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abusive relationship..
Today my boyfriend hit me, and not just once, and not consecutively...but each blow came from a burst of anger Coming out alongside aggressive words. Right to my head. Now I will say he held back (he is much bigger and if he really wanted to do damage he could have done much more). We have a long history. We dated before. He is the first real romantic partner I had who I was head over heels for. I still am. I'm totally hopelessly in love with a maniac. So the first go around we broke up because we both did not communicate our feelings well and he was also very jealous and possessive and there were problems with substance abuse. He is also or was diagnoses with Being bi polar. I take this seriously, and unfortunately I'm very patient and overly understanding. We spent three years apart...we both are still in love...circumstance reunited us and I have been so happy. I could tell he was making a real effort to change. He does small things to show me he Cares, he really listens when I talk, he has patience now...no more fits of jealousy. We typically avoid alcohol, because it is not good for either of us. Occasionally we have a couple beers...today maybe we had one too many. I didnt do anything to anger him (even if I did I know that's not an okay response).
As you can imagine I am very confused now. He also left me stranded in the dark in a place im not familiar with! In fact another man in his car pulled up and asked me if I wanted to make some money. Sick.
So we have also been going through nicotine withdrawal and that is no joke either ! Once he acted out....it got worse, I think he WAs so shocked and embarrassed that he RAN with it and it escalated from there..
I am feeling pathetic because I do not want it to end and yet I know how bad that was and how this does not sound good...and in most cases these things not only continue but get worse. But I strongly believe we can make things work in a healthy way and that this was due to alcohol and nicotine withdrawal. We have the same views and life goals, and I really love everything...but he hit me in the head and he feels like he is a threat to me. He did research and is now seing the abusive traits in his personality.
If we continue I will remember to tale alcohol more seriously and avoid drinking with him.
Feedback on getting help or moving forward?
He has also always had a temper ...one time I was at his house and he kicked in a table after fighting with his parents, but I've never seen him hit his mom..
:(
We have been traveling together for a month, car camping and backpacking.
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Hitting is unacceptable , time to end that relationship , sounds like he needs professional help it will only get worse , you need to separate till he gets the councling he needs , very dangerous relationship . billy ..
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I will expand on what Askandy and adviceman have shared. They are sharing the truth and what is best, take it from me, a woman who was verbally abused her whole marriage to a guy who was an usher at church. He had one face he showed to the public and another in how he treated me behind closed doors. It does get worse over time. So now i will go over what you are doing that is all part of the process of breaking away from an abuser. I was 20 when I married. The bad behavior started a couple months after we married. He fooled everyone outside of our relationship, friends, my family and church people. Once the abuse started, I was making excuses for his behavior or trying to rationalize away how it wasn't that bad. You are doing the exact same things any abused woman does, not just me. When you said he could have hit you harder but held back, you are trying to justify that while it wasn't right, it was not all that bad cus it could have been worse. An abused person tends to lose their ability to reason well and the stress of waiting for the next eruption and experiencing the mistreatment, been there, done that. Next you try to rationalize away the reason why he is beating you. As stated, there is never a reason that can be found that is justifiable. My excuses were for example, "Well he recently got laid off his job so he's upset" or "He's upset cus our vehicle broke down and we have no money to fix it." What i didn't realize back then was that a real true being in love with each other means this love can last a lifetime and can weather all the storms that life can throw at you. This means you both never hit each other, makeup quickly and find resolutions if you disagree on them. But as for real fighting, arguing or violence, it does not belong in any relationship, especially not a couples relationship. I am not making up things that sound nice, so if you don't believe what I just told you about love, ask adviceman. He's been married longer than me, I believe and can verify that what I shared is how it should be, and how it can be if you find the right person. That is why we all agree you are with the wrong person and should leave immediately. A police report is equally important in case a pattern of his past behavior is ever needed. He won't get arrested but what he did will go into a police report.
Next. you state he is jealous and possessive. Men who act this way more often are males who feel threatened by other males even looking your way They have such a low self esteem that they already believe they are going to lose you to another man. In my ex's case, his mind got twisted as a child (not an excuse here but what his psychologist found out.) His mom was in hospital for a bout with some disease and overheard Dr. telling his Dad that Mom might not pull through and die. So in his mind he always feared being abandoned by first Mom and then still believed that when he dated before me and also while married to me. Because I was trusting God to help out here, I stuck with him no matter what, taking the abuse, praying for him to be healed, but he did some weird mental thing because he saw that I was not leaving him as others had so he began to treat me badly in order to force me to leave him so he could then proclaim that his fear came true, only because he was self fulfilling his prophecy that all women in his life would leave him and abandon him. I stuck with him 30 yr and thru 3 kids. Once the kids are there, its harder to make a break away. I once looked into it and found I wouldn't be able to afford a place on my own salary. Later when it got much worse and I was ready to leave, I found that there are many shelters for abused women but they cater only to those who are physically battered, not verbally abused. There are no bruises visible to the eye to verify I was abused, in case I was just trying to find emergency housing but wasn't abused and only pretending. I still carried the scars on the inside where people couldn't see.
