Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 84180
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I need to buy 5 college textbooks. Where can I find the cheapest ones? Either online, or in stores? Also, where can i find out the exact texbook i need for the courses I am taking?
Thank You (link)
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I have had this same problem, but gone are the days where I will pay full price for a text book.
The best sight I have found, and the cheapest is
www.abebooks.com
You can also try www.Amazon.com
When they send you the course syllabus the books that are required should also be listed. You need the ISBN numbers for each book. Then when you go to the abebook site or amazon, you can search on the ISBN number. You must make sure that you are getting the correct year and the correct edition. Many textbooks are reprinted up to 10 times or more. So if the course required the 10th edition, published in 2006. the ISBN number will be unique to that edition. Also many text books have an INTERNATIONAL EDITION.
And they are cheaper, and in MOST cases, they will do. Where you run into problems is when a text book comes with a CD that allows on-line interaction with the publishers website. Some professors use those sites, some do not. Many used books will not come with the CD, or the CD has already been registered and you can't register it again.
Most professors will tell you in their course syllabus whether or not the text comes with a CD and whether or not you will need the CD for the course.
Later when the course is over, I have had good luck listing my text books for sale on AMazon.com
So you might want to look into that when your courses are over.
Good luck to you
Michele
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Hey Guys-- Things are a mess right now and I could really use some advise.
My long-term boyfriend and I (of almost 4 years) seperated in early june and just started seeing eachother again last week. During that seperation, I began seeing another guy who was really wonderful, but I just couldn't get over my ex.
Now that me and my boyfriend are back together things are going extremely well and we're falling in love with eachother all over again...
But here's where it gets interesting...I just found out that I'm pregnant...and it MUST belong to the guy I was seeing when my BF and I were seperated. I have no idea what to do...I can't have an abortion (well, I won't have an abortion) but I don't know if my boyfriend would stay with me knowing that I'm carrying another man's child.
Any advise (ANY AT ALL) is appreciated. Thanks in advance. (link)
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Ok, so we have to bring this problem down to it's lowest common denominator. That you won't have an abortion. So bottom line, you are going to have this baby. and you are prepared to deal with loosing your current boyfriend, that you have just gotten back together with. And just to be sure, you are certain that loosing him would be less traumatic and less haunting to you for the rest of your life, than if you had an abortion. And that is fine. I am not judging you, I am just being practical at this point.
And listen, your reverance for life may be one of the reasons that your boyfriend cares about you so much.
So here is the next question. Do you plan to keep the baby? Because if you do, then you need to notify the boy who could be the father. Because if you need help supporting the child, he is required by laws in every state that I can think of, to help you out financially. (Don't feel sorry for him, this is something all guys (and girls) are supposed to learn long before they turn 20)
If you plan to give the baby up for adoption, then you most likely still should tell the father, but that will probably be OK with him too. You would both sign away your parental rights. And hey adoption is a great option. And I am sure that a great home can be found for the child.
If you plan to give the baby up for adoption, your boyfriend maybe OK with that. And God bless him if he sticks with you through out the whole 9 months. Then he is a keeper. A kind and generous soul that any girl would be lucky to have.
Well, you know him better than anyone, you must have some kind of idea how he may react to this.
I hope he will be kind.
If you decide to keep the baby, you have to be prepared for the other man who may want to be involved in the childs life. He may even want you back. Wow, this could get very complicated.
It is time to dive in, and say hey, this is my body, this is my kid, and I am going to make the decisions about what is going to happen, and either you are with me, or your not.
This is not time to think about "what if" on your part or the boyfriend, or the father. YOu do hold all the cards. Everything that happens from this point on is up to you. Except that you cannot control how the others will react, you can maintain control over what happens to you and the baby. So keep that in mind, and stand your ground. If you are not looking to the "guys" to make the decision, and have signed on to the fact that this is not going to be easy, and you are up for it......your positive and take charge attitude will help them deal with it. Deal with it the right way, in being supportive. And hey, say that is all I want: "your support....not your blessings, or your agreement, or your advice. Just your support."
You are doing the right thing honey. Good luck to you.
Michele
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Ok it seems that all my parents care is getting me to university.
There's these 4 things our teacher said we can go to: college, university, aprenticeship, and some other thing.
They say that depends on what you want to be is whether you go to university, college, etc but my dad keeps saying that university is for everything and that university are for the smarter peolple. is that true?
They don't even think about it at all, it doesn't matter what i want to be or not, all they care is getting me into a university.
I mean im the smartest in my class but I can't help but wonder, why university?
I'm about to enter high shcool is year and the stress of abandoning my friends were enough but then Im scared of entering high shcool, even though everyone says i'll do fine with my brain.
But eventually, everyone will crack at some point in high shcool. Even i did a couple of times this year. There's just no breaks! And then after you graduate high shcool you enter one of those four things for how many years! I want to be in the medical field so there will be no rest in what i have to work for and I'll be trapped in school for like 20 years! I'm very obsessed with cleaness and don't like living in apartments where other peope used to live before.
