Ugo's advice column

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Q: hello so i need to runaway from here (my home) i love my family but latley they have been asking the world from me and even when I talk to them they still dont stop my mom had surgy (historectmy) and my dad hurt his back so i know i should help out but when they werent hurt they still asked us (me and my sister) to do it all i guess when my other sis was here Kas it wasnt as much but they still didnt do anythin I cant stand it Ash can leave after this year to college and I have 4 more years any help on all this i really think runing away is the best thing to do but were to go what to do i mean i cant just walk out but i cant live on the streets of sesser so what can i do if i do run away

It sounds like you feel unappreciated and taken advantaged of. I don't know how running away is going to solve this problem for you. As an adult, I can share with you that it pays to have some type of contact with your family as an adult.
There are no rules that dictate that no one is entitled to not experience any family discords. Running away is not the answer. If you do so it will likely become a pattern of behavior in all facets of your life concerning commitment, which will be destructive to your health.
Your parents are going through a hard time, while your aungish is understandablea, be there for them. Your running away will only add to their hurt and pain. I would suggest taking some alone time to yourself everyday, say an hour, and informing your parents about your need for some alone time to mentally recharge.
Also talk to a school counselor who can guide you to some resources in the community if your family is struggling financially.
Stay strong and good luck.

Q: hmm, where to start? Well, im a 13 year old girl. Everyone thinks that im this perfect girl, with a smile on her face everyday. But, on the inside i want to cry. No one knows that im feeling the way I am. I am so fake, that that makes me upset. Im like a prep. But, once I get home, I go upstairs and just cry. I dont know why this happens, or why im even crying. It might be because my friends are mad at me? That i got in trouble with the law recently and am going through that? That my parents dont trust me? That im failing school? hmm, im not sure. But I know the outcome is very upsetting. I cry myself to sleep, i've tried to cut but stopped. How though, im getting addicted to snapping hairbands on my wrist. And, ive wrapped my scarf around my neck tring to choke myself. No, i havent talked to anyone about this, I want to, but I just cant. The only person I thought about going to was my school counselor. but, i think that its because I dont want anyone to know whats happening on the inside.

I really am not sure what to do, but I need advice as soon as possible.

Thanks.

The first thing that comes to mind is clinical depression, but when I read on, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of shame. Depression nevertheless, but this seems to stem from your beliefs about yourself. Regardless of what you are going through, you should give yourself permission to love yourself and be proud. There are plenty of 13 year olds, who feel that their parents don’t trust them, have gotten into trouble in the community and experience conflicts with their friends. The number one way to cope with these stressors is to talk to some one about it, or maybe join a teen group meeting in your community. Once you hear about others going through and overcoming similar struggles, you will be motivated to address your issues with an optimistic attitude. Bottling things up leads to self destructive behaviors and god forbid you try to choke yourself again. I would encourage you to talk to your school counselor; if not have your parents get you a therapist of your choice in your community.

About the hair bands; from my experience, people who cut, and make an effort to stop, (which is always good) tend to resort to rubber bands or in your case, hair bands to snap at their wrists. The problem with bands is that most cutters feel they don’t provide the same degree of pain and tension relief as cutting, and as a result they end up resorting back to cutting, which leads to more secretive behaviors, in regards to hiding the scars, feelings of shame and possible infections.
I strongly encourage you to seek counseling.
Good luck.

Q: My dad is leaving next year. My parents are divorcing. My mom doesn't even have a job so I don't even know what we're going to do. My dad is always yelling. My mom's always blaming me for everything. My dad hates me & I don't even know why. My parents are always talking about how smart my brother is & why can't I be like him. I get grounded if I don't make A's in every subject like my brother. My cousin is in the hospital. My grandfather has cancer & won't be living much longer. I can't talk to anyone but three of my close friends about anything, but I hardly see them anymore. Two of my best friends got separated from me because they changed the school districts. Another one of my best friends just got transferred to another school starting Monday. Two more of my best friends go to my school, but I never see them, so it's pointless. Another one of my best friends...my parents won't even let me hang out with. I ended up breaking off the friendship with five of my close friends last year because they started drinking & changing & all they do is spread rumors about me & gossip/talk about me now when I see them. God, I can't take all of this. How can I deal with everything that's going on?

