"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone." - Audrey Hepburn
I came to this site for advice about a man and love. That very question turned my entire world around and I have had my eyes opened to things I never noticed before.
I've stayed here so that I can share the knowledge I do have. I know I'm not changing the world but I do hope that I spark others to open their eyes.
"The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself." - Oscar Wilde
So, if you learn something from what I say then repeat it to someone else who can use it.
I hope that if you see an answer of mine that you enjoy it will inspire you to go out of your way to give good, solid information. Provide links for further information, detail your responses, encourage people to seek out professionals when it's needed, and stop sugar-coating responses and just say the truth.
I hope that even if you absolutely hate my answer that it'll kick start your brain. Hopefully you'll begin taking your time to respond instead of hurried answers that are useless to an already confused person.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost
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So, this is a long one.
I had a guy track me down on Facebook and send me a long message about how I tortured and bullied him in school.
But most of what he said I don't remember, and a lot it couldn’t have happened. I had a rather severe anxiety disorder throughout my early teens, a few years are just emotional blurs to me, but some of things he claimed I did - like speak up in class to embarrass him, or make up a nasty song about him - it’s really near impossible for me to have done. I didn’t speak in class. I started to cry or throw up when I had to make presentations. I wouldn’t speak aloud to people who weren’t my friends. I stayed inside at recess and shelved books in the library... What I DO remember is coming home violently crying because of what this boy had a habit of taking things from me and flushing them down the toilet - to the point that my mother called the school, and had my desk moved away from his.
In high school we never had a single class together and were in different academic streams. But in grade 11, he tried to make himself useful to the drama club, the rest of the stage crew holding a meeting on how to politely kick him for his incompetence and arrogance. I defended him. Sure, he’s was a bit of an ass, but he was obviously trying to be useful; we should try and create tasks for him. But the senior stage manager decided to ask him to leave. I wasn't there, and we never spoke of it.
I haven’t responded to him. I didn’t know what to say. Maybe he is confusing me with someone else as well. It doesn’t seem worth it to argue with him and tell him he has a whole bunch of it dead wrong. Maybe I should message him and say like "I’m sorry you had a tough..." What do you think? (link)
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In response to feedback:
I deeply apologize if you felt I was saying you weren't going to respond to the person. I was mainly referencing other advice given because I truly didn't want you to take it and not reply to the guy. I did not mean to accuse you of not wanting to do such a thing or that you hadn't been bullied yourself.
When I reference not knowing how it feels to be bullied it's just that...some people think "being bullied" means one kid picked on them for a week. To me, being bullied is more than than that, as I suffered for majority of my, well, life being the kid everyone chose to "pick" on. Not a lot of people can relate to this feeling is all.
So, what about something in response like this:
Hi, [name]:
Thank you so much for writing to me and giving me the opportunity to address your concerns. I find it very courageous of you to finally be able to find the words to stand up to your childhood bullies. I've gone through the list of harmful things you remember and I believe you may have mistaken me for someone else. While I don't recall many of the things you're outlining, the main thing that makes me think you're referencing someone is is that my hair color was never [color], as I've always been a [blonde/brunette/redhead]. In addition to this, I also suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks, making it very difficult for me to speak outloud in front of a group of my peers at the time; however, I do recall seeing you around, but we didn't share many classes together at all and, unfortunately, I never got the chance to know you well.
That being said, if I ever did say something that wasn't okay, I want you to know I didn't mean it and that I'm very sorry for any hurt feelings that occurred. I honestly didn't intend to hurt you.
In high school I think everyone is pretty immature and relatively self-centered. A lot of people do things that they later regret. I know I've done things that I'm not proud of and I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what you had to go through during those times. I know it wasn't easy, and I've had my share of hurt feelings from people back in those days, too.
Please know that if you ever want to talk about things from high school that I'm open to it. I'm also open to helping you find the person you may be referencing in your letter because I truly feel that many of the incidences you have outlined are intended for another person. I know we didn't have the opportunity to get to know each other in school, but I'm certainly open to developing a mature, adult friendship with you now if you'd like.
Please take care of yourself,
[name]
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Not answering him is a horrible, horrible thing to do. If you weren't bullied as a child then you have absolutely no idea how it feels to be ignored when you FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY find the words to say, "Hey, that really hurt."
Respond. Seriously. Respond to him.
