Siren_Cytherea's advice column

askSiren_Cytherea

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: Hello,
My son is 15 and he's always been a ''rebel''.
Me and my husband are relaxed with him, so if he wants piercings, we let him get them...but we defenetly don't let him drink or smoke.
The other day I found out that he had been having sex with his two year girlfriend. It isn't like our family believes in ''no sex before marriage'' but it was kind of shocking to me because I always though that he would wait until he was (at least) 16.
He has been out a lot lately and yesterday he came home with an eyebrow piercing. I am not against piercings at all, in fact, I love them, but he didn't even tell me that he was going to get one.

It seems to me that he's not communicating with us anymore, and he sent me a text this morning, asking whether he could go get drunk with some friends. Now, I am defenetly against drinking...but I know he will do it anyway, even if I say no!
He smokes ''socially'' as he told me, I don't approve but I cannot do anything about it. He's always been a popular boy, but I want to know how I can make him talk to us more, trust us and also, not get drunk whenever he goes out!
What do you think I should be doing?
What are some punishments I could use?
And just advice how I could feel better?

Thank you.

PS! He gets mostly A's in school, some B's and he doesn't spend his time at home on the computer or playing video games...or watching TV. He spends his free time at home playing guitar, writing songs for his band and so on...so he's not a lousy student.

The best thing you can do for your son is to keep him educated, and TRUST HIM.
I'm 20/f, but when I was fifteen, I could drink all my friends under the table. My parents knew - they never approved either, but they trusted my judgment.
They knew they had raised an intelligent, responsible girl, and that they could trust me not to harm myself.
Let him rebel.
When you tell a child "no, you can't," they want to more. Not to be sexist, but it's true moreso for boys than it is for girls, generally.
Your son sounds like an intelligent person, and a talented one at that. You obviously care about him, and yes, letting go is difficult, but you have to remember he's growing up and (obviously) has to make his own decisions.
You have every right to tell him you wish he would talk to you more, but you have to respect his decision either way. If you respect him, he'll respect you, and thank you for being lenient with him later in life.
As I said, now I'm 20. I've tried pot, I've been drunk, and now I know that I like wine, not hard liquor, and I like hugs, not drugs, and I tell my mother everything - because she taught me from a very young age that she was open to hearing anything, that she would listen to me, and that she respected me. (Of course, teaching him that he can tell you anything may lead to you hearing some things you don't want to, but that's a risk you should be willing to take.)
So, in summary, love, trust, and respect make up any great relationship, including familial.
I hope your son chooses to be more open with you, since you seem so concerned about it, but he's a kid - he'll learn. Maybe the hard way, maybe not, but either way, he'll figure out that he can talk to you, and that will end up being the most important thing.
Good luck!
-Siren =)

Rating: 5

He does know that he can tell me anything he wants to- like when he started smoking, he told me that he did, and I didn't even get mad, it was like him telling me that he's home from school.
But thank you for your advice.

bio

I'm a laid-back 26 year old with a Psychology BA, starting my MA program, and working my way into the field as quickly as I can. It took me an extra Bachelor's degree (in vocal performance and creative writing) to figure it out, but I was put on this Earth to help, to heal, and to love.

I have made the decision to dedicate my life and career to helping others. I am here to do just that.

I've been a member since 2004, and since I signed up, I've gone through quite a lot and learned quite a lot from it. I'm here to give guidance where I had none; no one should have to go through the difficulties I went through alone.

Feel free to visit my website/blog, if you want to read my experience with domestic violence and my thoughts on it.

***While I do tend to answer mental health and other health-related or medicine-related questions, I am by NO MEANS a licensed physician or practitioner of any sort. Any and all advice I give for these questions is from my own experience or studies.***

If you need to get a hold of me quickly, my screen name on AIM is SirenCytherea. Just let me know you found me here.

I'm a strong believer in the idea that there are no stupid questions except the ones left unasked, so, please, keep an open mind, heart, and mouth.

Siren