alexisgirlie's advice column

Good morning all,
I am a 24 year old female and I live with my mother, who has narcissistic personality disorder. Due to this disorder, she is obsessed with me in a way that is not healthy. She believes that I am her doll. I have endured psychological and emotional abuse beyond what I can explain in 2000 characters. If you are not familiar with the disorder, feel free to look it up. Also, look up narcissistic victim syndrome. This is what I am suffering from. I don't have enough money to move to a place of my own. My mom has also stolen my identity and completely ruined my credit, so I cannot afford to lease an apartment or anything like that. I am currently trying to find a roommate, at church or something, who may offer me a place that I can rent for cheap. I have my degree in education, but I am currently working on my master's and I don't make very much money. I would take out loans to pay for rent, but like I said, with the credit, no one will rent to me. One of the most horrible things that my mom has done is threaten me to break up with my boyfriend. I don't want to get into this whole ordeal as to why or what happened. Because honestly it's more about keeping up her appearance. She wants me to be with someone that she finds handsome, someone rich, so that he can provide for her and provide her with a lifestyle that she wants. And even if he doesn't extend that offer to her, she can show off her "rich daughter." The problem is that I am in love. We have been together for three years and we love each other very much. We are best friends. And after three years, we still get butterflies every time we are going to see each other. We often talk about getting married and how great it will be. I am very worried that my family and my mom will not come to the wedding and I guess I will just cross that bridge when I get there. But... in the meantime, I have a serious problem. I have been seeing him in secret for almost a year now. It has been a bad problem because we can barely see each other. And when we do, it has to be super secret. I am so afraid of my mom. In all honestly, I am not exaggerating when I say that I fear for my life. I am afraid that she is going to kill me in my sleep, or kill him. Or, at least hire someone to do it. Right now, they invited another family member to live with us and I don't even have my own bedroom, so I have to sleep with her. Tonight, I need to go to an important event with my boyfriend, and I don't know how I am going to get around her. I don't know where or how I can tell her that I'm going somewhere, and be at peace knowing that she is not around spying on me. The thought of her finding out makes me want to throw up. I am starting to get serious physical illnesses. I have been hospitalized 5 times because it has gone to my stomach... vomiting, diarrhea. I suffer from irritable bowl syndrome and terrible panic attacks. I have started to get very depressed and to be completely honest, I don't feel like living anymore. I would never do anything to myself because I am very religious and I consider that to be a terrible choice, and honestly, would be very selfish of me. I have people who need me, and I don't think that my mom needs to ruin their lives too. By 5:00pm today, I need to be there. It will be over by 7:30. I just need to get past today to worry about next week. Next week is his graduation from graduate school and I need to be there. My mom does not work on Saturdays or anything like that, so I need to keep her busy. Please, I beg for someone to help me with this. I will get help for my mom and for myself and I will come out of this. But, I need someone to help me with a precise plan as to how I can lie to her about tonight and make sure she doesn't see me. She has no friends, so it's not as if I can call up a friend and tell them to keep her busy. She has no one. She is only obsessed with me and I am her entire world. Someone please give me an alternative for tonight. I think that at 24, and all I've been through, I'm entitled to a nice evening with the person I love.

Please!

Hey there!

I'm not sure of how much help I can be because I don't know your mom, I don't know what your house looks like, but I will try, and it's past 2 pm now, so I guess I am making the 3 pm deadline... :)

Yes, you are entitled to a nice evening with your boyfriend. I don't know your mom, nor your situation, but you are an adult, and you have the right to see your boyfriend. If you sneak out and she catches you, that will be bad. She probably won't trust you or believe you again. You don't want that. The smart thing to do is take some deep breaths, and sit down with your mom, and have a frank mother to daughter talk, how this is not about her, but about you. You want to spend a nice evening out with a friend. Tell your mom you love her very much, but you are an adult, and you deserve to have a social life. You can decide if you are brave enough to say boyfriend, or simply say a "friend"...

So I don't know how messed up she is, or if being honest in a firm way is even an option. One tip I can give you is: don't be so so so anxious. Relax! Take some deep breaths. Maybe you can ask one of YOUR friends to hang out with your mom? Judging from what you said about how crazy your mom is, I don't know if you would want to do that, but I know I would bend over backwards for a friend in trouble. Just make sure your mom won't get any secrets out of her. Also if you refer to your boyfriend as a "friend", she might get suspicious why the other friend isn't going...

Maybe you should ask your boyfriend for some tips, see if he has any good ideas. One important thing is to come up with a whole lot of excuses in advance, in case she catches you to explain it away. If you are going to sneak out, find the best route and beware of creaking staircases and floorboards!! Don't wear shoes, just go ever so slowly.

REMEMBER THAT SNEAKING OUT, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE WAY YOUR MOM IS, IS REALLY REALLY RISKY!!

You have every single damn right to go out. Maybe just sit down with her like I said. You can give her a nice tight hug before you leave.

In most cases, honesty is the best policy. This is your life.

I honestly don't know the situation. You should relax though. Ask a friend or your boyfriend for help. Most importantly, HAVE FUN GIRL!!

Sincerely wishing you good luck. If you use any of my advice do so at your own risk. I hope it doesn't blow up in your face, but relax!

I hope you two have a fantastic, peaceful evening!

xoxo
~alexisgirlie

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(Rating: 5) Thank you so much! you are extremely sweet! I'm sorry for the delayed response. I thought I had rated your answer, but I guess there was a glitch since I was doing it from my phone. thank you sweetie xoxo

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