Now, a comment Andy made, is what I'd like to confirm next. He mentioned something about not loving yourself because you are in this situation. It is one thing to make a misjudgement but at the first sign of trouble to dump the guy and never get back together. That;s not what I am talking about though. I am spiritual so I did pray and finally heard something back that confirmed what a friend said about my not loving myself. My first reaction was that I did indeed love myself. When God spoke, it was "Maybe you love yourself in 90% of things and situations, but its in one area that you do not love yourself. You are choosing to not love yourself fully 100% because you are allowing yourself to remain in this abusive situation. At the time I heard this, I was in my early forties and the kids were teens. Let me tell you what was happening to me stress wise because of the situation. Most women will lose their self esteem and have emotional problems due to this bad treatment. But due to my relationship with God, it helped me stay rational in my mind. The stress instead went to my body in physical problems. I suffered tensions headaches most days of the week and had occasional migraines too. My blood pressure went up, I often got all over body stress rashes that itched like hell, I got stomach ulcers to name a few. The same will happen to you if you stay. Either you lose your mind or lose your physical health due to the stress. Now I continue as to the big whammy God laid on me. "If you do not leave this relationship within the next 4 years, you will die of stress related disease such as heart attack or cancer. I know cancer can have other causes but stress is also one. When I heard that, I wanted to be around to see my kids married and to be a grandmother. So I finally made to move to leave him. He wouldn't go for a divorce so I attempted to go stay with friends out of state taking my 2 still at home but they didn't want to leave. So I was leaving behind my kids in effort to save myself. Yeah maybe it sounds selfish and that is another unreasonable track of thinking that kept me from leaving this bad relationship. I felt like I shouldn't be thinking of myself first, and preserving my hide. But again God saids that the bible verse about loving the Lord your God and your neighbor as yourself, is misunderstood often. Because the word 'neighbor' is listed before the word 'yourself' people mistakenly believe that they must learn to love their neighbor before we can truly love ourselves. That is in fact backwards. Gods love can not flow through us to others if we don't know how to love ourselves first. So hon, this is an important thing for you to learn because until you do, you will not leave him and you will not be in any good position for finding a good man after, not until you have really learned to love yourself.
NOt trying to shame you or say bad things about you. I've been thru this. You may say, I was never hit. Well, he did shove me quite a few times very hard so that I would my balance and almost fall, just catching myself. This was near the end of our marriage and a retired counselor friend told my husband that he needed to go see a psychologist. I could never point out that he had issues and ask him to go because he did a mental mechanism where in order to take the focus off himself and what he was doing, he'd point the finger at me, in private or in public, even at church and said that I was the problem in the marriage and I needed counseling. What I needed was only to love myself enough to leave him. Otherwise, his counselor, found nothing wrong with me. I found out later he only went to appts to pretend, in hopes to keep me. Were there any good times? Heck yes, in the beginning. A man like this who abuses set a cycle in motion where he abuses you, then calms enough to feel horrified at what he did and ask for forgiveness. That then ushers in a 'Honeymoon period' where all is okay...not great but just okay. Then things build up in him and he abuses you again, apologizes and the cycle starts all over again. What I know from 30 years of that is that in the beginning, the honeymoons periods were longer and the abusive ones shorter. However as time went on, the honeymoon period got shorter and the abusive part of the cycle lasted longer until at the end of our marriage, there no longer was that makeup time and he was abusive 24/7. You don't want to have kids with someone like this. You didn't mention any. But if there are, heres another thing to think about. Though he didn't verbally abuse the children like he did me, he did yell at them which is in itself an abusive form of communicating. Whatever he had to say could have always been said with loving and kindness. He got a girlfriend right after I left, a live in gf, so the two kids still at home could witness that he was treating her the same as he had done me. After about 6 yrs of abuse from him, she left him too. The kids now realize Dad was the problem all along. But unfortunately, growing up with him for a Dad left its mark on them. One is avoiding getting close to anyone and dates only socially but won't get near getting married. Another chose a person who is so messed up mentally and my kid is off depression meds. THat oombo has caused such painful things as cutting off the whole family. This 3rd marriage partner isn't the father of her child and my grand daughter got physically beaten by both of them and her birth dad got a call from CPS in another state. Only one child has found a good partner and is married and expecting. So children just witnessing a dad abusing mom is enough to mess them up in finding a good relationship themselves. Another thing I can tell you is that statistics show that women go through trying to leave an abusive partner many times before she is successful and able to move on.
