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My boyfriend’s mom
This is going to be a piggyback question off of one that I recently asked about my boyfriend. I don’t remember what I called it but it was about his mom losing her job, it’s kind of the relevant but when the people that answered that question before read this and say that they are having déjà vu, they kind of are.
So, one day I was spending the night at my boyfriends house. That morning after we woke up, he got a phone call which was a job offer that he really wanted. So after we talked a little and I congratulated him, he said he wanted to go to breakfast at his favorite place. So we went downstairs to leave and he walked into the living room and I heard him talking to his mom telling her that he got this job. When he came back out I asked him why his mom was home on a weekday and He said that she no longer worked where she worked, she did not like her boss, she was not happy with her vacation days, and after the amount of time that she spent there she did not get any raise at all, and she was not given the responsibilities that she previously was. So, I concluded that she quit. I had just gotten a new job after I had quit my previous job so I had told him that he knew what it was like when I was out of work, and I thought that was pretty bold of his mom to quit and he didn’t steer me away from that thought at all. I went home that night and saw that his mom had put on Facebook that she made a huge mistake and she made a mistake so large that her boss was not able to give her a second chance so she was fired. The next day when I brought up to my boyfriend that I saw that post, all he said was oh you saw it. I asked why he led me to believe that she quit when that wasn’t the case and he beat around the bush and then completely started talking about something else. Then last night, we had a pretty big blowout and it ended with hi The next day when I brought up to my boyfriend that I saw that post, all he said was oh you saw it. I asked why he led me to believe that she quit when that wasn’t the case and he beat around the bush and then completely started talking about something else. Then last night, we had a pretty big blowout and it Included him saying that his mom specifically told him not to tell me why she lost her job so he thought that the less he said was best. I told him more than a dozen times that I did not need to know what happened. If he just would have told me that she lost her job and he didn’t want to talk about it I would totally except that and move on. But him hiding it from me as a whole and him not trust included him saying that his mom specifically told him not to tell me why she lost her job so he thought that the less he said was best. I told him more than a dozen times that I did not need to know what happened. If he just would have told me that she lost her job and he didn’t want to talk about it I would totally except that and move on. But him hiding from me as A hole and being completely comfortable with his mom telling him to hide something from me makes me feel so uncomfortable being with him and also knowing that his mom is like that. He said that he didn’t think it was a big deal, it was a situation that didn’t involve me and therefore I don’t need to know about it. Again, I told him that I didn’t need to know it was the entire fact that he lied to me about the situation, that she was actually fired. And not really to mention that it kind of will fall back on me at some point because he and I were discussing moving out and she is a single mom and since she doesn’t have a job, she would need him to pay for a lot of things and he already said that he had started paying for these things so now I know that he and I moving out will he said that he didn’t think it was a big deal, it was a situation didn’t involve me and therefore I don’t need to know about it. Again, I told him that I didn’t need to know it was the entire fact that he lied to me about the situation, that she was actually fired. And not really to mention that it kind of will fall back on me at some point because he and I were discussing moving out and she is a single mom and since she doesn’t have a job, she would need him to pay for a lot of things and he already said that he had started paying for these things so now I know that he and I moving out will be be put on hold until she can find a job or maybe she’s just going to get so comfortable with him paying that she won’t think she needs a job. Anyway, I brought up to him again why neither of them wanted me to know what happened, is this actuation so bad that his mom thought that I would judge her Or look down on her and he said yes. So then I believe that makes it 10 times worse as well that when his mom said to not tell me because she does not want me to judge her, he did not stick up for me and tell her that I would never do that, he instead listen to her and chose to keep something from me. I even brought it up to my dad, who I really don’t talk too much about with my boy problems and he told me and I’ve heard him say this that if one of my mom’s siblings tries to talk to him about something and says don’t tell my mom, he will tell them well then don’t tell me because he does tell her everything. or look down on her and he said yes. So then I believe that makes it 10 times worse as well that when his mom said to not tell me because she does not want me to judge her, he did not stick up for me and tell her that I would never do that, he instead listen to her and chose to keep something from me. I even brought it up to my dad, who I really don’t talk too much about with my boy problems and he told me and I’ve heard him say this that if one of my mom’s siblings tries to talk to him about something and says don’t tell my mom, he will tell them well then don’t tell me because he does tell her everything. I know them being together for 30 years is a lot more than me and my boyfriend dating for 2 1/2 but can someone validate that I should be upset about this or tell me why I shouldn’t because when I had asked my brother about the situation, he told me that he didn’t think it was a big deal that he lied to help his mom. Thank you.
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If you could repost this and put paragraphs with spacing in between it would be a lot easier to read.
You been dating for 21/2 years. One would say this is more then a relationship it is a romance that could or should end in marriage. If that is where this relationship is headed then there should not be secrets between you and neither you or he should lie to each other.
That being said; do you have a right to be upset; Yes. Since reading what you wrote without the benefit of paragraphs and spacing reading it was like reading one long sentence. Because of this I'm not sure what you are more up set over. The fact he lied to you or what he lied about in essence saying you did not need to know.
Given the amount of time you two have been together one would think you would be confiding in each other by now and there would be no secrets between you. In either instance you have the right to be upset.
Is this a game changer for you? I really can't say since I don't know either of you. What I will say is if you see this relationship heading towards marriage then you two need to talk about things. In any relationship communications is key be it a marriage, work or even sexual relations. The other party needs to know where y9u stand on different issues, your likes and dislikes are very important.
