well, this is going to be really long and confusing. so, reader beware, you're in for confusion. here goes:
so, my boyfriend and i have problems like every other couple in this world. but these problems arent about cheating or not calling or ignorance or neglect. these problems are all caused by me. to him, i dont share enough of my thoughts. and thats simply because i dont want to run him off. but thats all over with, because i did.
we were talking on aim earlier and it was getting pretty heated. i told him i didnt mean to hurt him, but i knew i was. i asked him why he was so upset, and he said it was because i dont trust him. but i do! i trust him with my whole heart, but like i said. there are just some things that even he couldnt help with. he said that im giving up my whole life because i bury myself in my head to escape from the outside world. which is sort of what i do? but thats just the jist of it. sometimes, i just escape into thought and dont feel like telling anyone whats really wrong. is that so wrong? apparently to him, it is. and when i said that the outside world doesnt need someone like me, because i simply dont care about people i dont know(i know thats terrible, but thats just my inner feeling). i dont care about the environment(i know thats bad, too. but again. inner feeling), because its going to die, anyways. it was meant to. and when it does, everyone will just start all over. a new beginning. the beginning of the end. all of it. all of this "save the world" nonsense is just putting it off until later, but i honestly dont do anything to help the environment. i also dont care about my health. i smoke and drink when im depressed and i cut and he knows that. well after i told him about all that he called me a sociopath and said i dont care about anyone but myself, which is totally untrue. i care about my sisters and him. and the very few friends that i have. and i dont care about myself at all. God knows how im going to die, and he'll let time do its pleasure and make me die of old age, or make me die of smoking, or whatever. i cant stop what was meant to happen. i dont even know what a sociopath is, but it sounds like a mental illness term or something.
anyways...
we continued on this for a long time, and finally i guess he got fed up. i asked him what i could do to help, because i wanted to. and then he said that i didnt care and that he wasnt the one who needed the help. and then he signed off.
well, after that i just lost everything. my grip on reality. my sanity. all that? its down the drain. hes gone, so now my whole life is gone. i know that pathetic, but i love him. i truly love him and i always will. he was the only one in this whole world that i really, truly loved. this happened at about 3 AM. its not 5 AM and i havent gotten a wink of sleep. i cant sleep. i cant eat. all i can do is think, but barely. i have too many things on my mind right now, and its hard to focus on one little thing at a time.
but thats whats going on on the inside. in the physical world, i apparently ran to my friend's house and knocked on her window. she came outside and me, her, and her friend talked for about 30 minutes while i smoked two of her dad's cigarettes. (considering, im saving mine for when i need them) and while all this is going on, i had an anxiety/panic attack and couldnt stop shaking. its still hard to type right now, considering im still shaking. after i came home, i walked around for a while and ate a banana. now, there is nothing left to do and i cant sleep. i dont know what to do with myself. im scared of getting back on aim, and im scared to even go check my phone to see if he had called or left a message, because i know he didnt. i dont know what im really asking for, here, because i didnt even realize i was typing this until a few seconds ago, but any help or advice would be much appreciated. thanks for reading.
Okay... I have a lot of things that I want to say... And it's going to be kind of disorganized and probably long. Bare with me, here. I apologize.
You're not alone. I can tell by what you write and the behavior that you've described that you don't think much of yourself. Not uncommon. And I can tell you're a person that values their privacy and that you live in an inner world. Not uncommon either. And, honestly, all of these things are more normal than your think they are and...okay, actually.
Well, except for the cutting thing. Sorry, I don't mean to offend you. I'm just saying that really concerns me even though I don't know you... And point blank: stop it. Yeah, smoking's dangerous too... But you could nick a major vein and do some serious damage one day. I don't think you really want that, otherwise you wouldn't be reaching out for help.
I can also tell that someone, or several people, have really hurt you in the past. And that would probably be a lot easier to deal with if they apologized for what they did. But they didn't, did they?
It could be that I'm going in the wrong direction with this... Or it could be that I've hit the nail on the head. If I'm going in the wrong direction then please disregard everything that I am saying and turn to the one group of people that I know can help you...doctors. Actually, whether I've hit the nail or just smashed my thumb, call a doctor anyway. Do it. Do it now! (Can you feel me trying to psychically influence you? No? Crap! Ahem... Sorry.)
Anyway, if I am hitting the nail on the head... Keep reading. You may wonder how I guess and hit so close to home. The truth...
I was once just like you. In many ways, I still am.
If you live in your head... It's because you're an escapist. Being an escapist has it's advantages and disadvantages. And it's also reffered to as a coping mechanism. You escape into your head to get the heck away from reality when it becomes unbearable. There are people who will critize you for this, but what it all boils down to is... Everybody has some sort of coping mechanism. Yes, some are healthier than others. But we're all different, so we deal with the crappy side of life differently... If we didn't have coping mechanisms we'd go crazy. And when I say crazy I'm being literal.
