I'm 18 and I really need advice. I've been home schooled since the 5th grade because I've been dancing and singing my whole life and I couldn't stay in public school. Well, I've only had 2 boyfriends my whole life, and I've dated but I never did anything with any of them except for the 2. I only kissed the first and I was with him for 3 months, he broke up with me ON our anniversary because he was cheating on me. Then the second one I was with for a little over 8 months and I slept with him. Well, aftet he broke up with me he lead me on for a REALLY long time, like a year and a half and he treated me really badly but I didn't know how bad he really was. It's been 2 years since the guy of 8 months and I have been officially together and it's been a year since we've talked. Well, I found out that he is still talking a lot of crap about me to people and I'm still finding out that he cheated on me a lot more then I knew about. Since that guy I've meet other guys, but every single one of them (and I'm not over exaggerating) has NEVER wanted to be my boyfriend. They ALL have only wanted to sleep with me, and because I don't ever want to make that mistake again, I haven't so all the guys just stop talking to me, they say it's because they are busy, but there have been about 6 since my ex and they all started ignoring me after I told them I'm not going to sleep with them and I either want a friendship or a real relationship.... Now, I have a really good life, I have a job I love, a compete in dance, I'm an A student in college, good friends, and good family. And it seems like the only thing I've never had/met, is a good guy. I'm sorry for making this so long but I feel like I needed to explain. Has anyone else my age/older ever been in my shoes? I know I'm still young but, I feel like I'm never going to find someone. I long to have someone I can hug and hold and call my boyfriend. Someone that for once won't cheat on me and won't call me names and go behind my back. I'm just starting to lose faith that I will ever find a guy to treat me right, or a guy that will love me or like me for me, and not to get in my pants. I'm not that kind of girl at all. I don't party, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't dress in "I'm a slut all I want is sex" type of clothes. So, what's wrong with me? Why am I only attracting these types of guys? Am I ever going to find someone? I know that being in a relationship isn't the most important thing in life. But it's hard being alone and never knowing what a good relationship is like at my age. It kills me to see EVERY friend I have in what seem like perfect relationships. ALSO I'm not trying to be cocky, that's not how I mean it but I am not an ugly girl either, I've got a decent face and I've been dancing since I was 3. And I train for at least 8 hours every other day at least, so I'm not like big or something if that's what anyone thinks is the reason. I mean I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world but, I've seen people less attractive with great boyfriends. And I'm not shallow or picky either.... I just need help!!!!
Don't sweat it. Everything is going to be okay.
I was homeschooled too. Since the 7th grade and through-out highschool. I graduated when I was 16, went to college when I was 17... When I was homeschooled, I barely left my house... Forget about friends and boyfriends. Once I was in college, I thought it would get better... But I attended a technical institute so most of the student body was older, many of my fellow students were married and all ready had children. I was sooo freakin' lonely.
I didn't go out on my first date until I was eighteen. My first date was with a childhood friend that was all ready gay but hadn't come out of the closet yet. We had a great time together, we eventually became very close friends and have even lived together in the past. But I still had yet to have my first kiss almost a year later...
First, there was a guy that we will call Phil. I lost my virginity to Phil, and we dated on off for about two years. Our relationship was very turbulent... Phil was an alcholic... Ug. And that's all I'm going to say about that... I didn't really start dating until I was twenty-one.
And wow... The dating scene sucked for me. Most of the guys that I met just wanted to get in my pants... Though there were a few nice guys along the way. The problem with the nice guys is that often we weren't compatible on a deeper level. We didn't believe in the same things, we didn't enjoy the same hobbies, we didn't have the same goals, we didn't want the same things... It seems like the only reason me and the nice guys were ever together was because we both... Erm... Nice.
Eventually, I began looking at all my failed relationships and asking myself, 'What went wrong?' And when you start to look at things closely... You realize that it's not because all guys are jerks. Most of the guys that act like jerks aren't ready for real relationships, and you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that isn't ready anyway. As for the nice guys... It's simply not enough for a guy just to be nice to you. There has to be attraction, there has to be a common ground, you have to be compatible for things to really work.
