"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone." - Audrey Hepburn
I came to this site for advice about a man and love. That very question turned my entire world around and I have had my eyes opened to things I never noticed before.
I've stayed here so that I can share the knowledge I do have. I know I'm not changing the world but I do hope that I spark others to open their eyes.
"The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself." - Oscar Wilde
So, if you learn something from what I say then repeat it to someone else who can use it.
I hope that if you see an answer of mine that you enjoy it will inspire you to go out of your way to give good, solid information. Provide links for further information, detail your responses, encourage people to seek out professionals when it's needed, and stop sugar-coating responses and just say the truth.
I hope that even if you absolutely hate my answer that it'll kick start your brain. Hopefully you'll begin taking your time to respond instead of hurried answers that are useless to an already confused person.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost
Gender: Female
Location: WV / KY / ND
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Age: 24
Member Since: October 12, 2007
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Last Update: August 15, 2011
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20 female..
How do you get over a regret? I made a dumb decision ..I lost my virginity to this guy I thought I liked but then we kind of stopped talking and now he has a girlfriend which just really hit me hard. I didn't regret having sex with him until now ..maybe it's because he got a girlfriend ..I don't know. I've never regretted anything in my life until this. Do I just try to move on from the past? (link)
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You learn your lesson and know that you will grow as a stronger person.
The first step in this entire thing is realizing that YOU made a dumb decision. Nobody forced you. Nobody conned you. This was entirely your mistake.
Then you can begin to figure out where your thoughts went wrong. You can find out why you did what you did. You can evaluate the situation.
This could be ANYTHING from the guy looking good to him being your best friend growing up. Pinpoint the reason(s) why you did what you did.
And learn from them.
Just because he's attractive doesn't mean he's a good person.
And just because you may have grown up together doesn't mean he's the same kind kid he was back then.
Then sit down and write out what you want in a partner. Do you want someone kind? Caring? Passionate? Friendly? Outgoing? Shy? Timid? Animal rights activist? Smart? Goal oriented? Tall? Short? Muscled? Heavy? Honest? Polite? Faithful? Religious?
And figure out how this guy does NOT fit what you want. Write it down if you have to. You can see, "Oh, yeah, he did this and this. That isn't very [want] and so he isn't the type of man I want to be with."
Then you can prepare yourself for the next guy to entire your life. You will have a list handy of how to evaluate him. You can choose then to figure out who he is in relation to what you desire before you leap forward and have sex, making you physically and emotionally vulnerable.
And know that everyone, everywhere makes mistakes. Some of us do really dumb things. Some of us never learn. Some of us learn the first time around.
If you think of it, Advicenators is here for this reason. You can come here and say:
This guy. I am thinking of having sex with him. We've been seeing each other for 3 months. I knew him since I was a kid. Things are a little odd though. I think he might, just maybe, be seeing someone else. What do you think? I should do?
And we can say, "Look, you obvious have signs that you're unsure about this entire situation. You have to think these things out thoroughly before going forward. Just because you knew this guy in the past doesn't mean he's the same person. 3 months is nothing and if you haven't been dating him then it's probably rushing into things since he cannot even respect you enough to give you the title of girlfriend."
And you can choose to listen wisely or ignore it and wind up hurt.
There are so, so, so many ways you can stop doing this to yourself. The truth is, a lot of girls wind up in this situation. They have sex with a guy and then regret doing it. What they do not understand is that they have to recognize exactly what happened or they're going to be doomed to repeat it.
I have a friend named Kay. Kay is a nice girl. She is a good friend. Kay likes guys though.
Kay has had sex with more guys than she can count. If you ask her, she has no idea how many guys she has had sex with.
One night Kay was talking to me and she said she was tired of being used but didn't know how to stop. She didn't know how to "get" a guy without giving them sex, but now it seems that guys won't even be with her after giving them "what they want" from her.
I said, "Then stop having sex. Tell them no. Tell them you want to wait until you're married. If they're a keeper then they won't mind. Seriously. Just say you aren't into that sort of thing. If they know about your past you say you know you made mistakes and you aren't that person. It doesn't matter if you REALLY want to wait until you're married--they just have to think that. Then you can choose the right time for you in the relationship when things are right."
For the next while Kay didn't have sex with guys. She met guys who were stilled interested in her--even though she said she didn't want to have sex. She did good for a long time, about 6 months, which is the longest she had ever gone without having sex since she lost her virginity.
For note, Kay was 19 years old.
So, what happened?
She just broke. Her magical shining knight never showed up and she went back to her old habits--letting herself be used time and time again.
The truth is, she was just broken. Sex was what she knew. She knew guys liked it and for that moment she believed the guy liked her. She didn't "get" it. The guy had no interest in her. She thought her knight in shining armor would have come right away once she changed her life. Life doesn't work like that.
And she is doomed to continue repeating those mistakes because she doesn't understand. She doesn't learn from her passed. She doesn't get what to do. All she knows is that guys like sex. She doesn't understand that the reasons why she's so depressed and lonely is because she allows herself to be used. She screams, "USE ME!" to these guys, pretty much. She doesn't get why they use her even though it's obvious to the outside world.
And that is how girls mess up.
You have to learn and grow. You can't just change your ways today and expect everything to be all better tomorrow. It's an ongoing effort that you have to keep up.
You have to look over a guy, inside and out, and figure out if he's what you want.
What is dating though, right?
Dating is to figure out who is right for you to spend your life with. People don't get this.
You date someone to figure out what you like and don't like in a partner. Then you can make decisions to move on from his person or move forward with this person.
Why date someone who doesn't fit you?
Why engage in sex with someone who isn't someone you'd date or want to be something with?
And I hope I've made you see some things you didn't see before. The pain isn't going to magically go away. It's a learning pain. It's a regret pain. It's a mistake pain.
It'll pass though and if you're smart you'll learn.
If not, you're going to be like Kay. You'll be doomed to be used and thrown away like trash. You're going to have ongoing emotional pain that you won't be able to pinpoint any more.
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