I don't know why i'm so stressed but can't you be super successful without going to university?
I mean, Ijust want a quick way out but be successful at the same time.
Ever since i was small, I imagined myself setting down in a family at a very young age
like probably 22, a house wife with kids and on some days work at soemthing medical while still shopping and hanging out with my friends, have money and finally use them in my own ways instead of my parents holding me down on what I want to buy, and just having a free life but successful at a yougn and early age and still look great or decent.
But going to university for medical reasons will make me come out really old and I won't be able to have a lot of kids or else it would make people see me as un professional and probably a slut for having a baby while i'm a doctor, a very clean reputative career.
I don't know why I'm writing this cuz it may seem far away but not really.
And some of you might say, why can't you choose a different carreer? Well i think it's because being somethign medical is the only or one of the most wise jobs to be cuz you can be a computer programer or a singer but it's really useless. You can live without listening to others sing with cds and things and you can certainly live WITHOUT a computer but in the medical feilds you can actually save a life. Can you save someone from music? It may really make you feel better but it won't heal you from dying.
Does anyone have opinions to share? any things that you agree on? I want to see if there's even a chance my dream future can happen and stay on reality instead of day dream land and get a grip on myself.
Maybe I'm holding onto such a high standard for myself?
Maybe i just want to acheive a very high goal yet still look good? Maybe I'm Vain? Maybe I'm selfish? (link)
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I think your questions are very good ones, and normal for a girl your age. They show that you are still very young and haven't matured yet. But that is OK. It seems that your folks are putting a lot of pressure on you. And that is causing your anxiety. It really is too early to be worrying about these things. You still have high school to go through. And thinking about hanging with your fiends and going shopping and having control of your money....well yes, all those things are going to happen, but they won't be the focus of your life. Like they are now. Having all this time to hang out with friends and shop and stuff is a luxury and it is because you have no adult responsibilities yet.
Once you become an adult, whether or not you go to university, or become a doctor or a housewife. YOu and all of your friends will have full days with work and family and responsibilities, and not as much time to hang out together. But that is normal. That is what life is like when you become an adult. But not to worry. You will fall into it, and be just fine.
Wanting to be a doctor is a wonderful thing. And so would being a nurse. but these are things to keep in the back of your mind while you go through High School. Being smart and getting good grades, that is your job right now. The better your grades, the more choices you will have when you are ready for college.
And no, you won't be considered old, when you graduate from college. Only 13 year olds think that people in their twenty's are OLD. But really your twenties can be a great time in your life, when you are finally in control of your own life.
Your obsession with cleanliness could be a problem. I mean you say you want kids, well guess what, kids are messy. Can't help it, they just are. It is fine to want to be clean, and keep yourself clean and avoid messes.....but that is how you feel about yourself. You cannot expect another person, or your loved ones to place the same emphasis on cleanliness that you do. Of course you can FORCE them, but then that would be like being forced by your parents to attend university, when you don't want to go.
I hope this helps give you some insight into your feelings about the future. It is okay to have questions and be concerned about it. Is it hard you ask. Well it would certainly seem hard to a young girl who hasn't learned all that she needs to yet to be an adult and take on the responsibilities that go along with that. But you will learn more and more each year. And not just in school, but in every day life with your friends and family.
Good luck to you dear.
Michele
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hi i am a 14/f who weighs about 200 i am about 5'5
what should my appropriate weight be for my height?
also what exercises would be good
running isn't the best for me because my neighborhood isn't so safe :)
thank you!!
-keisha lynn (link)
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There are sooo many websites that you can go to and get advice and help with a weight problem.
Calculate your BMI at this website
http://www.caloriecontrol.org/bmi.html
then check out the free advice on calorie intake and exercise. About.com is another website that has great information about calorie intake and
exercise. It is good that you are starting young to take better care of yourself. It gets much harder when you are older.
Good luck to you dear
Michele
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i know they say that everyone's face isn't symmetrical but mine is totally off the chart. my right face buldges outward and is really noticable so i'm not just talking about a crooked nose or anything,it's like two totally different ppl in one face,even my right eye is bigger.so do you guys have any suggestions on what to do? (link)
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Well to me this sounds like a medical problem. Have you ruled that out? Are you sure that there is not a cysts or tumor on one side of your face? That would be my first guess. The fact that your right eye is bigger gives me a clue that it could be something under your skin.
Because if you look at anatomical pictures of the face, which I am sure you could find some on the internet. There are a LOT of muscles, but they are the same on both sides. There is no reason for the muscles, which give your face it's shape. To be different on one side, over the other. If you have exhausted all medical reaons, I would like to know what has been ruled out then I could do more research.
If you want to leave a personal question in my in box, I will be glad to do that for you.
Michele
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I would like to know if anyone here knows of any ska bands that sound similar to Reel Big Fish. They are my favorite ska band but I cant find any that really sound like them. All help appreciated...please don't flame me! (link)
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Go to this website www.pandora.com
It is like an on-line radio.
It is really the music Genome Project.
