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Considering separation after 19 years together (10 years of marriage)
I have been with my husband for 19 years. I'm 35. We have two kids (5&9). He is a great guy, wonderful father and tries his best to treat me well. The truth is, I have lost all the fire with him for the past 5 years. I don't think we would be together if it wasn't for our kids. We have grown apart. I do not want to be intimate with him at all. He doesn't feel the same way. We are two different people. Here us a twist: a guy who I have always called "the one who got away" has randomly appeared in my life! I'm ignoring the fact that his makes me FEEL SOMETHING again to try to address what to do with my marriage. Um losing sleep, I'm completely ridden with anxiety all the time about what divorce would mean for my kids.
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honestly dont ruin a good thing cause a guy who care about is back.he and you did not get together for reason but friendship with the guy may be a option. try counseling with significant other and self. know you married your husband for a reason, just try remember why. if was cause got pregnant, then i'd say leave after talking and divorcing your hubby. but if it was love i say try salvage it the best can and remind yourself the quirks you dont like about this guy. i have to do with my bf, and it works.
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I'm answering in order to affirm the responses of the other wonderful advice givers on this column. You have a great guy who treats you well, and is a great father by your own profession- don't divorce him. That in its own right is worth fighting for, even without children. The well being of your children is simply an important aside. Divorce will negatively impact your children.
Love and marriage are an interesting thing. Sometimes, you won't always feel in love with your spouse, but you still love your spouse. Are you still friends with your spouse? If not, work on that. Try new things together. Make it a point to have fun together. Go on dates, and make an effort for him, like new couples do. Treating an old relationship like a new relationship can bring out what you fell in love with in your spouse.
Communicate your feelings to your spouse. Sharing can help promote emotional intimacy, which helps women with sexual intimacy. From there you both can figure out what you both can do to improve the relationship. If he brushes it off because he feels happy, get outside help. Further emphasize how unhappy you feel. Don't threaten "I'm one step away from leaving you for a former flame," but let him know that the spark is lost, and that you truly do need some form of an intervention to feel happy in the marriage. Find a marriage therapist or a sex therapist if you need to. Warm him up to the idea by telling him that it isn't a permanent fixture, but that it would be nice if you both could commit to the process for a few months. Often, once noted improvement is seen, a reluctant spouse will grow to see the value of the intervention.
You were rather young when you met your husband, so I'm not sure you had many, or any serious prior relationships. When break ups happen, it becomes easy to remember all the wonderful things about the person. Then you start wondering why you broke up, you miss them- it is tumultuous. The one who got away is a distraction. Honestly search yourself to see if you would risk dissolving your household if there were no potential prospects around. You may be curious, but don't learn pain unnecessarily by experience. Marriage is a commitment- for better or for worse. Marriage wasn't invented to make you happy 100% of the time. You will feel a lot of regret if you take an axe to a good thing. When you see couples that have been married for 40-50 years, it's not because they didn't have rough patches. The grass is greener where you water it.
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Don't loose sleep ,did you try a marriage councler ? Honesty always works for me I have been married 20 years , there are things you can do to try to bring the fire back to the relationship . you should tell your husband the truth , he might feel the same , Being truthful is the best policy , any other way will affect the children , and the kids are the most important , and they have a long way to go . there future is what you have to keep in mind when you make any decisions , think long and hard . billy.
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I can understand not having the fire and passion to be intimate together hon. There is something called New relationship energy, the excitement of something or someone new, due to the heightened senses and feelings. Often people mistake this for meaning they both are a good chemistry match. However the new rel. energy can and will fade over time, never lasting over the years. I felt the same with my perfect match in my 2nd marriage. That heightened feeling of passion from the handful of months up to one year, eventually calmed to what we do have between us and tho it doe not feel the same, what we have is now the real thing and we still have chemistry together. Lets say on a scale of 1 to 10 its a 10 now, whereas with new relationship energy it felt off the scale, 20? or something.
