"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone." - Audrey Hepburn
I came to this site for advice about a man and love. That very question turned my entire world around and I have had my eyes opened to things I never noticed before.
I've stayed here so that I can share the knowledge I do have. I know I'm not changing the world but I do hope that I spark others to open their eyes.
"The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself." - Oscar Wilde
So, if you learn something from what I say then repeat it to someone else who can use it.
I hope that if you see an answer of mine that you enjoy it will inspire you to go out of your way to give good, solid information. Provide links for further information, detail your responses, encourage people to seek out professionals when it's needed, and stop sugar-coating responses and just say the truth.
I hope that even if you absolutely hate my answer that it'll kick start your brain. Hopefully you'll begin taking your time to respond instead of hurried answers that are useless to an already confused person.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost
Gender: Female
Location: WV / KY / ND
Occupation: Technical Account Management
Age: 24
Member Since: October 12, 2007
Answers: 1511
Last Update: August 15, 2011
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I did a horrible thing, when I was 19 or 20; I let my ex-husband talk me into sleeping with another man, to spice up our love life. It was one-sided - he just wanted the "power" of "sharing" me. I was just a young and confused kid.
That was 17 years ago. I know now that my ex abused me sexually and mentally all that time. We divorced 5 years ago. I finally got away from him...
The problem is with the man I let him talk be into being with. I began an affair with him; it lasted more than ten years. He was married; I was married. We fell in love. But he was twenty years older than me, and I had young children.
The affair ended soon after the marraige. He ended up telling his wife about it; because we had started to do drugs, and formed an association - after a while we did them every time we were together, but we only did them when we were together. The lines became blurred - we didn't know if we were getting together to see each other or to do the drugs. We knew we loved each other before the drugs - but after we brought that into it, it became a destructive relationship. Where before, it had been an absolute secret, and was an escape - for both of us- him from a sexually dysfunctional and negligent wife, and I from a sexually abusive narcissist husband. I'm not saying it was right - just that it was positive for us at that time in our lives. The drugs killed all of that.
He told his wife about me because he needed help getting away from the drugs, and he knew that to do that he had to get away from me. The association was there and once it was there, it couldn't be erased.
I knew this too, and knew we had to get away from each other to stay off the drugs. The difference is that I divorced my husband. Without him, my "lover", I guess you'd call him, to tend the wounds, I could no longer live with the sexual deviancy my ex-husband forced on me.
Now it's been six years since that all happened. I'm remarried to a man who treats me like a queen - and I love him dearly. My ex is completely out of the picture - and I haven't talked to my "lover" either. I know from other sources he's off the drugs, and so am I.
I'm very VERY happy with my husband. He's my best friend, I love him, he treats me right, and he loves me.
Why do I still miss my lover? So so much that I can't describe it. I'll see something or I'll hear something, and the memories will come back - weekends we spent together, things we did, the absolutely perfect sexual compatibility and comradarie we had. It comes back to me and I just feel like I'll dissolve into misery at the thought I'll never see him again. I *know* we can never be together again - once the drug association was made, we couldn't get away from it. He loves his wife - I love my husband. He's twenty years older than me!! I don't understand why - six years later - I'm still crying over losing this guy on a pretty regular basis. He always treated me with respect - even at the end, he did everything he could not to hurt me. We parted on good terms. I think that actually makes it harder.
I don't think there's an answer out there for this one. But maybe someone can help. (link)
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He was your "out" of reality. He was your temporary escape. He was the white to your black situation.
It's the same reason why people fall in "love" with their therapists. They see an escape from the cold, cruel reality they face in a warm, friendly face that treats them well when it feels like nobody else does. A warm, friendly face says, "Hi. Can we talk about you for a change?" after spending the past week being belittled, beaten, and abused by their partner. It just seems so much nicer then.
The feeling should eventually pass once you realize that it honestly, truly was not the person you were in "love" with during those hard times. It was the passion, the escape, and the warmth. It had nothing to do with him, in particular, other than that he was not abusive (or, at least, not abusive in the same manner as your spouse).
When you're in a situation where you are, for example, beaten regularly by a person who you are suppose to trust and who is suppose to take care of you then the kind people you meet each day seem just a tad more kinder than they would have if you never had to deal with a bad home life. You may really enjoy your job then because you get to interact with these "extremely nice" people. Years later, once the beatings have ended and you move past that job, you may recall fond memories of simple things like sitting and having lunch with a coworker. You may miss the job, even if you disliked the actual work involved in it. Heck, you may even realize that the only reason you stayed at the particular position was because it was your daily escape from the reality of home.
It's the same as the dog that gets tortured by it's owner but is thrilled to see the neighbor, who gives him loving pets when they cross paths. The dog may end up sitting at the neighbor's fence, whimpering for more affection. It's the dog's escape. That person is particularly "nice" because the dog can only compare those actions to the ones it gets on a regular basis by another human being.
It seemed so great because the other side of your world is something that was cold and cruel.
I know it sounds very harsh to say, but anyone could have taken the spot of your former lover and you would have sought them out years later because of positive memories that resulted. Things just seemed great with that person because it allowed you to be with someone who did not abuse you. Some people even get into a situation where they are, for example, mentally abused by their spouse but continue to run to their lover, who is physically abusive. It's just that the other person doesn't hurt them the same way and, for just a moment, there is a complete relief of that sort of pain.
Seek a good therapist. With everything you have gone through, you should be talking with someone on a regular basis about your feelings and your history.
Don't let it cross your mind to connect with your former lover. There will always be that "savior" bond if you never get to come to grips with the fact that it had nothing to do with him being a good guy. Connecting with him, even through online means, can cause a lot of difficulties that you don't want to have to go through.
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Rating: 5
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You're right. I know it in my heart, at least in part of my heart. I love my husband, and I would not love a guy who cheated as a matter of course... thank you, you've actually done what I thought no one could - you've helped me. :)
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