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Do I, or do I not forgive?
I have a friend group of 7 girls including myself. 2 of the girls have rudely confronted me about my "lack of motivation" to go to school, my rare use of marijuana, and my "overuse" of alcohol. They all have drank many times before also, so I am not the only one. They're claiming that I am a bad influence on them and that I'm ruining their reputation with mine (I'm known as the partier of my grade/the girl who misses a lot of school). They've disregarded me telling them that I miss so many days of school because I have major depressive disorder and in the past month 3 people I was close to have died. I also have ADHD and I hate taking adderall for it, and I have to take adderall whenever I go to school. I barely ever smoke marijuana, but when I do, I use it for sleep since I have chronic insomnia. I only drink in social situations (at parties), and one of the two girls that is claiming that I drink too much, drinks alcohol everyday after school normally. They both have gotten 2 more girls in our friend group to dislike me and they're now saying that if I don't stop using drugs, cut back on my drinking, and to stop making excuses and come to school, they're going to kick me out of our friend group because the majority wants me out. The 2 friends who are on my side and are sticking up for me are getting caught in the crossfire and getting yelled at for still being friends with me. I don't want to forgive them because I do not want to be friends with people that want me to change myself and I don't want to really hangout with them all the time, but I'm also putting my 2 friends sticking up for me through hell and ripping apart my friend group. I don't know what to do.
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I have a very different opinion of the situation, I think, although it doesn't seem like it, your friends are really trying to help. I understand that you're going through a rough time, but things like drugs and alcohol don't help - if anything, they make things worse. Your friends are probably struggling to know what to do, and you have to think of it in their point of view. I mean, they are obviously worried about you and don't know what to do, so they are approaching this in a whole new way. I don't think they are trying to change you, I think they're trying to help you, but it's hard to see that. Yes, they should be supportive and sensitive to your situation but, put yourself in their shoes for a minute - what would you do? If they carried on letting you drink and take drugs then they'd be bad friends, right? They're going about this the wrong way, but it sounds like a desperate attempt to help you.
Forgiving them, however, is completely up to you. If you don't want to change then no one has the right to change you! You are clearly going through a tough time and you need your friends more than ever right now, and that's when they should be there for you. Try talking to them, I know it sounds cliche but honestly it works wonders. You can get to the bottom of why they are doing this and where you should go from here. They should be supportive of you, you have every right to be angry! But it all depends on how angry you are. If you don't want to change and don't want to listen to your friends and you're angry about what they've done, maybe it's time to go your separate ways.
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This is going to be very brief because there's not much to say. Do you. Always do you. Don't let ANYONE tell you to act a certain way or be a certain way. Honestly, I think that you need new friends. They don't sound like they're getting you anywhere. You need people that will bring you up, not put you down. Especially with everything your going through. This might be bad advice, but leave them before they leave you. If you wanna talk anymore, I'm here. I promise. :)
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I know people can get fired from a job if not following through with the guidelines, policies, rules taught to a new employee. What you mention sounds like getting kicked out of a job only a group of friends. I don't believe anyone can prevent a person from being friends with someone they wish to. Friendship is not like paying an allegiance to someone or lets say if you work for McDonalds, you don't tell customers to go elsewhere to buy their food, you must remain devoted to the company you work for. But the part we sometimes forget is that no one forces us to work somewhere where we don;t believe in or agree with their policies, the same as if we don't like how we are treated on a job or by certain people, you have the choice to not stay and take the crap.
A group of friends is not like a membership group either where one must pay money dues to join. You never had to pay any money to join and be part of a group of 7 girls. If any are being 2 faced and you're tired of it, leave them. Don't try to change their minds. Their minds likely aren't capable of making such a huge step right now simply because they are physiologically not able to. The part of the brain needed to make good decisions, see possible future repercussions, and make good judgement calls, understand people who are different from yourself, is a part of the brain that doesnt mature until the mid 20s and for some its more like the late 20s. But scientists have proven with tests that for most, its not until mid 20s that people stop judging others, acting petty, 2 faced, making bad decisions, etc.
