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My best friend and my new boyfriend don't like eachother?
First off, I'm 21 and female.
I just started dating a new guy after breaking off an engagement a year ago, taking 7 months to just get back to being myself, and going on several dates with men that led to nowhere.
I really like this guy and I've already spent a lot of time with him. He's funny, smooth, college educated charismatic, and has good life goals. I'm also very attracted to him (more so than with previous dates) which is a big deal for me because I don't find myself attracted to most men I meet.
However, my best friend doesn't approve of him. She doesn't think his sense of humor is funny and she doesn't trust him at all. He goes to her University and she looked up his name in the student directory and didn't find anything. I wound up finding out from him (after I confronted him about it) that it was because he's had a legal name change and was under some kind of protection order after an ex girlfriend went psycho. Because I confronted him about it, I of course had to tell him how I knew he wasn't in the directory because I go to a different college. He wound up getting a little upset at my best friend because they share the same ethnicity and religious upbringing and he couldn't understand why somebody who goes through the same challenges of being stereotyped due to their background everyday would be so quick to throw somebody else dealing with the same struggles under the bus.
She doesn't believe him no matter what I say, she thinks he's lying and that he doesn't go to school at all. I feel like that would be a stupid thing to lie about though and he's told me stories about his classes and other things that match up so he'd have to be lying about all that too. Any time I try to tell her I don't believe he's lying and why I think that, she says I'm "justifying" and now anytime I say anything about him she says he lying.
She's never actually met him by the way.
Of course I still plan on asking for his student ID next time I see him to be sure but by her saying all this stuff it's making me paranoid too and I feel bad about it.
What do I do? Obviously this isn't a good start because now neither of them like each other. I love my best friend (that I've known for years and I really like this guy and I don't want this kind of tension going on between them. I don't want this to be the start of the end of our relationship because it's been a long time since I've felt so strongly about somebody. I really mean it when I say I like him a lot and it's not just an infatuation.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Im going to make this very basic for you. Females can get jealous of other females happiness.
They can be very controlling over other close friends to the point where they will attempt to even sabotage your relationship with that person in an effort to keep you all to themselves.
Talk to her, find out what her chain of logic is behind WHY she specifically doesnt like him, and go from there. humans can be very simple creatures if you think about it.
Let me break this down for you:
When you go to the zoo or some place that has animals, you always see peacocks amongst plain old birds, like pigeons and what not. Peacocks will be everywhere because really, they dont like to be contained. Infact they'll just die if they cant explore the area they live in and look for new things but they always come back to where they really want to be for whatever reason it is that fulfills THEM. Now a pigeon is just a plain old looking bird, thats average and not special from any of the other birds around.
Now as a human we all think "god i would love to have a beautiful peacock to keep and adore forever" because of how special they are, how beautiful they are and how they capture the attention of everyone around them...
Well EVERYONE wants a peacock yet they are hard to attain and keep because of the spirit to do their own thing and not want to be hindered by others....and it sounds to me like you are a peacock, trying to discover new things and meet new people and your friend is acting like an average pigeon. Jealous, not capable of just being happy for someone else.
you sound like a peacock trusting a pigeon hunny. Altho your friend might have raised an alarm bell about his ID at school, it still sounds to me like she cant stand him being around and giving him a chance and thats not fair. shes putting you in an awkward place, and sooner or later your going to have to ask her why she cant just be happy for you and speak up. Dont let someone put that kind of doubt about your own boyfriend in your mind like that. Its toxic and poisonous to the relationship. Listen and hear her out if you care for her but trust your own judgement when it comes to certain things.
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First, your bff doesn't have any valid reason with proof to not trust him. Its just a feeling she has. Just because she trusts you and the two of you mesh well together does not mean that the two of you may be attracted to the same kind of guy. She doesnt have to like his sense of humor or develop the kind of deep emotional trust in him as you do. If you know her to have a very keen womens intuition from past events where she's had a bad hunch but no initial proof where in time something was revealed to be bad, then I can see you feeling a bit unnerved about this. But unless she's got an uncanny somewhat psychic sense that is always 100% on the mark, then its best to thank her for her concern but learn to exercise your own intuition. Early in a relationship, even if its just new friends, you basically give people the benefit of the doubt, you chose to view them as innocent until they prove themselves guilty. If you are an alert person you will eventually see inconsistancies in people, and though you may still be on guard but proceeding as if you fully trust a person, you basically make them relax enough to be themselves, stop pretending or hiding things and its in essense, giving them enough rope to hang themselves as my hubby says.