In the search window type in the name of the band that you like, Reel Big Fish
The music project will play a song by them, and then will play songs that the computer thinks are similar bands, and they will give you the names of those bands. You can listen for hours. You can write down the names of the bands that the genome project offers and see if you agree that they sound like Reel Big Fish.
Michele
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F/15
okay well im a virgin and ive barley had my first kiss. and theres this guy who i really like and we havent meet. he lives in jersey. but anyway movining on. we were talking and he asked how far i would go with him. and i dont know how far i would go. mainly because ive never made out with anyone and im really idk i feel awkard talking about it but i was just wondering how far is too far for my first hook up?
thanks. (link)
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A gentleman wouldn't ask you these questions. If this is someone you are talking to over the internet, and that you have never met, he may not actually be a boy from New Jersey. He could be a perverted old man. Sure you can meet young people over the internet, buy do you think it is OK for him to be asking about having sex with you, before he even meets you. I don't think so. There is too great a chance that this is a pervert and not a teenager.
In any event, you probably don't believe me, but at least try this.
You said you weren't comfortable talking about it, and that is what you should tell him, and tell him that you don't want him to mention it again. Then if he stops talking to you on-line then you know he was only interested in one thing....SEX, and you'll be better off without him. Take care,
Michele
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Ok so im senior and i play football for my highschool. This summer during the off season there were workouts at the school 2 times a week..it was optional but alot of players went. Well i didnt go to any of those workouts or team camp. I had to work at a job i already committed to..and i was goin through some personal issues with my fam. It really brought me down. So today..the coach sat me down..and told me..i was not in good physical shape and that i was not quick on the field. He also told me he was dissappointed in me and said that i would not be starter. I was really shocked..i didnt think i did that bad at practice. What do you think hes trying to do and what should i do? (link)
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The coach is looking for guys that want to eat, sleep and dream about football 24/7. He's very driven. Sometimes that is not a good thing. He probably has a lot of kids on the team who are "dedicated" enough to make him happy, so he doesn't have to settle for kids who are not 110% committed.
You didn't do anything wrong. And you have to set your own priorities. I don't think it is football, or you would have made the necessary changes that you had to make to be there. Your family also would have made sure that you were able to dedicate yourself to football, and nothing else. YOu know "sports parents". Maybe that is not what your life is turning out to be. You may not be destined for a life in sports, and maybe you can go on to college and find something that you can be passionate about. Like the HS coach is passionate about football.
So you can work real hard at it, and get in shape in a couple of weeks. I guess what I am trying to say is that you can turn this around if you want too, and if you make the effort, he will notice. Ultimately it is up to you, and yes I know it is hard to make these decisions because we can't see the future. Just make the best of whatever your decision turns out to be.
GOod luck to you
Michele
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I just got married, and I'm a virgin. and me and my husband we're trying to have sex, but i cudn't let him in. it really hurt. i know people say it hurts the first time, but this is ridiculous. lol
is there any way to make it less painful? (link)
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I would suggest that you plan an intimate evening. That will help to relax you. Some soft music and lots of kissing and hugging and just being together. Laughing and enjoying each other.
You should also have on hand some KY Jelly. This is a vaginal lubricant. It is clear and had no odor and is used extensively. It also comes scented if you like. You would use the lubricant on his penis before he inserts it.
You could also try massaging each other to relax both of you. You have to imagine that even though a vagina is small, it is designed to stretch. Because your vagaina doubles as the birth canal when you have a baby. So if a baby can fit, most men could fit.
It could just be your nervousness that is preventing you from enjoying yourselves. Please give it another try. If it still seems impossible, then you may need to see an OB/GYN to make sure that there is nothing physically wrong.
Good luck to both of you.
Michele
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I am entering my first year of university at a Canadian university this year. I want to major in International Relations, and go on to take a masters degree in the same subject. I've always had an obsession with Finland--the society, politics, the people--it fascinates me. My dream job would be to be the Canadian ambassador to Finland.
So would it be more beneficial for me to take my masters degree at a Canadian/American university, or at a Finnish one? Which one would help my career more? (link)
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Well, the more you know about Findland, the more likely that you would be asked to be an ambassador. But you know that Ambassadorialships are appointed by the leader of your country. I think you have to be in politics for a long time, and make political connections in order to be considered for an ambasadorial position. Majoring in International Relations is a good start. You would also want to take course in International Business, Globalization, World Finance. You might want to work for a non profit like the UN or OXFAM. And make a name for yourself. I suggest you get hold of a copy of THE ECONOMIST Magazine. That magazine has worldwide distribution. IN it are ads for positions all over the world. Many of them are for foreign governments. It will give you an idea of what governments are looking for as far as education experience. There are also some advertisments from universities from developed nations. It could help you made decisions on what your next move should be. Good luck to you, your choice of a career sounds very exciting.
