My name is Marissa, and I am a sex advisor/educator. It is my life mission to help people to understand sex, pleasure, and relationships...as well as to help those who have been victims of sexual assault find their way back to sexual pleasure and positivity.
I have worked in this field for quite some time, and am a researcher as well. Please let me know if you have any questions, and I would be happy to dig in and help you find your pleasure! :)
Member Since: April 18, 2006
Answers: 32
Last Update: June 3, 2006
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karenR
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I have been dating this guy for almost 8 months now (a year and a half on and off) and I really love him. I have talked to my mom once before about birth control (once when we had been dating for 2 1/2 months, once when it was 5, then once again when it was 7.) It's nearly eight months now and I really wanna get on birth control. But my mom's scared that by doing it she's giving me permission to have sex and do whatever. I explained that if it arises, I just wanna be as protected as possible. I feel weird having to be the one to always bring it up, but I want answers now! My boyfriend is away in rehab for 2 months so I figured now would be a good time to bring it up. How can I talk to her about it and get her to see my side?
I rate high, thanks! (link)
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Ugh, what a tough situation. You're trying to be responsible, but your mom wants to keep you her little girl. I can see both sides of that.
However, the truth is that birth control is not a free pass toward sexual nirvana, and because you're on it doesn't mean that you're not still at-risk while being sexually active. Because your mom knows that, she's trying to shield you...unfortunately, she's not realizing that if it's important to you, you'll do it anyhow.
Some things to consider:
- Even if you're on the pill, you're still at-risk for contracting an STD. STDs can itch, burn, be uncomfortable, be given to other partners, and...can make you sterile. At your age, it's hard to imagine, but having unsafe sex can lead to you not being able to have children. It's a very real possibility...chlamydia is usually the culprit. Safer sex barriers are ALWAYS needed.
- Your boyfriend...is in rehab. That should give you a general idea of his headspace right now. Maybe making such mature decisions should be for a less voliatile time in his life, so that it doesn't effect YOUR life in a negative manner. Also, if he's in rehab for alcohol or drugs, the possibility is out there that he may have already had unsafe sex...which puts YOU at risk, unless you're using safer sex in conjunction with the pill.
Seeing both sides of it may help you to understand where your mom is coming from, and may ultimately help you to have this conversation again with her. Do know that, unfortunately, if she feels strongly about it, she won't take you. If you do decide to engage in sexual activities, PLEASE use safer sex barriers...condoms, dams, etc. It's not the pill, and it's not "birth control", but it's safety control.
Good luck, and please be safe!
Marissa
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ok i am 13 female and i am very mature for my age. i mean mentally and physically. when it comes to actually having sex i dont want to do it but i love to masturbate. i was wondering how do i control my "needs" to masturbate? if i was to get caught i would be in sooooo much trouble. so please help me contain my urges.
thanks in advance. i rate high for good answers. (link)
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Firstly, congratulations on being mature enough to realize that having sex is not right for you right now. That takes a lot of thought, and I admire that!
It seems to me that your household looks down on masturbation, as if it's unnatural. Nothing could be further from the truth. Masturbation is a healthy and normal part of self-exploration at your age, and I am saddened that you're in a household that makes you fearful when you explore. Shame should have no place in your healthy curiosity.
If masturbation is not impeding your ability to do your daily activites...go to school, talk and hang out with your friends, etc...then, there's no real need to curb or contain your urges. You are completely normal in wanting to masturbate.
Sometimes, though, masturbation, and those good feelings, make us feel like we're ready to take on more, that we're ready for more adult situations...and that can put you in a dangerous position. Because you have already stated that you're not ready for intercourse, I don't think that you're out of control. Does that make sense?
Enjoy yourself, and allow yourself pleasure. There's nothing wrong with it, and it's not dirty or shameful.
Take care,
Marissa
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Ok so I came out to my family and friends three years ago. I haven't "liked" any specific guys before or had crushed on them or thought they were hot or anything (like I look at pictures in magazines of naked guys and I think the photography is good and they look "nice" but I do that with girls too) and I always had "crushes" on girls and thought they were hot.
