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I think I ruined a new friendship?
So, I recently moved schools and I met this guy. He was the first to talk to me in my History class and I liked him from the start! As time passed he grew more distant. I asked him to join me and some of my other new friends on a trip but he declined both times. I stopped asking after that in fear he was getting annoyed. I have a really hard time talking to people so whenever he would talk to me there would be awkward moments if silence. If I get to know a person in definitely a lot more outgoing, it just takes time. Now he doesn't even talk to me or acknowledge me and I'm too scared to go up to him in fear of annoying him again. Its been a while now and I'm still upset about this. I have listened to a few of his conversations and we have a lot in common. This also might be turning to a slight obsession. I'm just so worried why I always worry what he thinks about me! Any advice on how to take care of this problem?
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You have a very common personality type, those who start out shy/quiet but warm up and are just as outgoing as any extrovert once you are with people you know really well. I get that. The problem may be that he did not get that. By the fact that he was so outgoing as to talk first to someone he didn't know, he most likely is an extrovert. I have been both personalities. Back in HS, I learned how to be cured of social anxiety, which used to just be tossed in with the labeling 'shy'. Although I know now that your personality is more of what I would call shy and social anxiety as not being able to or afraid to talk to any other people but my own family. Yep, I was that bad. As outgoing as I am now, I find that I read peoples faces, expressions pretty well in conversation. I can tell when a person is wondering or questioning something. Even if you can't, you might try to head problems off in the beginning by letting a person you meet first time, know that although you are generally a friendly person with those you know for a while and are comfortable with, that you are really slow to warm up and tend to have a period of time initially when you are feeling more shy, slow to warm up and could come across as having low self esteem or low self confidence until you get to the point of being friends for a while. You could do this in the future with any new people you meet in school. This should stop them from jumping to conclusions that you are too introverted or shy for them to get along with well. The truth is that lots of friendly outgoing people will interact only on a need to basis in daily schedule with anyone who is too introverted or low self esteem, but when it comes to choosing possible new friends, we don't tend trying hard to make friends with such people.Imagince someone a hundredd times worse than your personality type, a person who never warms up once you do, they won't ever look you in the eye and will only sit and listen but never talk, just shrugs and silent facial expressions. I think after a while of having to carry the whole conversation practically, you would find you are not enjoying their company as much as you thought you might. In fact I once went to meet a guy who wrote to me on dating site. I asked if he was (name) and he nodded. Asked if he'd chosen a seat yet, he just pointed out where, I ended up carrying the whole conversation getting no more than a dozen words out of him. Most of those were yes, no, besides just silent shrugs. I told him it would not work out between us. I am too outgoing and need a person who loved to talk with me, sharing their thoughts and asking my opinions.
So don't hold anything against him, as most likely he just got a wrong impression. If you feel theres enough in common to be good friends, then I would approach and say something like, I just wanted to clarify something I should have given a heads up on when you first introduced yourself to me. I am pretty sure you are outgoing, an extrovert, and I can be eventually too, but only with those I have gotten to know well and feel comfortable with. I am one of those slow to start but warm up quickly types. I know we haven't talked since then so I wanted to make sure that a wrong impression of my personality was not the reason.
Who knows, maybe he will give it another try. But if it's something else, thats okay too. As humans, we don't have to prefer being with all types of people, its okay for whatever reason if someone believes they aren't right for you or you for them, even as just friends, then its a matter of personal choice and doesnt mean anything is wrong with you or wrong at all, other than the fact that the two of you are not going to be friends because of something you aren't that cool about or same for the other person. Don't change who you are to get friends, be yourself. But I know from experience in my life that I have more times than I can count when my heads up at the beginning of a meeting has always proved helpful. I don't do it every time, just when I think I see something in their eyes or facial expression or body behavior that seems like they just aren't quite on the same page as you or looked bored, confused, maybe turned off. I headed off lots of stupid misunderstanding in church where misunderstanding seems to happen a heck of a lot more than anywhere else. I even had a pastor tell me of what one parishioner thought of me, that I bad mouthed her kid. That is not me and the pastor was mature enough to know this and told me as he knew I would do the right thing. I went to her and told her that I had not done that and who ever told her had either misunderstood what they saw or heard or were just playing a game, a cruel game on her or plain old just lying to make trouble. Yes, even in church groups. By the end, we were hugging and crying together and never had problem with her again. So even sometimes, not just at first meet, but later on, you may learn that you need to explain yourself to others. People just don't ask questions or give others the benefit of the doubt, but make assumptions too quickly. If you can learn to at least do this, it should smooth out any such problems arising by nipping them in the bud so to speak. I wish you well dear.
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Hiya! Dr.D here, and there is nothing to fear!
Your "obsession" is nothing more then the yearn of friendship. You probably dont know that many people, and this guy was the first out of the crowd to talk to you. So you want to make friends and be part of the school. I can tell you now that I dont know this man. But you do. If you have a lot in common then he is the right person to make a friend out of. I suggest next time you talk to him, you make a strategy of what to say. Like conversation topics like:
1. How is your day?
2. Whats your opinion about that teacher(or something)?
3. Hey have you ever heard of (your favorite thing)?
Questions like that. Dont let this temporary division get between you two. I bet he will give you another chance, and see the person you really are. Smile, laugh, and talk. My personal three things to make a friend. You got a friend in me. So if you need help, go ahead and ask! I am always here to help :-)
-Dr.D
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