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I'm an 29 year old guy.I'll always do my best to give well considered and sincere advice - give me your best shot. P.S. Don't be afraid to ask me private questions, I rarely spend a lot of time answering non-private questions.
o.o There is apparently a FORUM for me if you would like to talk about random non-advice stuff. Take off your shoes!
advice
Glad to see that you're back. One day I found your column and I sat here and read the whole thing. You give GREAT advice. I have a question I'll toss your way too. It's a really difficult situation and it's okay if you can't come up with a solid answer. I'm 19/f and I'm a sophmore in college. This time last year I started my first relationship with someone that my parents disapproved of. He's a year older than me and he's a great guy. I'm still with him (we'll be engaged pretty soon I think) and I couldn't be happier...except my family hasn't supported me in anything since I started dating the guy. They decided that they couldn't trust me anymore and that he was changing me. They harassed him and mentally abused me. I went to college 8 hours away from my boyfriend, but when I was home we lived only 30 minutes apart. My parents wouldn't let me see him and kept trying to force me to break up with him. They wouldn't get me a car for my birthday so I wouldn't be able to drive and see him. All my life they had told me that they would support me in anything I did and as long as I did my best that was good enough for them. I got a 3.0 in college and they told me that wasn't good enough. I decided that I didn't like the college situation I was in (people or academic program) and I wanted to transfer to a different college that was half the price and had the perfect program for me. My parents blew a gasket and told me that the reason for this was because I would be closer to my boyfriend. I actually know what I want for my future now and this year I am at the college that I want to be at and am extremely happy here. That didn't come without a price though. The final straw was when they forbid me to work my summer job as a camp counselor. I decided that I needed to get out of my house. I moved in with a friend for a few weeks and then moved in with my boyfriend because of transportation issues. I don't have a car and had no convenient way to get to work other than with him. In my absence my parents began opening my mail, refusing to send it to me, sending me nasty e-mails, throwing guilt trips at me, not supporting me financially, sending other people to talk to me for them, telling different people different things...the list goes on. I haven't seen my parents since I went to get my stuff from the house for college at the end of the summer. Relatives keep contacting me telling me that I need to work things out with my parents and that it's my responsibility to "get the family back together". I don't know what to tell them. I explain everything to them, reasons and all and they just don't seem to get it. Plus, why must I initiate anything? I really want my mail that my parents have been keeping from me. Right now my concern is money. I know that they're still claiming me as a dependant on their taxes and can do so until I'm 21, but they aren't supporting me financially. They don't have to pay for college, but they do have to pay for everyday expenses and they're not. I could declare independency, but then I'd have to pay for my own insurance and everything and I think that would take away all chances of getting money from my parents. I'd rather not get the law involved and I've tried pretty much everything but begging and going home, neither of which I will do. They have money set aside for me, but won't give it to me. The only way to mend what they've done for me is if they start showing that they love/support/etc me instead of just saying it. They're not doing what parents should I don't believe. They've controlled me my entire life and now that I want to make my life my own they will not let me and refuse to support me in any way. Is there anything I should do other than just wait? I am happy, but frustrated and I don't want to get into financial trouble that I don't have to be in down the road. If you want or need to know anything else ask. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated and again...I'm glad you're back.
- 2000 word essay warning, if you don't like to read... don't read it ;) -
Hi,
I never really left as such, just got bogged down and stopped answering public questions. Any private questions turn up in my hotmail straight away, so I know about them. Sorry I didn't get back to yours sooner, but as I said in my last answer I've been away for a while, and got back yesterday evening. (Next day's edit) Then I noticed it was like 1am in the morning when I was half way done writing my reply, and today (7th) mum's been absolutely nailed to the main computer, so I've had to type this up on the laptop instead... it goes on.
Thanks for your praise on my advice, I try my best;
Just as a pre-text, I live in Australia, so sometimes I might not be able to understand American terms (Such as Sophmore - is that first year??)
So down to your problem...
I wasn't quite sure about your wording. Was it your first relationship, or the first one your parents have disapproved of? Actually it doesn't matter quite so much to my answer...