Don't worry about her liking or not liking him. She's not the one who is dating him and she doesn't have to someday in the future, move in with him or get married to him. She is likely making comparisons from her own thoughts and past experiences of someone who may seem similar subconsciously but nothing she's aware of consciously. You will need to use some tact in doing your investigations about him. Point blank asking him to show his student ID next time you see him could really hurt his feelings that you dont trust him especially if he's not hiding anything except hiding from a nutcase. I have a girlfriend who moved across country with her toddler to get away to an abusive husband who kept tracking her down. People do what they have to in order to be safe.
IF you feel you must see this ID card, just ask if he carries any photo's in his wallet. While wallets open, ask what any of the other cards are, like oh, what bank do you bank at, ask to see his driver license photo and then do you have a student ID card in here too? Unless the school requires all students to have one, I believe for some its a choice to get a card with your pic on it to identify you as a student to get special rates on school rated things or even out in society if there are student and senior rates offered for events. If I were you, I'd spend more time asking him questions about himself. His family, any siblings, where he grew up, what degree he's going for, is he working his way thru school, if so, what job he does. You can ask about his views on social events, politics if any, what his moral beliefs are, his religious ones if any, his hopes and dreams, his hobbies, memories from childhood. I am with my second husband just over 6 years and we did a lot of talking and sharing and what we shared was as consistant as our actions so we knew we could trust each other. trust in the beginning isn't the same kind of full fledged trust you'll have after time has proven a person trustworthy or
not. Try this, keep a journal each night of what you and he discussed, the main things he has told you, word for word. Also record how he acts towards you when he is happy, sad, tired, sick, stressed, angry. The best partner is someone who will treat you fairly no matter how he is feeling or at least warn you he needs some down time to his self to recooperate. Others find themselves grounded again by spending time in the presense of a loved one. I used a dating site to find my 2nd husband and did better that way than the first time around. But before I found him, I wrote or phone called with many guys. I looked for negative thinking from them, AND i looked for inconsistencies. One guy at my suggestion of meeting at a coffee shop stated he hated coffee shops and he was busy, lets talk again next week about meeting. When he next wrote stating, lets meeet at such and such coffee shop, I asked, did you mean to mention something other than that and just say it accidently? I wonder because last time you told me you hated going to coffee shops. his reaction was to write that he had a right to change his mind about what he likes without getting the 3rd degree. Needless to say, I crossed him off the list. The inconsistancy wasn't a problem, sure he can change his mind, but hate is a strong word and his reaction was too overly touchy and angry and self defensive so thats a sign something is wrong.
If ever your guy isn't comfortable sharing something, it could be that there are emotions involved where he isn't ready to share his story yet. Then ask if he might be willing to share at a later time then, once you've both gained more trust in each other. If he says no, it is hard to get to know a person who will not share their thoughts, stories and everything about them cus you're not a mind reader. It may be good not to get your hopes up or heart involved here. If he says yes to sharing later, then trust that he will. Until he has proven himself unworthy of being with you, trust him. So what if he had to have a name change to protect himself. before you say or do anything with him in trying to get to know him, put yourself in his shoes. Imagine, changing your name to hide from an old stalker abusive boyfriend and this guy is now questioning you about having a new name. Invite him to meet your family, get their feeling about him. Ask to meet his. If he won't let you visit them or put you in touch over phone or via internet if they are long distance, then somethings up cus a guy who really likes a gal likes to show her off to his family and friends. Meet his friends. The type of people he tends to have for friends, if all are the same, like partying, drunks, may be a good insight into what a part of him is truly like. Maybe he likes wild partying but doesnt want to scare a girl away. But his family and friends aren't trying to win you over and most likely are going to be themselves and a good source of information and stories about him with him present. I'd advise to not go snooping in his phone, wallet or convo's with family/friends behind his back...that is a sign of not having trust/being too suspicious a person, and not likely to be taken well be him, not you either if it was done to you.
People who are under a protection order from legal law for their safety do not ever use their previous birth name. You and he could break up at some point in the future and you inadvertently mention his real name. So if he is in college under one name but still using his real name in introductions, or on license or other legal paperwork, then he is tempting fate, thinking he's now safe from a psycho old girlfriend. If he is using two names, then perhaps it wasnt a legal new secret identity through the police and courts but something he did himself, thinking that a school would be the only way the ex gf tried to track him down You don't know if that is his explanation cus if thats' the case, everything lines up correctly and theres no hidden bad secrets here. You may want to caution him to be safe and do a real legal name change to something of his choice. Its all too easy if one is suspicious like your gf to imagine something more an action/thriller chase movie, where the ex gf starts dating a cop, a bad cop who thinks she's in love with him but all to beg him to look your current boyfriend by car license number, his soc. # or driver license number if she has that or just by name to see what he comes up with. She could tell him it's a cousin who just disappeared and stopped contact with family and they're all worried about him. If the only place he is using a fake name is at school, then he can be traced by his real name elsewhere.
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