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Twin is lonely-how can I help?
I'm 20/f and I'm worried about my twin sister.
She has had a really bad year in terms of losing different jobs for different reasons and also she doesn't seem to be able to make and keep up with friends.
We're turning 21 next week and having a meal out . I've invited mu friends from uni and the one friend my twin has can not come because it's too late for her to get home. So she won't have any friends there.
We're both pretty shy but I've learnt to come out of my shell since being at uni. She has also lived away from home at a different uni and has struggled to make any friends.
I think it's because when we were growing up I was always the one who made friends with people and she'd just tag along.
I feel sorry for her...she's always posting on social media how down she feels. It's clear to me she wants to make friends but she doesn't know how. Im ok with her bwing friends with my friends... but also i'd like her to make the effort herself and build her own group up as my friends are not really like her.
She is a lovely girl , but is very shy in social situations and I've also observed tells new people (my friends) alot on the first meeting -almost too much ya know? I think she just needs to 'get' how to socialise and what to say etc then she'll be fine. she goes to a dance club but friendships don't extend outside of the classes each week.
How can I help her become confident and make friends and ultimately be happy? Because I can't be happy knowing she's struggling. Thanks!
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Sometimes all someone needs is an ear. If you are worried try to talk to her about it and how you both feel about it, but don't push too much.
Also shyness isn't something that will just go away. If she's an introvert she'll probably only be able to handle a small amount of time around people before it becomes a pain. There are some times when you can't avoid people so try helping her step out of her comfort zone. Doing this can be as simple as smiling at someone or adding a few comments into a conversation.
Also a few tips that help are standing up straighter, saying people's names (but don't overdo it), and looking people in the eye (if this is uncomfortable than the bridge of the nose).
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Would you agree that changing to becoming less shy and over outgoing, self confident and such is a change for the better? Of course. But the tricky thing is that the only change that happens involving a person, change for the better, can't happen because someone else has held someones hand and gone with them through the process, showing them the way.
Theres a saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
The principle here is that you can show her all the tricks how to make friends herself. Just like showing the horse water. But like the horse, she needs to be ready to admit she doesnt have friends, like the horse realizing it is thirsty, and the next step would be to want to do whatever it takes to slake that thirst, which for the horse means drinking the water unless it realizes it smells and looks off, and could make him sick if he drank it.
Same for sis, she needs to want to gain friends and also be picky enough to not go for just any old person but only those who are right for her as a real true friend and won't be hurtful to her.
There is a lot of good self help out there in books and maybe there are some good you tube videos as well. The best thing you can tell her is that she needs to become the kind of person she would like to have for a friend. This would include, having a friend who likes to have a chance to share whats going on with them, not just hearing about you. This is alot like placing yourself in the other persons shoes. So this would mean sis has to work on first asking others about themselves and being willing to listen, really listen and care so she can offer suggestions or help or just a hug, and then later, take the time to talk about herself.
And it would be a good idea if she agrees she wants to work on this, to go get some good books.
Doesnt sound like she has exactly what I suffered in HS, extreme social anxiety. If thats the case, then the book "When anxiety attacks" may be of help. But I sense its more about how to conversationalize with people and there are books for that. GO shopping together, ask someone at bookstore regarding what you're looking for and they will show you a couple books. Pay heed to the section thats its found in, most likely a self help section and start looking at the other books as well. Then read it together and you can then help her to actively work on chapter at a time as you invite her out to hang with you and your friends.
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