When I read your situation, I get the feeling of drowning, and a desperate desire to come up for air. First of all make some time for you to take a deep breath, and take things in stride. Kudos to you for not drinking, and spreading rumors, (at least that’s the impression I got) you sound like a principled person.
You get grounded for not getting As’ in every subject? Wow, you must be bright, I know parents who require that their kids just “pass” their classes.
All of the scenarios you have described are situations you have no control over or bare any fault to; parents’ divorce, your brother being Einstein, your cousin and your granddad’s both being ill, you and your friends growing apart..
I would suggest that you talk to your parents, about your feelings of being compared to your brother, but be prepared for them to disagree with you. The purpose of talking to them is to simply get things off your chest, and learn to accept things you can’t change. As for your cousin and granddad, be there for them the best you can and hope for the best. As for your friends, accept the change and keep an open mind; an open mind to make new friends.
Best of luck

Q: 15/f

I recently started taking 5 mg of Abilify (mood stablizer), but i stopped it 2 days ago because I started to feel really anxious and antsy and jittery and restless all the time. I haven't had it since then, but the restless feelings haven't gone away.

nothing else has changed about my diet, etc.

what can I do to stop this? It's like i want to get up and run around in circles but I'm too tired/can't.

Dear 15/f,
The Abilify, was it legally prescribed to you? Abilify is typically prescribed for Bipolar 1 disorder and in some cases for schizophrenia. I wonder if you are going through an episode of mania or experiencing some of the common and unpleasant side effects typically associated with the drug. Some of the common side effects I have heard are, headaches, anxiety, insomnia, nausea, vomiting, constipation, dizziness, upset stomach, and an inner sense of restlessness or need to move around, (formally termed akathisia). These side effects differ from person to person; please call your doctor or a doctor immediately!
Good Luck.

Q: Please help if you can... Lately I hate myself. I hate who I am and everything I do. Everyone sees me as a happy person who loves her life, but inside I'm torn apart. I cry nonstop anymore when I'm alone. Everything in my life goes wrong. The one person who I always trusted to love me and like me for me unconditionally(ie MYSELF) ... has given up on me. Yes..I've given up on myself. One of my best friends moved away a few months ago... she never let me know how to get ahold ofher... I just gave her my number and she said she'd called me... haven't heard from her since. Now my absolute best friend is moving. I don't know how I'm going to live without her. She's the only person who has every believed in me. After she leaves I don't know what I'll do. I just feel like killing myself anymore... And I can't even do that right... because I'm so afraid of die ing that i couldn't do it. I have a feeling this is what depression is... which is what my mother suffers from. She just tells me not to tell anyone, because they will just want to give me pills. I told her I was thinking of killing myself and she just said no youren ot... I don't know what to do. What can you do when you start feeling like you're all alone in the world? thank you so much... even for just readin all of this.

Please don’t follow through with any thoughts of killing yourself; you will crush a lot of people who care about you. It is not the answer. It seems that you have picked on a number of issues to be legitimately sad about. Everything in life has an opposite, this means there should be a number of things in your life that you should be legitimately happy about. Bad things happen in everyone’s life, and its okay. Work on spending some energy on the positives in your life, it is through focusing on the positives that people gain the strength to persevere through challenging times. Positives in your life don’t have to be grandiose; they can be as simple as your looks, your smarts, your favorite pet, your siblings, a favorite book, and any thing positive you can think of.

You are right, this does sound like depression, and you need to seek help. It concerns me that your mum is resistant to you receiving professional help. One thing you might want to let her know is that even if a professional recommends you take medication, it will not happen unless she gives the okay. (Assuming you are under 18.)
Please don’t hurt yourself, and good luck.

