I'm not here to tell you what to think or do, but to give you as much honest, accurate information as possible. If I don't know an answer to a specific question, I'll research it before replying. I won't sugarcoat things; my job is to tell it like it is.
I've got a particular interest in sexual health and sexuality. I know a lot about fertility and pregnancy - and firsthand now, as I've just had twins. I'm also an accredited sexual health worker.
Gender: Female
Occupation: Counsellor, writer, mother of twins.
Age: 31
Member Since: August 9, 2004
Answers: 1493
Last Update: November 5, 2009
Visitors: 172886
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I'm a 25-year old New Yorker who generally enjoys her life - I have a great job, good friends and lots of hobbies. However, my on-again/off-again boyfriend of 3 years makes me too miserable to enjoy all this.
During the times we've been together and the times we've been far apart (I went away to grad school last year, and meanwhile he took a job in Boston) there has been incredibly intense passion between us. We fight and cry, but our resolutions are amazingly intense as well. Our 'downs' usually result from his being unhappy (he is quite unhappy and critical by nature) and taking it out on me; however, this makes the 'ups' feel so good... like I've won him over or something. In recent years, he's done things like moving all the way back to NY to be with me, before backing out and deciding that to be with me would be 'unfair to me'. Sometimes we date, sometimes we just sleep together, sometimes we don't talk for months. The roller coaster is an intense and heartbreaking ride. I know deep down that a good relationship should be more stable, and that he is too messed-up be able to give me that. But I am also addicted to his drama and passion, and I love him - I find myself wanting to stick with him until he is well enough to treat me right.
I'm sure it sounds as if I already know what I need to do - and I do, intellectually. But it's been years and I just can't seem to internalize that understanding. My emotions just won't comply. I was truly in love with him - and now I stay up at night depressed that being in love doesn't really mean anything. I miss him terribly and cry nearly every day; I can't take other men that I date seriously. I really need words of wisdom to help me free myself from this mess.
Thank you...
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I think you're right. You already know exactly what to do....and you also know that knowing something intellectually and developing the strength to act on it emotionally are two different things.
The simple fact is, you are gaining something from this drama, uncertainty, and rollercoaster of emotions. The question is whether it is something healthy or not.
Waiting for him to be 'healthy' isn't a good solution. It's simply not going to happen. This is not as if he is a sixteen year old who is bound to grow up or grow out of phases. He's an adult.
And if this is not what you want from a relationship, then you need to think seriously about your options. Making it work with this guy would probably involve you each getting some time and space, perhaps in counselling, to work through your feelings. And then perhaps looking at couples counselling as well.
This is only if you decide this is salvageable. Even when we love someone, it does not mean the relationship is stable, healthy, or has a future. Genuine love is dependable, consistent, and transparent. Game playing and rollercoasters never lead to a succesful partnership.
It is normal to feel devestated and confused at the end of a relationship. It is also normal to be ambivalent and confused.
You need to think about what is best for you, and then decide if you are brave enough to take steps that will make you happier. A lot of people stick with what they know rather than take a risk - even when they know a risk would do well for them. I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. As you are finding it, it can be incredibly difficult to reconcile the feeling/thinking split. Again, I think some counselling might offer you support to have some time and space to work on this.
Unfortunately, I don't think I have the wisdom to get you out of this situation. I do believe, though, that you have it within yourself. You have the ability to discover what will make you happy and act on it.
Love does mean something. And so does taking YOURSELF seriously. I wish you nothing but the best.
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my dad once told me that if i keep eating or chewing gym rather everyday that my teeth will be messed and fall out i'll have bad teeth
although i brush every day i use mouth wash and i only bascially chew trident gum the healthy kind yes i have some cavitys but that shouldnt matter so will my teeth fall out if i still chew gum everyday (link)
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Gum with sugar in it = bad for your teeth.
Gum without sugar = not bad for them.
It's that simple. Chewing non-sugar gum a lot will not have a negative effect on the health of your teeth. In fact, chewing gum increases the production of saliva.
