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Help making friends
24/f
I've never had close friends since I was 8 years old. Thinking about this has always made me feel painfully sad but I don't know what to do anymore. I've never had a group of people to just hang out during the weekend, and I can't figure out what's wrong with me.
Some background:
My family moved country when I was 8. I was sent to very affluent girl only middle school and high schools where I was at the bottom of the social ladder and faced mean-girl style bullying. My mom was also pretty controlling and has OCD so she didn't let me go out much or always made me take along my older brother who has Aspergers to the few things I was invited to.
I thought college would be better but it wasn't. I was in hospital for a while so ended up going to college when I was 21. I made a few distant friends but generally felt out of place since I'm older. The few friends I do have I like a lot but I'm not that close to them and I only hang out with each one once a week just the two of us to have dinner/ run/ workout together.
I don't know how to become more normal with my social life. I know I'm quiet and shy. I look pretty average so I know it's not because I have a beard or bad b.o. or something.
I started going to church and the people there are friendly but I'm still very new there so don't know if I will make friends there. I just moved away from my mom into a place with 4 housemates who are friendly but I don't know how housemate friendships work.
How do you make close friends? I feel like theres a technique or something that I just never figured out.
My worst fear is that I will always spend my weekends alone or if I ever get married I will have about 3 people to invite.
Any advice is appreciated.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
The first thing you should do is find a reputable therapist who can work with you on finding confidence, loving yourself, feelings you have surrounding all of this and teaching you how to get on well socially. That's where I would start.
You really have to purge all of the negative shit from the past including what happened with bullying and how your parents restricted you from socializing at all and the impact your mother's OCD has had on you as an adult. Until you can make peace with and or better yet move on unaffected it will bother you and you'll be unhappy.
The thing is people probably do want to be your friend but they can see that you aren't comfortable or confident and may have backed off when they see you shy or not interacting easily.
You may also haven't read signals properly from potential friends. You also have to give any friendship time to blossom on its own and become lasting. Don't worry you'll learn how to achieve this.
If you like people from church and want certain people as friends try inviting these young people to bowling, movies etc. etc. or tell them you are new and haven't met friends or anyone your age yet and ask if they would like to hangout some time. That would help you. Maybe they have a choir or youth group (under 25 is still youth) or theater group or something like some churches. Find out and get active there.
You also have to know that people aren't out to hurt you and actually do want to know who you are and what you are about. If you keep this in mind it may help you.
The best things I know to boost confidence in a hurry are self-defense programs. You are always working with others in class and develop friends easily with same goals and from different backgrounds. It really boosts confidence in yourself especially if it is the basement when you start.
The other is to do an improv class through parks and rec or programs offered elsewhere in the city for adults. They force you to interact with people from all backgrounds and learn how to relate to others and solve problems as a group. Lots of potential for friends. In fact, if you search for this you may find improv programs designed specifically for people with anxiety and other social issues.
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Being a shy person around people I don't know, I can feel your pain!
Give the people at church a chance. I have found a lot of people will see shyness as being stuck up, or a snob. WE know that isn't true, but that's the way its seen a lot of the time. So, as hard as it might be, you need to try to interact more with the people around you.
Do you see someone reading a book you liked? Start a conversation about it. Look for school groups or local things of interest with a facebook page. I know, it sounds silly, but maybe you could make a few friends via social media first, then meet them face to face. Do you have anything in common with your housemates? Just jump in an get involved with things.
Always be cautious of course when meeting in person. Stay public until you get to know them well, Male or female.
Maybe volunteer somewhere. Get more involved doing things with your workout friend too. See if she'd like to meet on another day & do something else. Just have to try to beat that shyness & talk to people. :)
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