Q: I am a 17-year old girl about to go to college. I absolutely love my family. However, recently my dad has been acting harshly towards my mom, but not in an abusive way- he doesn't specify where he's going when he's going out, for example, and expects her to take it. They've been married 26 years, but he doesn't show her a lot of affection -and she has complained to me about it. Now I have proof that he is having an affair. The only problem is is that this proof is his text messages - things I shouldn't be looking at. I couldn't help myself, and I know it was wrong. However, now that I know should I do and/or say something? I am absolutely heartbroken and shocked, but more than that is the fact that my mom doesn't deserve this. Is there anything I can do? Please help me.

My heart goes out to you, for being in such a sad situation. The truth is, your mother doesn’t need proof of any kind that your father is unfaithful in the marriage to address and take action on her issues with his blatant behaviors towards her. If you tell your mother, what do you expect will come of it? Also if you tell your father, what are your expectations from that confrontation? The bottom line is that this is your parents’ marriage and not yours, and while as their child you are psychologically affected by what’s going on presently and what happens in the near future. I would suggest you process your thoughts and feelings over your father’s behavior with a therapist in your area, and continue to lend your mother an open ear. So long as your mother isn’t being physically abused, I would let the situation play itself out.
-Good luck.

Q: One guy that's in almost all my classes told me in 3rd period that he doesn't like me, straight up. I have no idea why he would even say that. We barely know each other, and I'm not but not bragging smart and I try to be a perfectionist but i'm not straight up, i just lay behind in like the shadows and am really quiet. He's really quiet too.

I'm sure that everyone probably hates some people for no reasons (we all admit this to ourselves) but it hurts so much that we don't even know each other at all and he just tells me that he doesn't like me. Worst of all, just straight up, face to face. And yes, he was serious.

I'm just so hurt and my esteem went down ten-folds. Is there anything i can do to make myself feel better or anything you can say that will help me feel better? i feel like the world hates me.

We are all social animals, as human beings we are hard wired that way; that’s why when people say things like “ I hate you” we feel moved by it. Nevertheless, it sounds you have genuinely questioned the possible reasons as to why this young man supposedly hates you, and you have not come up with a reason. Then believe in yourself, there is no reason for him to hate you and the world doesn’t hate you. So hold your head up and be proud of who you are. The next time he or someone else going through similar self esteem issues attempts to invite you into their world of misery by telling you they hate you, practice saying this;
“If there is anything I have done to offend you, I am open to talk about it with you. However if you insist on holding on to such hard feelings, that not my problem.”
Until the next time, feel free to keep your head up and ignore the toxic attitude of your classmate.
Take care

Q: I am having problems with a few things, but they all relate to paranoid tendencies.

At night, I have the feelings of someone trying to break in, or am scared that I am not going to wake up if we get broke into, or a fire breaks out.

Another problem, I am paranoid that my husband is cheating on me. Also, that he is trying to poison me to get me out of the way. I know that sounds nuts, but this is how I feel. It also feels like a conspiracy theory at times. I am always sick, and seem to be getting worse so. (I have been to doctors and had blood work, no problems with that).

Here's my question, does anyone know of any ways to help conquer, overcome, or cope with paranoid tendencies? Any help is appreciated, experienced or at least some knowledge is preferred.

Thanks.

Conventional theory concerning paranoia is about changing your belief system, for example; if you believe your husband bears ill will towards you, you’re probably not going to act very receptive towards him, which might lead to him feeling rejected and in turn not being receptive towards you. This leads to a degree to self full filling prophesy, meaning that you might take your husband’s lack of being receptive towards you as a sign that he really wants to hurt you. Another example is that if you allow your irrational thoughts to think you are sick, your body is going to act sick, even if there is nothing wrong with you.
One method to cope with your worries is to develop a rule within yourself. Identify which of your worries are irrational and discard them. All your worries are very possible, someone could very well break into your home, a fire could break out, and it is possible for your husband to cheat on you or kill you.
These things could happen to anyone, but why worry about events that are out of your control? More specifically why worry about potential events, to which you have no evidence that suggests they might happen? Work on identifying what you have control over and no control over, and emotionally letting go of what you have no control over. There are no guarantees in life and this is something we all have to come to terms with. I will also suggest seeking the services of a therapist to explore your life history about how your core beliefs were formed, which leads to your issues with paranoia.
-Good luck