Its not the number of friends one has but the quality of the few that is important. So what if you end up with only 2 close friends. I will say this dear, if you wanted to be my friend but said I could no longer associated with a mutual friend who is attacking you, not only would I no longer associate with those who attack you but I would also choice to no longer associate with you for demanding that I make a choice to never hang out with them again. Some peoples personality type is to be the peacemaker, not take sides and simply try to be friends with two opposite warring tribes or persons. The tactic of attempting to avoid war or fights has long been used through history. I see no reason for you to be upset with the 2 friends who stick with you and won't gree to any insults from the rest. But its up to you to decide what you are going to do.
Lastly, Forgiveness is more about you than the others. People don't often need to hear that someone has decided to forgive them, especially if they're not quite sure they were in the wrong or if they never were. Forgiveness is for the heart and wellfare of the one who needs to forgive and not hold a grudge. The reason why is this: If you choose to not forgive them, it really doesnt hurt them, they will go on doing what they do and be glad to not have to associate with you because you are choosing to not see them as part of your non forgiveness. Now on the other side, inside you, your percievedd injustices are churning around and you can't stop focusing your thoughts on what you feel are wrongs done against you, and your thoughts draw in the action of certain emotions, those emotions long term with cause stress and stress has to go somewhere. Stress will affect a person either physically, mentally or emotionally.
Examples are mentally a person has a breakdown and develops a mental illness or anxieties and depression, emotionally a person becomes so bitter they go through their entire life looking through bitter glasses, not rose colored ones and no one wants to be in their life. Or physically stress brings stomach ulcers, rashes, headaches and migraines, cancer and heart problems. We are not meant to go on forever holding a grudge or unforgiveness or choosing to place ourselves in situations that are stressful 24/7 with no down time to recuperate. People choose to remain in a bad job, a bad marriage or bad friendships often for financial reasons or feeling theres no way they can find anything better, or the fear of change and something/someone new, itself. I know, as I chose to stay in a bad 1st marriage too long for all the wrong reasons.
I don't know you so I really don't have any idea if you do suffer a lack of motivation or not, or drink too much or not. I get insomnia too and use pot for it. It helps me to sleep. I have no problem with use for medical reasons or just for relaxing but don't feel use of it while on the job, or using equipment, driving a vehicle is safe since there are some types that are strong enough to impair a person same as alcohol for driving. One should know how their body handles the pot they use, how long the affects linger and use it responsibly, same as with alcohol. You mention wanting to get off adderol and I can understand that many just cant live happily with the side effects, a nephew of mine being one who decided to stop taking it. A certain ingrediant in food was proven in some tests by certain schools to have a common affect on the attention spans of pupils.
My 2nd husband put his daughter into a Montessori school. Its like a private school with certain rules parents must promise to follow including hours of time they must volunteer at the school. The crazy thing is that sugar was banned from the diets of any child attending there. A teacher could easily tell which student had sugar the day before and would call and question the parents, and after too many such incidents, the child was no longer allowed to attend. The result of no sugar in diet meant no one had attention deficit or was hyperactive. In a tour, of a 1st grade class, all the students were silently doing their work, not one found figeting or restless, or not paying attention to what they were working on. So even if you truly do have ADHD and want to get off it, you may be able to do so after learning to have a sugar free diet and cut out caffeine, coffee drinks and energy booster drinks plus candys and desserts. Even the so called
'diet sweeteners' still have affect on those with diabetes or who can't handle sugar for other reasons. Diet sugar is only to prevent gaining extra pounds but you still get the sugar effects. Keep that in mind.
As for a depressive disorder, I would like you to know about CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy...a non medication way to learn to address and anxieties or depressions and become free of those things. It is best to find a psychologist who is specifically trained in CBT. There's aren't many but the number is growing because people who werent helped by meds were getting results with this. I'll give you the website of a psychologist who wrote books about it for the average people like you and I. I've read 2 of them. What I read makes sense and cured me of severe social anxiety some time long ago when I came across the same advice from another source. However most of what I read made me realize, it is extremely difficult to self diagnose and I still recommend a proper psychologist who if using CBT and you're a good candidate for it, won't need to see you for years. People get results from just several visits as long as they are willing to apply the exercises wholeheartedly. Heres a website that Dr. David D. Burns created that is devoted to helping along this vein.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
You might try asking there for referrals to Dr. in your area if you are willing to try. If you're under 18, you can research but may want to show it to the parents and ask to be able to be treated by such a person. In meanwhile, try cutting sugar out and see how you do dear. I'd love to hear back to see how things go for you.
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