.
Do all people go through puberty exactly at the same time? No, a few are earlier, most are the same time and a few are late bloomers. Some people find their niche in life earlier like you, although I have a feeling that once my age, in looking back, you'll feel that you also were only in the beginning stages at this age. SOme people find their place in life later, like myself.
Loss of both jobs is enough emotional turmoil to cause stress and not able to concentrate or see things fully. Any major decision making like this relationship shouldn't be done at a time like this. What you both did once losing jobs says you both have a different way of dealing with the stress of that. Doing something physical like a sport may be his stress relief path and its works for him but wouldn't for you. So perhaps your way of dealing with stress is to suppress it or otherwise occupy your mind with more studying and applying yourself educationally with is engaging your mind, a mental path to dealing with stress.
I don't see how having these kinds of difference is a bad thing at all.
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