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Thought of as a freak for my relationships - both friends and love
Hi first off I'm a female adult, but still a young one living at home attending college. And I apologize for the long inquiry
My entire life I've been abused ( physically, sexually, and emotionally) by people my own age that I trusted. Ever since I can remember I've preferred associating with people older than me, they treat me better, make me feel safe, and I relate better to them. This also counts for guys I am attracted to. Unfortunately this has become a very big issue with people. People I know close to my age, and even my own mother, have started degrading me for my feelings. I'm called a slut for liking older guys (yes even by my mother) and pathetic for having older friends. My mom makes it a weekly point to remind me that none of my older friends like me, because what could they see in me, and that it's pathetic that I think they do....Are they all right? Am I really a freak for preferring older friends? A slut for liking older (10-15 years) guys? I can't tell anymore.
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I absolutely LOVE older guys. You are not a slut for that. People only say that because they see you are finally approaching a breakthrough in your life and they don't want that for you. You keep doing what you're doing and don't look back. You're a college student so have fun and work hard. Be careful, there are total creeps out there that could seriously hurt you. You said it yourself, you're an adult! They have no right to pry into your life because you're a grown woman now. Assert your dominance over your life and stand up for yourself. Tell your mom how you feel and tell her that you know what you want and she can't stop you from having it. Show everyone how grown you really are and take control over your life. Don't let their words get to ya, stay strong. Thanks for your time, I hope I really helped.
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It's very unfair of your friends, and especially so of your mother, to strongly criticise and start using words like slut (simply not accurate, never mind not appropriate) because you prefer older friends and boyfriends/potential boyfriends. This is in itself a form of emotional abuse when it's causing you to doubt yourself, and your own judgement, and making you feel like some kind of 'freak (which again is just not accurate or fitting). You're not a slut or a freak. It's a big shame that you were let down and abused in such ways by people in a position of trust. There may be some relationship of course, you link friends of your own age with abuse and exploitation and breaking of trust/confidence? And thus are drawn to older company, both social and romantic? I can see that your mum is probably a bit concerned, knowing your history I assume, and can probably see that older and more 'worldly' (more life-experience) might in her mind pose a greater threat of you being hurt again. The common view of this kind of exploitation is usually a younger female as the victim of older people. However, this was NOT the case with you ('general cases' are meaningless anyway, all cases are paricular/unique in some respect). And undermining you and destroying your self-confidence like this is completely the wrong way to go about expressing concern too. It's no less imposing her will on you than your previous abusers. At the end of the day you'll spend time with, and date/have relationships with people you connect with, identify with and in the case of partners, find physically attractive too. If they're a little older, that's not a problem. You can't live your life based on whther your mum and/or friends approve of your actions. Saying you can't fancy a guy say, 12 years your senior and urging you towards a same-age boyfriend is really not a sound policy. Just doesn't work like that, does it? Obviously, you choose your own friends and boyfriends. There does seem to be a bit of an issue unresolved here that you really should do all you can to resolve though. This lingering fear that all people your own age are not trustworthy and out to use, abuse and exploit you. Now this certainly cannot be the case. The fact that you have encountered some who obviously were is going to make you feel like this. But this does not mean all friends your own/similar age are going to be like this. So I'd advise you reach out and connect with same age friends NOT INSTEAD OF but IN ADDITION TO your older acquaintances? If they seem decent, give them a 'clean sheet' as it were don't judge them up-front based on what you've (so sadly) experienced before. Use your judgement to evaluate the friendship (how 'close' you feel happy to let them become etc) on an on-going, day-to-day basis. Keep your mind and options open, don't pre-judge anyone. You're a bit more savvy, a bit more wary because of what happened and that makes you a much better judge (though it's hard-won knowledge I know). The people who become special to us kind of evolve and develop into that relationship. They nominate and 'choose themselves' as you might say. Regradless of age, or anything else for that matter. So could we say, spend time with the people you feel happy, safe and comfortable around? If they're a little older, no problem. But don't simply 'shut out' potential friends from you own age group either purely because some have let you down in the past. It's difficult to rebuild your trust and confidence once it's been knocked down, but it is perfectly possible with effort. I wish you all the best.
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Age is just a number a way of chronologically tracking your grown. Once you reach the age of an adult tracking how old you are is not that important at least not in the affairs of the heart. I know that expression is a bit dated but then again so am I.
There is nothing wrong with you dating older men or women dating younger men just as long as you are doing so for the right reasons. You are correct in your reasoning that older men will treat you better. Older men are more worldly and have more experience. They have sowed their wild oats and are more likely to want to be more home loving than painting the town red every night.
One warning though; some older men like dating younger women for other reasons especially women closer to 18. These men could be latent pedophiles and this is where a girl must be careful.
As an adult of legal age, 18 an up, you don't owe anyone, including your mother, an explanation as to who you date or if you are sexually active. As an adult you have total free will to date whoever you wish and have a sex life as well.
I have a friend who was a paramedic stations at the same fire station I was. She married a police officer 12 years her senior. When he retired she resigned. They now travel the country and work part time whenever they need extra money. He worships her and gives her the world.
I'm old enough to be her father and probably old enough to be your grandfather. She had the same problems with her family with the age difference. She and I talked about it and I gave her the same advice I'm giving you.
Follow you heart for it is your life and no one else's. If you are as fortunate as she has been you mother will come around as her parents have.
As far as having to listen to the degrading remarks from your mother; I suggest you sit her down and talk to her. You start with; "Mom I love you but this is my life and I will live it to the way that pleases me." "You don't have to like it but as long as I live a legal life and maintain the standards society expects of all of us, then I expect you to let me live my life without the constant degrading remarks."
Of course put that in your own words, just remind her it is your life and you are an adult. Mom is not owed an answer to the question of why you prefer older men especially if she is aware of the abuse you have had to put up with.
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Every person has their preferences but do you imagine by the time you're only 40 your partner would be 50 55 years old? If this doesn't matter to you by all means be my guest. If you're only hanging it on your past please don't. I've been abused by my brother (sexually) and physically by my father. I live in a developing country where men harass women on the street for fun. I'm married now to a lovely man 4 years older than me. Even though my parents refused him for financial reasons but I managed to move out and marry on my own.
What I'm saying is I used to feel unsafe due to the abuse that happened to me in the past. But please don't take the easy way out of hiding under the shadow of an older person. Just be yourself.
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Your mother is a pill as are the others who are critics. I bet the same people wouldn't want you saying critical things about them. You should hit back with a remark of your own a few times until they see they can't do this. Shut them down.
If you are 18-years-old you are an adult and can date any age bracket legally. Should you? This is up to you but maybe mom and others don't approve because the world of a 20 something is different than the 10-15 years older men. Is there anything wrong here? Well no. You're an adult and can and should date people who make you feel comfortable.
However, you need to get some help to deal with all the issues you mentioned and lack of trust with people your age and move on to be able to include them. It's not good for your health if you don't overcome this issue.
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