Don't be defensive and call him a liar or anything. But explain the situation just like you did with us here. Explain that you think he may be getting you mixed up with someone else because you, yourself, suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks, making it difficult to speak outloud in front of a group of your peers at the time. Explain that you're sorry that someone treated him that way and that you absolutely know how it feels. You may even go as far as to say you recall seeing him around school before but since you two didn't have courses together you never really got the chance to know him, and that you would have really liked to have.
If I were you, I'd probably even apologize just in case something you said at one time was hurtful. We all say hurtful things to other people some time and we may not ever even realize it (or remember it). I'm not saying you did the things he said you did--but it's possible you did say something that felt offensive at the time and he has gotten the entire situation mixed up.
"If I ever did say something that wasn't okay, I want you to know I didn't mean it and that I'm very sorry for any hurt feelings that occurred. I honestly didn't intend to hurt you."
I was bullied from kindergarten until late 10th grade/early 11th grade. I was alone in the bullying. I had no friends. I had nobody to rely on or have stick up for me. I was always the 'target' of the bullies.
While I remember most every person's name that tormented me in school, I'm sure things would get confusing if I ever decided to find each and every one of them and ask for some sort of apology. Being bullied is really, really hard for some people to get over. It scars them, if you get what I'm saying. Traumatic things can cause people to become confused and get mixed up. It's extremely possible he is just getting people mixed up at this point.
But image this:
You're bullied for years. You feel like an outcast, lonely, and like nobody on the planet will EVER like you. You struggle for years and, finally, you make it through those tough times.
You then decide that it's time you spoke up and let the people, who are now matured, know that what they did and said was very hurtful. You just want recognition that you're human. That they didn't mean it. That they were just being stupid teenagers.
You gather up that bout of courage. You write it out. You send personalized letters to the people who hurt you.
And then...they don't answer.
You'd feel like they had moved on. That all of the hurtful things you experienced...that they can't even recall them. That you are so beneath them that you don't deserve a response. That those incidents were so worthless and so "nothing" to them that they won't even give you to courtesy to say, "Hey...sorry about that. I was just a stupid teen."
It does not help the situation.
The guy needs a reply. Any reply. A reply that says the truth. A reply that addresses his feelings for once. A reply that acknowledges him as a worthy human being.
Like I said, if you weren't bullied like some people, you won't know how it feels. You can't understand what it's like to feel the lowest of low. And you would never be able to relate to finally gathering enough courage up to ask for a simple apology from the bullies.
He isn't writing you so that you won't reply. He isn't writing you so that you ignore the situation. He is writing you in hopes that you will just say you're sorry and that you did not mean to hurt his feelings. He wants the situation to be addressed. He wants to be recognized.
You don't have to get into a debate. You don't want to argue. You don't have to write letters back a forth. One fairly nice, mature, response letter back is fine so that he knows that somebody out there did get the message and that somebody out there did take the time to reply and address his concerns.
And, please, please, please don't write back and just say, "That wasn't me at all. Wrong person." I couldn't image how frustrating that sort of situation would be.
He isn't disturbed for wanting an apology back or wanting the ability to address the situation, even years after the incident(s). He's a human being with feelings. Those feelings were hurt very badly during a very sensitive time in his life.
If I had the courage to address my past bullies I would. Unfortunately, I'm too afraid that they would not address the situation at all or would write back with a, "Not me," reply. That would make me feel like a terrible human being and would be beyond frustrating.
You have to remember, some people are just more emotionally sensitive than others. Some people commit suicide now because they are bullied. Ignoring someone when they open up is one of the worst things you can do.
Be kind, be considerate, and try to understand the situation from his point of view. He may not recall the things as clearly as he should, but he is tying you to some pretty bad emotional times. Let him know that it's okay and if if you actually did say something hurtful that you didn't mean it to be that way.
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Rating: 5
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I AM trying to respond to him, but everything he outlined and the message he sent, honestly frightened me a little. It was very vicious and really cruel accusations of things I couldn’t have done. (I’ve checked yearbooks, he’s accuses me of in charge of clubs during events when I was a junior. Mentions having a hair colour I never had). I'm trying to sympathize with him and I'm happy to apologize for calling him names, but that’s the most I did (and it happened during the time when he liked to flush my belongings down the toilet and tell me my name was a dog’s name and went around barking and throwing dog treats at me... So it's not as though he was angelic in the way he treated me.) I didn't say I wasn't bullied. I was - and this very guy was responsible for some of it - albeit not the worst of it. I do sympathize and want to acknowledge him, but his message was just so accusatory and so completely wrong I'm not sure how to start.
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