So last year I started dating a girl a year older than me (I was 18 and she was 19) and we used to get sexual and stuff but it never felt right. It would get really heated while we were having sex but I didn't like being with her like holding hands and stuff and didn't consider us a couple. Eventually we broke up because of it and I figured maybe we didn't have any chemistry.
So a few months ago, I met this chick and she's the same age as me (19) and we got to know each other and we started going out. The same thing happened to me only we didn't even have sex yet. It just didn't feel "right". I didn't feel like I should be with a woman.
I am so confused now. I'm a nineteen year old female and I'm not attracted to -anyone-. Is there something wrong with me? I'm not bi. I'm not straight. I'm not even gay. I don't understand. Is this just me? Because I want to be close to someone and be in a relationship but I don't feel like I should be with guys -or- girls! (link)
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This question is more common than you probably realize, and please know that you're not alone in your pursuit of how to identify yourself, sexually.
You have no reason to HAVE to be gay, straight, or bi...you know that, right? Just because it's simple for some people to say "I'm straight" or "I'm gay" doesn't mean that you're odd for not knowing. If anything, you're open to the possibility of whatever happens in life, and I think that at 18, that's an amazingly open-minded and mature place to be.
Having said that, I would want to ask you if there's any abuse or trauma in your past that may make it difficult to specify what turns you on, sexually? I have found that many people who are gender dysphoric (meaning, they don't identify with one gender or another, either in their personality, or in whom they are attracted to) have these same doubts and concerns.
If there has been trauma or abuse, counseling or therapy may be a truly beneficial outlet for you to discuss these matters. Really, even if there hasn't been abuse, sometimes a therapist can be a great person to bounce your feelings off of. There's no stigma attached to seeking help.
Please also know that there is no NEED to find out with whom you identify, sexually, on any timetable. Take your time, you have tons of it...sort your feelings out about your identity, and what makes YOU happy. It's hard to be in a relationship, either emotionally OR physically, when you don't know what you want.
It's also important to note that if are sexually attracted to women...there's nothing WRONG with that. Society, family...they may tell you there is, but it's YOUR choice who you love. Don't let those people tell you what's right or wrong...listen to your internal compass. That will let you know who is right for you, regardless of gender.
Good luck to you, and take your time in your pursuit of pleasure!
Marissa
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What is the average percent of females that actually DO cum? I know it's not a lot but I'm just curious. (link)
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Great question. Are you asking about those who achieve orgasm through intercourse? Or through masturbation, manual or oral stimulation? All of those answers will be different.
To clarify, roughly 80% of women can achieve orgasm during masturbation, depending on which study you choose to follow. Oral and manual stimulation depends on who is doing the stimulation, so there aren't any direct numbers. Orgasms during intercourse happen much less often...less than 20% of women report that they have actually had an orgasm during penetrative sexual intercourse.
So, if you're not experiencing orgasms during intercourse, know that you're in the MAJORITY on that. And, if your parter tries to make you think that it's YOUR fault because his past lovers have had orgasms that way...the past lovers were probably faking it. Don't let ANYONE make you feel that you're not normal because you don't have an orgasm during intercourse.
I hope that helps you, and know that there are MANY books out there on the subject of orgasm. Let me know if you'd like any suggestions.
Take care, and good luck on your pursuit of pleasure!
Marissa
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I think I masturabte tooo much...
Like I just discovered it 2 days ago
and I already did it about 4 times...
Is that normal? And plus after I do it
I feel like a total pervert for doing it
and it's weird, but hwen I'm doing it it feels sooo good. Im confusedddd (link)
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As was stated, if it's not hampering your ability to do your daily activities, then no, it's not too much.
Also, the part where you feel like a "pervert" is very normal. Girls are treated much differently than boys are regarding masturbation. For girls, when we're very young and start to experiment, we often get hand-slaps, and told that it's "dirty". When boys do it, they're taught to go in another room and do it in private. How far is THAT? :P
Seriously, I'm guessing that the feeling comes from either what you think society will think of you, or the lessons learned in your family structure. Either way, please know that masturbation is not only normal, but healthy.