Q: im 16 and im pregnant with my boyfriends baby.

i need a lot of help.
im NOT getting an abortion so thats out of the question, even if my boyfriend left me.

heres my backround information.
THIS WAS NOT A MISTAKE. I WANTED TO BE PREGNANT! my birthdays in early december, im a softmore, im currently living with my mother (hoping to move in with my dad) *parents are devorcing*, i have a dog that i will not leave without, i DONT have a car or licance YET, i come from an above middle class family, im a varsity cheerleader for my high school and i LOVE it, my moms sister had a child at 16 so my mom is always warning me not to, im a only child, and lastly, my parents are TOTALLY over protective.

here are the things i need advice on...
-how to i tell my mom
-how do i tell my dad
-am i too young for a house/apt. with my boyfriend (same age)
-how will i finish high school/ go on to collage
-should i start work/get a job
-what do i do about cheerleading. do i have to quit
-what should i do with the child while in school
-could i get home schooled for part of the pregnancy
-how can i hide the bigness
-how where do i plan everything
-how do i get parents support
-how do i get friends to understand
-how will friends throw baby shower
-how hide it from friends parents
-will parents but baby stuff or make me pay for it
-any other things that i need to know.
-if its a girl/boy
-baby names

although this not a "planned" preg. its not like it was like one day, OH IM PREGNANT. we decided this. and its a big responcibility but i feel we can handle it. please, i need as much help from anyone and everyone including boys, and girl, other teenage mothers, and older mothers. anyone who can help me. it would be greatly appriciated. thank you.

It’s interesting that you would want to get pregnant at 16, when you seem to have things going on for you, such as cheer leading, hopes of going to college, et.c.. You need to tell your parents immediately, sit them down together in the living room and announce it. You need to be calm because more than likely, they will overreact. If you and your boyfriend are still together, then have him be there with his parents. Every decision you make from there on should be with your parents. You should be able to continue going to school until you give birth, after which your life will be changed forever. While it is still possible for you to complete schooling, go to college or even get a job, with a baby in your life, these things will be very challenging, and you need to be mentally prepared for some hard work and sleepless nights. Please wait for about two years before you get an apartment, you need to save the money. Please do not make any attempts to hide the pregnancy; you might hurt your self and the baby. People are going to talk, get used to it, as well as the stares. It makes no sense for you to be shamed, so hold your head up high and be proud, it will be good for you and the baby. Also, I wouldn’t recommend you continue cheer leading, particularly if you traditionally engage in flips and somersaults.
Best of luck.

Q: I have a friend who is going through a tough time at school. She's constantly made fun of and she has anger issues. She shows people someone she's not and doesn't know who to change. I have no idea what advice to give her even though I've been through that but never really cared. She's afraid of herself and doesn't know who to trust besides me. She's afraid she'll do something horrible to herself and she's on the edge of killing herself. I don't know what to say to her. HELP!

If you really believe your friend is on the verge of killing herself, tell someone immediately. A teacher, school counselor, or even her parents, your friend telling you about her desire to kill herself (you didn’t say if she told you, just a guess) is a cry for help. Regarding the teasing, show your friend that it’s okay to be made fun of . There is very little sense in worrying about what comes out of someone’s mouth when you have no control over what others say. So long as your friend is not being physically abused by those who tease her, by changing her attitude about being teased, she would be in a better position to better manage her anger.

Q: Can someone help me to find steps to help my son who has been housbound for 2 yrs. he is 22 but every doctor says he has to come in. where can i find help or at least steps to help him. he is so desperate. He wants to go out but after being out for 5-10 minutes has to go back and it has to be at night or early morning when no one is there. please someone help.

