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Q:

Hello Roya,

I am messaging you personally, because you were very helpful to me before. You probably don't remember, but I am the 27 year old student who is in love with a much younger man.

In short, my feelings have not gone away. I want them to go away,very badly. Yet at the same time, I don't, because this love is defining me right now. I am unhappy because I feel fat, old and ugly. I am absolutely terrified of latching on to this poor boy (who has a girlfriend) and making a complete fool of myself. The odd thing is that I am not at all jealous of his relationship. His girlfriend is applying for a transfer to our university. The sooner she gets it, the better, as far as I am concerned. If she is here, then my whole relationship with him will change. I feel that I have found somebody who understands me, who I feel completely at ease with. This is a scary feeling for me, because of various instances in the past of people abusing my trust. I am confused, and upset. I am sorry for venting.

I do remember you, and hope that everything is going well for you.

I feel like to an extent (though I might be wrong), you might be trying to convince yourself that you do not want anything to develop between the two of you. Maybe you're afraid of getting hurt, or do not want to get worked up, since he has a girlfriend already. Unfortunately, we can't always (or maybe never) control how we feel.

Also, I know it may be a pattern for you, as it is with a lot of girls/women, but try to ask yourself why you feel fat, old and ugly. First, 27 is not old. Second, people define what it is to be "beautiful" in very narrow, shallow terms. You sound like a wonderful person, and though my telling you this will not make your thoughts about yourself disappear overnight, I do hope it allows you to reflect, and make positive changes for yourself overtime.

Our insecurities often seep through, when we are communicating with people. If you feel ugly and old, you might portray yourself as somewhat insecure, or put on a facade of confidence- I do feel that you should work on trying to feel better about yourself. Yoga is a good place to start. Or do something that makes you feel good- a hobby of some sort, or really, anything that makes you feel YOU.

As for your friendship with this guy, keep it going. As you said, you do feel completely at ease with him- you are yourself around him, and he makes you feel good about yourself-- these things are very important in any healthy friendship or relationship. I have a feeling that you want things to go further with him- at this point, since he has a girlfriend, I am sure you already know that timing is not on your side. Still maintain your friendship with him- you never know what (if anything) the future has in store for you. But one thing is for sure, you already have a strong friendship and bond with him, and that is beautiful in itself.

Do not allow his girlfriend to get in the way of your friendship with him. She does not have him all to herself, and frankly, if she is the type to get jealous of any women (friends) he allows into his life, then...well, that's her problem, and you should not allow it to get in the way of your friendship with him.

I really hope that all this is of some help to you. Take care of yourself :)

Rating: 5

Hi, I am so sorry that I took so long to reply to this response! You were very kind and wise. I didn't respond, because the upshot was kind of painful. He is now engaged to his girlfriend. I am very happy for them, but sad for myself. I am on the waitlist for counselling: that was a good suggestion of yours. Thank you again!

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I am here to give honest advice, when I feel I have something to contribute. I try to be as empathetic and understanding as I can, as I know that the way something is said is as important as the message itself.

I usually advise on love/relationships, friendship and family issues, nutrition, and health (mental and physical). If I feel I can help out, there's not a whole lot I am unwilling to answer. Ask away!