Michele
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I have a stepdad, him and my mom have known each other for about 5 years, and they married each other in October 2004. Don't get me wrong, I like him. Except for the fact that he's super stubborn and always complains about everything. He pays no attention to my dog Daisy, and always goes 'DAISY GET OUT OF HERE' when there's food around because like all dogs, she'll hang around and wait for food to fall on the floor. And she immediately runs to her cage, almost like she's scared of him. Even his friends wives have told my mom about how he treats her like sh*t and doesn't seem to care. He works hard to provide for our family, he works from 9 in the morning to 10/11 at night. I am grateful for how much he does for our family, but now my question reflects on the relationship I have with him.
For some reason, he never seems to 'believe me'. A few months back, I accidentally pushed my foot against my headboard when I was lying down on my stomach on my bed watching TV, and my headboard snapped and fell behind my bed. Even I was surprised, because there are like 12 nails lying there, and I didn't even push that hard! I'm guessing that it's just cheap wood.
Well, today's Saturday, and my mom works on Saturday mornings and he's home on Saturdays. He just went to buy nails because my headboard is /yet/ to be fixed after I've asked him for about 5 months. And it's always like when we ask him to do something, he starts complaining about it. Even the simplest thing like changing my half brother's diaper (I consider him my full brother since I love him dearly), and my stepdad's like 'no, I'm tired.. blah blah blah' and my mom ends up doing it, even after she comes back from her job (she's a waitress, and she's on her feet constantly), or I end up doing it.
Sorry for the long question, but here is my final question. I know that he is stressed out, but why does he take it out on me? Like I said, before he went to buy nails, he goes "I went to look at your bed and I understand if there was like 5 nails, but there are 12 nails there. How hard did you push it?" and he sounded mad.. and I go "Well, not that hard, I already told you, I don't know why it snapped like that. I promise I didn't push that hard." and he goes "Yeah, whatever." and walks away.
Why is he so rude? What did I do? Accidents happen. It's not like I did it on purpose! When he doesn't believe me for stupid things, I almost feel like crying because I feel like I did something wrong. I mean, we're still close and we talk, but sometimes it feels like we're strangers to each other whenever my mom isn't around. My mom also got this Honor Roll student bumper sticker from my enrollment thing at school a few days ago and put it on the part of the car where the paint is, and my stepdad like blew up. It was weird.. In my head I was thinking "It's not like she knew.. you don't have to bitch about it." He makes a big deal out of the silliest things!
I try to do everything to make him proud of me. I watch my brother constantly, I help out around the house, I try to get awesome grades to impress him. I get a pat on the back and my mom is like standing there all like "My daughter is so smart! I'm so proud of you!" (lol). That's another instance in which I like my mom better than him. She gives me sympathy when I need it and encourages me, but I've never seen any sympathy from him or like any emotion.
Why does he hate me? (link)
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I understand how you feel dear. I was married for a second time after I divorced my son's dad, and they didn't like him. He didn't like them, and didn't try to hide it. Oh he (the step dad) was wonderful before we married, but after.....he wasn't.
I tried everything and nothing worked. We even ended up in therapy.
What I finally figured out though was that he was (is) a very unhappy person. Full of self-hatred. I think this is your step dad's problem. I mean it is great that he works hard and supports your family, but your mom works hard too. And she can manage to be happy. Some people would just rather be miserable. They blame all their problems on other people. What happened to your bed was an accident. You didn't do it deliberatly. The fact that he won't change his own son's diaper shows that he is selfish. He also has a problem with mistakes. He thinks people should be perfect and not make mistakes, He tries hard himself never to make any mistakes, oh and when he does, he's got an excuse as to why it isn't his fault (right?!?!)
I'll also bet that he had a hard childhood and was raised by parents that always found fault with him and never thought he could do anything right. Men like this resent it when their children and especially their step children are raised in a more loving and patient way. They think that their wife is being to easy on the kids and they'll grow up to be less than perfect and make mistakes. Well that is what life is all about. we all make them. Can't avoid it. Part of life, all natural.......
He takes things mostly out on the dog, because she is a dumb animal and can't complain, and your mom may not get as upset with him yelling at the dog. But let him try that with one of you kids, I'll bet she'll get on his case if it becomes an every day occurance. I hope it does not.
Bottom line is, your mom must be relieved that she has some financial help and support, so she is not likely to get rid of him. You are right to be bothered by his meaness and lack of enthusiasm for your good grades and good behavior. It really sucks. The people in your life are supposed to love you and support you and be enthusiastic about your accomplishments.
You know, one thing these guys like is praise and compliments themselves. Find something you like about him and tell him. Praise something that he did, or fixed or made. Tell him you think it's awesome that he did that. Be sure and thank him a lot. And if you can work it in without sounding corney or phoney, tell him that you are glad that you mom married him. That goes right to his ego, and he will think much more of you after that, and it may turn out that he will be much nicer.
I know it's kind of manipulative, but hey, you didn't ask for this, and it's one way of dealing with it, that could turn out to be good for you.
