SilentOne's advice column

I'm an 29 year old guy.
I'll always do my best to give well considered and sincere advice - give me your best shot. P.S. Don't be afraid to ask me private questions, I rarely spend a lot of time answering non-private questions.

o.o There is apparently a FORUM for me if you would like to talk about random non-advice stuff. Take off your shoes!

advice

Hi Silentone, I know you've not answered a question in awhile, but I could really use some help. I'm v. upset about a relationship of mine which has gone wrong. I say relationship, but really it is more of a friendship,as i have only dated the guy on and off. I feel love for this man(he is 47, I am 22)but am also insecure around him. We both live in Britain, although he is American(ex-pat). He says that the reason he can't commit is his love for his EX-girlfriend back in the States, and I buy that(with reservations-if he were so in love with her , why would he be willing to even think about dating again).

Everytime I see him, I feel an overwhelming love for him, which was, weirdly enough, there from the beginning. He says that he doesn't want to date me partly because he can feel my pain and part of him enjoys that pain, and this sadism is a side of his personality that he wants to bury.I am hurting because I think I love him. I know there's not a whole lot that you or anyone can do to help, but I like your column. Also, I once gave you some advice which you said helped you, so I am hoping you can return the favour.
Lucretiax.

Hey,
You caught me just on the last day after my exams! (And also, I just found out, the day before I went to away for a week)
You're right, I haven't answered anything for ages, and I think it's time I start again. My life kind of fell apart, and now I have some time to put it back together... I suppose part of that is that I like helping people. I'll cut the chitchat and start answering your question :)

So you like this guy. You liked him since you met him, and you've always just gotten this aura around him, like he's somebody you really want to know better.
Sounds from what you said as if he likes you well enough, and you've been out a few times, "on and off". He has trouble committing. He -says- it's because of his EX back in the U.S..
I'm not sure what you mean by commitment here, but I'd hazard a guess that you'd like to be closer, that you want to be a "solid" couple with him, and that he doesn't seem to want to settle. He doesn't want to get tied down, or he has a problem with commitment because of his EX.
I'm curious about the excuse of loving his EX back in the U.S.. I'm not sure what to think about it. There was obviously something wrong for them to break up, and he still loves her. I think it would be an idea to talk to him about it (As much as you might hate talking about his previous girlfriend), and see why he can't let go of her. Perhaps you can help him to realise that he's not going to get back together with her, and you're just as good. He shouldn't avoid commitment his whole life unless he wants to end up a boring bachelor who takes underwater knitting classes for fun.
You said that he also says that he doesn't want to date you because he can feel your pain. I'm not quite sure what kind of pain you're talking about. Are you saying he can feel your pain from when he rejects you, and he kind of likes it? I'm not sure if this is what you're saying. If it is then I wouldn't stick around for too long. People who get a kick out of that kind of pain don't really promote healthy relationships.
What kind of pain is it that he likes? It's always a worry, I suppose. You know what he means, so I think you're the best one to think about it. If he really does like your pain I would think strongly about who you think he is. Is he a nice guy? Would he ever want to cause you pain - because I wouldn't want to talk you into an abusive relationship.
You say that you are hurting because you think you love him. Love does a lot of screwed up things to you. I think the more important part of why you are hurting isn't that you think you're in love with him. That would usually be a good thing. I think the problem is that you don't know, and maybe you don't think that you can have him. You don't think he'll let you, and every time you try, something happens which means you lose your courage, or he backs off from any kind of commitment. Loving somebody in limbo can be one of the worst parts of love.
I don't know, tell me if I'm talking crap (I could have this completely wrong, coming back after a couple of months off :P)
I think what you need to do is to decide where you really think you stand with the guy. Where he thinks you stand even, because you need to be very cautious, realistic about where he thinks you stand - or you risk being hurt. And when you've figured out where you stand you can try to think about stuff.
Why do you like him? Is it just a gut thing, or are there things about him that you really love?
You have to talk to him about it. Make him stay. A lot of guys (Sorry guys, I'm such a traitor) don't want to know about it, but if you're going to make something work, or even try, then he has to be in on it, and talk with you.
You have to tell him that he's screwing you up, and that the only way you're going to feel better is to be with him. He'll either respond, and you can start trying to get somewhere, or he'll get worse. Just a note- incase he is a real jerk, be prepared for anything. Don't let him jerk you around.

Where was I?
Just basically I think it sounds like what is hurting you is not going anywhere. Loving him in limbo.
You can but try, and if you fail then there's nothing you could have done about it.

I'm not really so crash hot on the 22 - 47 age difference. It's not a faux-pas as such, but that's a fair age gap. I guess it's up to you, and if it works then it works. Hah! Don't quote me on that one, the age gap between you two is older than I am, so I wouldn't have a clue.

If I didn't answer whatever question you were asking, or you need to know about something else feel free to ask another question. I hope something in this pile of dribble helped you figure out what you need to do. If you do ask another question I won't be around until the 5th (or 6th or 7th, or some time depending on where you live) of December, so I'll answer as soon as I get it.

~Luck!

-K

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(Rating: 5)
Thank you for your answer, as thoughtful and carefully constructed as ever. You're right, I was loving him in limbo, and it was more infatuation thaan love. Glad to see your column back up and running, as is mine. Lucretiax.

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