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how do i explain to someone that i've lost feelings for them?
i'm in an unofficial relationship with this really great guy. we aren't formally together, but everyone pretty much already knows that we have a thing. he's charming, eloquent and attractive; i was attracted to him from the very start. upon finding out that the feelings were mutual, we both decided to unofficially 'get together'. now we talk to each other everyday, converse with all kinds of romantic words and all that jazz.
but this all changed when i met someone else. this other guy was incredibly persistent, he liked me from the moment we talked. even though i tried to tell him that i was emotionally unavailable, he wouldn't give up. and if i were to be honest, i enjoy conversations with him much more than i do when talking to my 'boyfriend'. he just has a certain type of wit about him that makes my heart skip a beat, especially when he says all the smooth things. previously, i suspected him of being a huge flirt with everyone and called him out on it, but he told me that he was only interested in me.
i mean, the choice seems rather obvious, right? i'm not even formally in a relationship, so it would be easier to break things off with the first guy. furthermore, i'm more attracted to the second. but i'm not someone who enjoys confrontations, and i hate the idea of hurting others. i should never have even developed feelings for the second guy in the first place, i don't know why i did. can anyone tell me what i should do, and how to go about it? thank you.
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Lacy is right that you can't help falling for someone else. Plus this wasn't cheating if the two of you never moved on to the stage of being a committed couple. Theres dating to find out all about the other and whether they are someone you feel good about or if there are things about em you don't like or wont tolerate.
Its between a list of the must haves (in a partner) and the wants. A must have is the deal breaker if not present. If there are two people for you who meet all the must haves, then it falls to the wants to decide which one to go with. A want is not as important, like the icing on the cake but you could live without if you cant have it. So lets say you want a guy who likes to go dancing and has long hair and guy #2 is both while #1 is not. Then those would become your deciding factors.
You don't say how long you've known either one and it takes time to get to know a person so just be sure that even tho theres seems to be a stronger connection with #2 , that you do know enough before leaving #1, cus #1 may not take you back if things fall apart with the other.
Let me tell you a bit from my history, it may help. When I got divorced, I wanted to date again and maybe find a new mate. I had a list of what I wanted. So when I met guys on a dating site, I let them know up front before dating who I was, like letting a prospective boss know all your strengths and weaknesses, etc for a job interview. But I also had my list of what I needed in a guy. Told them it was okay if they didn't meet the criteria, it didnt make them a bad person, just not right for me. I also let them know that I would date several guys at the same time if it so happened that I met several at the same time, until I was sure of which one I wanted and then would tell the others, sorry but I chose someone else. Almost all guys are really okay with this. Only a few with a low self image would feel threatened and get angry with you as they did me. But it didnt bother me becuase I didn't want someone with low self esteem anyhow.
I want you to know its okay to date several at the same time as long as you say so up front. This is for the future.Since you said no such thing with guy #1, you'd have to let him know that tho you've enjoyed a relationship with him, you aren't totally sure about being with him long term and (if you want an official commitment of a sort, whether to remain together forever married or not) let him know you are ready to start looking for not just a guy to date and hang with and enjoy companionship, but you are looking for long term relationship.
In case this is the reason your feelings are gone, have you heard of New Relationship Energy? NRE happens with every new relationship, and it feels the same as when you were a kid and wanted a special toy so much and begged and begged til you got it for birthday or Christmas. Once you had it, it was so special, you were excited and played with it all day every day, then after a week or two, you didn't play as long with it but you still liked it. A month or two out, it wasn't as special as you thought it the beginning. The excitement wore off. I got toys that were perfect for my gifts and talents and hobbie likes and those are the ones I never got tired of. I might stash them away for a week and bring out again to have fun. Relationships if not the right one for you, then the energy you felt only mimicked interest or love. THen there are different kinds of love. You have favorite foods and may say you Love that food, but that kind of love isnt the love for a partner, at least it shouldn't be. You and your partner can love many things about each other, find each other special but not be 'in love' with each other. When in love with someone you meet and its reciprocated, neigther of you will be looking at anyone else, nor can another person come along and easily steal you away. So though you may have loved some things about #1, my guess is that you were not in love... which I feel is needed for any successful relationship, especially any committed, long term ones. Decide if this is what happened for you, Then explain it to him about loving but not being in love with. This means if things dont work out with #2, there is no reason to run back to #1 but keep looking for a third guy.
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First of all, you can't help falling for someone. You can't control your feelings so don't feel bad for this but when you say that you you "hate the idea of hurting others" it will definitely be hurting him more the longer things go on for. It's a difficult thing to do but if he hasn't fully committed to you then that insinuates that there's something wrong in the 'relationship' to start with. He could be afraid of commitment and if that's what you're looking for then I don't think that it's going to work with someone that isn't ready for it right now. Sit him down and explain that things aren't working out between you both and although things were good in the beginning you feel that they have fizzled out and you're both not in the same place anymore. It's always better to be honest with him.
Hope this helps & I'm sure things will work out for the best in the end!
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Seems like you are assuming commitment where there is none in both of these cases. In the first case, you believe you're in a relationship but it's "unofficial." What exactly does that mean? That neither of you will commit to even being in a relationship? Or is it one of you? You can't really break up something that never began. (You haven't explained the extent of your intimacy but how you two define your level commitment is the important thing---not how anyone else categorizes it.
In the second case, you haven't really gotten that started yet either. Allow it to develop and when it's time to discuss "being a couple" (you're not there yet) discuss it with each other. If you can't talk openly about that, how can you hope to talk openly about anything else? How do you go about it? Be courteous but be more open about how you feel. That's necessary for friendships and love relationships alike.
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