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do i leave or stay????????????
please give me your thoughts. 23/f w/ 2 kids. i have been in the same relationship since i was a sophomore in high school. i just graduated from nursing school and am very successful right now. i do not feel happy in my relationship. it seems i have tried to leave him soooo many times, and i end up staying. problems: we fight for everything, he embarrasses me in front of people alot, like getting drunk with my parents and talking about our sex life in nasty ways that my parents should not hear. if he thinks i am looking in a direction of a guy he calls me either a slut, whore, bitch, etc... also calls me these things if i wear something he does not like. we usually go out dancing with friends on weekends and we would have fun but now he just ruins my fun and when we get home he fights with me. last night i came home from work and he was home and was drinking w my fam. it was 1 a.m. and my kids were awake and he was so drunk. he insisted on sleeping in the bed w my kids and i who are 4 years and 21 months. i was scared he would smash my kids. he kept calling me a bitch all night, he threw my cell phone and "accidentally" hit me in the face. this am he is at work calling my phone all morning, apologizing for anything. he does not help me clean or take care of our kids too much. he says i am so beautiful and he wants to get married and be together forever. what do i do? how? should i stay? Ps: his parents have close to the same relationship as us and his mom stays home and has no identity, just serves her husb. srry so long please help
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HOney, I feel your pain, and I have been there, but lucky for me....not as long as you have. And you have been putting up with this for sooooo long. God bless you. I can tell you what is happening.
YOu are becoming more and more independent, responsble and strong. He sees this and it scares him, it scares him to death. But because he is an emotional midget. He can't grow with you. He doesn't have any self esteem. So he wants to sabotage your success. Because to him....your growth/strength = leaving him.
At work, you meet normal people. You meet guys who treat their girlfriends/wives like they are special. You see that the girls you work with, many of them have boyfriends or husbands that they can count on. Who can you count on? Only yourself. You are the backbone of your household. You are the lifeline for those kids. Him too, but hey I decided a long time ago, I was not going to be so kind, generous and forgiving to people with problems if they are over 21. I am more than happy to help kids out, if I can see that they are headed in the wrong direction. But when it comes to adults.....they no longer get a free pass from me. (been there done that, and got kicked in the teeth.)
They need to do it the hard way, like I did and like you are doing.
Let me tell you something about your boyfriend.
The first day he picked up a drink. What ever age he was at that time....is the age that he still is emotionally. Emotionall he stopped growing. That is why he often acts like a teenage boy. Impulsive, unreasonable, and full of excuses of why nothing is his fault. And quick to anger. And it is always directed at you.
You have two little kids,girl! Through them, you are learning who get a free pass on making mistakes. Kids do, because they are learning, and as a parent, you are there to make sure that your kids have opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them. Start out while they are young and you will find it a lot easier when they get older. Why they could even learn all their lessons before they get to your boyfriends age, when he picked up that first drink.
You have a lot of work ahead of you. And it will be hard. But I too raised my two boys by myself. and they are really good kids. Great in school, very respectful and no abusing drugs or alcohol.It's been 16 years now.
You can prolong this because
1.) you don't want to hurt him.
2.) change is hard and scary
3.) he is not going to make it easy for you.
But it is just going to prolong the misery. And the real risk that his behavior (and that of both sets of grandparents, if they drink to excess in front of the kids.) is going to rub off on the kids. What can they learn from him.
Gee.....When you don't get your own way, yell and scream until you do. Be unreasonable. Be uncooperative. Works for Dad. Kids will take the path of least resistance if you let them.
But lets say you don't leave...what will happen if you stay...Well in a few years, you'll have three of them all walking all over you. Using you, and you'll be headed for a nervous break down. But you won't be able to have one, because you'll need to keep working. Because you'll be supporting everyone. And let me warn you. If your kids do end up following in his footsteps, their mistakes, (while they are still minors.) are going to cost you lots of money Police, bail, lawyers, rehab., etc. etc. Never mind all the heartache that goes along with it.
Honey, I believe that you have the strength to do this. To get away from him. Be on your own. It won't be easy. But it will be worth it. And you'll be able to hold your head up and be proud. And you'll have a better chance of raising two kids that you can be proud of, if they follow in your footsteps.
That is your job, you know. Your main job...... to raise those kids to be responsible, self-reliant, and not a drain on society.
Look, your boyfriend is miserable inside, that is why he behaves so badly, but you can't help him. He needs to reach bottom, then find his own way out. He can't do that with you supporting him.
I don't know if this is what you thought I would say, but I won't take back a word of it.
I want to help. You can write again if you want, you can even yell at me if you want. sometimes that helps too. Or any time you need a pep talk.
Good luck to you dear I will pray for you
Michele
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