The key point is that your family disapproves of him. To solve the problem, you need to understand it fully. Why does your family dislike your boyfriend? Have they ever given you a real reason for not wanting you to be with him? This is the most important thing for you to find out.
You say that your parents have stopped you seeing him. It should be your own choice. Trying to force you to break up, or stop seeing somebody is not something your parents should be telling you, a 19 year old to do. You also said that your parents have told you all your life that they would support you as long as your did the best you could do. If that's something that they fall back on, or that they would understand then I think you need to use that to bring them around to your point of view. The way it is, they don't seem to be seeing it your way, otherwise things wouldn't be the way they are. This means showing your parents that you really are doing your best.
Maybe they think that your boyfriend is "holding you back". Have they ever met him? I think a lot of their disapproval could be blatant ignorance, and fear of the change in your relationship status. Don't ask me (Well... do ask me 0=). Perhaps after you've had a talk with your parents they might like to meet your boyfriend.
About moving to a different college - Are your parents paying for your education? They should be happy if you were going to a college that cost less, unless they didn't think the education was as good. Again, the problem stems from your family's attitude towards your boyfriend (or so they say), so that's really the problem we need to crack.
At this point in your question "In my absence my parents began opening my mail, refusing to send it to me, sending me nasty e-mails, throwing guilt trips at me, not supporting me financially, sending other people to talk to me for them, telling different people different things...the list goes on." your parents really do start to sound a little grey and poisonous. I think you have to take this very seriously (As I'm sure you have). The things you have listed are things that you just DON'T do to your son, daughter, father, brother, or Great step-auntie twice-removed.
In Australia it is illegal to open another person's mail if they're over 18. I think maybe the age is 21 there, as you've said something about that, so maybe there's nothing you can do about that. If your parents are willing to disown you enough to do mean stuff like that to you then they can't be acting on a healthy amount of love. You can't do what they want you do to for your whole life, otherwise it wouldn't be your life...
Your relatives should get off your back. It is most definitely not your responsibility to get the family back together, because you're not the one who's causing the problems.
It's perfectly reasonable for you to be associating with whoever you want to. If they have a problem with that then they're the ones causing family problems. You didn't tear the family apart, so if you get letters from relatives then you should educate them about the situation. Write yourself up a form letter explaining everything from your point of view, and send it to any mis-informed relatives who send you letters from your parents side. Perhaps you'll even start to get some understanding in the family and a few of your relatives might decide to talk to your parents rather than you. If they don't understand, then I guess you may as well just ignore the letters from them in the future. The only other way you're going to deal with it is to talk with your parents. They seem to be the ones creating havoc.
If your parents are claiming you as a dependent then they have to support you. There's got to be some kind of legal obligation, though I wouldn't know anything about American law, being from a different country. I think there must be something otherwise it's just fraud.
It sounds like you have a very difficult situation with respect to money. Declaring independence really comes down to whether you think you have any chance of getting money from your parents. I think you'll probably have a better idea after you've taken a little time to slow down, think things through, and then talked to them again. Would you get enough money to completely support yourself through college if you did declare independence?
What other things could you do to get money? Do you work a part time job, or would that screw around with your education? You said that you got a 3.0 in college(Which I will presume is high because of the way you phrased it, even though I have no idea :). If you're doing well academically, perhaps your college would be willing to give you support or a scholarship based on financial hardship.
I can understand to some extent why you wouldn't want to get "The Law" involved. When you start using that approach everything becomes not only complicated, but rather cut-throat, and potentially expensive- both with relation to money, and to the possibility of reconciliation with the people involved. However you should always be prepared to do what you need. Just incase your parents have become truly mean, manipulative people you should always be prepared to consider using the law to your advantage. The only person who really counts in such situations is yourself. It's cold, and cruel. It's the way life shouldn't be. But that doesn't stop it happening.
Your problem revolves around your parents. You need to find the reason that they are not supporting you. I don't know your parents, so I can't say whether or not they are usually reasonable, or rational people. If the main reason that they won't associate with you is your boyfriend then you have to find out why they dislike him so intensely. They have to accept you, and love you while you're in this relationship that you've chosen.