Saliva can actually help neutralize the acid caused by bacteria - which means chewing non-sugar gum in this context can actually HELP your teeth.
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Well my mom is 37 she was married twice and had a boyfriend. But all of a sudden she likes this girl. The girl is gay and my mom i dont know if my mom is becoming gay. But i dont like the girl shes with and i dont trust her. I know shes a perve and she wants my mom in ways you should know... She is taking my mom away from me and my mom doesn't really seem that happy. What should i do??? (link)
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Did you feel this way when your mom starting dating men? If so, this might be your reaction to her spending time with anyone else - and it's a perfectly normal and appropriate way to feel.
If you didn't mind her dating men, then your feelings cold be more about the 'gay thing.' I would encourage you to explore how you feel about gay people in general, and then how you feel about the possibility of your mother being a lesbian or bisexual.
It can be a hard thing to adjust to, but it will not change how she feels about you. Nor will it change who she is as a person.
Your mom might seem unhappy because she is unsure how you or other people will react to her dating a female. Coming out, or realising you are gay, is an extraordinarily difficult and confusing time. Rarely does someone express a huge amount of happiness during this time - they may feel relieved and happy to be living in a genuine way, but it doesn't erase the stress of having to tell other people. Particularly if they have been living as straight for a long time.
Having a conversation with your mom might be a really good idea. You can share your feelings with her, and also ask questions about anything you don't understand. If she knows how you feel, perhaps she will be willing to spend more one-to-one time with you.
I wish you the best.
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hey im a 16 year old female and i have sex weekly. me and my boyfriend do it unprotected usually but he never busts in me.
i got my period march 26 and we had sex in the shower. for the past week ive been having cramps in my stomach and its kinda starting to scare me that i could be pregnant. also my urine smells really weird i cant really discribe the smell, but its unusual. i really hope im not pregnant because i dont know what i'll do. my body looks normal but i feel like im peeing an extra lot. but maybe im just thinking that because i think im pregnant? i always get scared when my period is coming up cuz thats just a natural reaction for me. i hope nothins wrong.. but why do you think my urine smells? please helpp me (link)
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Your urine changing odour is, in fact, a sign of pregnancy. It can also be a sign of an infection of some sort.
When is your period due? Your only real option is to wait and see if it comes - and if not, take a pregnancy test.
Pulling out is not an effective method of birth control. Why put yourself through the worry every month of wondering if your period will come? If you used birth control, your boyfriend would also not need to worry about pulling out. And as pulling out doesn't really work, condoms and a second form of protection are the safest idea.
Your body would not show signs of pregnancy this early, even if you were pregnant. For example, you wouldn't get a 'bump' until you were about four months pregnant.
Increased peeing is also a sign of pregnancy - but again, it could also be a symptom of a bladder infection. It might be smart to get checked out by your doctor, as if you've got on infection you want to get it treated sooner rather than later.
One last thing to consider - has yourself or your boyfriend had sexual contact with anyone else in the past? You may be at risk of passing on or contracting a disease or infection if so.
I hope everything works out for you.
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i am very addicted to pop and i drink around 3-4 cans a day should i quit? or cut back on the pop or what? (link)
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I guess you need to consider the pros and cons of drinking that much pop. What are the reasons you drink it? What possible positive things does it offer you? What are some possible problems from drinking that much pop?
You have several options if you want to cut back on the pop. You can give up one or two cans a day, cut it out totally, switch to a different drink, etc. A major thing to consider is sugar content - if that's a reason you want to cut back, be sure to check out how much sugar is in your new juice/whatever.
Caffiene is also a good reason to cut back on pop, so be aware that drinks like coffee or tea also have it.
Waters, some juices, smoothies - all are excellent alternatives. But if your pop consumption isn't causing you any major problems or you are happy the way you are, you may want to still drink some.
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i am pregnant should i still shave my pubic hair?
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Having pubic hair, or not, makes no difference while you are pregnant. It's totally up to you.
