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How do you deal with broken up friendships?
Basically, at school this girl and I have stopped being friends and it has driven a wedge in between our friend group. The name I'm going to use for this girl is Barbara(I've never met one in my entire life) Our friends are corrupt. They will literally call me and complain or talk about the things they dislike about Barbara to me. I don't want to drive Barbara's friends away because Barbara was a best friend to me once and although she has said some very hurtful things, I wish nothing, but well on her. But the gag is after her friends talk about her to me, they hang out with her. I value my friends and I don't want to lose them. Along with a lot other stuff this is not good for my already terrible depression.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
If I understand correctly, this is a friendship group where her friends are your friends and only you and Barbara are not on speaking terms.
First, no matter what B is imagining as the hurtful things you supposedly did to make her shut you out, pretty much most people don't hold a grudge for a lifetime and will come around again in their own good time after whatever perceived grievances are forgotten. I know from living it. Had a girlfriend stop talking to me when I was in school. After a month or two, she forgot what she was so upset about and picked up friendship where she left off, no apologies whatever. Had the same thing happen as an adult with my own mother who worked in the same company I did stop talking for close to a year because she was upset that I did not jump up and down as both my sisters did when she announced she was getting re-married. My Dad got upset when I asked him not to bring nail studded construction wood for my fireplace because our chimney expert said we'd had a chimney fire due to burning treated wood like that and it wasn't safe having that pile in the back yard where the kids played. I thanked him but told him why I could no longer accept it, was nice, not mad with him but he got upset and began to tell stories to anyone who would listen, making up things about me. So even my youngest sister joined him and stopped talking to me for a good many months. Not a single person ever apologized and I never brought up their cold shoulder act. The longer it goes or more time that passes, people begin to feel so awkward, knowing internally they were in the wrong and are too embarrassed to apologize let alone make the first move toward mending the relationship. It will have to be you. I don't know how long its been but let a couple weeks go by and then call or text her with something you want to share, not reciting what you have been doing, but pick something that perhaps she or you have an interest in, such as did you hear that such and such band are going to be in town in March and I've just got to go to it, Are you going to go too?
Now as for the mutual friends,apparently those people have no idea what friendship means. Talking behind someones back is not a quality of a friend but an enemy. So all I can figure is that we are talking about people who are very young, anywhere from middle school thru H.S. but there's also plenty of this in college age for those slow to mature. So its either all of them being immature or they are not really friends and thats why they find it so easy to say bad things behind someones back rather than defending them or asking them to stop. Since you seem to be the only mature person who really is a friend to Barbara, you may have to say something to everyone. It's not uncommon within associations, or groups to have a policy of certain topics being banned. I was part of a group of people where politics and religion were banned topics to avoid conflicts. So its reasonable enough to next time they talk negative about Barbara, that you point out to them that you don't mind them as friends but you do mind hearing negative things being said about Barbara. Let them know that you will remind them if they forget out of bad habit and start, but if they do not honor your request to stop talking negative, then remind them of the Bambi movie where Thumpers mom said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." If they can't do that, you will stop associating with them, that means you stop hanging out with them and being friends.
One more thing to keep in mind, people who show their real self deep down inside, like this talking behind someones back, do not do this or any other really bad trait just once or twice. There is a whole lot more of it hidden deep at a persons core. A person can change but most people are afraid of change, even for the better. So it is more likely that these so called friends also talk bad about you and others in secret. You can bet on this. It is human nature, at least the bad side of human nature.
As for the depression, if you are not being seen by a Dr. or can't or won't, I'd like to talk to you about that. The majority of people with depression do not have clinical depression requiring Drs medical prescriptions. I am not a Dr. but I have depressed family member who needs meds and also others who've only had the temporary situational one that if nothing is done by the sufferer to stop it, it can go on long term. A daughter without clinical depression became depressed for months after a boyfriend dumped her. The Psychologist gave her a list of things she could do to get over it since it wasn't clinical depression and it worked. Until you give me some idea, I can't know exactly what to tell you there and what to do in what order. If you are the type who wants to avoid medication, you are welcome to try that same Dr. prescribed list I can share. It may help and it may not depending on what kind of depression you have. If not, then you will know you need to be on medication. SO if interested, write to me from my column and I will provide that list for situational depression.
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It is not clear whether you are talking about your own friends, or Barbara's friends here.
If you're talking about Barbara's friends, the best thing to do would be to ignore the entire situation, but with your own friends, that would be a lot more difficult.
If you're talking about your own friends, try and find out why they dislike this "Barbara", and if you don't agree with their opinion, try to convince them otherwise, and tell them all the positive things about Barbara.
I hope this advice helps you, it must be terrifying suffering from bad depression.
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