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Q: I have been seeing a married man for about 2 years. I am sure I am going to repeat some of the same crap other "fools" say. I TRULY feel his love for me. I have never loved "everything" about someone, until him. I try to keep my mouth shut, he is the one telling me that he loves me constantly. He says he is waiting until his youngest goes to college this fall. He is 11 years older than me. We only kissed "a lot" for a year and a half, and only started sleeping together 9 months ago. So I know it isn't based on sex. He also lives an hour from me, so we only see each other for short periods of time once or twice a week. But he calls me as soon as he leaves work, as soon as he finishes playing music, and on all holidays! AND I know he would love my kids. I truly feel it! So here goes, FOOL or just STUPID!

Um, both? I'm not sure what you want me to tell you exactly... yes, you're a fool, and you're stupid, and I honestly believe that because any man worth seeing is NOT a man who would ever cheat on a wife. Why is this always so hard to figure out?

Q: I'm 18, and have never had a boyfriend. For the past four months, I have liked this guy, and he has shown strong signs of liking me, too. He stares intently at me all the time, he searches for me at parties... He's even practically admitted to liking me to a friend of mine. I've tried letting him know as much as I can that I'm interested, too.

However, I just found out last night that in the last month, he started dating another girl. But he seems to be trying to keep the relationship a secret, especially from me. The girl will try to hold his hand in public, and he'll draw it away while looking nervously at me.

This girl had only recently broken up with another guy, a friend of his no less. I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel about him, and knows he was at least watching me. I get the feeling it was her who asked him out, but I still don't know why he said yes. And she seems to have changed him, for the worse.

His best friend, though, has shown evidense of caring about me (not in that way), and not really liking this other girl very much. I invited them both to my birthday party recently, and only the friend showed up, and I later found out that he kind of rubbed it in to the guy.

I guess what I'm asking is, what's going on? I want answers, I want revenge, but I also just want to completely rid myself of the whole situation and it's emotional baggage. What would be the best thing to do?

Don't let it eat at you, as they say there are plenty of fish in the sea and it's very true. This should be a lesson to you though: people go out with people who ask them out. I'd say 80% of the time, almost everyone gutsy enough to ask out a guy or girl at least gets a chance to prove themselves and the invitation is accepted. You should have asked him out or at least been more clear about how you felt. You can't expect a guy to read your mind and turn down everyone else because he *thinks* you might like him, and you can't expect a girl to put aside her feelings for that guy, either. I'm not sure who you want revenge on but I don't think you have the right to inflict it. Get over this guy and in the future tell people how you feel, that's my advice.

Q: I've convinced myself that just because the rest of my family smokes, doesn't mean I will. But most people I know say "you never know if you're going to end up smoking yet"
I always tell them "I promise you I'm not going to smoke" and they tell me I cant make a promise like that. Hardly anyone believes me. A few people do but that's not enough. I could start smoking anytime...so when is the right time that they will believe me? When I'm older? I'm still young, and if I'm not smoking now...I'm not a smoker, so why can't I just stay like I am.....NOT A SMOKER. I know a lot of people say that they're not going to smoke and some of them end up smoking, but I'm not one of those people. I counted how much money my family would waste altogether with the money they spend on cigarettes all combined....and thats like 50,000 a year!
That's messed up.
I'm not going to smoke because I already see the way my family struggles with it. It breaks my heart that they're controlled by a poisonous stick. What should I do? Do you think I'm going to smoke just because the rest of my family does? I'm not the kind of person who gives into peer pressure...and I've already turned an offer for a cigarette down.
I'm about to take all their cigarettes and flush them down the toilet...that's how scared I am for them, and it's going to waste a lot of their money, but that will just teach them a lesson. (even though most people say that a if you take their cigarettes away, it will just make them want to smoke more, well I'll make sure they dont) Should I? I'm so confused...and sorry for the length. PLEASE HELP!

Actually, the only way you have a chance of not smoking is by making yourself a promise like that. You've got to, and you've got to stick with it. You're not destined to make stupid choices.

Too often, people are afraid to promise themselves something and they end up being forced to make the decision at a bad time, and they chose wrong and regret it later. Decide now if you're going to smoke, if you're going to go to college, if you're going to have sex, if you're going to be smart about spending money. Set rules for yourself. Set limits and absolutes. It's the only way to make the right choice.

Q: why did you create this website?

I think this is all on the "about us" page. In fact, I'm sure it is.

Q: I'm 14 and a freshman in highschool, but I have no idea what I want to do when I'm old enough to get a job. I don't know where I want to go to college or what to major in.. I can't even figure out what I'm good at. I don't have too many hobbies other than reading or chatting online.. (I really have no life..) Everyone is pressuring me to decide on something. What should I do?

