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Having Trouble Moving and Scared of My Family
I’m 19 years old and when I turned 18, I decided I wanted to move in with my friend and her brother, who are very nice and reliable and I’ve known them for years. Even though I’d be moving, it’d only be an hour or two away from my family’s house. My family is a different story. I have been fighting to move for a year and a half and I just keep continuing to get screamed at by all members of my family. I have money to pay for things, as I saved up a lot, and I tried to get a job but when I wasn’t hired I was continually told by my mom that it was my fault I didn’t get the job and I can’t do anything right. I can’t drive, but my friend’s family said they’re willing to teach me (My own family won’t let me because they don’t want to risk me wrecking something) I very calmly explained that I’d like to move to my mother and my plan for everything, and she either screams or gives me the silent treatment, saying “You’re not moving and you’re stupid if you think you’re an adult.” I told her that by law, I am an adult and she just took away everything so all I could do was eat or sleep. She told me that as long as I graduated, she didn’t care where I went and now that I have, she says I owe her for when she helped me with homework and I only graduated because of her. She also constantly brings up my faults and things I did wrong or said years and years ago. The other day, I tried one more time, calmly telling her I wanted to move and she screamed and called my dad in, and he screamed and they threatened to send me to a boot camp, or find other ways to “make me listen and have respect” I was shaking and crying and I had suicidal thoughts at a few points in my life. Nothing too serious, but just “what if’s” My mom overreacts, when I told her I just wanted to hang out at a friend’s house (who she knows) she told me to “Watch how I talk because I’m not an adult.” Her strict friend, who’s coming next month, (When my friend and her brother want me to move with them) told her she’d take me back with her and “Teach me how to work, and make sure when I’m done, I’d listen to my parents.”
My friend says I should just leave, but I don’t know what to take, and I’m honestly terrified of my parents. (They scream a lot) At the same time I’m really sick of yelling and them not listening to me. (They also like to guilt trip me)
So because that was really long, here’s a quick summary.
I can’t drive but my friend’s family is willing to teach me.
I’m applying for several jobs once I move (If I move)
I have enough money to pay for my own things.
My parents and family scream at me all the time, guilt trip me, and never listen to what I want to say without cutting me off and just saying forget it, because it won’t happen.
I’ve been threatened to go to boot camp, a church place (don’t remember what they’re called), going to my mom’s strict friend’s to “learn manners and respect”
My friend’s family fully supports me and whatever I want to do.
I don’t know what I would take or how to move or how I would leave (Someone is always here) and my family constantly says I’m a failure or will be.
What do you guys think I should do? (And I know its legal that I’m 19 and can move out, but I’m wondering how to deal with my situation exactly, because they and it terrify me.
Thank you!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
By law you are an adult able to do as you please without parental consent. You cannot be forced to go with anyone for any reason that would be kidnapping in the 2nd degree. You cannot be stopped from leaving; doing so would be a violation of several laws including kidnapping for which if you wished you could file charges. At the very least you could get an order of protection from your parents which means they must stay a certain distance from you. A legal aid attorney will help you file for the protective order; ask the clerk of the courts at the District Courts for one to assist you.
Based on what you have written leaving is probably the best thing for you. I would suggest you say no more to your parents about it. Go to the County District Court House and, ask the clerk of the courts how to file for a protection order. If you need help ask for a legal aid attorney they work for free. To be given an order of protection you need to convince a judge your parents will keep you from leaving home through fear, intimidation or kidnapping. From what you have written I think you can do so.
Once you have the order of protection be prepared to move immediately for it will be served on your parents immediately. Ask for a police officer or sheriff deputy to go with you to collect your things. The officer is there to order your parent out of the house and as far away as the order provides while you collect your things.
You are entitled to take anything which is yours. This would include clothing, books furniture, medication, make-up anything you purchased or was purchased by others and given to you. Once something is given it is yours and cannot be taken back unless originally given as a temporary use item. This includes anything your parents purchased for your exclusive use including a cell phone. If they are paying for the service that they can terminate but they cannot take back the phone itself.
The protective order includes them not harassing you by phone, email or any other method for generally a one year period. It is hoped that at the end of the year the disturbing party will have cooled off.
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Frankly, I would be terrified living with people like your parents. You don't need any enemies when you have the parents you do for they are treating you as if they were your enemies. Sometimes we are born to parents who do not make good parents at all. Its a fact of life. I am sorry but for your own good, its best to move. If you stay, you will be depressed and I can see it getting to you to the point that some day, you might think suicide is the answer. Your life is worth something. Suicide would be the giving up choice. The best choice is you moving out and you will probably want the support of your Friends Mom. She sounds like a supportive parent and though not your own, you can adopt people of your choice who are much healthier to take up the slack of actual 'blood' family you had to cut out of your life. Maybe your parents may improve a tiny bit over the years but it won't be enough for you to get along with them. They have tempers and anger issues not to mention what ever else that a psychologist would be the only help. Don't hold out hope as they need to realize they have a problem and have a desire to get better. You need to think of yourself and your welfare and your mental and physical health. I had a verbally abusive husband I am divorced from and remarried to a wonderful guy. So I know that there is stress from living the way you do under their thumbs. The constant screaming will bring on stress which needs to have somewhere to go. It will either affect you emotionally and mentally, or it will affect you physically. For me it was every stress related medical issue/condition a person could get, I had about all of them. Some stress unchecked can eventually cause heart attack or cancer and end a persons life possibly. I didn't want to get to that point. SO when I say this is for your own good, you need to realize I know what I am talking about here.
Use plastic bags if you have to, to stuff clothes in, at least the pared down amount with some things for all seasons and you can buy more later. Keep the bags in your closet out of sight. Without a phone, you'd have to get to a neighbors and ask to use their phone. If they ask why, just mention its a bad family situation and you need to get away and need to call a friend to come get you. When your friend and her Mom come to your house, go get your bags and go with them. If your parents go crazy threatening you or the friends Mom, she can call for police to come. If you have a phone, you can make the call to friends Mom. Learn how to drive, even if you don't initially have a car of your own. My heart aches for you. Please keep in touch and let me know how things go for you. YOur life can only get better from the point you leave your parents.
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