Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 84172
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can anyone tell me what a yeast infection looks and feels like? i've had severe itchiness, irritation and white residue down there for well over a week now and i've tried everything, but it shows no sign of healing...i'm also scared to visit the doctor. what do you guys think? thnx for reading. (link)
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You may be prone to yeast infections and have to work to prevent them. Eating a lot of yogurt will help. Also cranberry juice.
Monistat is another product that works well. It is a suppository that you have to place up into the vagina. It will get rid of the yeast infection inside too. You want to be sure to do that. It is not just on the outside.
the symptoms, as you said, are itchyness, redness, and a white discharge that looks like cottage cheese, no odor though. Usually.
For immediate relief from the itch, you can put yogurt right on the affected area. It won't cure it, but it really helps to relieve the itch. Which is great if you can't get to the store right away. I know it sounds gross, but it works.
Michele
RESPONSE to FEEDBACK QUESTION:
Well a compromised immune system could be the reason. As I said we all have yeast and bacteria in our reproductive track AND even in our digestive system. It is when they get out of balance, that we have problems. You always want more bacteria than yeast. Bacteria feeds off the yeast. Yeast thrives on sugar and starches.
I don't know what your diet is like, but eating more yogurt will help keep things in balance.
Another thing that can cause an imbalance is antibiotics. You have have something as simple as an ear infection, and if you take antibiotics for it you very well could end up with a yeast infection in your vagina. So keep that in mind. Limit sugars and eat more yogurt products.
Michele
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im pretty athletic, i have been running and can easily run a mile without so much as have a stitch, but my one probleam is i do about 10 minutes of stretching and my left calf still burns like all hell. i have had lower back probleams on that side that i was told might be related to a tight hamstring, could this be the reason for the calf being in pain? and if son should i just stretch it more? (link)
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One thing you might want to check, as I had a problem for years in my right hip, and after seeing two doctors and three chiropractors, one of the diagnosed that I had one leg shorter than the other. And only by 1/4 of an inch! but it can make a BIG difference in your body dynamics. A problem like that can lead to back aches and mucle aches and pains that nothing will remedy.
I was able to resolve it by just keeping a very small leather lift in one shoe. Now all pain is gone and I even walk better. More fluidly.
This is after I spend thousands on acupuncture and cortisone shots. You might just want to rule that out.
GOod luck to you.
Michele
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I want to know what I can do to get my husband back? (link)
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WEll there is not enough information here to give you a good answer. We would have to know what happened before you got to this point in your marriage. Not all of it of course, but what you think contributed to his "wanting to be alone".
But here is the problem.
If it is something you specifically did, and you are aware of it, and you explain it, maybe we can help. But if he is lying to you about wanting to be alone, and really has other reasons that he doesn't want to tell you, (like another woman) then it won't matter what we say, or what you change, his mind is somewhere else.
Happens all the time, and most men lie about it, because they think they are saving you from being hurt, but bottom line, it's gonna hurt no matter what. And dear, you could be the most wonderful wife in the world, it won't help.
If you write again, you should even put in your "suspicions" so we can analyse those also. It will help.
And listen, if you do suspect another woman, better to let the creep go, than to grovel and hate yourself in the end.
Michele
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How should i manage my personal finance?
(link)
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Wow, a loaded question, but very appropriate. It is important to have a basic knowledge of economics in order to live an economically stable life. I can give you some basics, but it is a good idea to take a basic economics course in order to prepare yourself.
1. Don't over extend yourself with credit card companies.
2. Always, Always Always protect your good credit rating. A bad credit rating will cost you thousands of dollars in interest fees over the life of a car loan, or home mortage or even credit cards. People with bad credit pay more in interest.
3. Save, Save, Save, Save for retirment, safe for big ticket items.
4. Should you ever use credit cards? Sure, but use them wisely. If you never use credit for purchases, you'll not be listed with any of the credit bureaus. So anyone who wants to know your credit history, will not be able to find you. What you want them to find is a good credit history So use credit cards but don't charge more than you can afford, and always always always pay your credit cards on time.
5. Problems. Handle problems proactively. If for any reason, you see that you will not be able to meet an obligation, for say a car payment or a loan or a credit card, call them before the payment is due, explain he situation. In many cases, they will allow you to skip a payment and not penalize you. Or increase your grace period.
Get a free coppy of your credit report each year. (allowed by law.) and monitor it.
Here is another thing that I caution you. Don't allow LOVE to ruin your credit. BEcare ful who you marry. I know it sounds heartless, but after you have spent years keeping your good credit, don't let a looser or a bad divorce ruin your cedit. Don't let it all go, just because you are emtionally distraught. It will haunt you long after you've gotten over the emotional pain.