14? I have friends who are 30 and don't know what they want to be when they grow up. Settle. I hate it when people tell high schoolers that if they screw up now their whole life will suck forever... high school is not the end all be all of life, you'll have lots of chances to change your mind.

That said, I'm an engineer so I think everyone should do that. It's fun. Only requires four years of college but it pays pretty darn good money for that. You get to play with toys and draw pretty diagrams. You get to work with quirky nerds who are used to you making fun of them. There are almost always jobs, unless you're unlucky and graduate in a real slump, which I was, but I still got a job. People told me engineering was boring and I'd want to stab myself after a year in it... not so. I love my job!

Then there are always those wussies who are like, "but it takes math! math is scary!" eh, math is only scary if you're totally incapable of breaking problems down into little steps, if you want the easy way out of everything. It's worth it. So take a math class every year, be sure to take a physics course, and be an engineer!

Q: Okay, I figured I would ask you for help because I need a woman's point of view on this, and really quickly.

I'm fourteen, and about a week ago I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was meaningful, gentle, and... great. We had fun, and I feel comfortable with him, and our relationship is pretty serious.

My parents were looking through my room a couple days ago - I'm still not sure why - and they found a few condoms I had on hand (although they were hidden among my things.) Then they went through my journal and read the little bit I wrote about the experience, which made me feel incredibly violated. They got really angry and upset, and want me to talk to a therapist about my "bad decisions."

The truth is, I don't feel like I made a bad decision. I trust my boyfriend, I used protection, and I feel emotionally and physically secure. I think we have shown each other enough responsibility and maturity to handle a sexual relationship. I tried to express that to my mom, and she just got really upset and started to cry.

I realize it may not be a "social norm" to have sex at fourteen, but I was ready, and it feels right between us. I'm not sure where to go from here.

It's tough for parents to deal with the fact that they can't control every decision their kid makes, that's just the fact of it. Be nice to them. Help them deal. Don't try to convince them you know what you're doing because they won't believe you. They have to go through their own acceptance. If they really feel like paying for therapy I guess let them, maybe you can talk to the therapist about how your family relationship, because that's what I think is really in for one after all this has gone on.

Q: A very dear friend of mine is engaged, but only 17. I have extremely strong feelings for her, and I think that I could treat her better than he could, and that I care for her more. Sometimes she even seems disappointed that she's engaged to the guy she's with. She and I already talk about anything and everything, so we have a very special friendship. We also spend a good deal of time with each other on a somewhat regular basis. My best friend, who knows her very well, agrees with me, and thinks that I would be better for her. Seeing as she's engaged, however, that leaves me with no chance. What do I do?!

You need to be as blatantly honest as possible with her. Tell her you can treat her better, hell, tell her a lot of guys could treat her better. Ask her why she's engaged and tell her it'll be a lot easier to give back the ring now. Do your best. I hope she sees the light.

Q: I owe you an apologie. I posted yesterday about my boyfriend and the lack of Christmas present. I found out last night after confronting him about the whole situation. He told me he had already bought me a gift and he wasn't telling me because he wanted it to be a big surprise.

I am a jackass

And I think he just saw how bad he'd behaved and made up for it really quick. Don't drop your gaurd!

Q: Before I write this, I just want everybody to know how insane and/or stupid this is about to sound. I am a very intelligent 21-year-old senior pre-law student. My stupid boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic. Two weeks ago, he slipped up and drank...a lot. Prepare for the madness: That night, he drove his truck into a HOUSE, and is now in prison for his THIRD DUI. Yikes...it really sucks that the first time he slips up, he gets caught. (And, I am not naive, I know for a fact he has been sober for at least year.) The unfortunate incarceration occured when I was out of town. Now, he's still in prison, and I really am having some issues. I love him dearly, and I firmly believe in second chances. However, the mental and emotional stress that this is causing me is way more than I bargained for. Am I being retarded by sticking with him and supporting him emotionally through this while I am suffering all at his hand? Or am I being stupid by asking this question in the first place? I DESPERATELY need an objective opinion. Thanks for your time!

I personally would feel very uncomfortable with someone who may very well kill somebody someday. That said, I know that alcoholism is a disease, and it can be treated even if it can't be cured. If you really feel like you love him, don't stay with him unless you do some digging to find out why he slipped up like that. It's obvious that something in his treatment wasn't working. If he can admit that he definately has a problem and wants to try something new to fix it, I don't think he's such a bad person to stay with. You're going to have to confront him on it though.

Also, never forget that needing to save your own sanity is always a perfectly good reason to leave someone. Unless you're married, you have an obligation to take care of yourself first. We're always made to feel like we're "giving up" when we leave relationships like this but we're not... we're getting real. There's a difference. If you're not comfortable, take care of yourself and don't feel so bad about needing to turn away or at least take some time.

