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Going aboard for study leaving Mum alone, whose husband passed away
TO WHOM IT IS READING
FIRST, I MUST THANK FOR YOUR ATTENTION. I AM A HONG KONG STUDENT AND HAVE GOT A CHANCE TO GO ABOARD LEARNING IN THE USA. I AM POOR AND IT IS AN UTTERLY GREAT CHANCE FOR ME TO GAIN THE EXPEREINCE.
HOWEVER, WHAT I AM CONCERNING IS MY MUM WHOSE HUSBAND HAS DIED WILL BE LEFT ALONE AS I STEP AWAY. I HAVE TALKED TO HER FOR THOUSANDS TIMES, AND SHE HAS BEEN AGREEING TO LET ME GO, BUT WITH A FACE GRIEVOUSLY PAINTED. SHE ALSO SAID THAT IF I AM REALLY WORRIED WITH HER I CAN JUST STAY BEHIND AND IGNORE THE CHANCE. I KNOW SHE WILL BE MISSING ME SO MUCH AND I AM QUITE SURE THAT WITHOUT ME THE WOMAN WHO IS STEPPING 60S WILL DEFINITELY FEEL HOPELESS OR EVEN CRY PROVIDED NO RELATIVES HERE. I AM REQUIRED TO REPLY BY JAN 5 2016 BUT I FEEL REALLY DIZZY AND UNDETERMINED. I HOPE SOMEONE CAN HELP ME SORT THE BEST WAY OUT BY STATING ME THE PROS AND CONS, OR HIS OPINION. THANKS.
BECOMING CRAZY GUY
WIGZART
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
This is not a question where we can tell you to go or stay but one where we can maybe help you see the forest for the trees. In other words see a more clear picture of what you see as a dilemma.
You do not say that mom is in poor health needing a caregiver. If this is true then this is one problem that is not of a concern here. Mom being 60 is not considered old today. I read an article recently where it was said that today's 60 is yesterdays 40. Meaning mom is still quite young as long as she is in good health.
Opportunities like this do not come along very often. When they do we should take advantage of the opportunity if at all possible. Depending on where you will be living in the states Hong Kong is an 8 to 12 hour plane ride. You will have a return airline ticket. If your absence is too much on your mother you can be home within 24 hours .
There are also ways of making the distance closer between you. If mom can have access to a computer, it does not have to be an expensive one. IT just has to be capable of operating the Skype app. Set up a time you can Skype mom from wherever you are each day. This will do you both good. It will allow mom to miss you less by allowing you to tell her about your day and to see you each day and you here which will make you less home sick. I'm sure both you and mom have some friends and you can ask them to keep an eye on mom for you.
If this is a High school or college exchange program you will only be cone 4 or 5 months and both schools let out for summer break at the end of May to the middle of June depending on what part of the country you go to. This is a great opportunity and you should give it every consideration towards going. You will make new friends as well as learn new things.
My sister hosted several exchange students all of which she has stayed in touch with. One of them a young girl from Russia has in a manner of speaking became a member of the family and calls me Uncle. She has immigrated to the states and has become a citizen now that she is an adult. She has gone on to law school, married and has a young son. The opportunity to go to law school would not have come to be had she not taken advantage of the exchange program. By the way her family in Russia was and is dirt poor.
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If I am to understand you correctly, you are the only child, your Dad or her husband has died. She has no living sisters or brothers or cousins and no friends. Is she ill and incaple of looking after herself? Does she require a caregiver and have you been doing that for her because if there is no medical reason for you to remain at her side or her being very ill and in danger of dying soon, then there is no reason for you to stay with her other than the fact she is going to be lonely. I understand feeling badly when she looks so lonely and like you are abandoning her. But there is another way to look at this.
It is possible that she never developed a life of her own other than immersing herself into living for her husband and child/children. The women who do this, feel a great loss when husband dies and their child becomes an adult and begins to move on into their adult life path. This is a natural process for you and must happen. Mom will need to learn how to develop other things of importance to take up her time now. This doesnt mean she'll never see you again. For you to give up your adult life to remain at her side only helps her to remain stuck and unable to move on. It also ruins your ability to really help her later in her older age if you did not go and get the best schooling and get the best job to help take care of her as she gets older. You will marry and have children to provide her with grandkids to love and once again have purpose and joy. But if you give up all your dreams for her starting right now, its very possible that you may never marry because Mom makes her sad face and always gets what she thinks she wants, for her to come first over what is best for her own adult child so that no spouse would stand for you putting them last in importance. A person can handle many people of differing levels of importance. So you can handle going after your dreams, opportunities, dating and finding a good job and marrying. But if she tries to make you feel guilty, then she is being selfish. I am a Mother with grown children and one I havent seen in 3 yrs as she isn't living close. I do talk by phone with her to keep in touch. Its not the same thing but I do have my own life and don't need my adult children hovering over me to keep me company. Even some moms who still have their husband are not happy when kids move away to follow their dreams. I would say to get the best phone plan you can get where you can make international calls that wont be too much cost and keep in touch with her. If she has computer, teach her before you go how to use Skype so she can type to you and see your face on screen. Encourage her right now to get involved in groups, and if she has no hobbies and groups she wants to join to make new friends, then how about volunteer work in soup kitchens, in hospitals, visiting sick children or the elderly, volunteering to help teachers at schools, and so many other things like that.
While you could perhaps go to school in your country and gain the same degree, this doesnt change Moms problem. Kids who go to colleges in their own town or some distance away but in same country in driving distance, may live and stay at the school they need to go to so even there the parents already have no child at home. Its not going to another country that is the problem dear, its that Mom is not willing to cut the cord and knows exactly what she is doing by making her sad faces and playing the guilt game with you. At some point, you may end up done with school and get a job offer far from home. Mom may not be willing to move and ask you not to take the job or perhaps ask you not to marry and start a family of your own because she'd feel left behind. She wouldn't be because she cant see far enough ahead to you having a chance to see a country you couldnt afford to go visit later after you finish school get a job and marry. Most young people who want to see some other place in the world do it by where they attend college or they go touring the world on a tight budget long before they settle down.
Just talk with her and let her know you love her and if you stay with her, there won't be a good future for you to be able to share with her later if you keep changing your plans to keep her company. Now I say again if shes very ill and not capable of taking care of herself, you'll need to check into agencies in your area that help take care of the sick or elderly and get her set up with that. Tell the school yes and then do what you need to make sure Mom has someone to look after her if shes not able to do so herself. Otherwise, go to the US and start your life. I know all about honoring the parents and this is not one of those cases as far as I believe, because a parents currents wishes that they may want you to honor may just kill their very future with you. If being parted for a while is what makes the difference in how comfortable a future you may be able to give her, then it is worth it. It is also worth it to you to follow your opportunities and dreams so that you dont remain behind and become bitter or upset over what you gave up due to the guilt she placed on you because it can lead to you becoming irritated with her and treating her less than nice due to how you feel. We cant see that coming up ahead but a good example is people who marry but are guilted into changing who they are to keep the person in their life to marry them. However the one who had to give up things and change themselves becomes bitter and it breaks up marriages. If it can do that, theres the chance that you allowing Mom to dictate what choices you make as an adult can come between you and her in the future. You can handle it now but as you see others who have come back from school in other countries, you might feel cheated and have regrets and begin to be angry with her for what you have lost and can never regain. ANd having that kind of resentment come between you and your Mom is something that will hurt her a lot longer than the short time you were away. This would hurt your relationship possibly for the rest of her life. Thats what you need to think about.
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