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14f this is so gross but im a virgin and my v seems to produce alot of cum and i cant seem to find anything to make it stop i shower daily (always have) but still no luck does anyone know what to try? (link)
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What your vagina is producing is called 'discharge.' Every female has it, and it's there to keep your vagina clean and healthy.
There's nothing you can do to stop it. If it is causing you a massive problem, try wearing pantyliners and changing them as needed. Generally, a bit of discharge in your underwear isn't going to hurt a thing.
Discharge should be clear, or white at different times in your cycle, and not unpleasant smelling. If it changes colour or smell, this is a sign that something's not quite right in your vagina.
For your vagina to be as healthy as possible, just wash once a day. Never put soap inside your vagina. Wash gently around the outside with a non-scented soap. Washing more often or with strong soaps can cause infection or discomfort.
While it may take some getting used to, it might help to realise that every single woman has discharge. It's a normal part of being female.
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Well i didn't really brush my teeth when i was younger and now my teeth are hurting very bad.. I didn't lose any teeth. Is it possible to lose all my teeth at this age? I am going to start brushin my teeth 4 times a day now for 2 minutes? will i still lose my teeth at a young age?? (link)
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A dentist is the best person to ask this question to. Why? Because they can inform you of exactly what is wrong, and right, with your teeth. And then they can tell you how to improve the situation.
For the healthiest mouth possible, you should be having check-ups regularly every six months. Your dentist will be able to check for cavities (and fix them), discuss any pain or sensitivity with you, etc.
Brushing your teeth too much can actually hurt your gums and not be the best thing for your teeth. Brushing twice a day, and flossing, are the recommended route to healthy teeth and gums.
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I know what foreplay is and all, I'm not immature or anything...but I dont understand the concept of it. It's supposed to get a guy going, and have him last longer during sex...but how long do you have to wait after fooling around before having sex? I know guys have that peroid after orgasming that they have to wait until they can again...does that have anything to do with it? And will it help at all if you finger or do oral on the girl as well? (link)
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Foreplay actually has nothing to do with making a guy last longer. Foreplay is what happens BEFORE sex, designed for both people involved to enjoy themselves. This can range from kissing and cuddling to more intense things.
Things naturally progress from this to sex.
You may perhaps be thinking about guys having an orgasm before sex (by themselves, or with their partner!) so that they may be able to last longer during sex. This is very similar to having sex once and then waiting a couple of minutes to try again. Generally, the younger the guy is, the quicker his 'recovery time.'
Giving the girl pleasure before penetration can be a good idea, since females generally take longer to have orgasms than guys. And if a guy finishing quickly is a worry, the couple might benefit from really exciting the girl before sex starts.
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I know everyone has crazy thoughts... but mine are a bit strange. Like "overly crazy" and need the appropriate attention and medication
So here's the deal:
Ever since I was a little girl (I'm 13/f now), I would come up with these weird thoughts that if I did something that looked cool and I wanted to do it again, it wouldn't look cool if I did it again. I don't think that way anymore. But now I think even worse thoughts. As years grew by this thinking has become worse.
Sometimes when I'm up high on like a deck over a hotel looking at the view, I feel like I'm going to lose control and jump off. But then it got even worse. And this is what really scares me. I sleepwalk, so I feel like I'm going to harm someone in my sleep... and it really disturbs me. My brother annoys me a lot and sometimes the rest of my family does to, (because I'm on the computer all day could be why I'm so annoyed because it puts you in a bad mood. But I never used to be I don't think.) and I feel like once I'm older that I'm going to be one of those people with a mental illness that's going to kill somebody because of it.
Also, I think I have O.C.D. (Obsessive Compulsize Disorder) because when I'm on the neopets boards I'll keep looking up to make sure I'm on the right topic, or it's the right username etc. etc. I'm not sure if I'm just anxious or what!
I may also have A.D.D.
So those things may be connected.
I am also going through a minor depression that is becoming more mild, less and less ever since I talked about it with my mom... which is good but may have something to do with it.