Q: My boyfriend will not be getting me a chritmas gift this Christmas. I have already purchased his gift and given it to him because he needed it early (an expensive snowboarding coat). I am trying not to be upset. Times are tough, money's tight, the problem is he spent $200 on his mom's CD player, and bought his dad a forutne in hunting gear and we went out all weekend and he had no money problems then. Sunday we went shopping and he mentioned that he looked at his account and he's going to have to write a bad check so that he get his sister a gift. I told him not to worry about me, he says he's really sorry (he's really beating himself up over it) and that he'll get me something great the next paycheck, which won't be until January 5th. Am I being stupid and girly because my feelings are hurt?

No, I definately think you're dealing with total crap here. It was stupid and selfish of him to accept such a nice gift from you without stopping to think about whether he'd be able to afford your gift after everyone else's.

Gifts are gifts and you're not supposed to just expect people to get you stuff, that's kind of against the point. But the fact that he'd spend so much money on Christmas gifts tells me that he's got some screwed up priorities. He's a loser and you shouldn't be with him... I know it sounds shallow but your life will be very difficult if you tie yourself to someone who's so horrible at managing money. There are lots of people living paycheck to paycheck and that's okay, but most of them don't spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on Christmas presents for each person in their family, that's just irresponsible. You probably won't listen to me but trust me, wait until after the holidays are over and then get out of this relationship. You gotta look at the signs.

Q: I am a law student I have have been dating a law student at another school for two months. He's really smart and hardworking (went to Harvard undergrad), very neurotic and a little awkward. I've had to make all of the first moves on him (holding hands, kisses, etc.), which I was really proud of. I like him a lot.

About a month ago, I attended a lecture at his school, and we hung out the whole night afterward. He took me to dinner and the movies, and didn't let me pay (nice gesture, but I don't like that). Afterward, we went back to his place and "hooked up," meaning that we did everything except sex, which I feel was very intimate. I had initiated the encounter by asking for a kiss, and he took that to mean "the whole nine yards." I didn't do anything that I didn't want to do.

Since then, we haven't seen each other. We speak on the phone very sporadically (once a week or less). When I ask him to come visit me, or what his plans are for New Year's, he is very evasive. He tells me that he's extremely busy with his work (which is true, as he's a law student and we are both busy). He doesn't always return my calls or e-mails. I don't know whether I should tell him how much he is hurting me, or just try not to think about him. Some friends say I should keep going out with him on a very casual level the next time he asks me, but I worry that I'm incapable of doing that.

Was I wrong to initiate physical things with this guy who doesn't seem to want to be my boyfriend? Is casual sex (or almost sex) something to be ashamed of?

I don't think you should be ashamed of anything, we all do what's right at the time. Looking back it probably wasn't the right thing to do, but who ever knows what is? Don't look back on it negatively.

I'd let go of this guy though. It's hard to have a relationship with someone at another school, and he may very well be too busy to get involved with you. Give him time and maybe he'll call you, maybe he won't, but you can't just keep calling him wondering why he's not that happy about it. It's a sign. Go forth and find someone more deserving of your time.

Q: I am not gay or bisexual. That's what makes this so weird, as I have become a Gay Rights activist of sorts. I personally, as a Christian, do not believe that homosexuality is wrong. (When I heard about the gay bishop, I said "more power to him!") I am politically conservative on most things, but I am pretty liberal on this issue. My friends (and adults/teachers) do not feel the same way. I was brought up in a house that accepted everyone for who they were. When I went to a private school, and the subject of homosexuality came up, I was disturbed at the ignorance that surrounded me. Their argument is that people "choose" to be gay. This, of course, is total BS. I have tried to see their point of view, but it's not working for me. I have had MANY arguments about the subject with my peers. Then they will ask a teacher/pastor and they will agree with the peer, of course. It's obvious they have never met anyone gay. They also have misconceptions. They think that all gay men act feminine. How can I make them see the light? Or should I accept that I am surrounded by people who disagree with me on an issue I feel strongly about?

You can't always change people's minds with words or stand up against every wall and knock it down. As a Christian, you're called to be an example of the life you think God would have us lead. There are many attitudes in the world you'll never be able to change, and often you can only create more anger by loudly speaking out.

I'm not saying you shouldn't make your position known. You should. Just don't harp on it and definately don't let it eat away at you if they aren't listening. It's important how you live your life and it's important that you love everyone, not that you lead them all to see the light.

Q: I really like this guy - I know it's been said before a thousand times - and my friends claim that he likes me back, though I honestly can't see it myself.
I'd really like to get to know him better, but I get very shy around him and don't know what to say - could you possibly give me some tips on how to make this easier?
Thanks.