Right now the economy is bad, but it will get better. Don' t think that it will last, and those of us with good credit will reap the benefits.
If you need more info goole this person
Michele Singleterry. (SP?) She writess a personal finance column. She is a guest on many talk shows. She is very practical and very smart.
And she explains things very well.
Michele
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My boyfriend and I just started to have sex about 2 days ago. I talked to him about everything.. How to to put the condom on, blah blah. We had sex about 4 times the first day and about 5 times the second one. I'm just wondering what are the pregnancy symptoms? I'm on the pill & we used a condom every time & it did not break.. But I could've SWORN that my boyfriend lost his erection while I was on top [yes, i'll talk to him about that.. he didn't tell me he came] Is there a chance I could be pregnant? The condom was still on but I'm afraid some cum slipped out or something. [is that possible?] Also, I'm curious- If the condom breaks, you'll be able to feel his cum inside you, right?
How am I supposed to know if I'm pregnant because I do get mood swings anyway. I have an iron deficiency so it's half of the pregnant symptoms that I've looked up. I'm just wondering..IS there anything else not listed on sites? Personal experiences or something? (link)
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I think the chances are great that you are NOT pregnant. You took double precautions and each one is known to prevent pregnancy, though not 100% each, together they are more than 100%. I relied on just the pill for 12 years and it worked for me. Also I am assuming that you have been on the pill for a few months or more and didn't just start it this week.
Also, Each time a guy comes in one day, he produces less and less sperm.
Can you feel the sperm inside of you? NOt really, unless you are having only unprotected sex, and you may feel something when he comes initally, especially when you are young and he is having more powerful orgasms.
But just feeling the sperm inside you, not it is wet and sort of slimy, but it is the same temperature as your body, and you won't feel it. Sometimes we feel it when it is coming out of us, after standing for a while, that is when we don't douche immediately sex.
Michele
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Ok, well my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We love each other very much, but there's always been this one problem. He's really cute and funny, so he constantly has girls hanging all over him. Even right in front of me. And he's always telling me about different girls calling him, or flirting with him, or saying they like him. I don't think he's telling me this to make me jealous... he's just telling me to tell me. And I guess I'm glad he's honest about it, but it still always makes me mad. Because I'm not always so sure that he isn't instigating it somehow, or flirting back a bit.
There have been times that guys have flirted with me, or said I was hot or whatever, but never in front of my boyfriend. And I've never mentioned it to him, because I know how bad it feels and why should I upset him? So I've just kept it to myself.
Well anyway... the other day we were at this party and these two guys were hitting on me big time, right in front of him. At first he was really mad... then he got kinda insecure, and kept asking if I still love him. And he said now he knows how I feel when girls flirt with him. And then he started acting REALLY nice, telling me how much he loves me and never wants to lose me, bringing me flowers, etc. It was awesome!! It was like suddenly he realized that other guys might want to go out with me, so he better keep on his toes!
Well, school's about to start again, and I want him to remember this! So I'm wondering... if guys ever flirt with me, should I tell my boyfriend? Should I encourage guys to flirt with me a little bit in front of my boyfriend, and if so, how can I do that without acting like a slut? Because my only goal here is to remind my boyfriend how it feels, so he'll be more thoughtful of my feelings when girls start flirting with him. (link)
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Now you are being controlling. And you should stop.
This whole thing came about quite naturally. He had girls hitting on him, you kept quiet about it even though it bothered you. When he saw it happening to you, he suddenly realized how it felt to have the "shoe on the other foot". And he promised never to do it again. So you two are in a good place. YOu have a mutually respectful and loving relationship based on honesty. If you start manipulating things to get a response out of him, he is going to figure it out, and he is going to be really dissapointed in you. It has the potential to ruin your relationship. If it is going to happen again, let it happen naturally, don't look to force the issue. You'll be sorry. He'll find it hard to trust you again. YOu can ruin a relationship with things other than cheating you know. Manipulation is a BIG TURN OFF.
I hope this makes sense to you, and you choose not to follow that path.
Michele
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so when i get out of the pool and blowdry & straighten my hair..its so much softer. it feels alot thicker too! my pool is a salt water system. (instead of chlorine.) do you think it has something to do with the salt? and if it does, is there a hair product or shampoo that has salt in it and will make my hair feel like how it is when i style it after getting out of the pool? ive used multiple hair products but none have ever made my hair feel like this. please dont leave answers like.. try a shine mist! i only want expert answers
thanks! (link)
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I can't tell you why the pool water makes your hair seem thicker. I can only tell you what works for me, after years and years of searching.