IN the end, yOu may have to stick this out until you are old enough to leave. Becase adults have all the power, and you are not an adult yet. Just be respectful and fair. A normal adult could not ask for more than that. Remember that it is not you. It is him. Your mom will realize it some day and maybe will lay down the law and show him the door if he doesn't change. I wish you all the luck in the world honey. Get smart and get a good education and some employable skills so you can leave and be on your own as soon as you are 18.
Michele
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hi Michele,
thank you for taking the time to answe my question....
i am female. and my dad is Saudi Arabian. so technically i am too since we take after our dads. my mum and he moved to canada before i was born.
ok heres my west vs east problem:
i am so confused because as soon as i step out of the house everything is different. sometimes i feel like i am double faced. its not that i am one person here and another there. its just that i understand -perhaps more than mum and dad- how things work here in toranto, whereas at home i say yes and no to almost everything they want me to without questioning why. if i do (cause sometimes i really don't get it while my sibs get it instantly) they tend to make feel like an idiot or yell at me saying i am really capable of corruption. that includes their opinion about my "sinful" friends ( i understand that so many things that is ok with friends here don't go with our culture, granted, but it doesn't mean i can't befriend them. i have values and they respect that) so i don't see why mum and dad make my life a living hell at 23! (i feel like a 16 year old fighting for curfew) i know they worry that my judgment my get blurred. but i am by nature stubborn. if i know there is nothing wrong with something i will do it despite what they say... and they should understand that they raised me as best they could and that the world is not all evil (they don't allow me to go out alone i have to have someone with me at all times even for walks...) again as i said. i am stubborn. and i've had it with years of me not being able to do things like go to a play or dinner with friends when its dark... i did it once behind their backs and it backfired (i told my mum) and she went hysterical and that got me into sooooo much trouble (my mum says i will cause the shame of my father one day, that our reputation will deteriorate through me) ... again what is wrong with going out for dinner with frineds!!! if i do by a miracle get a chance to go... my dad makes sure i have a hell of a time by yelling at me or making me feel like crap before i go (in a way its a tactic to ensure that i have a bad time and i stop asking) ....
it really bothers me....i made another mistake when i am 17... we moved cities and i was a freshman in college. well it was a bit awkward since all of them had a dozen of boyfriends and went out on dates and stuff. whereas i have barely any experience with guys except those who are my friends (and my parents don't know of)... so i made up a lie about braking up with this guy so i don't look like an idiot. and i snuck out one night to go to this party were i had a glass of rum (the first and last drink i ever had) i went into my own guilt trip and still do today.... i know its stupid of me what i've done, when supposedly i should defend my background and stuff. but not to be argumentative i didn't want people to think i had some kind of complex or something since i've never been with a guy. and second i was so mad at my sister because she has been trying to look good on my expense.... it was a bad night to rebel i admit... nothing happend out of the ordinary.. but in context of conservative saudi society i have done the next best thing to the ultimate. i don't know what to do... its still haunting me today ... and my mum (though she knows nothing about it) makes me feel so bad, bad everyday i am conscious. what should i do to step back into the safe zone of my culture? i am afraid its too late :s
i am pretty educated when it comes to islam too, and we come from a sect that is very logical and says nothing of this nonsense on the news about blood shed and so forth... though despite that alot of the rules at home is, i believe, a question of heritage and culture instead of religion.... i am not sure what to do. i am not good with heart to heart talks with my parents (dad has a bad temper) and because they think i am a fool. i am too emotional. and to illogical.
i envy all my friends who have a good connection with their parents (arabs or not) i even had a huge fight with a friend because she was so close to her mum she'd tell her everything (like how we always hand out with our good guy friends) and eventually her mum told my mum and my mum thought i had a secret boyfriend and threatened to tell my dad(i fear she hears about my lie and won't believe me about it then) i am sure all mums have a thing or two in common right? but how come she panics so much.... none of my sibs have a good relationship with her... the only ones who SHE thinks she is close to are my brothers...
:S she's very superstitous too.. and she thinks that i am an easy target for evil eyes and bad curses or whatever... so its kind of hard talking to her like other kids do.... i really really need to redeem myself and express to her how sorry i am for doing things i shouldn't have (i can't tell her tough she'll go crazyyy) ahhh i really don't know what to do.... it's the fear towards them that makes me avoid confrontation. i mean i can't change.... and i can't exactly not change because that will change all the dynamics as you pointed (no higher education for me)... i am not part of the standard definition of "beauty" back in saudi either, so getting married isn't an option... eventually i'll have to go back and get married there. prospects of that are a bit dim since i am a freelance photographer and my work isn't really that accepted at home :S sometimes i think that is what bothers mum... that i am not like my baby sister eager to get married but too timid to say so and just pretends to be looking after a career for now until "he" comes......( perfect rapper for the perfect wife) ahhh why is my culture so different than my religion.... i am sorry this is so long :S i am just super super confused and i feel so bad about the lies i made in freshman.... (link)
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HI dear, I am glad that you left another question, and I will try to help. You gave me a clue when you said that your mom was supersitious and worried about the evil eye and stuff. This is important. I have known people who believed in this stuff. It is very very hard to convince them otherwise. This is a major part of your difficulty with your family. They are very old fashioned (we say here) and it has worked for them, and they want the same for you.
