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Am I a bad person for my dating preferences?
I'm 24, female, and single. I want to be in a serious relationship since I haven't seriously dated somebody in a couple years, but I'm picky (according to everybody else).
For example, I won't date somebody who is still working as a waiter (unless it's at a high end restaurant with big tips), at a fast food restaurant, or a minimum wage position. I just feel like once you're old enough to have a college degree or prior work experience you should have a better job. I'm not expecting anybody rich or anything, but at least for the person to be making an average wage. I make a little more than most people my age, but I don't even have my degree yet (finishing my bachelors) so I feel like I'm not asking that much. If I can put in the work to find a job that pays more than minimum wage so can other people. I understand of course if something is holding the person back from getting something better, but it needs to be something other than laziness and low work ethic.
Unless they already had a good job and did it for fun, I won't date somebody who's in debt from a 4+ year degree that they knew would not be in demand. For example, I know people who went to school for something like Humanities and are now in tons of debt over it and can't find a job. I feel like it shows that the person makes extremely poor decisions seeing as they had 4+ years to change their major to something more hireable.
Unless he's genuinely saving up a ton of money or has to help his family, I won't date a guy who still lives with his parents when he's 23 or older. I feel like by then you should at least have an apartment with friends or live on campus.
I won't date somebody who doesn't have a car. If you're 22 or over I feel like asking for somebody to have a car isn't crazy. I worked my butt off to get a car at 19 and I'm on my second one now.
I don't feel like I'm asking for too much. I feel like all of my requests are more than manageable for anybody who's not being held back by a bad situation. Yet I get people who tell me that I'm a gold digger and a bitch for asking this much and that I'm going to be single forever unless I stop being so "materialistic". Well I don't see it that way, I see it as being financially responsible. We're not talking about 18yo's we're talking about 23yos and up.
Are they just suffering from special snowflake syndrome or am I being too critical?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Are these criteria of yours means goals to some desired result, or ends goals in and of themselves?
Would any of these criteria make him kinder, better in bed, better looking, or you more happy?
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Are you being to critical? Is the glass half full or half empty it really depends on who is looking. I believe you are very mature for your age more so then your friends. Someone has instilled value and work ethics in you that most people don't learn to well beyond your age or never.
I worked for a multinational multimillion dollar company owned and operated by the fifth generation of family One summer one of the family members children was assigned to me as my inside contact. He had no worries as to where he was going to work when he graduated or how much he would make. His college course was Law Enforcement. Now he never intended to be a police officer or have anything to do with law enforcement other than some of our products might be used by their mechanics. Why was he taking these course? As he told me; "People who do poorly in math take law enforcement.
Now if you judged him buy your criteria he was a poor catch. He lived at home, during the school year if he needed more money then he made during the summer he worked at a fast food restaurant and he drove a family car when he was home. Now there were some perks he had but you had to date him to find out. He could call up the company pilot and if the plane wasn't in use he could jet off to Vail for the weekend.
While there is nothing wrong with your values I'm trying to tell you not to judge every book by its cover. some people takes jobs because they will work around a class schedule. IF you judged my inside guy by your criteria you would missed out on a great guy who was a great catch.
Your criteria for dates is critical one that is going to leave you home a lot for you are looking for a perfect fit in an off the rack world. The way to find the person your looking for is to use dating sites like match.com.
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Hon, you may be ahead of people your age. I know lots of people even into their early thirties who are still switching jobs, trying to find a good one and many who have matured a little but not enough to even know what they want like you. I live in a city with supposed great job market for those just out of college but know a great amount of unemployed people with degrees because they are now older and there are more young people wanted, however the positions available for the jobs you speak of are not enough to go around.
I can't tell you what should be your priorities. It is great that you even have any at your age. So many don't. I didn't. I learned the hard way and had to divorce the ex. Second time around, with what I learned that I would not tolerate in behavior, I came up with a list of criteria a man had to meet to be able to date me. If a guy asked me out and I found him attractive enough for me, I would meet for coffee and have a honest talk with him letting him know what I was looking for. Did the same on internet dating. I will paste in the document I have on exactly what this list entails. To find someone just by bumping into him in your regular haunts on a daily basis, is going to be like hunting for a needle in a haystack. You might consider having this list but searching in dating sites. This way you can read what they've written and go that way. If you do, don't use the free sites. Go for the ones that a person has to pay to use it because the men you are looking for are more likely to have no problem paying to be on there. It also is more likely they are seriously looking for a life partner. Heres that info on the list:
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you.
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