I tried a free sample of AVEDA Pure Bountiful shampoo. I LOVE IT> It claims to make your hair 17% thicker. Doesn't seem like a lot, but it was and I use it all the time now. I has lasting effects and my hair doesn't feel like it has any residue on it. It thickens from the inside of the hair shaft. It is great. You can get it on their website or from salons in your area which may carry their products. You can also find that information on their website. They have a conditoner and other products too, that will work to make your hair even thicker.
www.aveda.com
Michele
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I am afraid I have promised too much to an organization that I am a part of. I am a 28 year old, female, married, graduate student. Last year as an undergraduate student I became chapter president of an organization at my university that has been nationally recognized for years. Since my university is mostly made of commuter students it is very difficult to get students involved so I did most of the work to complete the requirements and application for our chapter to receive a national award in the spring. We received the second highest award given but there has been a lot of pressure from both the professor who is our chapter advisor and the Dean of the College of Business to get the Top Ten Chapter Award. At about this time I was considering an offer to come back for my MBA with a graduate assistant position, which would pay my full tuition. When I mentioned it to the advisor I told him that if I came back I would make sure we got the Top Ten award this year. He immediately got very excited. He and his wife, who is also a professor, made arrangements for me and the vice-president of the chapter to attend the national professional and student conference over the summer. They called in several favors to help get the funding and handled most of the paperwork necessary for the trip. Then when my graduate assistant position for the summer semester fell through they found me another position when I wouldn’t have been able to find it on my own. Through out this time I was very optimistic about the future and told them several times that I would make sure we got the Top Ten award.
So I started my MBA over the summer and went to the conference. When I returned from the conference I had missed an entire week of classes and was so behind in one class that I had to withdraw from it. (Prolonging my MBA studies an additional semester.) I’ve since started the graduate assistant position that was originally offered to me by another professor. As the semester will be starting on Monday, I have started working on some things to get the chapter prepared to work toward the award. However now I am very concerned that if I continue as president of the organization or even step-down to a lower position, it will require so much of my time that my studies will be affected and I will be very stressed. During the spring semester the organization required at least 20 hours a week of my time.
I am a very determined person and know that if I remain in the president’s position I will achieve the goal of being named a Top Ten Chapter. But I feel like if I do this it will affect my grades, I will be overscheduled and stressed, and all the stress will affect my relationship with my husband. If I didn’t feel like I owed it to the advisor and the Dean to continue as president of the chapter and get the award, I would step-down. I know that if I mention this to the advisor he will insist that I remain in the position and that he is sure I can handle it. I don’t want to just ‘handle it.’ Between my course load and working 20 hours a week as a graduate assistant I just don’t think I want to keep this stress in my life.
Do you think I should leave the organization? (If I stay in a lower position I am sure that I will end up with just as much responsibility as I have now but without the title to go with it.)
How should I address this with the advisor? How do I do so without appearing ungrateful?
Should I really be concerned about how this may affect other professors’ or the Dean’s perception of me?
Would future employers see me stepping-down as a sign of weakness?
Any advice would help.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
(link)
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Well I see a couple of things here, and I am sure you have already told yourself this, but let's look at them again.
First of all, you made a committment. A committment that carries a lot of expectations. It will disspoint a lot of people if you do not go through with it. BEcause of all the prestige that it will bring to the college. As well as funding and recognition. I think that they college has sort of "paid you in advance" for your work when you explained that they called in several favors in order for you to get the funding and that position you mentioned.
I also see that you say you are very determined and that is good. Here is how I see it.
Your grades may indeed suffer, but you will still graduate. Your resume, (if that is what you want to call it) will only show your degree and where you earned it from. Not your grades. But your resume will also show the positions you held and your accomplishments. Presdient of the chapter, and what you achieved for the college while in that position will carry more weight on your resume. Employers really value accomplishments like that, and if you did it while working on your MBA, all the better. BEcause in the real work a day world, you will be asked to take on more than is fair, and yes, your boss will say, I am sure that you can handle it. And you will.
I think you can do this. Sure I know you are concerned and you should be. I have been in the same position. I am 54 and back in college, and work full time and raise two kids, etc, etc, It is hard, but like you I am determined. YOu have accomplished so much. I should think that your husband would be supportive. It will only bring you more earning power in the future and it is only for 13 weeks.
I hope that you do decide to go through with it. What I have found in the past, when I over extended myself, is to keep my committments, but to learn from my mistakes, and not over extend myself again. I think you will have regrets if you don't follow through on your committment. Because to me you seem like that kind of person.
I hope this helped you to sort things out. Whatever your decision, good luck to you.