Take care,
Marissa
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I had a question on here about a week ago. I had been raped and I wanted to be tighter again so I could feel like i was a virgin. Most people suggested I do kegels. I did kegels. The weird part is I think I got myself to tight? is that possible?
Id just like to kno because if sometime I do find the right guy, and maybe anytime soon I dont want it to hurt very badly. (link)
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I'm going to have to disagree with most of the posts here, save the one regarding Vaginismus, and making sure that you've fully moved through your rape.
You may truly be blocking some of what's happened, and further sexual activity may trigger some very upsetting and emotional memories for you. These triggers are often very draining and leave you emotionally fragile. Going through counseling or therapy can help you effectively deal with triggers, but it doesn't mean that you're ready to hop back into sexual activities.
You will make your own decisions, but know that it is VERY common for rape survivors to become over-sexed after their trauma, as a way to escape. This is one of the most common ways that survivors use to feel "wanted", and "in control" after their rape. Please know that you are putting yourself directly in the path of more pain and abuse if you choose that way of life for yourself, and please get yourself a support system to truly work through your rape recovery.
That being said...kegels CAN, indeed, be overdone. People have to understand that sometimes those who take on kegels decide that they're going to do a few HUNDRED in the first night, in pursuit of the "tightness" they're craving. Add to it the emotional nature of the kegels, and it can leave her feeling quite a bit of pain.
You've basically overworked your PC muscle, along with the other muscles of your pelvic floor. Take some time off. Do ten a day after that, no more.
Best of luck to you, I truly hope you find your road to coming to terms with what happened to you. It was not your fault, and you are a strong person for talking frankly about it. I hope you find the support you need.
Take care,
Marissa
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I'm eighteen years old, and female.
This morning, I just had anal sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I was allright during, and it was fully consentual, but now, several hours later, I can't shake this feeling of guilt.
My question is, is it common to feel guilty after a sexual act? If there's any advice that you can offer, I would appreciate it. I'm feeling ashamed of myself and I don't want to let my boyfriend touch me sexually ever again, and I really want things to be the same as they were before. (link)
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Anal sex is the final frontier, isn't it? We, as a society, have placed such a taboo on the subject, that it's a wonder anyone talks about it at all. Congrats on being able to converse about what happened.
We do sometimes have remorse about our sexual activities, which has a lot to do with our upbringing, and social standards. It's hard to shed those things, and they stick with you throughout your life.
You need to know that, in the pursuit of your own sexual pleasure, that YOU are the one who gets to decide what is right for you, and what is not. If this was consentual, and you didn't feel right about it afterward, don't do it again.
What I don't understand is, if it was consentual, why do you not want your boyfriend to touch you sexually ever again? Did he pressure you to do this? If so, then you have some communicating to do. If not, then you need to do some introspection on why you would push him away sexually if he did nothing wrong. Dig into your past, what would make you have that sort of reaction? Shame is something that is usually put on us by either upbringing or society, that's probably a good place to start looking.
Either way, I hope that you find a way to be with your parnter again, if that is what you truly want. I wish you the best in your pursuit of pleasure!
Good luck,
Marissa
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okay so if someone is pregnant can they have sex? like during the first few months?
or do they have to wait till after they have there baby and the doctor gives them an a-okay?? (link)
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Can you? If you are not in a high-risk pregnancy, then you should be able to, yes.
I would ask your doctor, but ob/gyns say that you can have sex well into your third trimester, as long as your pregnancy is proceeding normally.
To dispell some worries for you:
Intercourse will not cause miscarriage. The two are completely separate events.
Orgasms will not cause premature labor. Again, orgasm and contractions are two different events.
Intercourse does not harm the fetus. Your partner's penis doesn't physically contact the fetus, which is well protected by your abdomen and the amniotic fluid in your uterus. The mucus plug in your cervix blocks the sperm up to the third trimester, so you're safe there.