The problem is that the people that your folks are friendly with, will turn their backs on them if you embarrass them. Even holding hands with a man will bring great shame to the family. (I know that you already know this.) (and I don't agree.) But if your folks feel that is does, and believe me their "friends" will loose no opportunity to make them feel ostracized. And they will blame your parents for not bringing you up right. And your parents will blame you. They are working very hard, and are very hard on you, because they want to avoid this at all costs. In Saudi Arabia, I don't think I have to tell you what would happen, if this were to occur while you were living there. Well that said, how do you gain back their trust. And I agree with you, it is not the religion it is the customs. And many of them have developed due to the Saudi society, inspite of the religion of Islam.
So my suggestion is that you talk to them about how much you respect the RELIGION of ISLAM without saying that you respect the customs of your society. I am thinking that they won't know the difference. And you did tell me that you do agree with many of the edicts of the Islamic religion. The rules and customs. And that is great, so you wouldn't be lieing. Because they are less educated than you are, they (hopefully) will believe that your embracing the religion of ISLAM is the same as embracing their customs. While I believe you when you say that you are not going to jeopardize your relationship with your parents by doing something unacceptable again, you just want to gain back their trust. So I believe that showing them in whatever way you can, that you do embrace Islam will alleviate their fears. It will show that you respect them and understand them. I know it will feel awkward at first, but in time, your mom will grow to trust you more. It is ok to tell her that you understand that they do not want to loose their place in society, and you have no intentions of jeopardizing that.
Please do not tell them about the things you did when you were a freshman, no harm came of it and what they don't know won't hurt them. You do not ever have to tell anyone. Please it won't go well for you. Keep it to yourself. Really you did nothing wrong. It is normal to be curious and to want more freedom when you see it all around you. I suspect that your sister will want more as she gets older too. If you were living in Saudi Arabia you would have more friends that would be in the same sitatuation as you are. And there wouldn't be any thoughts of wanting more freedom because all of society in Saudi would be against you. I hope that when and if you do get married that you can come back to CANADA and work in your chosen field of photography and raise your kids there. Do you think you would raise your girls differently? I mean it is OK to expect your girls to behave and to have respect for the parents and to not date or anything and wait for their parents to choose their husband, BUT would you be more trusting? Could you be? Would the group of people, family, relatives, etc, allow you to be more liberal with your girls? This is something to think about.
I know that we women have more freedom in this country and in Canada, but I can't say that it has turned out well for all of us. I am not saying that Saudi society has the right answers either, but somewhere in there, there is a happt medium. As far as a better relationship with your mom, well I wish I had one with my mom too. She is 80 years old and we still have problems. Some people just don't change. But trying thinking about things from her point of view. Which will never change. You can be flexible, and I see that you already are. She cannot be. She has everything to loose. You think it is silly.
How can you ensure that when you are a married woman and mother, that you and your family won't be in the same situation. Maybe you can't.
I hope this helped and please write again if you like. I will be more than happy to answer you.
Michele
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I just got a guinea pig from petsmart today. They said I could hold it and pet it. But when she got home I tried to pick her up but she had her claws out and was scratching me. I put her back down. When I try to pick her up will she claw me, then get calm? Because I want to hold her. Please give me some advice! If she stays mean I'll just leave her in her cage and leave her be, but it will be sad to know that I wasted $113.oo on her, the food and the cage!! (link)
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Give her time to get used to you. When she realizes that you are the source of food, she will be more friendly towards you. First let her get used to having your hand in the cage with food in it. Be patient. You have to be patient with all pets. Don't give up, then she will stay mean.
Michele
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hi, does anyone know any good conspiracy theories, or any links to some. good conspiracy theories, not stupid ones like jfk and abe lincoln. ive allready heard of the titanic one, the 9/11 ones, moon landings, jfk and abe lincoln. so ive heard the main ones. any other ones out there? thanks. (link)
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try this website author: alex jones
www.infowars.com
Michele
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what are the chances of me gettings pregnant if i had sex with a condom that had alot of room at the top, and it ended up having a rip in it. My boyfriend was going off while coming out, and i took the plan b morning after pill 30 min after it happened. If the last time i took the pill was the 31 could i still be having problems from it? even if it was the first time i took it? thanks
ps im not on birthcontrol. (link)
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Under all of these conditions, I would say that the chances are very low. You did good. I know it is still nerve wracking, but I think you did OK.
Wish more kids took this many precautions
Michele
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Three years ago I was laid off from my art directors job
in a design studio, which I gave ten years dedication to.
So for the past three years I've been freelancing and balancing
another creative job different from graphic design. Last year I
decided to join two placement agencies who focus on creative
jobs such as graphic design. The two agencies have given
me freelance jobs, but not enough to keep me busy every week.