Michele
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hey guys- 16 year old girl, here (=
i feel like an idiot asking this sort of question, because i've always considered myself pretty well-educated when it comes to sex. The thing is, I'm a virgin- but i've lately been having some really wierd things going on down south.
about 2 months ago i hooked up with a stranger. bad choice, i know. it was just up to oral, but i know he's been with pretty many girls.
i started getting a pretty annoying, extreme itch a few weeks after the incident. i didnt think much of it bc i was at the beach, so i figured it was combination sand / shaving / etc.
i went on scratching and it kinda evened out for awhile. it was annoying, but it wasn't anything major. i started putting this hydrocortisone cream around the outside of my vagina, where it was all itchy. within the past week it's gotten really bad. sort of poison ivy-esque, it's all red and raised around my vagina extending right to the general area of my pantyline.
i mentioned it to my mother, but she doesn't know anything about my sexual experience and would probably freak out, so i tried to leave it out. however, she was unconcerned and i'd like to get to a gyno.
long story short, my question: what sort of stds, if any, can be contracted through oral sex? and do you have any clues as to what my problem may be?
this is highly appreciated, as i'm kind of freaking out. (= (link)
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I believe your symptoms describe a yeast infection. Red and so itchy you want to scream.
A yeast infection is caused by an overgrowth of the natural yeast that is found in or bodies. But it has to remain in check. The bacteria found in yogurt is a great itch reliever for a yeast infection. I know it sounds gross but if you put some yogurt in your hand and then spread it on the itchy area, if you get IMMEDIATE relief, then that is a yeast infection.
You could go to the doctor, and he will confirm it, but he is going to prescribe MONISTAT for the yeast infection which you can get over the counter at any drugstore. If they have an "extra strength" one get that, and follow the instructions.
Yeast infections are not caused by sex, generally.
Boys can be carriers, but virgins get them too.
I hope this is all that you have, and I hope the monistat helps.
Michele
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Ok I am not the person who asked about the dark circles but I have the same problem. IDK about her, but I have dark circles. I use coverup but it doesnt help that much. I'd like to get rid of the dark circles. Ive been working on getting more sleep but what else can I do? (link)
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Well I found this great website that lists all of the products that are out there to treat dark circles, but the reason that you have dark circles is also important. Here is a list of the things that researchers believe can cause dark circls.
Lack of Sleep – Lack of sleep and fatigue can cause the skin to grow wan and pale. This makes blood vessels under the eyes to appear more visible and dark. The paleness that occurs with fatigue, a cold or sinus infection or during menstruation or pregnancy may accentuate the circles under the eyes. Partying all night and smoking can play havoc with your skin and result in dark eye circles.
Bone Structure – Deep set eyes may have a tendency to develop dark shadows under them. In fair-skinned persons, dark eyes become more obvious.
Sun Exposure – Increased exposure to the sun can draw pigmentation the skin’s surface and create dark circles.
Medication – Drugs that cause blood vessels to dilate may result in darkening circles around the eyes.
Nutrition – Dark circle around the eyes can be the result of poor nutrition.
Hormonal Changes – Since the skin undergoes changes during pregnancy and menstruation, you may notice darkening of the circles under the eyes.
And here is a link to the website that lists the items that work. http://www.thearticleinsiders.com/darkcircles.php
Also, I like all natural rememdies that are cheap. you could also try tea bags. Soak them in water placed in the refrigerator. (I use just bottled water) once cold place over eyes and eye sockets and lay down for 1/2 hour. (I know, who has the time) But try. Once a week is good.
I use it before I go out for a special occasion, it makes my eyes feel great and makes them sparkle.
GOod luck to you dear.
Michele
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I desperately want to be my real self but don't have the courage to: I care too much about how other people and society think of me, which makes me frequently succumb to peer pressure and try to be like everyone else. I HATE this cowardice of mine, but don't know how to change. How can I find the strength and courage to be what I truly am? (link)
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Well my guess would be that you do not have enough people telling you that your real self is wonderful. If you did, it would help you to have the convictions to be yourself. You see none of us grow up knowing who we are, or whether or not the person we are has value. (easy for therapists to say of course each of us is valuable.) But you have to feel it, and how you feel it is by being CHERISHED by your family/parents/guardians. And by that I don't mean spoiled, (like Paris Hilton) I mean cherised and respected and taught to respect other people and that all people have value. Having said that, I think it is OK to want to make a good impression and behave accordingly in front of people. You do want people to like you. We are social animals and need to be liked.
Succumbing to peer pressure is a whole other issue. So you think you are a follower and not a leader? And you have fears about being different.
Of course, kids your age learn about growing up by imitating their friends. That goes away in time. Your personality is still growing.
