alexisgirlie's advice column

Try to imagine a woman like this and tell me if you think she's an absolutely abysmal mother. She has a whole mess of children including eight sons and a daughter. She was prone to multiple births and was going to quit after she finally had a girl, but was surprised with triplet sons.

She loves all of her so, so very much that she can hardly stand it. She loves EACH of them so much that she would die for any one of them without thinking about it. She loves them equally, but she's having trouble understanding a particular emotion she's having.

Not all of the kids have the same father. Her third son, Luke had a father who was murdered 17 years ago. Because of this, Luke's mother has always been terribly protective of him, more so than the other kids, and doesn't know why. She doesn't love him more that the other kids and his father's murderer is dead, so it's not like she can come after him, but she's still so crippled by the fear of losing him as she is about losing one of the other kids, but in a different way. It's not like it'd be worse than losing one of the other kids as she does not value his life any more than theirs, which makes this feeling so much more confusing.

She had a dream on night that two of her sons, Luke and Shane (one of the triplets) were in an accident recently. They were hit by a truck driven by a man that was having a heart attack at the time. It wasn't as bad of an accident as it sounds like as the truck wasn't moving very fast.

Luke suffered a few broken ribs and two bruised lungs, but was never in danger. Shane wasn't as lucky, but wasn't terribly unlucky either. He had broken ribs, bruised and punctured lungs, a crushed lower right leg, a broken wrist, and a cracked elbow. Both boys were basically guaranteed to survive, but Shane's situation was scarier, or should have been anyway. He had to have surgery to repair some bleeding in his chest and abdomen and got out of surgery right about the time mom got to the hospital.

She got to see Luke first and although she felt like she was in Hell when she heard about the accident, she was in Heaven when she saw Luke sitting up, looking at her, and talking to her. She had to be careful of his chest, but being able to hug his neck and head was one of if not THE greatest feeling she's ever had in her life.

Then she went to Shane's room. He was still unconscious from have been anesthetized, he was on a ventilator until the anesthesia wore off, and he was just heartbreaking to look at. It was definitely not the good feeling she got when she went into Luke's room.

Shane started breathing on his own the next morning and woke up a few hours later (they had him pretty sedated). Seeing this was an unbelievable delight for his mother. She was so happy, but it was a different kind of happy than when she saw that Luke was okay. Not less happy, just different happy.

When she woke up from this dream, she felt like a terrible, terrible mother and is wondering why she's feeling this way. She can't help but assume it's related to what happened to Luke's father. She has a few theories about why this could be happening including that she associates Luke with feelings of loss more than the other kids because she lost his father. Perhaps The thought of him becoming the victim of an act of violence angers hers terribly because of what happened to his dad. Or perhaps she just couldn't wait for him to become a man and reach the age his father was at the time of his death. She wanted to see how much he was like his dad and didn't want anything to happen to him before that could happen.

Why do YOU think this happens and do you think this woman is an absolutely terrible, pathetic mother?

Hey there!

I will start off by saying that I am NOT a mother! But this much I can tell you, you are not a terrible mother. Trust your theories, because while I was reading it, those exact theories were running through my mind, so I think those theories definitely have truth to them.

Those feelings sound so natural in a situation like this. I don't find them surprising. I cannot imagine it, but you basically figured out some potential theories yourself.

I think you will do the best thing for yourself, and Luke, and Shane, and all your other beautiful kids by seeing a therapist to discuss the tragedy with Luke's father, and the tremendous effect it has had on your mental health. I would say the trauma was really bad for you to even feel like a terrible mother because of how protective you are of Luke now. Discuss the dream. Talking to someone helps a lot, and it doesn't always have to be a therapist, because I know a lot of people don't want to see one, but also venting to a friend helps TREMENDOUSLY. But if you want to understand your dream better, and have the answer to your theories, and hear from a trained professional that you are not a terrible mother, and why you are even feeling like that, and how to deal with all of it, I am seriously hoping you go see a mental health professional, as well as talking to friends!!

There seems to be so much raw trauma.
So many conflicting, painful feelings.
So much guilt where there should be none.

This is genuinely one of most heartbreaking stories I have heard on here.

I'm sorry :(

Look into the mirror and tell yourself: I am a good mother!
When you hug your kids, whisper to yourself: I am a good mother!
When you make them dinner, or pack their lunches before they are off to school say to yourself: I am a good mother!
Hug each one of your kids, spend time with each one of your kids, and say to yourself: I am a good mother!

You are a good mother. You need help. You will be an even better, stronger mother and person if you get help.

One more thing I can tell you: You are amazingly brave.

Good luck!

xoxo
~alexisgirlie

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(Rating: 5) Thank you so very much for your wonderful advice. You've been a big help and I appreciate your kindness and your comforting words very, very much. I will absolutely look into counseling as you've said and I will take your other advice as well. Thanks again and God Bless you.

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