Sometimes I don't get work for a week. Which leaves me in a
financial hardship. So I've been relying on loans to get me by
inbetween slow times. Well eventually I have to pay these loans
monthly on top of my mortgage payment and other bills. My
head is spinning around what I should do. I don't really want to
sell my home it's the only investment I have. If I do sell my home
I'll be able to payoff all the loans and bills. I don't really want to file for bankruptsy and if I do I don't know anything about it.
I need advice what I should do. (link)
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Well, you might be able to find some work on the internet through the internet. Like work you can do from home and submit it over the internet. I would try the websites of large or medium corporations who could use your services. All of them have "careers with us" links. Submit your resumes and samples of your work. Magazines could use your help. Upstart websites. Maybe you could create websites for people. Maybe you could do on-line advertising. I used to work for a company creating on-line newsletters, which actually were just ads. But oh well. Many of them used a company called constant contact. I get many newsletters from companies that use constant contact to market their goods. Are there any small companies in your area that could use some advice and help with on-line advertising? It is so easy and you can do it all from home.
I hope this gives you some ideas.
good luck to you
Michele
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i am from an arab heritage.... i am so confused about my culture... is there anyone out there who could tell me family traditions?? i am caught between west and east :S (link)
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I would guess that you want to hear from someone who is of the same culture as you, but I can try to answer. I have read a lot of books about arab culture. First you don't say if you are male for female. Because arab culture is very very different for both.
If you are a male, you are the pride and joy of your family. You will be spoiled and treated like a king.Along with your father and any brothers you may have. If your family is well off, your family may send you to college to become a doctor or lawyer. Arab men have a lot of pride. That is OK. I have read some great books about arab life, old and new. You don't say what country your family if from, and in some cases, life is very different within the arab nations. And of course money makes a big difference. But Kite Runner, is a great book written by an Afghan doctor. It is about life in Afghanistan before the Russians invaded it. It was actually a lot like the United States. They liked movies and fast cars and flying kites.
Even if you are in the US or in the UK, most likely your folks will be choosing your wife for you. You may have some say, but they will make the final choice. Can be difficult, but hopefully your parents will make a good choice for you. They want you to be happy. And they want you to have lots of happy healthy children.
Now if you are an Arab woman, than life is very difficult for you. If you are in the US or in the UK, you may be attending school. Most likely you were raised to be very modest, and that is OK. And you were raised to respect your parents, especially your father and you work around the house and help a lot. YOur brother(s) don't have to do anything. If you are being educated, that is great. YOu may even go on to college. But most likely if you move back to an Arab country, you will not be able to utilize your education. Not all Arab countries are like that, but some are. For you too, your parents will be choosing your husband. Tell them to please find you someone who is handsome and kind. Because once you are married, no matter how badly your husband treats you, you cannot go back home. It would embarass the family.
I have read some great books about arab women.
Princess, Reading Lolita, The trouble with Islam. To name a few.
Listen, your heritage is long and beautiful. Arab countries were the birth of civilization. You have a heritage that probably goes back 2000 years. Don't look for your heritage in today's arab world. Because only the bad news gets printed. The arab nation has produced some very great thinkers......Rumi for one was a great poet and writer born in 1207. They were great warriors and studied astronomy, they created libraries, and writing and the use of money for barter. Not to mention the great wonders of the world, the Taj Mahal, and the pyramids in Egypt. Did you know that Muslims, Jews and Christians all believe in the same GOD. Yes, Allah, God and Yaweh, are all one and the same. ANd beleive me, all of us have killed in his name. No one religion can claim to have been peaceful throughout history.
I hope this helps, and that I have piqued your interest in your heritage. You should find out more about it. It will help you to understand your folks better. And the reasons why your family has traditions. All families do. Good luck to you
Michele
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please give me your thoughts. 23/f w/ 2 kids. i have been in the same relationship since i was a sophomore in high school. i just graduated from nursing school and am very successful right now. i do not feel happy in my relationship. it seems i have tried to leave him soooo many times, and i end up staying. problems: we fight for everything, he embarrasses me in front of people alot, like getting drunk with my parents and talking about our sex life in nasty ways that my parents should not hear. if he thinks i am looking in a direction of a guy he calls me either a slut, whore, bitch, etc... also calls me these things if i wear something he does not like. we usually go out dancing with friends on weekends and we would have fun but now he just ruins my fun and when we get home he fights with me. last night i came home from work and he was home and was drinking w my fam. it was 1 a.m. and my kids were awake and he was so drunk. he insisted on sleeping in the bed w my kids and i who are 4 years and 21 months. i was scared he would smash my kids. he kept calling me a bitch all night, he threw my cell phone and "accidentally" hit me in the face. this am he is at work calling my phone all morning, apologizing for anything. he does not help me clean or take care of our kids too much. he says i am so beautiful and he wants to get married and be together forever. what do i do? how? should i stay? Ps: his parents have close to the same relationship as us and his mom stays home and has no identity, just serves her husb. srry so long please help (link)
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HOney, I feel your pain, and I have been there, but lucky for me....not as long as you have. And you have been putting up with this for sooooo long. God bless you. I can tell you what is happening.