I mean really do you absolutely ONLY like exactly what your friends like, nothing more and nothing less. YOu must have different opinions about some things. Teachers, clothing styles, music...something. And you will have more as time goes on and you mature. Many of you will grow up and go in different directions.
But it is a good thing to be aware of your tendencies to be affected by peer pressure. It is something that you will have to make a special effort to be sure that you grow out of. Like drugs and alcohol. Do you want to follow that crowd into a life that is a dead end. If you see yourself attracted to those kinds of people, you do have to make an effort to find better people to be involved with. You seem like a very smart person. I think you will be fine. Life is a journey, and the journey through young adulthood is actually the hardest. The person you are today will be totally different 5 years from now. I guarantee it. And you will change again by 10 years. You will have differnt friends, and more confidence in yourself. If you really want to feel better about yourself and feel powerful, find some volunteer work. Where you are helping adults, or seniors or maybe work with children or animals...the people in charge will be so appreciative of you, they will sing your praises and tell you how big of a difference you make, and then you will feel absolutely awesome about yourself. And then you will have the strenght to follow your own path. Helps you to choose a path too. I hope this helps dear.
Good luck to you
Michele
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I have bags under my eyes and I think thats probably because i get up at 5:30 now because of school but they're really bad does anyone know how to completetly cover them or make them go away??
Thanks a bunch (link)
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I need more detail... are you talking about puffiness under your eyes. (because you seem to young for that.) or dark circles under your eyes.
which could very well be from not enough sleep. But the remedies for each are different. You can leave a note in my in box if you like, giving the specifics or just post another question for all of us
Michele
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ok so im in beuty school right now trying to become a hair dresser! its not that im bad at it or any thing its just theres this challenge i have to pass before i can become one.... and this challenge is a very sticky,NASTY and totally not sexy one. i have to style some ones hair who has LICE! yikes ... the school finds this abig deal since apparently we might come across this in the real world but i cant. its this weird phobia i have of them. theyre so big on this its actuallly required. i dont want to drop out because i only have a bout a month left of training then im a graduate. but serioulsy i cant do this. i might have to drop out which would be a waste of my years ive spent there. can anyone help me either get over my fear or give me something to say to the school? (link)
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Well I went to a beauty school for skin care, and frankly, I've never heard of this but I guess it makes sense. The school is trying to prepare you for the day when a client may come in and have lice. Yikes!. I remember we had a training session with a person from the state who told us what we should do is a client of our confessed that her significant other was beating her. OK, so now we are social workers. And guess what. That is exactly what hair dressers become! And you will love it. Because people tell just about everything to their hairdressers.
Well think of this.
The school is trying to prepare you to PREVENT AN OUTBREAK at the salon you work at. Lets say a client does come in with lice. Are you and maybe other employees going to just pass her around and pass he around until some unsuspectting hairdresser gets stuck with her and services her, but doesn't deal with the lice then the lice get on towels, and chairs and combs and brushes, and now you are spread the lice to other clients, so then customers and the health department realize that a souce of the lice is your salon, and they close you down, and then people start to sue and then you have no money no job and have to go to court to defend yourself, but you loose, and get sued for thousands of dollars. You loose your license and no one else will hire you.......
should I go on??????
Honey if you are going to be a hairdresser you need to know what to do in a situation like this so you can prevent catching it yourself, or spreading it. Pay attention. It's important.
Having lice doesn't necessarily mean that someone is dirty. IT really is passed on very easily and very innocently. You can get it sitting on an airplane from the seat cover, if the person before you had them. Here you are going on a $6,000 vaction and the person who sat in that seat before you had head lice. So what are ya' gonna do. Better to know how to treat them like an expert than to make matters worse.
The school will do everything in it's power to protect you. But I am wondering, where the heck are they going to find a person who had head lice for you to treat them?
Do don't drop out. You have to be prepared in case it ever happens. It is kinda like being a doctor.
Michele
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16 f
ok so i ahte my face. i have so much pimples! lately its been getting worse an di dont even know why. i mean i eat healthy and i have tried everything! like proactive, which didnt work at all for me, clearsil, zapzit and nothing. i have used alot of face washes also, not all at once but you know. what can i use thats cheap that is guaranteed to clear my face? everyime i go to school this kid is always calling me connect the dots its so embarrasing! i tell him 2 shut up and everthing but he still does it. he also tells me that i have a big forehead and always says it outloud. i hate my life i hate being teased in front of evryone in the school and im so sensative. what do i do about everything? (link)
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Well, let me suggest something, but I hope that you are desperate. I am a licensed esthetician, by the way, (skin care expert). Acne is caused by two things, well maybe three if you count hormones. But those we can't do anything about.
