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question about why people leave me
Hi,
I might be a bit old for this site. I don't know. I use to come here in my childhood.
I have a personal question and need advice.
I grew up a foster child and from a dysfunctional family.
From the three families, I think I was raised well over all and turned out pretty decent. I'm an introvert so I'd say I'm good at reading people and have a good gauge for what people think.
Throughout my years since childhood I've made friends and lost those friends. Not entire loss for some; some just have grown apart.
I had in my opinion some very close connections. Some of those people wouldn't as much have me as a Facebook friend now.
How could I have been so close at one point in my life and they not care or wonder about me now?
How do you have close connections with people and not want to maintain them later on like family?
Was their interpretation of the friendship lacking love?
I sincerely don't get it.
I loved my friends. Genuinely did and do. My heart doesn't change in that regard. I don't believe in superficial relationships.
Maybe I don't do friendship right?
Sometimes I feel it could be my reputation.
Not that I'm into anything bad, albeit I have had some bad roads at one time.
I see some of those friends with only attractive people as their Facebook friends. I have scars and less wealth. My lip is sort of disfiguring, although some say I only notice it. I can't afford the masks they put on their faces or the adornments they put on their bodies.
Maybe my way of thinking is it like as that last sentence?
Could it be my lack of family or friends that makes people not want to add anything to my low status of relationships? Or in my culture popular psychology is presented with false truths about people when it comes to their lack of relationships? For example, she has no friends therefore something is wrong with her?
For the record, I do have somewhat friends. We'd be closer if I had transportation. I some friends that hold lower status. I guess maybe people have bias to that so I don't take pictures with my lower status friends. I know that sounds bad and it is. There's a secondary reason. I don't want the whole reflection that I'm like them because some of them are sort of into something I don't do. Like I said, I don't really do anything bad.
Am I right? People only care about people if they first meet their standards when it comes to the surface?
Is the world like a rating system like on the show Dark Mirror season 3?
Is maybe my score too low so people wouldn't even considering engaging with me?
I have always had rejection issues. Maybe that, too, has something to do with it.
What should I do? What should I change?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hi! i'm really glad I received this question in my inbox because I have gone through some similar issues. I first found this website when I was 14. My mom found it online one day, accidentally, and she shared it with me. I am now 26 and I still use this site. I use to write here about advice on my first kiss and recently, I posted a question about trying to get pregnant I've seen questions from the younger crowd and from grandparents on here, so I don't think anyone is too old for this site. It's about reaching out and finding people to engage with about our day to day issues.
Regarding your life in foster care, I can relate a little because I am adopted. I found out I was adopted when I was 18. This new found information brought out a lot of emotions, including betrayal, and finally acceptance. I've met my biological parents and that has meant including more family into my life.I process a lot of my emotions through writing and music, two things that are meant to be shared. I run a blog and I have a youtube channel. Naturally, issues regarding adoption (like not being told for so long, and how "grateful" is the only feeling socially acceptable for adoptees). I also started writing a lot about my faith after accepting Christ into my life.
Before any of this, I would consider myself to have been VERY superficial. I would stay home from school if I was having a bad day and paid a fortune to look tan all the time. Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with wanting to look your best. But, there is a fine line between self grooming and self absorption. I was the latter. I have changed so much since those days. I find that the more I expressed myself and the more I talked about my faith in God, the more friends I lost. I was friends with this one girl from the time that I was in second grade. She didn't even remember my birthday this year. I'm not going to lie. It really hurts. In my heart of hearts, despite our growing apart over the years, I always saw her as family and didn't imagine in a million years that she would forget my birthday.
People are uncomfortable with what is different, particularly if they are superficial. Some people want to surround themselves with people that don't show their feelings. They want a friendship on facebook photos, but they don't want to be your friends in times of trouble. You and I are both people who like to give. We give our hearts and our friendships. So, we are surprised when others don't give that back. Sadly, they are cowardly. They can't deal with some of the harsh realities that you and I have had to face in our lives.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are open. You are not afraid. You are courageous. They wish they could only be a half of what you are. But, they cannot, which is why they need to find other superficial people to engage with.
I hope that this helps. If you have any other questions, please feel free to message me directly. You can also contact me on this website:
cristymarxo.wordpress.com
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Those who judge you and refuse to be your friend because you are "lower status" than they are, don't deserve your time. But it seems you judge others for being "lower status" too. What goes around comes around...
Looking at facebook to judge yourself is a terrible idea. Facebook should just be called "fakebook". People just put what they want others to see. Their perfectly fake lives. I've also had friends that rejected being my FB friend, eventhough we had been working together for years and got along fine. At first I was offended, then I remembered the 2nd agreement (from the 4 agreements) and it says "Don't take anything personally." I just decided to not give a damn. Then all its power to make me feel bad went away. I also recommend that you stop following people that make you feel bad because of their supposed perfect lives.