And... Just like it wasn't them, it wasn't me either. Sure... I'm not a supermodel. I'm not a genius. I'm not mother Teresa. I can't sing and I can't dance. But I'm still beautiful, I'm still intelligent, I'm still a good person, and I'm still special. So are you. So if you aren't in a relationship, it's not because there is anything wrong with you... It's because you're going about this whole dating thing the wrong way. Don't feel bad. We're all guilty of doing the same thing.
The first thing to do is to take a good, long look at yourself and figure out who you are and want you want. For example, in what ways will you and your future partner need to be similiar in order for the relationship to work? What qualities must he have? What qualities can you do with out? What do you consider unacceptable? How do you expect to be treated in the relationship? What are your goals for the relationship?
The second thing... Date around. And when I say date, I don't mean date with the intention of finding a partner. Date with the intention of meeting of new people. (Internet dating is a good way to meet a lot of people fast. Just be careful.) When you go out on a date, relax, remember that you aren't here to meet 'the one' and think of it more like an interview. You're trying to find out if the two of you are compatible. Nothing more. If you think you are... Super. If not... Don't get discouraged, just move on.
You're going to meet a lot of people. You're going to fail time after time. That's okay. It's a process of trial and error. Look at what you can learn from the experience... Don't be afraid to change your definition of the 'right guy.' For example, you may meet a guy that you don't want to pursue a relationship with... But he may possess some quality that you realize is vital. This dating process helps you to refine your search, making your chances of a success greater.
For me... The process took about two years. Sometimes it was really hard. I'd feel disappointed, frustrated... Sometimes I'd give myself a break and not date anyone for a while... Just because I was tired of getting my hopes up only to fail.
But eventually I got to the place where I needed to be... You've heard my sob story. Now it's time to hear the success story...
About two years ago, I had just gotten over a long hiatus and decided to start dating again. I had a myspace account, not for dating... Just to keep in contact with my friends that lived out of state. But I knew that a lot of people did use it for dating... So I thought, 'What the heck... Might as well give it a try.' I used the search engine to find all single males that lived within a fifty mile radius.
My search pulled up thousands of profiles. Despite the fact that I felt daunted... I started to skim over the profiles, looking first for someone that I was attracted to... Then reading their profiles. Most of the profiles I read, I though either 'you're not ready for a relationship' or 'we don't sound compatible' or just 'no.' Then finally... I found this one profile...
Not only was I attracted to him... But while reading his profile I thought, 'This sounds like something I would write.' We had a lot of the same hobbies, our attitudes and personalities seemed eerily similiar. I thought to myself that this guy might be someone that I could have a relationship with... I sent him an email to let him know that I existed. While doing so I kept in mind that he may or may not respond... And that either way, it was going to be okay.
His name is Jerry... And he did respond to my email. After about a month of emailing and sending IM's... We had out first date. And, as they say, the rest is history...
Jerry and I have been together for almost two years. We've lived together for the past year and are engaged to be married. My life is not a fairy tale... But I'm happy. Yes, we have encountered obstacles in our relationship. But we managed to work through them. We were able to work through these things because we talk about everything, we're compatible, we spend time together. And while he may not be perfect and I might not be living a fairy tale... I never imagined it would be this easy. Living together was no problem. We've only had two fights in the past two years, and even then... While we were fighting, we both new that we still loved each other and that we weren't going to break up.
If I can do it... So can you. If there is someone for me, then I know that there is someone for you too... It doesn't matter how long it takes you to find him... Stop comparing yourself to other people. It's not easy... But you can do it.
Wow... This is really long. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm going to shut up now...
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Thank you so much, you are so sweet and I'm really glad that you told me your story, and your definitley right, I just don't really know what I want but, I feel like I keep trying and still can't seem to figrue it out... But I think your right about everything. Knowing what I want first would probably make it easier. Thanks so much. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one out there... I hope I can find someone like you did. Thanks so much again!
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