This is not the case for you. There fore, I would not advise to consider a separation or divorce until you figure out what happened. It can be very helpful to see a couples counselor/marriage counselor. I am not saying you will see them strictly to patch things up. You both need to discover what changes came along in each of you, or outside stresses that affected your marriage. If you had the fire for all but just 5 of those years, you owe it to yourself, your husband and kids to talk to an objective outside party, a counselor to have it made clear whether there is something that can be done to bring you back to how it was in the beginning. I noticed one child is 5, so this started approximately after he was born. It could very well be an imbalance in your body from the birth and your body not going back to how it was before. Or just the mode of being a parent now of two, does have a dampening affect on the libido if you don't know how to switch easily between parent mode to partner mode and back again. These are things that can be learned. I understand that while not feeling the passion, that it is next to impossible to imagine it could be brought back. But you may rather want to leave that up to a counselor to help you discover.
As has been said, the grass always seems better on the other side. But hon, trust me, I am older and after a divorce cus the husband was abusive, I finally found a wonderful man. However I used a dating site and met a lot of men before him. I had actually given up hope of finding someone because the grass certainly wasn't greener. Almost all of the men ended up being different versions of bad compared to the ex. Lying to me, throwing anger tantrums at me, you name it. And this was all in the first 2 or 3 dates that I got this. I thought perhaps there are no decent men left. There are but there are not many. Then even if I found a couple decent guys, we both recognized in meeting in person that there was absolutely no fire or sizzle between us. You can be happily married and occasionally run across a guy who does make you feel something. So I am addressing that as I have felt that too. See, our bodies are made to be sexual and respond with our senses and feelings and emotions. We may not be looking, happily married with no problems but just because another stranger out there has a good matching chemistry doesn't mean I need to leave my husband or have an affair. It simply is what it is, you are alive and young enough to still feel such things. The only way to not have this happen, to sexually feel something with another, is to be dead. So don't feel guilty or confused about it.
If counseling does not help bring you two to a wonderful place again together, and you divorce, then you will be single and able to start searching for someone.
As for worry as to what divorce will do to the kids, I've been there. I can tell you that divorce is not what messes up the kids, not if you part on friendly terms and still take turns with the kids, allowing him to see them as often as you both decide. What does mess kids up as they are young and still forming their own ideas about life, is to see two parents fighting all the time, or one abusing the other, or the two ignoring each other, no love shown in front of the kids, like stolen kisses, cuddling on the couch, and caressing touches. Kids need to know what is normal and what is not. What they grow up with, no matter how bad, is what will become their 'normal'. I stayed too long with my ex. It messed up two of my 3 girls. The oldest married 3 times, had child with first, another with the 3rd and both of them beat both kids and CPS had to step in. Neither had any idea of what normal was between two people as he had bad family example as well. My middle child does not want to marry and have kids. I understand that some people choose this and doesn't mean they are messed up, but considering the type of man her daddy is, she shies away from any she feels she can not be the leader and control the situation. So only dating wimpy guys and getting tired of them and dumping them to search again for another who is not at middle ground but the totally opposite of what her Dad is, so she gets guys who let her run the relationship and decide on everything. In fact, I have observed her being somewhat unreasonably demanding of her boyfriends, reminding me of the unreasonable demands of my controlling ex. They were teens when I finally divorced. To avoid messing up their psyches, it is best to either repair your marriage, and if that is not possible, then do divorce and both of you find yourself partners you are happier with, who will also treat your kids well and love them. My daughters have formed attachments of a sort to some of the guys I dated before finding my husband who they also love. Kids may cry and say they don't want the parents to part simply because they do not know about the unknown of how things will be after. But mine who said the same before I left him, commented a year later that they could see how it was the right thing and that I looked so much happier. And I didn't have a new love yet. Their concerns for your happiness will be there eventually. They will understand even better as they become older teens, or adults themselves. I do not see divorce as a thing to avoid depending on if the situation requires it.
Good luck dear.
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The expression "The grass is Greener on the other side of the fence." The one who get away; has he made any overtures to you? Is he married? This is important information to know not only to offer you advice but for you before you do something that is irreversible.
You say you don't want to be intimate with your husband; whose fault is it? Maybe you need to park the kids with the grandparents and take a romantic vacation. Buy some sexy nightwear and undergarments. Initiate sex; satisfy some fantasies you both may have that you can't at home because of the kids.
You have 19 years with this man sex becomes routine. Find ways to change things in your sexual routine. Have a conversation with your husband about your sex life. A relationships need conversation and a sexual relationship definitely needs one even between man and wife if it is stay healthy.
Most importantly before you pull the plug on you marriage is to answer the two questions I posed. For while the grass may look greener on his side of the fence, the grass where you are may be more nourishing. The one that got away did so for a reason.
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