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Should I Feel Bad About Not Making My Sister My Kid's Legal Guardian?
When my nephew was about four months old, my sister told me that she and her husband had named me as my nephew's legal guardian in their will simply because I was already his godmother. I was very surprised and touched, especially because at the time, I felt I was the most unqualified of anyone who could have taken him. I was 28 years old, unmarried, temporarily unemployed, didn't have my own place to live, and had zero experience caring for a child on my own. I thought they were crazy for choosing me. I was the only adult in the baby's life who had ANY of those problems and I lived nine hours away from them and still do, as opposed to my brother in law's entire side of the family.
Recently, I had to rewrite my will and when naming a legal guardian for MY children in the event of my death, my sister wasn't even on the list of prospective guardians and it makes me feel very guilty, especially since she and her husband obviously had so much faith in me to take good care of their son when they made their will. The thing is, my sister has nothing to do with it. I think she's a wonderful mother and there are few people I'd trust as much to raise my children. It's my brother in law, who is the problem.
I do NOT want my brother in law, Matthew to raise my children for many reasons, including that I just don't want my kids to turn out like Matthew. He's rude, anti social, vulgar foul mouthed, selftish, arrogant, disrespectful, and shallow. He drinks too much and pushes others around him to do the same and he has an anger issue. I would really hate for my kids to develope these qualities.
I also don't want him to push my kids to be like him the way he pushes my nephew, Lane to do so. Matthew is a very avid hunter and fisherman and has not given Lane the choice not to take part in those activities as well. I have a lot of kids, almost all boys, and only one has the slightest interest in hunting while none of them like fishing. They like target shooting, but not hunting. Most of my boys are athletes and very much like sports. One (who I love very much and don't mean to insult) is kind of a nerd and likes things like comic books and video games, and one is into theater. My daughter likes things like swimming and creative writing. I want my kids to be able to be themselves and to do the things that make them happy. Matthew doesn't seem interested in letting Lane do what makes him happy and I'm afraid he'll be the same way with my children. I'm afraid he won't let the athletes play sports because their practices and games would interfere with hunting season. I'm also afraid he'll destroy my nerdy son's self esteem and make him think it's a bad thing to like the things they like and that he'll keep my son who likes theater from participating in it.
Finally, I don't think Matthew likes my kids very much. He doesn't like me very much, so I think my kids are disliked by association. I don't want him raising them, but I feel bad that it'll mean my sister wouldn't get them either. They're not even on the list of prospective guardians. I named my parents as the guardians, my in laws as the guardians if my parents can't do it, my husband's two brothers after them, and two of my uncles and two of my aunts after them. My question is, SHOULD I feel bad about not making my sister the guardian of my children when she made me the guardian of hers? Am I justified? And how do I tell my sister if she ever asks me who the guardians.
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Well if you don't want to then don't. It's as simple as that you should't feel bad sure she made you the guardian of her kid but she did that cause she wanted to and if she asks you who the guardians say the truth and say your sorry if she wanted to be the guardian but what's done is done.
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You are doing the right thing. Your sister if she was single and this man not in the picture and she was able to afford care of, would make a good prospect. That is not the case. With the type of man that this brother in law is, you are doing the best thing to protect your children based on what you see now. If in the future she divorces that man and remarries a kind wonderful man who'd make a good substitute dad for your kids, then at that time you can change the will. As long as you are alive, keep watch on those you've appointed as guardians just in case and if someone who is great prospect now goes off the deep end in the future, again, change who the guardians of your kids would be in case you die. This is not a situation where you are supposed to reciprocate. You choose a guardian couple based on how good and loving a parental couple they would make. Your sister might love your kids but the influence of her goodness would be cancelled out by his bad erratic behavior. My ex verbally abused me and although he yelled at the kids sometimes, his mental illness issue was with adult women so the kids werent attacked verbally but trust me, they are all adults now, 3 girls and i see now the damage that growing up with their own dad did to them. Each ones life is affected in some major way that dictates their decisions or lack of them or avoidance when it comes to relationships now and I am so sorry to see that and wish I had left him when they were real little rather than wait until they were out of the home. It doesnt matter who is raising the kids, biological dad, adoptive male parent, the state, a guardian, whoever it is, needs to be the best possible parent to your kids. So you are doing right. I don't know if your sister in is denial of her situation with husband so it may be awkward to tell her if she asks that you have no problem with her but that since her husband automatically comes with her, you feel he is not a good choice at all to raise your kids. If it were a different guy she was married to that you approve of at the time, you would be okay with having her and husband listed as guardians. That is the truth. If she is too personally offended by this, then perhaps she isn't the best choice herself at this point in time. Its hard not to offend family at times. Its happened to me twice in my life. Mom taking offense and not speaking to me for a year, dad offended and telling all family that I rejected some free firewood he dumped in my yard, construction teardown full of nails and it was in the yard where my little kids played. My sister took offense on his behalf and neither spoke to me for about 8,9 months. I had done nothing wrong, just making a wise and best decision to not have nail studded wood scattered in huge piled in my backyard making it unsafe for my kids. You are the mom. You must think of their best interests first cus if not you, they have no one else who is going to look out for what is best for them. Thats what is the essence of a good nurturing mother and you are one of them.
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Short answer; No you should not feel bad for not naming your sister as a guardian for your children.
As parents it is our responsibility to raise our children to be good citizens. How we chose to raise them is strictly up to us. If we cannot be there to raise them to maturity then we must choose the best person or people who will follow how we have chosen to raise our children. This is exactly what you have done by choosing the people you have chosen.
If by chance any of the people you have chosen live close to you this is another reason for choosing them over your sister. Losing their parents is going to be hard on the children. To then uproot them and move them halfway across the country should be avoided if at all possible.
Should these people you have chosen live near you this is the reason you give your sister. That loosing you would be hard enough you did not want to take them far from what is normal for them. If she is the good mother you say she is she will understand. For keeping them together and keeping as much normalcy in their lives is what will help them heal and move on.
Hopefully what you are preparing for is just that; preparation just incase and you will be around to play with your grandchildren and hopefully some great grandchildren.
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