Acne is caused by bacteria and dead skin cells that get clogged in pores that have bacteria in them. Sebum, which is an oily excretion, traps the bacteria and dead skin cells, The pore becomes inflammed and forms a pimple.
Tea tree oil kills bacteria. It is an all natural product that you can get full strength in any health food store or on-line if you search. Origins uses tea tree oil in it's products for treating acne. But it is diluted and smells nice.
And that is the problem with tea tree oil. it smells like turpentine. It has a very strong odor, but it works. SO if you can find your way to get over the smell, and use it at night that should help t alleviate the problem. But remember this, you also need to exfoliate every day, using a buff sponge or an apricot scub. You need to remove the dead skin cells before they get stuck in your pores, (exfoliate) and kill the bacteria (tea tree oil). Here is on other important point. It takes 28 days for your skin to totally renew itself. If you decide to try the tea tree oil, it will help pimples you have now, but there are new pimples forming in the base of your epidermis that it hasn't reached yet. Those have to come to the surface. So what I am saying is - is that you have to give it at least 30 days to give it a chance. It won't work wonders overnight, but it will work.
I hope this helps,and I hope you give it a try.
Good luck to you dear.
Michele
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I was interested in the sources of information from which you got the first two paragraphs of your answer here. Ill quote.
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=509981
:::Quote:::
You should be direct with him. Drugs are not an issue to be taken lightly. The people who do drug counseling know that being direct is what works. Because people who abuse drugs and alcohol have every excuse in the book. Here is one thing I know, and have learned from having drug and alcohol abuse in my family of orgin.
The day that a young teenager picks up alcohol or drugs and starts to use them continually, is the day that he/she stops growing emotionally. So what happens is when this person who has been abusing drugs and/or alcohol gives it up at the age of 40, still has the emotional IQ of a teenager. He/she does not behave well as a father or husband (wife or mother) and has to start all over again. And the family suffers. This is true.
:::End Quote:::
I am interested specifically because of the quoted psychology. That when a person begins a drug habit that they stop maturing emotionally.
Well, you specified teenager. I was wondering if that is a psychology specific to teenagers or if it applies to adults as well, and where the information came from. Ive studied a bit of psychology related to addiction, and this seems to disagree rather severely with what Ive read/have been told.
I can understand the perspective borne of negative experiences with family and drugs, most definitely, but from everything Ive ever understood a substance addiction is usually evidence of emotional immaturity, rather than the cause. Addiction is more often a symptom of other problems or deficiencies in personality.
I would just be interested in whatever materials you got this information from. As psychology is largely a matter of logic and opinion rather than physical fact its always interesting to read a differing opinion.
Thanks. (link)
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Thanks for leaving a question in my in box.
And your query is very interesting and to get the answer I have to go back in time.
Where do I start? I have read sooo many books on substance abuse, I don't know if I can name them all, but I will give you the titles or authors that I found most memorable. I have only had a few psychology courses in college, (it was not my major). The books that I found most interesting and helpful were by authors who studied ACOA and/or lived it. Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward, C0-Depdent No More by Melody Beattie, Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz. Each book led me further on my path to emotional maturity. I personally did not abuse drugs an alcohol as my as other members of my family did, but their abuse stunted their own growth and the growth of other family members. (emotionally I mean.)
As a family, and individually, we all had opportunities to receive one on one therapy. What I found, personally, is that the "therapist" who were college gradutes with MSW degrees were less in tune with the dynamics of what was actually going on in our family, than those therapist who came by their positions from living the 'life', then finding sobriety, and then sought out positions where they could help other addicts.
I have come to believe that emotional growth is a learned behavior. If parents or guardians do not display emotionally healthy problem solving skills when dealing with life's ups and downs, their children won't learn them either.
I hope that I am making myself clear.
Parents are responsble for the healthy emotional growth of their children from the day that they are born. So if we indulge children who throw temper tantrums, or who cry, or who whine, and give in to them, we are not raising children who will be able to delay gratification. If parents just appease children, and give in, children learn that their bad behavior gets resutls. The behavior becomes a viscious circle, and a learned behavior because it gets them the results they think they want. Parents create this visious cycle and think they are powerless to stop it. They turn more and more to substance abuse rather than deal with it. Parents turn to the bottle when things get hard. Kids don't see any successful problem solving. Problems rear their ugly heads, then things calm down, but they always come back, because they are never solved.
The children fail to grow emotionally, they fail to learn coping skills, and they learn that medicating is the answer.
And I have seen in my own family, and in the families of in-laws, that alcohol and drugs are not the only things that people can be addicted to. ACOA behavior can take many forms, and the effect can be multi-generational. I have known adults who were addicted to food, romance novels, television....things that took up a large portion of their time and energy, and keep them from forming healthy relationships. Yet each one of them would have argued with you that there was anything wrong with their behavior because it didn't involve drugs or alcohol. In this case, this family's alcholism spanned three generations, yet in the nuclear family that I married into, no one drank.
