SilentOne's advice column

I'm an 29 year old guy.
I'll always do my best to give well considered and sincere advice - give me your best shot. P.S. Don't be afraid to ask me private questions, I rarely spend a lot of time answering non-private questions.

o.o There is apparently a FORUM for me if you would like to talk about random non-advice stuff. Take off your shoes!

advice

my very best friend has terrible taste in guys. mine isnt much better but at least i dont give second chances to men who hurt me. well she was starting to go for this jerk who none of our friends + me liked but i decided to be nice and supportive. she was going for him no matter what like always. she doesnt listen to her friends at all. so i didnt think the relationship would last long, but it has! he doesnt talk to her much though. i think hes a user. ive told her a couple times i didnt like him and she was really hurt by it so im trying to be supportive but i dont see things going well. hes a womanizer and ive known him way longer than she has. never liked him. well last night after i think 5 months now she lost her viginity to him. im not sure how to react, any advice?

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, I was flying back home from Japan, and then uni started, so I got a bit busy.

In terms of forgiving; Hurting someone in a relationship isn't what should not be forgiven. It is how that person got hurt, i.e. disloyalty, unfaithfulness, backstabbing, etc. Sincere mistakes can be made, so you shouldn't resign not to give second chances. Strike one tells you what they are capable of, and it's difficult to put your trust in them again, but just because someone hurt you, it doesn't always meant they meant to, or will ever do it again. People who hurt you have to realise they've done something wrong, and if they do it again, you will deprive them of yourself forever. But I can't help thinking one strike is a little harsh.

Now to your real question:
Your friend lost her virginity to a guy, willingly.
How did you find out about this? Did she tell you? Did it leak out from his side? Does she know you know? What expressions have been on her face when he's been brought up lately?
Ultimately decisions are up to her to make. Virginity is only worth what value you place on it. Perhaps more if she is Christian.

If you try to make decisions for her about things and people she cares about, then you will be out of the friend business, and bankrupt. As you said, you have told her before that you didn't like him, and she has been really hurt by it. BUT, I think you can help her see things straight, or maybe she can help you see things straight, if not everything is what it seems.
You need to get her alone, and let her know that you want to talk to her seriously about it. If you're best friends, she should at least grant you that.
When you tell her you don't like him, she is hurt by your disapproval. You need to find a way of understanding her relationship, and helping her to make sure that she is not being manipulated, or blinded by love. The best way to do that is not to put her boyfriend down, but find out about him, from her.
Contents of the talk:
You need to understand why she likes him.
What does she see in him, what are his strong points?
Don't let her be vague about this, because it's important.
If she says things like "the way he makes me feel", then ask her how he makes her feel, and make her give you examples. Make sure that you let her know there is a reason for all of this, and you don't just want to know intimate details about her relationship for fun.
Before you can have the talk, you need to understand, and summarise:
Why you distrust the guy
What you think his bad points are
Why you care about the relationship between two other people. (firstly, you don't want to see your friend get hurt)
You should be willing to re-evaluate your perceptions of the boyfriend during the talk. It could be he's not as much of a jerk as you think.

Your friend needs to know that your motives for the talk are in her best interest, that you love her as a friend, and respect her independence in whatever decisions she makes. You also need to be prepared to let things happen between them, if they start to break. Interfering with relationships when they are turning bad is dangerous, and you don't want to be blamed. In any case if she gets hurt, be there to break her fall, not there to scold her for making a mistake. We all get hurt sometimes. For the common person failure comes so many times before success.

Good luck with your friend,
hope things go well for her, and between you two.
-K

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(Rating: 5) thank you very much.

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