Well, does he have hobbies? Do you have hobbies? I can't really give you advice on how not to be nervous around a guy, there are US senators who get nervous before every speach but there's nothing they can do about it, they just go. So just go!

Q: okay... i have a prolem, i think. i think i am fat, but my friends always try to tell me i'm not, but i think they're lieing. i'm 5'2 and weigh 95lb. i worry about looking fat all the time, but my junior size one pants are really baggy on me. i only eat one or two meals a day, or if i eat three i won't eat the next day. most people i know try to skip meals though. i was diagnosed with depression when my parens found out i was cutting myself badly last year, and have since stopped. does that somehting to do with it? am i anorexic? if i am what do i do?

I don't think you're anorexic, just insecure. If you know that you only "think" you're fat you know enough to self-diagnose the problem... it's obvious to me that you don't know you're fat, you just think it. you read? I think you're trying to get attention. Stop. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you don't need the world worrying about you and telling you you're not fat... you can worry about yourself and be honest with yourself about your body image.

Q: Can you buy birth control pills over the counter or do I need a doctor's prescription before I can get it?

Prescription only, and for good reason. If you have high blood pressure or other health issues, the pill might not be a good idea for you. Doctors will screen for this. You'll also have to have a pap smear... even though many people go on the pill for reason other than birth control, it's assumed that you're going to be sexually active, and you shouldn't be sexually active without an annual exam.

Q: Why is that men (aka my bosses) will ask me a question with regards with how to do something and then upon getting the answer they will do the exact oposite? It's driving me crazy.

Obviously you need to tell them to do the opposite of what you think they should do, that way what you think should happen is what will get done.

Q: Okay, I need some brutally honest advice. There's this guy I started flirting with almost a year ago and we really hit it off. We hung out alot, heavily flirted...even touched each other a little and stuff like that. I really do like this guy after getting to know him and it totally seems like he likes me...but he has a girlfriend. He's been with her for almost three years!! I've tried telling him honestly how I feel but he always takes it as a joke. What should I do?

If he's happy with his girlfriend then don't worry about it, any guy who deserves you would want to be with you, right? Be friends, it's okay to be friends with guys, really, it is.

Q: I'm 14 i was 13 at the time i liked this guy for a realy long time and he finally asked me out 3 months later i kept sayin no becase i was scared of having a boyfriend for the first time he was so sweet at first! Finally i said yes that first day every body was saying how happy i was and how much i was laughing having a good time cause i usally dont at school.he was huging me and he would hold my hand during class (he sat behind me.) when we were leaving after school we were holding hands then all of the sudden he let go and said good bye comes to find out he asked three other gurls out at the end of the day after he asked me in out in the morning i broke up with him the next morning. its been a year now and we dont talk much but i think about him 24 7 i love him. people dont take me seriouly when i say that but i do please help me i dont think i can be happy again unless i'm with him but i dont think i can be happy with him becase of what he did it's been on my mind for so long its causing me problems with friends and family because i'm always so mad about it. any help would do thanxs

If you can't be happy without a man, a man won't make you happy. Ever. Get over it.

Q: My Boyfriend,Benji,Is always busy and everytime hes not so busy all we do is have sex.I'm starting to think that he doesn't love me....
What do you think?What should I do??

Use your brain and stop dating him.

Honestly, I sometimes think I could be replaced by a robot.

Q: Hey. I have been cutting for about the last 2 or 3 years and just stopped in the last 1 and a half months after going in the hospital for overdosing on Tylonal. Anyways, everybody knows about me cutting myself except my parents. I am surprised they do not see my scars since they are on my arm and are very contrasting with my skin color. (They are white and I am Italian so I am darker than most.) Anyways, I am thinking it is tiem to tell them, yet I have no idea how to approach this without them having me stay out of college for a quarter or taking all sharp objects away from me. I almost told them during Thanksgiving break but I wussed out. I am totally fine mentally and physically yet they will not believe that. If you have any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated.
~*Angela*~

I'm not sure everyone will agree with me, but I don't see why you need to tell your parents. They probably already know and are in denial anyway. If it's in the past and you don't do it anymore, than who cares? Why does it concern anyone?

bio

I've been in the advice column over five years now so I think I've pretty much heard it all... the love, the hate, the random insanity. I don't take it too seriously, so I'm not always giving the best advice, but my column is fun to read!

I am a 23 year old electrical engineer, a feminist, a Christian. I don't know everything but I can sure pretend to.

Disclaimer: Now that I'm on advicenators I'm getting even more questions every day. It's fast and easy for me to answer them, yes, so at least I'm answering something now, but if your question contains the words "there's this guy that I like..." chances are I won't get around to it. I'm only answering interesting questions that I haven't answered before. Register at the site and ask everyone for advice if you must have an answer, because if people read my column and boring love advice was all they found, they'd never come back.