"The sins of the father are visited on the children." Is a great quote, and I don't know who said it, but most likely it was said by someone who witnessed bad behavior that spanned a few generations.
I have seen the lack of emotional growth in my own family of orgin, and I can see now the lack of emotional growth in my parents, who were responsbile for raising emotionally healthy children. They couldn't. They weren't given the tools when they were growing up. Due to substance abuse and various other reasons.
When it came time for me to be a parent, I KNEW that I did not want to raise my kids, as I was raised, but I was at a loss. My initial reaction was to act just like my mother. It scared me, a lot. But in the 80's there were few books out there that gave you advice on how to raise healthy kids when you have not had an idyllic childhood yourself. So I turned to books on alcoholism, and that helped, but it was mostly about how to stop drinking yourself. What I eventually found were books on ACOA. And they really opened my eyes about my own behavior, and how to STOP the cycle of poor parenting due to substance abuse which resulted in poor emotional growth, or just plain good samples of good parenting.
Well I hope that I made myself clear. I am sorry if I went on too long. If anything was not clear, please feel free to ask for clarification.
Thanks
Michele
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17/f
I was dating my boyfriend for about a year and half when he cheated on me. He didn't just kiss another girl or hang out with her but he had sex with her at a party after we had had a fight. He didn't even tell me and i had to find out from the girl herself. She didn't even know i was hius girlfriend and she asked me to give him his ring back.( the ring was a promise ring we gave to eachother awhile ago) up until this happened i thought i could spend the rest of my life with him. I haven't talked to him since but he is always with my brothers. I just don't know if he went so far that i should throw away everything we had. Where is the line of going to far to be forgiven? Do i just give up and say let's be friends? (link)
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I am sorry for your troubles dear. Men can be awful.
That line that you mentioned, about crossing...... only you know where that line is. And that line could be one place today, with your boyfriend, and someplace else years from now, with a husband and the father of your children.
Only you know what your values are, and how important those values are to you.
What do you know about this guy? What do you think about what he did? Is this out of the ordinary for him, like "out of character". Or now that you have caught him in the act, does it seem like, "yeah.....I am not surprised!"
I know you are hurt honey, and you are confused. You want to hate him, and you can't believe what he did, and you want him to hurt as much as you do. I don't blame you.
YOu need to give this some time. You need to really think about what your feelings are for him. Is it in you to forgive him. Is he even asking for forgiveness ?Do you believe him when he says it? In time can you trust him again, or will you always have doubts? Let me say this, if you think he is sincere when he says he is sorry and he would never do it again, and you do take him back, then you have to let it go. That doesn't mean that you have to trust him completely either. At least not right away. But if you plan to have a life together and be a family trust is very important. If you take him back he has to earn your trust all over again. If he is not willing to work for it, then don't take him back. When he says he is sorry, if you do not think he is sincere, then don't go back. He needs to be sorry about how bad he hurt you. Not sorry for himself.
Cheating sucks honey, I wouldn't tolerate it. But if you can believe that he has learned his lesson, and had admitted his mistake, and you are sure he won't do it again, then he may have grown emotionally and may turn out to be a better man for it. And a better partner. He has to be willing to see, see for real, how much he hurt you. He has to see the raw emotion, and he has to feel it, and think that what an ass he was, and if he can face that and change, then maybe there is a very good chance that he won't do it again.
But when all is said and done, you have to decide what is best for you. What is in your heart. And you don't have to make the decision soon. It is ok to take your time. Think about it. This is an important, and not to be taken lightly. Don't let lonliness or anger get in the way of seeing him for what he is, and for what potential he has.
I hope this helps. Good luck to you both
Michele
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have been dating my girlfriend Caitlyn for two years in October. She is the most amazing girl i have ever met and about 7 months ago i gave her a promise ring and i know Cait is the girl i want to spend the rest of my life with. Sometimes we get into little fights and blow them way out of proportion. About a month ago we had one of these fights and she wouldn't come to a party with me that night. At that party, i got pretty drunk and slept with a girl from another school. I didn't tell her about it and everything seemed like it was fine until this girl i slept with showed up at my baseball game and just so happens to sit down next to Cait and her best friend without knowing it was them. They start talking and pretty soon Becca, the girl from the party, has to go so she asks my girl friend if she could give me a ring back that i had left at her house (the promise rings we gave each other. i guess i left it there that night) of course my girlfriend gets curious why this girl has my ring and so she asks becca about it and she told her the whole thing. After the game Cait brought the ring up to me and said that my "little friend Becca" thought i would want it back and asked her to give it to me. I was totallly shocked and had no idea even what to say. Cait broke it off right then and there. I need to find some way to make it up to her. She is the love of my life and i totally regret what i did but she won't even talk to me which is really awkward since i am at her house all the time since her brothers are my best friends and her dad is my football coach. How can i get her back?