Does any of what I've described seem like a disease/illness? Could you send me a link or something or explain what type of mental problem this could be? I'm scared to know the truth... but the later I find out, the worse.
THANK YOU for your time, and thank you for reading this because it was so long.
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All of this sounds normal. Every single healthy person on the planet has slight obsessional tendencies - we've all got our quirks, habits, and freaky little things. And it's okay.
What ISN'T okay is when you are so worried about your mental health that it starts to have an effect on your life. If you are this concerned, an option for you might be to speak to a counsellor. She/he will be able to listen to your objectively and supportively, and this may make you feel better.
Generally, healthy people do go through periods where they worry they are crazy - or could become crazy. This is actually a sign of health. If you were truly in the throes of illness, you probably wouldn't recognise it or want to change your behaviours.
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This past Saturday Marjorie, her mom, her sister, her brother-in-law and her niece and nephew went out to a beach
town. Marjorie and her brother-in-law are thin, her sister and mom are overweight.When they arrived in town at 1PM
all six of them decided to have lunch. When they were having their meal, Marjorie's sister said to Marjorie "Aren't you
going to finish your eggs?" After they had their meal Marjorie's mom, sister and nephew decided to go to the beach
and sit for awhile. Marjorie's brother-in-law and niece decided to go the lake nearby for a swim. Marjorie decided to
walk around town. Marjorie's brother-in-law said that in an hour or so he would meet Marjorie at a central location
(because Marjorie wouldn't know where everyone else would be due to the fact that her brother-in-law was going to
drive Marjorie's sister, mom and nephew to the beach site and Marjorie wasn't going to be with them). The first time
Marjorie went to the central location her brother-in-law wasn't there, so she checked back 15 minutes later and all
five of them were at the central location. Marjorie had a package in her hand and her mom said to her "What did you
buy?" And Marjorie said she brought her herbs - end of conversation. When Marjorie's sister saw the package
Marjorie's sister asked Marjorie what she brought and when Marjorie told her sister what it was her sister said "Why
do you take it?" Marjorie said "For Menopause/PMS." But her mother said "Marjorie takes it for weight." Then her
sister said "Who else takes it?" And her mother said "Horses take it. " This infuriated Marjorie and she picked a
nasty fight with her mother.Marjorie and her sister had two conversations throughout the day and her sister told
Marjorie both tmes the following: "Just ignore mom when she says things like that, you know why you take the
herbs, you don't need anyone else to tell you why you take them. You don't need anyone's approval. It is like
if I asked you what you think of this blouse I am wearing and you said you don't like it, I know I do and that is
all what matters." MY QUESTION: LETS SAY YOU WERE MARJORIE WOULD YOU CARE WHAT YOUR MOM
SAID or WOULD YOU JUST TAKE THE HERBS AND NOT CARE IF SHE PUT THEM DOWN and go by what
Marjorie’s sister said And why? (link)
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It's understandable why Marjorie would feel upset. Anytime someone says something critical, a natural response is to feel irritated or worried.
However, it is up to Marjorie what she chooses to do with her feelings. If she is taking herbs, that's really no one's business but her own. And if she knows she is taking the herbs for one reason, and her mother says it is for a different reason - her mother is either misinformed or wilfully trying to aggravate Marjorie.
Neither reason should make Marjorie feel like she is doing anything wrong. Marjorie may want to speak to her mother and let her know that her feelings were hurt, or she may choose to just move on.
While it can be tough to rely only on your own judgements and not other people's, it really is the only way you'll be able to find contentment.
I wish you the best.
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okay so i was at the mocies with my boyfreind and i gave him a handy, and he came, but he might have gotton some on his finger and then he imidettly fingered me, is there a chance im pregnent? (link)
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Any time sperm is in a vagina, there is a chance of pregnancy. This situation sounds like there's a minimal chance.
Your only option is to wait and see if your period comes. If it does, hooray. To avoid this in future, make sure his hands stay away from the semen before he touches you - or have him touch you first.
If your period doesn't come, then you can buy a home pregnancy test. If that situation arises, feel free to ask for more info.
