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HELP I NEED SOME ADVICE ON FRIENDS
I'll use fake names
(My friend)- Barbie
(Her crush)- Adam
Ok so my best friend "Barbie" has a crush and i fully support her having a crush on him. She likes this guy named "Adam" and i think he likes her too. Well the bad thing is that he lives on my street and her parents say she is not allowed to date yet. Barbie lives 15 minutes away by walking. The first time she went to his house was when she told her mom that she was going to my house to do a project. She actually just came to go to his house. I was little hurt that she used me. So she went and she had her first kiss yay for her. For a few weeks i would let her come over but she would always go to his house instead of spending time with me. BUT IM TIRED OF DOING IT, but im afraid im going to hurt her. her mom would pick her up in front of my house pretending that she just came out of my house and i had to make excuses to why she was at our house. My parents do not know she came over. they are becoming suspicous. today Adam texted her saying that he wanted her to come over and she was so excited. I told her that she couldnt because i was afraid of getting in trouble and that she could walk to his house. Then i told her if she wants things to work for them then they got to work something out instead of bringing me into it. Then she cried and got pissed at me. I felt horrible because she was upset.
WHAT DO I DO. I hope im not a bad friend... Sorry for being dramatic i just really need advice...
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Secretwinkie said everything I would say. No you are not a bad friend. But she is actually the bad friend for 'expecting' you from the first time to be her excuse so she could fool her parents and go visit Adam. My mind wonders if each these times, Adams parents are home or gone. If gone, she and he may be tempted some day soon to have sex and she could become a pregnant teen. Then what? The anger she has against you would pale in comparison to her new situation! She is breaking trust with her parents which is wrong. She needs to come up with an alternate idea that her parents may not have thought of, that they might agree to. I did this for my daughters. Told them if any boy wanted to date them or be their boyfriend and they liked him in return, just to invite him to come hang at our house when I was home. If i caught that happening when I wasn't that privilege is taken away. They could be in her bedroom but door must be open or spend time in dining or living areas together, same as when their girlfriends came over to visit. Parents have these rules cus they remember how strong first attractions and love is and how easy it is for a girl to get into trouble-being pregnant, even with good intentions. If she asked her parents for this and they agreed, she would have no need to sneak behind their backs to see him. In our teens, the part of our brain that can see the pitfalls to any decisions we make, is not yet developed fully and wont be until we are in mid 20s so its so easy for teens to see only one path, one answer, even if its sneaking around.
You did the right thing but need to explain your parents suspicions as to you canceling the deal.
Let her know this. Heres what happens if your parents found out (other than you telling them) you were helping her by being her excuse so she could sneak off to Adams: Your parents could forbid you to ever associate with her because they see her now as a possible bad influence on you. As a parent of only girls, if their close friend started sneaking around with a guy, it would make me awfully nervous and I can see myself telling them to drop the girl as a friend.
Second, instead of not trusting Barbie, or perhaps including not trusting Barbie, your parents might worry about you. The thinking would be, if my daughter can help her friend be dishonest to her own mother, just how much can I trust my own daugther? They may bring great restrictions down on you regarding dating if you are yet or not and be constantly checking up on your whereabouts to the point of embarassment and teasing from friends. YOu don't want any of that to happen which is most surely can. If your friend becomes vengeful and does things to try to get back at you or get you in trouble with your parents on purpose in other situations, then you may need to let the parents know what is going on. You might let them know it wasnt your idea but she begged you to let you be her cover and after the one time she kept repeating it not really wanting to see you, you felt used, you began to realize this was a bad situation she placed you in. Save our advice responses to show the parents. They need to know you realized you were in a bad situation and wanted advice but were too afraid to tell them. I hope they will remember what its like at that age and understand and forgive you. But they would also realize that you were actually being responsible by reaching out and asking for help and advice.
Now remember, in our teens, girls suffer the emotional effects of puberty for quite some time, long after the bodys have curved out. I had 3 girls so I know what its like, the smallest thing seeming so big and bad, easily irritated, or angered for nothing. So your friends reaction is normal.
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This is a pretty classic situation. I don't know how old you are, but I remember going through something like this with a friend of mine in high school. Your problem is not uncommon, and I don't think that you're a bad friend for looking out for yourself in all of this. You have to look out for yourself! Friends may come and go, but you will be with yourself forever.
It looks like there are two main problems here:
1. Barbie is coming to your house just to see Adam, and it hurts your feelings because you feel used, and
2. Your parents are becoming suspicious and you are worried about getting into trouble.
Firstly, you need to understand that when a girl has a crush for the first time, it can be very powerful. Your friend is feeling a lot of things right now, and is very attached to Adam. She is likely to overreact to any kind of threat to their relationship, even if you are being very reasonable (which you are!)
I think that it may be helpful to address your feelings, using "I" statements. An "I" statement talks about your feelings rather than about her actions, so it doesn't feel like an attack on her. An example of this would be, "I feel hurt when you come over just to go to Adam's house. It makes me feel used." She may not realize that she is making you feel this way; remember, she is very occupied with her feelings.
The next thing you should address is the fact that your parents are becoming suspicious. Explain that while you really want to help her and are supportive of her relationship, your parents are becoming suspicious and you're going to get caught if you keep this up. Tell her that you are worried about losing your parents' trust; add that if this happened, she wouldn't be able to use your house as an excuse anyways, so it's better to find a different way to visit Adam, such as walking to his house.
You sound like a very sweet friend, and I understand your frustrations. I hope that everything works out for the best!
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