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Wow, you really messed up. And it seems like you weren't even aware of what harm you could cause until the damage was done. I mean didn't you even miss your ring, and wonder where it was? Well I am glad that you got caught and maybe you have learned your lesson. And that could be a good thing. We'll see. Well I did give this some thought for a couple of hours before I answered. I do feel for you, and I hope I can help.
There are a few steps you need to take. First the fact that she is mad at you and won't speak to you is a good thing, this means she still cares. She cares enough to be mad. If she didn't care, she could take you or leave you and maybe just ignore you and that can be worse than hate.
But she is pissed and needs time to cool off. You need to stop going over there for a while. She needs to start wondering where you are and what you are doing. I mean if you have made it clear, one way or the other, that you would be with her if she would have you, then she knows she can have you back any time she wants. That is why you have to get lost. She may or may not have made up her mind, OR she could even change her mind. But if she has you over a barrel, she can just let you hang for a long time. So, you need to make yourself scarce.
Then, you need to do some soul searching, (and if she should ask anyone what you are doing, that is the answer they should give her. )
Dude, you need to understand why you did that! Why would you cheat on someone that you have promised yourself to, and that you say is amazing and you want to spend the rest of your life with. Why? BEcause it was easy? Because you could? BEcause you were drunk? We'll those opportunities are always going to be there. BElieve me, maybe for the rest of your life. Guys still make passes at me, and I'm over 50! What are you going to do the next time? That is probably what she is thinking. She just can't reconcile it in her brain. What you did, She knows you will have more opportunities and she has no idea how you will react.
You have to be brutally honest with yourself. Why did you do it, and will you ever do it again. Sure you know how much it hurt her, and you;re sorry, but what if an opportunity came up and the girl was hot and you knew for sure that Cait would never find out? Would you go for it? If you would then you don't deserve to be in this relationship. You only deserve to be in a relationship were the two of you would do this to each other. Because that is what you both would bring to the relationship. Now Caitlin deserves better than that.
AFter you have done this soul searching and have come to the conclusion that you would never do this again, and you mean it. (Don't lie, you would only be lying to yourself now) And don't rush this now, give this some time, because she needs some time too.
Now you have to find a way to let her know that you are a changed man. You have to find a way to let her know that you know exactly what you did to her. And that you do understand how she feels because if she did that to you, you would be devastated. (as she probably is) And you have to let her know that you love her dearly, and that you want to marry her, and that you will never ever be tempted again, and that you will do what ever it takes to gain her trust back.
Also I suggest you find a unique and crazy way to get this message to her. In writing, or record a song, or on a billboard....think of something.
Now pay attention to what is going on when you drop out of sight. Is she asking for you, is she coming to the game? (sure to see her dad, yeah, sure) If she starts to show her face where she knows you will be, that will mean that she is interested and may be getting to the point where she will forgive you. But you will need to crawl.
And let me say this, when and if she does forgive you. Say thank you, lots of times, from the bottom of your heart.
Well this is what I recommend if you want to win her back. Of course the final decision is up to her. and you will have to accept that, AND accept that you brought this problem down on your own head. If she never goes back with you, you may always have a broken heart about her, but you will find someone else and fall in love and you will get married. Just don't do it to her either.
Good luck to you. I do hope that it works out for you.
Michele
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hey michele thanks for your advise, i have already told her sister so she can let her parents no because my friend didn't want me to tell her parents (link)
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You are welome dear, any time
Michele
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I have a crack down one of my big toe nails. It's all the way down, it's been there for like 2 years or something haha.
I doesn't bother me but I'm a perfectionist and I want it gone. Is there anyway to get it gone or do I have to wait years for it to grow out? or will it ever grow out haha? (link)
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It could be due to a fungus. They make over the counter fungus medicine for toenails. you brush it on every day. They have them at the drug store. I think that might help. If it is just from dry skin and cracked dry nails, try rubbing vitamin e on it every day for a coule of weeks.
Michele
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Is there any over-the-counter medication that helps calm you down? (link)
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Yes, there are herbal ones.
St. John's Wort - an herb
L-theanine a product found in Tea
Sam-E - by Nature Made
Valerian Root - an herb
These are products that are used extensively in Europe, and have had much success. Look them up and read about them. They are worth a try.
Michele
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