Sounds like you need an intervention, gather some close friends and relatives to include a therapist or professional interventionist and pay him a visit. I imagine that your first expectation is to have him see a professional; this is a boundary you must set and stick with. If he refuses, give him an ultimatum to either seek help, or move out in a specified amount of time. Given that he has been housebound for two years, he probably doesn’t have the money to get a place of his own any time soon, so you would naturally have the advantage. Besides seeing a professional, I would recommend a long term residential treatment program for him.
Fair warning: It is important that if you go ahead with the intervention strategy, that you hire a mental health therapist experienced with interventions. People who suffer from agoraphobia have severe anxieties, and most people who suffer from severe anxieties, tend to be suicidal.
Good luck.

Q: Alright, so I'm 16 and a sophmore in highschool. My freshmen year I was a great kid, I did everything I was suppose to and never did anything wrong, I didnt even have my first kiss til the end of freshmen year. Anyways...I was really a good kid until the begining of this year (sophmore year) and now I'm not a bad kid...but I'm not the sweet little angel I was last year. I've started smoking and drinking.I cut myself (not bad enough to really hurt anything and I really dont want to be lectured about that, I know its bad and I know I shouldnt do it) And I've gone alot further with my boyfriend than I thought I would. I'm even starting to think about having sex with him. I dont know what made me start doing all this. Well recently, I havent been sleeping....at all...and I cant tell if its because I just cant sleep or if it has something to do with all this other stuff. I barley make it through class anymore. I'm still passing all my classes and everything but I can barley stay awake through any of them. Last night I had two hours of sleep. I guess I just wanted to know if you guys had any ideas (without talking to my parents) on how to sleep better...That doesnt really make sence does it? Oh well....Thanks for all of your help.

Smoking drinking and cutting are all habits used to cope with stress, usually in the form of depression and anxiety. Most people, who cut, describe cutting as a release of pent up tension. There are two issues going on here, the first is that you seem to developing an addiction to these unhealthy habits, (smoking, drinking and cutting) especially since you know it’s bad and you have no desire to be lectured. People who engage in these types of behaviors usually end up experimenting with hard drugs, which in turn has devastating effects on their lives. The second issue is that you don’t seem to have anyone you can turn to for support, especially since it seems you are determined to keep your parents in the dark. I strongly suggest you find a therapist so you can have an opportunity to process your core issues, before matters in your life become more complicated and out of control. If you are having difficulty in stopping with the smoking, drinking and cutting, you are more than likely dealing with addiction issues. As for you going further with your boyfriend…before you start having sex, consider the consequences and if you are in the position to probably deal with them (worst case scenario).

Q: I desperately need a way to get things out of my mind. I replay bad memories or moments in my head millions of times a day, I obsess over boys/friends, I can't handle being yelled at, I strive for order, and I get overly stressed all too often.

I have good grades, play sports, and eat healthy. Still I can't help but feel like everything is always going crazy in my head.

What can I do to get my emotions and this stress under control. I can never let go of grudges or let anything just 'roll off my back' Any ideas?

Sounds like you are struggling with obsessive compulsive thoughts and maybe some obsessive behaviors. Most people, who struggle with similar issues, repeatedly tell themselves that they have to be in control of every facet of their lives. Of course things always don’t go smoothly and it is not possibly to control the actions of others.

Learn to recognize what you can control and what you have no control over. Accept things as they are. There are two ways you can go about doing this, the first is to change what you constantly tell yourself. If you are in the habit of telling yourself that bad things should not happen to you and others shouldn’t do or say hurtful things to you, tell yourself that while you prefer for things to go smoothly, and always get along with others, you are capable of dealing with bad situations and conflicts with others. Secondly I recommend you start seeing a therapist or a school counselor.
Good luck.
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bio

Ugo is a licensed professional counselor in Arizona. He holds a Bachelors in Psychology and a Masters of Science in Counseling Psychology. He is also the host of Road 2 Resolutions, a web site dedicated to addressing questions on mental health issues and conflict resolution issues.
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