As a note, being on your back during intercourse in the third trimester may make you feel quite ill, because it may cause too much pressure on the veins in the back of your abdomen. I'd avoid that position toward the end.
Also, just because you're pregnant doesn't mean that you shouldn't use safer sex supplies. STDs cause more issues for fetuses than intercourse itself ever will. Keep your baby safe in utero...use barriers.
After deliver, the average from the doctors I talked to is about six weeks before resuming penetrative sex.
I hope that helps. Congratulations, and I hope you find your pleasure during this exciting time!
Marissa
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Hey my name is Rachel and iam 17 years old and my boyfriend asked me to have sex and I love him and i know iam ready but the thing is what should I tell my mom? (link)
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What a mature question...I'm glad that you feel that you have such a strong bond with your mom that it's not a question to you of whether you will or won't tell her...but HOW to tell her. I applaud you for that.
You're 17. By this point, our parents have instilled as much as they can for us on how to be responsible adults. I don't think that you need to seek her approval, because your sexual activites are your choice. However, perhaps asking her advice on safer sex methods, or having a frank discussion about where you are at in your relationship would be good places to start.
Be prepared for her not to be thrilled. She may surprise you, either way...but know that the ultimate decision lies in you. If you feel that this is the one that you want to remember forever, this is the person who deserves this honor, then you will do it regardless of what your mother's opinion is. However, I hope that she will respect that her opinion matters to you...too often nowadays, someone your age won't even approach that conversation. It says a lot about both you and your mom, and I really do admire it.
I hope that your mom is supportive, and I truly hope that your first time is something that you will look back on and treasure for the rest of your life. You deserve it.
Take care -
Marissa
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okay well i was wondering if it hurt the first time you have sex.. i kno im not ready to do it but i was just curious. I dont kno if it wil hurt me because i dont know if i tore my "hymen"... i read on coolnurse.com that you can break your hymen by doing things such as horseback riding, inserting tampons, or while masturbating. i do all three of those examples... i use tampons whenever i get my period and i have been riding horses almost everyday since i was 6.. how do i kno that i have torn my hymen??? i was justtt wonderin (link)
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Great question -
Yes, the first time you have sex, breaking the hymen can be painful. However, you are right that by the time most girls have sex for the first time, the hymen is usually broken by some other event. (Riding a bike, horseback riding, sure...those things could do it.)
Let me give you a breakdown of what happens when penetrative sex happens for the first time. I want to de-mystify things a bit for you, since it really does sound pretty scary. You're doing this for the first time, and things are BREAKING...that doesn't sound good, does it? :P
They hymen is a small flap of tissue that forms a barrier in the vaginal canal. It is different thicknesses for each woman, but most are pretty thin membranes. When most hymens break, there's little to no blood. Yes, if you've used a tampon, the likelyhood is that your hymen has been broken.
However, that's not to say that the first time you have sex will or won't be painful. What many people describe as pain during their first time may be the fact that their partner is bigger than they are able to accomodate without experience. It may be that they are not properly lubricated, which can cause tearing of vaginal tissue...which can bleed. (Incidentally, this is often confused with the hymen breaking.)
The truth is, before you have sexual intercourse, you should know what you're able to handle. This is not a decision to be made lightly, and doing some self-exploration can help you to know your body a bit better. How many fingers you're comfortable being penetrated by before ever having sex is a good thing to know about yourself. That way, if you find yourself in a situation with a partner who is far bigger than you know you can handle, you can make a health decision for your body.
On a personal note, please treat your first time as something you'll remember forever...because you will. Make sure it's special, make sure you're SAFE (both physically AND with safer sex barriers), and please make sure that you're emotionally ready. No one should ever pressure you into it, and even if you do want to do it...make sure you think about it before you lose control in a rush of pleasure. It's hard to think with your clothes off.