I wish you the best.
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I heard you can feel a guy cum inside you? Is it true and how so?
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In romance novels, maybe. In real life, probably not.
While you may not feel the actual cum, guys usually give pretty strong clues of when they are having an orgasm - they may move differently, jerk around, breathe differently, or make louder noises.
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OK so I read alot of sex stuff now since i am in health and my friends ask me alot of questions and i like helping them out. We are all about 16 or alittle older
So i have read that sperm is sticky. so if a guy came on a girl on her leg by her vaginal area but not exactly on her vaginal area when they were having sex unprotected and her vaginal area wasnt sticky and there was some on the floor about an inch away and he is almost positive that he pulled it out in time and there basement is like 45 degrees....and they wiped her thigh off quickly and about an hour later she took along hot bath with alot of soap and she means alot like half a bottle of body wash.... could she be pregnaunt? She didnt feel anything inside her. He is almost positive he didnt cum in her. She has been off her period for a week now. (link)
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Taking a bath and using a lot of soap does not prevent pregnancy. In fact, the soap might only manage to irritate her sensitive skin.
Semen being on the floor or thigh will also not get someone pregnant.
If her boyfriend was inside her without a condom, then she could be pregnant. This is particularly true as he isn't 100% sure he pulled out in time.
It might be an idea for you and your friends to get a load of books or leaflets about safe sex and then look at them together. A lot of myths about what is safe and what is not are floating around, so make sure you've got a reputable source.
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o.k so i like this guy a lot. we went out for like 3 days i know haha... but we decided to just get to know eachother because we started going out before we really knew eachother. well when he said that he wanted to be friends and get to know me more i thought that he just wanted to break up and i went out with this other kid. later i found out that he didnt want to really break up... it was true and wanted to get to know me and then go back out. well i am not going out with that kid any more. this all happenned right after christmas. I really like the guy now. We talk online a lot and we went out to lunch, but i am not sure if he likes me more than a friend. i really really like him and i want to ask him out,or find out if he likes me. please do not tell me to just flat out say it. i dont want to be like i like you, will you go out with me? do you have any suggestions besides flurting to let him know that i like him with out him having to question it. i think he likes me... i just need him to know that i like him.
thanks
14/f (link)
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If you don't want to say, 'I like you, will you go out with me?' how about saying, 'I like you.'
This lets him know in a clear, direct way how you are feeling. If you don't want him to be questioning your feelings, this is the only way that will guarantee him knowing exactly what you are thinking.
For all you know, he's having the same thoughts and feelings as you. Once you are both clear about where each other stands, you'll be able to decide whether you want to go out again or not.
I wish you the best.
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now and ever since we have started dating, I have found a bunch of different porn. On his computer, everyday there was something new...even a swinger website. Now his computer is at work so he doesn’t look go on porn on the internet anymore, but just the other day I found brand new porn magazines!
Our sex is unbelievably amazing, I have had sex with a few people and ours is by far the best...and note that we have sex at least 5 times a week. We also try many different thing/positions
Do you think that he is unsatisfied or wants something else... why does he need to look at other women besides me all the time!
I wouldn’t care if it was every once in awhile but all the time is a little much don’t you think?
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I can see why you would feel upset. Have you asked him why he looks at porn so much?
It's quite normal for men (and women!) to look at porn, or any material they find arousing. This doesn't mean they are not satisfied with their partner or their sex life. It can just be a fun fantasy type thing.
Your options include trying to get involved with the porn. Look at it together, roleplay based on it, etc.
They also include letting your boyfriend know how deeply uncomfortable the porn makes you. If he knows you are feeling insecure or upset, he may be happy to cut down (or cut OUT) the porn.
If he is looking at much more porn than you would consider normal, though I'd be careful to say what 'normal' was, he may have an addictive need to do so. If this is the case, there are professionals who specialize in this area.
Basically, though, it sounds as if you've got a fabulous sex life. It's up to you to decide how you proceed from here, and what you are willing to put up with. Having a conversation with him should be pretty high up on your priority list, though. Only he can explain why he looks at so much porn.