YOu are becoming more and more independent, responsble and strong. He sees this and it scares him, it scares him to death. But because he is an emotional midget. He can't grow with you. He doesn't have any self esteem. So he wants to sabotage your success. Because to him....your growth/strength = leaving him.
At work, you meet normal people. You meet guys who treat their girlfriends/wives like they are special. You see that the girls you work with, many of them have boyfriends or husbands that they can count on. Who can you count on? Only yourself. You are the backbone of your household. You are the lifeline for those kids. Him too, but hey I decided a long time ago, I was not going to be so kind, generous and forgiving to people with problems if they are over 21. I am more than happy to help kids out, if I can see that they are headed in the wrong direction. But when it comes to adults.....they no longer get a free pass from me. (been there done that, and got kicked in the teeth.)
They need to do it the hard way, like I did and like you are doing.
Let me tell you something about your boyfriend.
The first day he picked up a drink. What ever age he was at that time....is the age that he still is emotionally. Emotionall he stopped growing. That is why he often acts like a teenage boy. Impulsive, unreasonable, and full of excuses of why nothing is his fault. And quick to anger. And it is always directed at you.
You have two little kids,girl! Through them, you are learning who get a free pass on making mistakes. Kids do, because they are learning, and as a parent, you are there to make sure that your kids have opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them. Start out while they are young and you will find it a lot easier when they get older. Why they could even learn all their lessons before they get to your boyfriends age, when he picked up that first drink.
You have a lot of work ahead of you. And it will be hard. But I too raised my two boys by myself. and they are really good kids. Great in school, very respectful and no abusing drugs or alcohol.It's been 16 years now.
You can prolong this because
1.) you don't want to hurt him.
2.) change is hard and scary
3.) he is not going to make it easy for you.
But it is just going to prolong the misery. And the real risk that his behavior (and that of both sets of grandparents, if they drink to excess in front of the kids.) is going to rub off on the kids. What can they learn from him.
Gee.....When you don't get your own way, yell and scream until you do. Be unreasonable. Be uncooperative. Works for Dad. Kids will take the path of least resistance if you let them.
But lets say you don't leave...what will happen if you stay...Well in a few years, you'll have three of them all walking all over you. Using you, and you'll be headed for a nervous break down. But you won't be able to have one, because you'll need to keep working. Because you'll be supporting everyone. And let me warn you. If your kids do end up following in his footsteps, their mistakes, (while they are still minors.) are going to cost you lots of money Police, bail, lawyers, rehab., etc. etc. Never mind all the heartache that goes along with it.
Honey, I believe that you have the strength to do this. To get away from him. Be on your own. It won't be easy. But it will be worth it. And you'll be able to hold your head up and be proud. And you'll have a better chance of raising two kids that you can be proud of, if they follow in your footsteps.
That is your job, you know. Your main job...... to raise those kids to be responsible, self-reliant, and not a drain on society.
Look, your boyfriend is miserable inside, that is why he behaves so badly, but you can't help him. He needs to reach bottom, then find his own way out. He can't do that with you supporting him.
I don't know if this is what you thought I would say, but I won't take back a word of it.
I want to help. You can write again if you want, you can even yell at me if you want. sometimes that helps too. Or any time you need a pep talk.
Good luck to you dear I will pray for you
Michele
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like i put my finger up in me before and theres this hard thing in me about 3 inches up and it hurts when i touch it .. it has been giving me cramps and pain the dr has took 2 ultrasounds xray blood and nothing has been found.. as anything what could this be?[also im a virgin] (link)
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I can't imagine why the doctor couldn't find out what was wrong. I mean if you can feel it, he/she should be able to see it when they do an internal exam. It should also have shown up on the ultra sound. The doctor took blood to determine whether or not you have an infection. An infection would show a high white blood count. So I think he/she must have ruled out infection. Which leads me to believe it could be a cyst. Very common, and yes they can be painful and can cause cramps. But doctors are used to finding cysts, so I wonder why. I am sorry for your troubles, but I think you need to go back to the doctor. Maybe a different doctor. At least cysts are not life threatening. But I know it no fun having problems in that area.
Good luck to you
Michele
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I'm going to be bleaching my hair in a couple of days, and I need some names of some good, but cheap, bleaching kits.
I have natural jet black hair. And I'm going for an almost-white blonde.
http://www.style-hair-magazine.com/image-files/largeblondehaircolor1.jpg
^color that i want. (didn't putit into link, because didn't know if links were blocked on advicen.)
Hah, also, if you can tell me a brand that I can get from walmart/k-mart, lol, those kind of stores, than that would be fantastic. (link)
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That picture is really nice. I like platiunum hair too, but if I were you, I would go to a salon. I know it costs more, but if you ruin it, you'll spend a lot more trying to fix it. Why not try a beauty school in your area. They charge about 1/3rd of what the salons charge, and no they won't let anyone work on your hair that hasn't had some experience. and at least you get to ask a LOT of questions. YOu can even change your mind and leave once you have all your questions answered.
Michele
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