This is a conversation all couples should have in private, not in the bedroom but in the living room. After 2 1/2 years together you should both know where this relationship is going. Our you both committed to the relationship is the first thing that needs to be cleared up. From there you go on to other things starting with what you like including what you like about him and things he does that you don't like. He does the same for you. This is a no fault conversation.
No one gets upset or mad at the other that is discussed first. It is also very possible one or both of you are not interested in marriage. If so and this has not been discussed now is the time to discuss it. A frank conversation as to what I have suggested will avoid hurt feeling in the future.
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When you said "If he just would have told me that she lost her job and he didn’t want to talk about it I would totally except that and move on.
If that is true, then this is a wonderful opportunity for you, whether he does right or not, is to learn how to go through some of the learning stages of a relationship. He won't know what you do like or don't so train him, tell him the above. Unless you voice your likes and dislikes that affect you in the relationship and set any boundaries, he's not going to know.
When the original convo came up, you assumed what you wanted to but you never did ask, oh did she quit or was she fired? That though is putting a person on a spot. The polite way with good manners is to say first, If you don't mind answering,was she fired?" Then his proper response if told not to tell anyone is to say, that is something for her to answer so if you want to know, ask her. That takes him off the hook and puts it on Mom who made the request in the first place to be ashamed and want to keep it a secret and she can then either tell you the truth or cover it up.
You are too concerned about something that is inherent in many humans. You see it in celebrities or the very rich or may be very worried about 'image'. Their image is more important to them than the truth. If you like in the media's light, there will always be dirt they try to find on you or if nothing, make something up. Even if she is not rich, many poor people act the same way and feel mortified if someone heard the truth about something that isn't a horrible thing but they are taking it that way. You can't hold that against her. Thats who she is and people like that need to be loved despite that quirk.
So you think its a bad sign she doesn't trust you with her feelings to tell the truth. I think she probably won't tell anyone but family shes learned to trust or as few family or relations as possible.
Its obvious she trusts her son and for a good reason. There are different ways to looks at this. YOu've shared how you took it. Here's another choice of way to view it. If its about trust and only a family member, she may not have built that kind of trust in you yet. It takes time and lots of time spent with a person for them to develop trust. Instead of trusting words and promises, we build trust by seeing over time how consistantly a person reacts, handles things, how they follow through and if its the same as what they say they are, then you have trust. Also, if she only tends to trust family, she probably doesn't see you as family, you are not her daughter in law but her son's girlfriend so that may affect how she feels. Her son had proven himself trustworthy by not passing on the information on her as promised. I would think you would like to have that quality in a man, someone you can trust and it seems that is exactly what you are pissed about, seeing it from a different point of view that he didn't trust you. If my husband gets a call from a relative on his side and they share something they are not ready or too embarrassed for others to know, he will tell me that so and so shared some things on the call that they asked he not share when I ask how the call went. And that is the end of it. I don't ask. HOwever if lets say someone lost their job and he was told not to tell and I asked point blank if they lost their job, whether due to downsizing personnel or being fired, he will not lie to me because he and I are married and a team. As much as dating couples may feel this is a right in their relationship, if they haven't committed to being together with or without marriage certificate for life, then there's no way to know the future and that in a few months, ones bf. gf has moved on and if wanting to retaliate could share all sorts of secrets. Its a touchy situation that can go many ways. But I have been warned that a particular family member whom I already know is quite messed up in the head, so its no new news to me, he will say, I was told not to tell you but you did ask me and since it's her and you know all the issues she has, it's just more of the same. Someones the person in question has sent me ranting raving texts about him or to him about me or other relatives when the person lives out of state, has no internet and doesn't have any contact with us other than her calls or texts. Sometimes, even if not officially family by marriage, you will find in every family someone who is the odd person or black sheep of the family or the one with mental/emotional issues.
The only thing I can think of to support you is that if both of you decided you were going to share the expense of moving into a place together, then married or not, you are in the plans to be his room mate so Yes, it is your right to know about something that could change the plans for a while, or long term if as you suspect is possible, that she doesn't look for or find work. She needs to get unemployment going and be looking for work. He can set a reasonable amount of time for her to find work, even if below her skill level. One can't be too choosy when having no job, any income is better than none. What little she brings in, if not the same as before, shows she's making an effort and then whatever she can't cover, he can do so as her son. If she does nothing at all, he can't pay ALL her expenses and then cover his own, thats unrealistic. She needs to be contacting DSHS and getting on food stamps and her power company to see about smaller payments while she is unemployed. things like that. Just because your boyfriend messed up and didn't think you should have at least been told that your own apt would have to wait, that doesn't mean he is necessarily a bad person or doesn't trust you or doesn't care about you. All people when put on the spot and have to say something on the spur of the moment, we don't always come up with the best mannered way to handle things and often we panic thinking we have to give an immediate answer and we all say things that can be taken the wrong way or are not the kindest way to be treated, etc. Its a matter of knowing what issues are important to fight for and what things are too insignificant to matter and not focus on them.
If he really isn't in love with you and you are only a means to an end, just a social friend to date, some to warm his bed at night and a possible roommate to share expense in the future, then i can see why he would not think it significant to tell you the move out is delayed. And it would be because you are not as important to him as you think you are. If he is truly in love with you and you both make all decisions together that would affect each other, and he is sure he is going to marry you someday soon, then its another story, and you both need to be involved together in plans that affect both of you.
You may not think it applies, but the presense of love and how strong it is will determine whether you have a good match with him, one thats not the best but you can deal with it if it never gets better, or if its so low that its best you leave a guy. So i am putting in a simple test and by how you answer the questions about him and you, the scores at the end reveal whether he is someone good who loves you or not. SO here it is:
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
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