And, as someone who has this coping mechanism and had to learn to live in the real world... I'll tell you that shaking your escapist tendencies are difficult, no matter who your boyfriend is or whether or not he's the greatest guy living on the face of the planet. What HE needs to realize is that all this had very little to do with him and everything to do with you. HE needs to stop creating drama for you (because that's what he's doing) and learn to be patient. If you're going to open up it's going to a process and it's going to take time. One step foward, two steps back. The boy needs to learn to keep pace with you no matter how fast he wants to run.
As for the whole, 'I'm a bad person because I don't care about the environment or people that I don't know,' I disagree. The truth is, you're no worse than anyone else living but you're probably a lot more honest. (That's a good thing!) Why do I say this? Because if everyone, excluding you of course, cared about people they didn't know... There wouldn't be war, sickness, hunger, or suffering in the world. If everyone cared about the environment, our planet wouldn't be falling apart. And if you can accept that the world will one day end and that will just be the beginning of something new... Then you're not morbid, your just being realistic and mature enough to accept that humanity isn't all that important in the grand scheme of the universe. I'm not saying you shouldn't care or that it would be foolish to. I'm just saying that you're no worse than everyone else. The only real difference is that most people are better at pretending that they care than you are.
I'm sure this rant seems pretty morbid. I'm telling you how much the world and people in general really suck. But... WAIT! There's more...
While the world is a beautiful, ugly place and humans are simultaneously both good and evil... You'd be surprised how easy it is to turn things around. For example, you're a stranger and I shouldn't care about you. But see... I read what you wrote, and I related to what you said... And suddendly, even though I don't know you and probably never will... Now I'm trying to reach out to you and tell you that everything's going to be okay. That you're not alone... Why? Because now I care. I know you probably don't care about me, and I'm okay with that. Because when you care, it's not selfish, and it doesn't have to be reciprocated.
So... If you're not sick to death of me... Keep reading.
I used to be depressed. Once I built a wall around my heart to keep people out. And let me tell you... That was one big wall! Think of it like the emotional Great Wall of China. No one could get over or around that sucker.
What changed?
It wasn't exactly one thing or another. And it didn't all happen over night. It was a process. First, I had to acknowledge that people had really hurt me and I hadn't come close to getting over it. I had to admit that I was afraid of the world. I had to look in the mirror and realize that I just didn't like myself.
Then... I ultimately had to realize that, while the world and people can hurt you, break your heart, make you wish to die... If I was unhappy, there was only one person to blame.
Me.
I think that was the hardest part. Taking responsibility for my own happiness. But while it was hard, it was also very liberating. I was finally behind the wheel of my own destiny. Mind you, I was lost and only traveling at about five miles per hour... But at least I was behind the wheel. You make the journey in baby steps. And while those baby steps seem to take so much effort, yet remain so small... There is still a sense of pride in oneself.
Oh... Random, wise cliche: It's not about how far or even where you go in life, it's about how you get there. Corny, I know. But the reason people still keep saying it is because it's true. Cliche's are funny like that.
Once you're behind the wheel, you're going to discover all sorts of things about yourself and the world. You're going to discover your myriad of flaws... And you're going to discover that you can accept those flaws. Once you accept those flaws, you're going to discover that once you accept them, you begin to understand how they got there and what you can do to heal those scars.
And once you've managed to discover yourself... You'll discover that you were never empty. That the hole you felt in your heart was just a great big lie. You'll discover that you were always complete. That you never needed anything or anyone to survive except for you.
Then you will be free. Free to be happy.
Once your happy, you'll discover the rest of the world. You'll discover that so many people believe the same lie that you once did... That so many people are sad and empty. You'll discover that people do awful things to each other because of the emptiness they've imagined. That all the people that hurt you didn't hurt you because it was about _you_ but because it was about _them_ all along. You'll forgive all those people that hurt you and never asked for forgiveness, never knew they even did anything wrong...
And once you've forgiven... The wall will crumble and you'll discover the many people that were standing, waiting outside that wall-trying to get in all along because they love you.
Then you'll realize... That the world does need someone like you. You, and I, we can't save the whole world, not overnight or in our lifetime... But we can touch lives, even if only in a small way. Because we can share our experiences... We can say, 'You're not alone.' We can tell each other, 'Everything is going to be okay.' And we can make it true...
I don't know if what I've said has touched you or not. If it hasn't, I apologize for wasting your time or anyone else's who has taken the time to read this lengthy rant. I guess what I'm trying to say is... There is a reason to be happy. There is a reason to live. The reason is very simple, so simple that most often we overlook it.
The reason is _you._
Not your boyfriend. Not your family. Not your friends. You. So... I'm sorry that he upset you... And I'm sorry if it doesn't work out. But if it doesn't, it's because he can't help you. And the fact that he can't help you is okay. The only person that can help you _is_ you....
And a doctor, of course. Call one NOW!!
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i cant call a doctor because my parents think im overreacting when i tell them that im depressed. and i think i need their money in order to see a doctor. :\ but thank you.
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