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My expectations of others
At the beginning of the year, my resolution was to be transparent and build closer relationship with people. I felt like I only had surface relationship and I wanted to change that this year. I started with my sister, I told myself I would reach out to her and go beyond the surface. Unfortunately, we had a misunderstanding and I quickly realized that she was incapable of giving me what I needed. I expected her to be more emotionally available, I expect her to be consistent in keeping in touch, I expected her to be understanding. She let me down and I built a wall. Then, there was the relationship I had with two women that were once my friends. The first girl she was understanding, supportative and there for me. But, she changed. It seems like she didn't care about my feelings anymore. Then, the last girl I don't know what happened. I expected so much from her. I remember we were working on a group project and I left and didn't come back. I was disappointed that she didn't text me and asked if I was okay. I was stressed and I expected her to be there for me. Well, after letting go of these relationships because I feel like they weren't meeting my need, I feel sad. I just expect more from my friends and family and tend to let go of relationships that don't meet my expectations. I guess I am protecting myself. I just need to know if their anything I can learn about myself from these relationships. I know what I want and I feel like I deserve it. Is there another way to look at this?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
You really have to ask yourself if you are asking for more than is what can reasonably expected from other people. Secondly, why are you so unwilling to bend? That's your problem you cannot bend and see that not everyone is perfect or capable to living up to this idea you have of how they should be all the time. Then ask should they expect the same standards from you all the time? Your relationships are suffering because of that and that you cannot navigate social situations for long and wind up in this situation a lot.
What you should do is work on all of this with a therapist and admit to the others that this is a problem you have and that you do it out of being insecure (which is the truth) about your own place and have ideas on how people should be towards you that you can't live up to yourself. Than relax and just be who you are and them who they are and let this other crap fade.
If they disappoint you from time to time don't let it kill a relationship. Every single person you will ever encounter will one day do something you don't like and or are disappointed over but you have to remind yourself that you and all of us for that matter are guilty of doing the same damn thing.
I think your problem has a lot to do with being secure in who you are and that you are worthy of friends and in knowing nobody is perfect all the time and relax your standards and you'll find it all will work smoothly if you work on this.
The problem isn't them it's with what is going on in your own thinking and that's what has to give before any relationship you have will be as satisfying and as deep as you really wanted. I would start with your sister and work with her and consult a therapist in general.
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What you experienced here my friend is life. People come and go in our lives but as people leave we can also welcome more people into our lives. I used to have a friend when I was younger and we did everything together and we were pretty much inseparable but eventually he moved and made new friends and I never heard from him for a very long time (even got married and had 2 kids). Eventually I did what you did though and went out my way to try and reconnect to some level which worked but we were far from as close as we once were but this was something I expected as he has his whole own life to lead with his own friends and such but we still talk here and there on social media and if ever I am in the area where he lives I will certainly go and visit. This has happened a lot but one thing I did not do was turn away disappointed and then put up a wall around me for those who just never bothered to make an effort. If they couldn't be bothered that was their choice and it made no difference to me, but at the same time I will not turn away if they actually do decide to get in touch one day, you just never know.
Family is a little more complicated because you can't choose who you have as family and all I can try and say is maybe give it a bit of time and perhaps try again with them. Maybe you can explain why you have been trying with them - because their your family and you want them to be a family to you. If they understand why you are trying so hard maybe it will make them more receptive to the idea of trying to connect.
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Hiya! Dr.D here!
appears your having a little trouble with your friends. you think they aren't at your expectation. But the question is, are you at your own? People judge others by how they look, what they say, what they do. But reality everyone is beautiful in their own way. Its just under the skin. You shouldn't make expectations, because that means you'd have to live up to them to. People are beautiful, all unique, and have their own personalities. We all change, but why force a change when they are natural? I suggest you except your friends the way they are, and they will respect you back :-)
Having expectations in relationships, I understand, but if you love someone, and you love them back. Let minor things slide. Because the part that you also have to love is their flaws. Don't let their little mistakes hurt you.
-Dr.D
I hope I helped. Be yourself, and let others be their selves. You have a great day! :-)
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