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How can I tell my mom I don't want to stay with her any longer?
Hello, I'm currently visiting my mom over winter break (from college) and originally I told her I would stay until the 8th, but I just can't stand being here anymore and I want to go back home to my place on campus. I know she's going to be hurt but I hate being here.
I'm just really tired of being around her and I need time alone. She's constantly in my business and trying to control everything I do. She won't let me buy anything without asking where I got the money to buy it and getting angry with me. She's constantly asking if I paid my bills (which I did already or they aren't due yet). She's overfeeding my cat and giving him too much attention so now he cries when he's left alone and I'm afraid now when I take him back to campus he's going to meow whenever I'm not there and make my roommate angry.
I want to dye my hair and get my nails done before the new semester starts but she started yelling at me about that too saying I'm wasting money and that she refuses to let me.
I can only watch tv shows she likes or else she gets upset. If she sees me trying to catch up with friends she gets offended.
I can't snack after she goes to bed for fear of waking her. She keeps the AC off all the time so it's way too hot here and I feel like I'm burning up, but every time I turn it on she goes and turns it off.
She filled my room here with a bunch of her junk so I feel extremely claustrophobic and she won't let me move anything. There's not even ten feet of walking room.
The neighbor is constantly playing his music extremely loud and I can't concentrate on doing work, but she won't let me place a complaint with her landlord.
I feel like if I'm here much longer we're going to get in an extremely nasty fight because I'm so pissed at her.
I told her last night I might leave a few days early and she said "Don't you dare!" I don't know why she even wants me to continue staying here when I've made it obvious the last few days how miserable I am.
I tried to talk to her about these things already, but she doesn't listen or pretty much just says "It's my home, my rules!".
I could just leave, but that would cause a huge rift.
Please help!
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Your mother has never learned how to be content with what she has in life, always feeling something needs her fixing or meddling. This is her problem, not yours. All you can do is create your own boundaries and do not give control of your life over to her. While in her home, her house rules must be obeyed but other than that you are an adult. House rules like quiet after a certain point in time is a reasonable house rule.
Deciding when a guest may leave is NOT a house rule. Filing a complaint with landlord is her territory so if she didnt care about the noise, then you remove yourself from the noise by leaving moms. Your action of leaving wouldn't be to spite her, but simply an action to her inaction by choice.
Some parents don't do well with the switch from role of parenting to no longer parenting. Its a different role now with parents as sounding boards for advice IF asked to do so, no volunteering info. Your mother is going to continue to choose drama and ultimatums to control you but you need to realize it is all her doing and choosing. You do realize the 'huge rift' she holds over your head from her previous actions is already in some ways got you confused on how to go about avoiding a rift. You already know what she will do. Its not about what you do to cause it. People have choices and as adults we should have learned to control our emotions and other things better. Mom just may never have learned or chosen this way due to the way she was being raised. There are many children in adult bodies and sometimes, those happen to be relatives. I know its awkward hon, but when a child is technically an adult, the parent must stop making demands and allow the adult child to run its own life the best it can. Yes, you will make mistakes, we all do. But your mother does not get to choose from among her mistakes and decide what paths to relive her life through you to get it right. Thats not how it works. She still needs to learn that for herself without you involved, but maybe a professional involved if she ever sees a need for a life coach.
You need to be stern and tough about your own life, and guard it like a precious jewel cus in reality, this is the only life you have, you can't switch to someone else right now. So you must move forward with establishing your own independance, And that will require a tough love. Doing what is right for you and ultimately her too so she sees she has a controlling problem. Like a child that throws a tantrum on the grocery aisle floor, your mom will have own or several of her own but caving in to those tantrums will not help her or you. Don't fear her threats, even if she pulls away all contact for a long time. I have both parents do that at different times cus they were divorced, when I was young and married. They felt they didn't get something they wanted when they threw a tantrum and Dad was able to convince even a sister once that his tantrum was valid and i in the wrong and she stopped talking to me to half a year. Hon, these kinds of things do happen in regular families. None of us are perfect. Just don't let the fear of her pulling away cause you to cave in to her demands. Be the adult and put a stop to these tantrums and ultimatums of hers but not letting them affect you. Ignore them when you hear them and continue to tell her exactly what you are willing to do or not and then carry thru on it no matter how hard she is screaming or yelling or cursing.
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It appears your mother is a controller and trying to control you. If you are in college I will assume you are 18 or older which make you legally and adult. Unless mom has something else to hold over you such as college tuition she is paying, then legally she can not control you every move. Her only hold on you would be by manipulation using the college tuition as the device to control you.
If mom has no such hold on you then by all means pack up and return to school. The sooner you plant the flag of independence the better for you. As a controller until your 18th birthday mom had ultimate legal control over you. No she has lost that legal control but is trying to excerpt it through 18 years of adherence to her orders.
If you do not stand up for your independence now moms control over you will get stronger and continue even into your married life. People who talk badly about their mother in-laws are generally talking about a controlling mother in-law. Controlling mother in-laws have been the cause of many failed marriages.
My suggestion is do what you need to do and deal with whatever fall out afterwards but do not give in. Tell mom you will not allow her to control your every move.
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