I wish you both the best.
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i dont know what to do i really like this guy. and he thinks im hott and he is only 14 and im 15 not much of a difference but i really want to have sex with him he tells me all the time that he wants to but im still a virgin and i dont wanna lose it that fast but im always sexually arroused somehow i always masturbate and i wanna kno what it is like but i dont know what to do im soooo confused someone help meh...? (link)
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It's normal to be sexually aroused. It's normal to masturbate. This is what humans do, particularly in the teen years when hormones are raging.
Being aroused, though, doesn't translate into needing to have sex. You clearly say you don't want to lose your virginity so fast - so make a decision to not lose it. If you've got any reservations, that means you may regret your decision...and that it may not be as pleasureable as you expect.
Take some time to reflect over the ideal way you would like to lose your virginity. Do you want to be in a relationship? What sort of protection will you lose? Where do you want this to happen?
If you've got a clearer picture in your head of how you would like things to be, it may make it easier to decide whether you are ready at this point. You can only lose your virginity once, so make sure you do it when you are absolutely ready.
I wish you the best.
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Is it possible to have symtoms of being preganent 7 dyas after sex? (link)
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It's hugely unlikely that you would notice any actual symptoms of pregnancy this soon after sex. This early on, a fertilized egg would only be implanting into your uterous.
More likely, any symptoms may be PMS related. Likewise, if someone is worried about pregnancy they will be on hyperalert and can convince themselves they have symptoms.
If you are concerned about pregnancy, figure out when your next period is due. If it's late, take a pregnancy test. Also, you may want to consider your forms of birth control to reduce your worry in future.
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I am 14
I have never had sex before but me and my boyfriend have done other things. He came over on day and he fingered me. He did it pretty hard too. After that i was bleeding. Not very much though.he might have gotten some sperm on his hands but he is usually good about washing them. and if there was cum on his hands it wasnt a lot. I am freaking out and my period has been about a week late. I was woundering if having your cherry popped could lead to your period comming late? (link)
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Getting fingered should not affect your period - even if it was your first time. Stress CAN affect it, though. So if you're feeling really worried about the possibility of pregnancy, that might do it.
You may want to consider buying and taking a home pregnancy test. If you follow the directions, they are very accurate. If it comes up negative, wait a few more days for your period. If it still doesn't show up, you'll want to see your doctor so she/he can figure out what is going on.
I wish you the best.
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I and my bf were fooling around with underwears on.....He was just sliding on me in an up and down fashion....when he ejaculated and there were couple of semen stains on the FRONT side of my underwear.... I noticed it and within 5-10 minutes wiped it off with a tissue paper....At that time, I was also getting white discharge...I was actually expecting my periods during that time and now it is 3 weeks since then and I did not get my periods so far....
I am scared of the thought that the semen somehow diffused through the underwear, slid down and went into my vagina where the white discharge ferried the semen to the egg.....
I am a virgin and never had any sexual intercourse ...Is it possible for me to get pregnant this way ? I am really scared ...Please help... (link)
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There's a lot of information missing here. Is your period normally like clockwork? If it's slightly irregular, this might just be a blip. Likewise, be aware that stress can mess with your period, and it certainly sounds like you are stressed.
Discharge also tends to be white and/or thicker when you are ovulating, not when you are just about to get your period. (Again, however, this might be normal for you). Are you absolutely sure you know when your period was due?
As you are so overdue, it's worth your time to buy a pregnancy test and take it. Make sure to read the instuctions carefully before you take it, and follow them.
If it comes up negative, you will need to make an appointment to see your doctor. Your period going missing isn't only a symptom of pregnancy - something else may be going on. It's safest to get yourself checked out. If it comes up positive, you will also want to schedule an appointment to speak to someone about your options.
While I understand how scared you are, I think the chances of you being pregnant are minute. So take that test, and then take yourself down to the doctor to check out your missing period.
I wish you the best.
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