In your case, since you are physically abused, you can find emergency housing for battered women. Most larger cities should have at least one if not many such organizations. It doesn't cost you anything. They can help provide you with resources to get a job, I know of one place that also had free business attire to give away. The kids if any get to stay with mom. SO even if you are in a smaller town without such help for battered women, you can still find it in another city nearby. If you have relatives, call them and ask for help. Even now while traveling with him. YOu are in a dangerous postion, probably feeling stuck cus you are away form home and support of family. But don't let that hold you back dear. I hope you can break away from this guy, much sooner than later.
Blessing to you.
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This man does not love you. That is the most important thing you need to understand from this comment. He does not love you. He does not respect you. There is a man out there who will love you. He will have similar life goals and plans. And he will never hit you. He won't be prone to anger. You need to get to the root of why you don't love YOURSELF enough to believe this. You love this man, who I repeat, DOES NOT love you, more than you love yourself. Don't make any more excuses for him. He is an abuser.
I speak to many women like you, and I can assure you your feelings are normal. Unhealthy, but normal. You need to make a decision and stick to it. As you can assume, the best answer in this situation is to break up with this man and get a safe distance away from him. Easier said than done in these situations, but 100% worth doing. Better to do it now (when prayerfully, you don't have kids with him). I am optimistic that you will heed good counsel the first time around.
Some things to keep you safe. Consider pressing charges. Call the police so there is a record. Even if you don't break up with him, (which you should, as soon as safely possible) a record will be available so that when you decide to seek protective services if you choose to leave further in the future, you can get that help immediately.
Consider getting a restraining order against him. This again will show protective officers that you have a reason to be afraid of him, so that in the event that later on down the line, that you may need greater protective measures, they will help you.
Finally, if you and your boyfriend live together, get a police escort to help you move out your things (once you secure a safe alternative accommodation). There are many places that will be glad to help you, near you. Many churches will happily take you in. Do an incognito google search for help in intimate partner violence situations.
Tell one person you trust what happened. At the very least, tell one person that your boyfriend isn't the nicest guy. They can even live across the country from you, if you don't want to risk them ruining your relationship (that I'll repeat, needs to end, preferably as soon as it can be done safely). I say this in the terrifying event that he did something worse than what has already happened- that individual may be the only person who can help you. Also, make an emergency kit- it can be an emergency purse. Something you can grab and go with in a hurry if it ever became necessary. It can have a blanket and some cash and a list of important numbers you could call in the event you need to flee without grabbing everything you need.
If I were in your shoes, I would break up with him tomorrow. I would tell a friend I was going to break up with him and where I was going to do it (I would pick a public place). I would block him off of everything, and change my number. I would also move as soon as possible, and proceed to get police protection. Finally, I would seek out therapy in order to learn how to properly grieve the loss (because losing a relationship, even with an abuser, is a loss). Therapy will help you navigate these changes in your life, in addition to helping you discover and address the root of why you don't love yourself as much as an intelligent, beautiful, worthy woman like yourself should.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233
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You have a number of problems here that I want to address with you. The first two are equally important. Since he het you and hurt you I will address that first.
No one has the right to hit another person especially a man hitting a woman. This is a trait that is part of his personality and one that will be with him for life as personality disorders are not correctable.
You are in danger as next time he loses his temper he could harm you even more. This has nothing to do with the alcohol or nicotine withdrawal. You need to get away from him. I know you love him but your love will not change him.
You should report him to the police for hitting you. For what is wrong with his personality cannot be fixed. The courts can order him to anger management classes that might, I say might help him control his temper.
The other problem is his Bipolar disorder. There is no cure for bipolar disorder though it can in many cases be well managed with medication. This is where the problem lies. In some cases the medication is so strong that the person stops taking it because they feel they are in a daze. The other problem is the medication works so well they feel they are cured and go off their medication and relapse.
Someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder needs to be seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis for medication management and treatment. If your boyfriend is not on medication and not seeing a psychiatrist regularly as in every 2 to 3 months; then he is either undiagnosed or falls into of the problems I wrote about above.
If he is a diagnosed bipolar then he needs to get back on his medications. He needs to NOT DRINK as alcohol and the medication for bipolar disorder do not mix. If he wishes to stop smoking that too needs to be done under the care of his psychiatrist not on his own.
If he is a true bipolar anything he does that changes the physical make of off his body, and smoking affects this, needs to be done under medical supervision.
Most importantly though is you should not be in a car with him if he is bipolar and not on his medication. You should not be traveling with him if he cannot control his temper and hits you. It does not matter where he hits you; he has no right to hit you at all.
My advice is to get out at the next town or the town you’re in now that has a bus, rail or airport and go home. IF you have to call your parents for money do so there is no shame in asking for help in this situation. I'm sure your parents will want to see to your safety.
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