Best of luck, be careful, and be well -
Marissa
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Me and my boyfriend have sex. But whenever we do, he can only last like 2-5 mins. He has no idea why. Before with his ex he said he used to be able to last like 20 mins+. Is there anything that he or I can do to make him last longer? (link)
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Eager ejaculation is a very common issue, and there are definitely ways to overcome (ha!) this phenomenon. :)
First, here are some things NOT to do:
- Do not look to alcohol to slow ejaculation. While it can produce the desired effect, it can also make it very difficult for your parter to get an erection in the first place. Heck, why not be sober for your pleasure?
- Don't stop touching your partner, thinking that will help. What's the point of having sexual contact if...you're not having sexual contact? How frustrating to stop in the middle...there are better approaches.
- Guys...don't try the multiplication table, or any other disassociative tricks to take your mind off of the situation. Why on EARTH would you want to take your mind off of SEXUAL PLEASURE? Silly. :P
Now that we have those out of the way, here are some things that you CAN do.
- No one says that you just have to have one orgasm! Lucky you! Masturbation before partnered sex can be very helpful to longevity.
- Guys...read some books on male multiple orgasm. Yes, I said MALE multiple orgasm. Never heard of it? Guess what? Guys can actually orgasm...WITHOUT ejaculation! The lovely side effect of that phenomenon is that they continue to be erect, but the intensity of the orgasm backs off, allowing them to rev up again...while maintaining hardness. Wild!
Recommended reading: The Multi-Orgasmic Man: How Any Man Can Experience Multiple Orgasms and Dramatically Enhance His Sexual Relationship by Chia and Arava.
There are also erection, or "cock" rings, which will trap the blood in the penis, which makes for a harder and more sensitive erection. I don't mention this first, like many would, because it can sometimes have the reverse effect. Some men find that all of that blood trapped in their penis makes them VERY sensitive, which actually hurries along ejaculation. It's all very much an individual choice.
The fun part is that it's all experimentation. Don't like that he gets off too fast? After he has his first orgasm, keep going...take a breather, slow things down a bit, and then start back up again. Experiment with multiple orgasms, erection rings, or early masturbation to see which techniques work for you. I can think of worse ways to spend a day, couldn't you?
One more bit of advice...this is obviously a sensitive and embarassing issue for men. Playing the blame game, or giving him flack for it, will only make it worse. Be encouraging, and let him know that you're a partner on the path to a prolonged erection...he'll thank you in great ways, I'm sure. :)
Good luck!
Marissa
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Ive been raped before and everytime im with a guy i get flashbacks. its been about 10 years since this has happened but im still scared its gonna happen again. how can i get over the feeling? (link)
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What a brave question, and I'm glad you asked it. You're a survivor of a very traumatic experience, and there are certain things that will "trigger" very emotional responses. It makes complete sense that sexual situations are triggers back to that trauma.
I would have some questions for you before delving any deeper. How long have you been with this partner? Is this a committed relationship? Does your partner know that you are a rape survivor?
Also...have you been through any therapy? Many survivors of abuse find that they cannot get past many of the triggers associated with rape and abuse without first accepting and dealing with what happened. You may be blocking parts of your experience, which I am sure was horrific...and you may not be able to get past this until you've truly dealt with every aspect of your trauma.
No one gets over rape. It will be a part of who you are...but it does not have to define you. If your partner doesn't know, it may be time to tell him or her. If your partner does know, then you need to be sure to be able to tell your partner that this is triggering you, and that you need to stop, for the sake of your own emotional health.
However, if you've been through therapy, and you're looking for ways to come back to a sexually positive feeling about sex, I would suggest reading "The Survivor's Guide to Sex". It is an AMAZING book that finally goes past the "It's ok to say no to sex" advice from therapists, to really "It's ok to say yes to sex and pleasure", which is much harder. It's a wonderful book, and it would be a really insightful book for your partner to read as well.
Good luck with everything...by talking about your abuse, you are progressing. You're tougher than you know, and you'll get through this. Find your support network, get help, and please know that it was not your fault...and that you deserve love and pleasure.
Take care,
Marissa
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