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My long distance relationship
My boyfriend and I just got back together after a year breakup... at first, everything was smooth until one month down the line... His school is 4hours drive from mine and since I really dnt lyk traveling, We dnt visit until we get home.. lately, all we do is fight and argue..He also told me that if I get lonely at SCH, I shld get a bf here and tell him so we can break up..Now, we argued over a lil thing and I called him.. we were just silent over the phone deep in our diff thoughts..My questions is that how sure am I that he is nt cheating on me, and I feel like I am the only one trying to make things work here as we are 5months into this relationship and 4months have been quarrels and argument galore. I need advise cs am abt losing my mind here
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What MrKaman said is true. A couple who are really perfect for each other are not going to be fighting all the time. However, younger people are only just learning about relationships by simply living them, unfortunately not studying up ahead to learn the do's and don'ts, etc.... So whether HS or college, there are many in this age group who are going to make more mistakes than older and longer established couples. I can't say whether it may be just a simple not knowing any better way to go about having a good relationship, or if there are actual true character traits you will not tolerate from a potential bf, but I will say that you are back together more for the fact that you likely didn't learn what you needed to learn the first time around. This is much like the woman who complains, why is it that every guy I meet ends up being abusive? Having had an abusive first husband, I know that when I decide to leave him, the same reasons that kept me with him so long were the same issues that poppled up in the next guy. I had to learn only to prove to myself that I had really learned a personal growth thing for me and that it wasn't a fluke, an accident. So I was facing the same issues and again, I left that relationship. A person who did so accidently and hadn't really learned what the universe has for them to learn, will keep meeting the same kind of guys until they learn. Especially when young, one needs to be sure of what they want in a person who eventually spends the rest of their life with you. Lets say your Dad always yelled and had a short temper, so you would be lookig for a guy who is very patient and doesn't raise their voice to you, even if both of you disagree on something. There are right and wrong ways to disagree, fight, argue...what ever you want to call it. Right now, I would have to agree that it doesnt sound like you are with the right person for you and besides, it is true that relationships that are long distance, on line or in person so there isn't a chance to meet up often enough to get to know each other, are relationships that just do not do well or never work at all. As stated however, if a couple is truly in love before facing a separation such as having a significant other or spouse who is in the armed forces, they will make it work and remain strong and grow more in love. So what are you looking for hon? Ask yourself. What you and he want may be too very different things and something he may have at least subconsciously begun to feel, therefore stating you should get a bf locally. He may just want a steady girl for just social reasons, someone to hang with, go out with, maybe enjoy romance or even sex with but sex does not equate to commitment in guys. Sex does not always equate to love, at least not initially. Its usually lust. But men can love and fall in love and will do so if they have a woman who is a friend who has no expectations and makes no claims on him. Both with ex and my current husband, we never ever had a talk like, would you like to date or would you be my bf/gf? I don't know too many people whom I'm close to who ever did that either. We just saw that we were drawn to being with each other, enjoyed being with the other person and could see we had lots in common, we want to know and learn more about each other and somewhere along that point of experiencing things that make us feel more deeply about that person, we go from mere admiration of a persons personality and character, to falling in love with them.
I can't say what it is that you need to learn, and don't mean to offend you by guessing, but I am thinking there is a strong possibility that you need to make a list of what qualities you are looking for in a guy. And would the qualities of someone you date now be any different from the guy you might live with for the rest of your life, possibly as father of your kids? YOu don't need to be ready to search for a husband to marry in the next couple years. But I had this same thing suggested to me, after leaving my ex and I was in my forties then. I made the list and it helped me to have a picture in mind of who was right for me and I was right for them, or that it won't work out. Yes, relationships and dating should be happening for those ready in HS and definitely once in 20s but it is still a time of learning what you really want. Too many jump into relationships that are not right for them and so the relationship is just hell. And at some point later, the people divorce if married or just break ups. This is why something as solid as a marriage has such a high rate of divorce. We are making a life decision without having enough facts yet or knowledge of what to look for and what to avoid in relationships. Some stay because they hate being single or being ostracized by peers for not having a significant other yet. We can not order the right person to show up when we want and exactly like we want as if ordering fast food. This is something that 1. takes lots of time 2. Takes gaining experience from A. going thru the learning stage in each subsequent relationship until they get it right. It doesn't mean you failed when you break up, it should mean you learned something. This is what dating is REALLY about. A long period of time in your life when you learn all about relationships and staying with one guy long term that you fight with doesn't count for a successful, healthy relationship if fighting all the time. You don't get brownie points for staying with a bad guy long term like years and years. There is no purpose to that. With each relationship you are in, the objective is to find someone better than the last person, never settling for less; looking for the qualities you liked in the last person in the new one but at the same time avoiding the qualities you did not like with the last person, in a new person. I can't say it any more plain. So you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want with a man, any man, not neccesarily him, for the rest of your life, always finding this kind of guy, never anything better. Or will you learn what you will and will not tolerate in a male and then act accordingly, staying if he's perfect or leaving if you can't tolerate his way of relating to you.
I am going to take a wild guess that since you brought up the fighting, that you do not like fighting at all. Unfortunately, the only person you can change is yourself. You can not force him to change and become the perfect bf. God gave everyone free will and if he chooses to continue to act this way and not care about treating you better, then theres nothing you can do to make him change for the better. Change must come from within, with him wanting to improve who he is as a person, as a bf, as a student, worker, etc.... So decide if you want more of the same or if you are ready to start looking for something better. If you are too scared or not ready for some reason to cut it off, thats okay too, but then it doesn't make sense to complain to any friends about this relationship if you are choosing to stay for now. When ready, you will do what needs to be done. If by time you are ready, you've forgotten what I've shared, then just remember my name "Dragonfly' and write me with the things you want to learn on how to find Mr. Right. You may not find him for another couple years, five or ten years, but all the relationships you have between now and then should be getting better and better as you go along. I learned with having an abusive husband in first marriage that although most the issues were problems that originated with him, that I wasn't without fault either. IN my case, it was more of not knowing what to do. Once I did know, that I should have left him , I did not because of fears, all sorts of fears. I did not become ready to leave a man who abused me until late forties. I do hope that in sharing with ladies who write to Advicenators, that in sharing what I have learned that I can help shed some light in the area of relationships and hopefully cut much shorter the inevitable learning curve we must all go thru to being shorter for you.
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Good couples argue sometimes but they don't start arguing a lot the first 2 months and they do not argue for 4 out of the first 5 months. It is clear the two of you do not get along. You are better off single.
breakup and look elsewhere.
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Hiya! Dr.D here, dont worry, everything is going to be fine. :-)
Distant relationships are hard. You dont get to see your love for a while, you dont get much contact and etc. But what I also see is that you are worried if your boyfriend is not cheating. Truth is, no one knows. He could be checking out a girl at his school, day dreaming and other things.
A few years ago I had a girlfriend, and I loved her. So, so, so much. But the thing is, we weren't in the same school. In fact, she was home schooled. we only saw each other at the days end. But we didnt care. We loved each other. And we werent gonna let this divide us. She had her complete faith in me, that I would never abandon her for another. And she was right. I never did. Because I loved her.
Do you think that you and him have that close of a relationship? it might be hard. And I wont tell you what to do, but I will give you a thought.
You can break up with this guy, and mingle with others, and finally end the strife. Or, you wait, and show you really want his love. And you want to be together. But in my opinion(and this is just a opinion) if he doesnt show commitment like you do. Leave him. Because there are better boys out there for you.
You do you. I wish you good luck
-Dr.D
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