If that doesn't happen, you have two choices. You either disown your family, or break up with your boyfriend. By now I would expect him to know why you'd be doing it, so I guess that might make it easier on him. If you chose to disown your family, a question I have is what your boyfriend's financial standing is. It might seem like the bad side of a relationship, but if you two really are right as a couple, then I think it would be reasonable to ask him to help you with financial support during your education if he can.
Writing my answer, I started in segments focussing on particular paragraphs in your question. It was interesting to see this "They've controlled me my entire life and now that I want to make my life my own they will not let me and refuse to support me in any way." as it was exactly the kind of thing I was thinking about earlier in my answer. This makes things quite a bit clearer in the department of how things might eventually turn out.
It really does sound like your parents are being control freaks about your life. There could be several reasons for this;
1. They love you so much they don't want to see you get hurt.
2. They are scared that you will move on and leave them behind.
3. They are just general control freaks, who MUST control everybody they come into contact with, and get mad when things don't go the way they want them to.
Unless they know something about your boyfriend that you don't, and that they aren't telling you (And I can see no reason that they wouldn't dish the dirt on him if they really did have a reason for disliking your boyfriend), then I think that number 4(. Your parents know something about your boyfriend that makes them hate him with good reason, and they want to see you dump him) can be discounted.
In each case;
1. You need to find some way of communicating with your parents on a deep level so that they don't feel that you've been influenced by your boyfriend. In this you need to tell them that you are still "Their little girl", but that you need to make your own choices in life. You have to make them understand that they are hurting you by stopping you from experiencing life, and that you are ready to make choices about your life and making sure you don't get hurt on your own.
2. Find some way of convincing your parents and your family that you would never leave them behind (probably more of an option for you if you were prepared to lie about it). This would be a very difficult thing to deal with if you weren't prepared to lie to your parents, because you can almost guarantee that some time in your life you will want to move away. I guess the only way of getting around this if it really is the problem is to help your parents deal with any greif they might feel about you moving away from home. Luckily, it doesn't sound like you'll need to be doing this. My personal feeling from the way you wrote this is that you don't really feel much love from your parents anymore, which would definitely not be the case if they were going to be distraught about you leaving them behind. As it is, it's as if they're actively pushing you away.
3. This is the most likely, and perhaps on the emotional level the most devastating of reasons that your parents might want to be controlling your life. It isn't because they love you, it isn't really for much reason at all. It's just because they want to be right, and they want to be in control. The best option for YOU in this case is to get away from them almost regardless of what the consequences are. (or you could pretend to go along with them until you think that you have a good opportunity to escape them and become independent). If this was the case, then it's just unhealthy to stay in a manipulated state, unless (as said) it is just too convenient to accept their control of you for a few years until you can truly get away from them.
The main point you have to think about in this situation is that you need to live your own life. As long as your parents continue telling you what to do, and who to date, you can't do this. If you let this happen to you, your life won't be yours. You won't end up happy unless you get away from it.
4. A very easy way to remedy your parents "justified" hate of your boyfriend is to talk to them specifically enough to find out why they don't like your boyfriend. They must tell you why they don't like the way you are living, and why they don't like your boyfriend. Otherwise (if they can't) then they should stop being such assholes (excuse my strong language) to you.
Talking on this level with your parents could not only help to resolve issues they might have with your boyfriend, but if they really do know something they don't want to tell you then they may tell you something that could be incredibly significant to your continued relationship with him. That said - Be skeptical about anything your parents tell you. Don't take their word for it, because they may be well prepared to cook up snakey lies just to have you back under their control.
I hope somewhere in here I've written something that really seems to fit in to what's happening to you. It really is a complicated thing to sort out, but if you remember one thing, remember that this IS your life.
-K
(Rating: 5) Thanks so much that makes me feel a lot better. I believe the reason that they hate him so much is because they are judging him from when they met him and he was 14 years old. They think he's unstable and not capable of supporting a family and a future. If all of us were judged from when we were 14 and completely immature, the world would be a pretty different place. I can't seem to get it through their heads that he's not the same as when they met him and hated him because he was irritating. Anyways, thanks again :)