I'm guessing you're still young because you mention that whole "status" thing so much. That's not a healthy way to look at yourself or other people. Looking at someone with "higher status" with envy will just make you feel bad and resent them. I'm guessing that's already happening with your facebook "friends" that only hang out with attractive people. Don't compare yourself to others. Because someone will always be higher or lower than you. One will give you envy, the other will make you a shitty person for looking down on people. Makes it sound like you're no better than your friends you judge for leaving you out of things because of your "status". Then you turn around and judge others who are "lower status" probably similarly to how you are judged by those who are "higher status".
Also, if you concentrate on rejection and have the mentality that you have "rejection issues" will only give you more of the same. The subconscious mind will look to re-enforce the beliefs you hold and will seek evidence and point it out to you if you come across it. Re-enforcing those things. Which just make you feel worse and more rejected.
Studies show that social media can have a negative impact on your self esteem if you resent your friends for having better lives than you (at least that's what they show). So you might wanna take a break from it or at least unfollow those people that make you feel bad.
Friendships fade away sometimes. That's just a part of life. No need to get bent out of shape because of it. Nurture the relationships you do have. But don't be too distraught if eventually some of those fade too. Its just a part of life. People and their interests change. You worry way too much about what other people think. The less you care about what people think, the less these questions about 'whether you are "worthy" or if your "social status" is good enough' will come up. Because who cares what they think? They're just a bunch of Aholes anyway.
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You have asked a variety of questions on the same topic. You are in part over analyzing the question. The key word in your question is childhood. Childhood friends, friends made in high school are just that. When we all graduate from high school we all tend to go our separate ways. Many of us go off to colleges in different parts of the Country. Some of us join the military and a few stay home and co to the local community college while a few try to find work and remain as they were in high school.
For those who have gone off to college or the military the saying; “You can never go home again,” is very appropriate. When you leave home your world expands. Just leaving high school causes your world to expand. The problem is you expand in different directions and no longer have anything in common. You make new friend who have nothing in common with your old friends.
When I finished high school my parents could not afford college for me. The military draft was still active and the Vietnam War was on. I joined the Air Force and went to college on base after my work shift. I would come home on leave during the holidays when my friends would be home and they were different. I was forced to grow up much faster than them. I was seeing things they would never see or ever deal with. Even after my hitch was up I came home and joined the fire service. Here again I had to deal with things no one should ever have to deal with. Those of my friends that were still living in the area could understand why I did what I did and I could not understand where they were coming form. We drifted apart eventually I moved to another state which had better paying opportunities in my chosen career.
To sum up it is not you; it is not them it is just life.
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Hi Hon,
It sounds like you have valid concerns. We all need to be liked or loved by someone. I do not know if there is anything you are doing that might be hurting to relationships. But in lots of things in life, theres always a 2nd side to each story. So I am sure whatever people are now choosing not to associate with you feel they also have valid reasons whether they are right or not.
My suggestion would be to see a professional because they are the ones with experience in psychology and especially human nature. If you really do have something that could be changed for the better, it sounds like you are willing to do it.
So if a counselor were working with you and you made what ever improvements they suggest, then at least, you could have the peace of mind that it isn't you anymore causing issues. You may have to choose friends more wisely in the future and sometimes it is good to have an outside party know what type of people befriend you or you them and how you meet and what those relationships are like and at what point or exactly how they go sour. We aren't born knowing everything so it is good to learn something simple like how to choose good friends and how to be a good friend in return. I am grandma age. If I look back over the years, I can say that even if I never really did anything really terrible either, that I have had to learn lots in my lifetime about many things, one big one being how to get along with just about anyone who crosses my path, not that I would choose everyone who tries to befriend me as a friend. Lately, my husband and I have had issues with 3 different people who know where we hang out for internet, know our vehicle and one even drove around looking for our van to find us. These are all people who would seem at first glance to be nice normal people, however, human nature is when first meeting someone, to want to put your best foot forward and if there isn't much good about you, people do know deep down they have issues but are not interesting in improving at all, just hiding it behind a false persona. If enough time passes, after a month or two, if you know what to look for, you can begin to see the inconsistancies and that they are not who they portray themselves to be. We do nothing to encourage these people and yet they are drawn to us. We are kind and helpful and Godly people who must somehow come across as a light in the dark to moths. And these people come but truly do not want to change and we have had to confront them with the games they are playing. Its not an easy thing to do but hey, in life we are going to always have issues with people who are not the type of people we like and want to hang out with. We can't escape having to interact with other humans on some level or another in life and its life long. Unless you're a hermit living out in the wild, we all need to learn how to handle humans in general, and how to examine ourselves for anything that might be affecting any problems we have. If you see a professional for nothing else than just your rejection issues, that is a good start but I don't believe that is the only thing causing your situation. I wish you the best.
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