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Helping a spouse that won't help himself
When I met my husband 3 years ago he was obsessed with fitness and his body. Well now he is not at all and he has lost all his definition and has put on 20 pounds. He hates the way he looks and won't even take pictures because he knows he isn't in shape. But he doesn't even try to lose weight. He ordered 2 large pizzas yesterday and said one was for me. Well that was yesterday at 9:30 pm and today at 10pm (25 hours) he ate both pizzas. He gets up atleast twice at night just to eat and normally it is peanut butter on some sort of chip or cracker. So I have been calling him out on it because I want my sexy husband back and he told me to mind my own business. What do I do? I love my husband but I don't want him to be fat. So lost?
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It doesn't really work for a woman to tell her man that he needs to get in shape. Especially if he hates the way he looks. Dunno, imo they feel shitty for not being good enough or feel emasculated and depressed. So you telling them he's fat and needs to step it up probably just makes him feel worse and feels less motivated to work out.
Its hard to be motivated to go to the gym or work out if the sole reason is "cause I'm fat". I've been motivated to go to the gym to get muscle, not to not be fat. Especially hard when you have low self esteem cause your wife thinks you're fat and gross.
It may help to just encourage him to just do some curls and maybe some shoulder. Something easy with a dumbbell he can keep around and pick up once in a while. Say you want some "guns" or something. Curls are the easiest thing and you don't even have to stand up to do em. Don't even mention or lead on to the whole fat thing. Encourage him but don't nag him. He will start lifting it and once he starts feeling a little stronger he will do more and challenge himself more. Worked for me at least. I felt guilty sitting around doing nothing with the weight right by me. So I did curls, then after a while, added shoulders and kept adding until I was doing a whole body workout.
Besides the dumbbell/kettlebell and encouragement (and no nagging), I also suggest not buying junk food. If you're the one doing the shopping, don't buy junkfood. Sometimes you wanna eat just cause its there and its good. I also suggest that you yourself get in better shape. It will be hard for him to see you start looking better and he stay the same. That'll motivate him, probably.
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Just another vote for him seeing a doctor. My first impression is much the same as Adviceman. Depression will either cause a person to overeat to feed their unhappiness or a person can lose the appetite to eat and lose too much weight as a daughter of mine did after a boyfriend left her and she became depressed. The thing about depression or anxieties is that they usually start with distorted/negative thinking and these thoughts are what our emotions feed on, our emotions are stored in our subconscious mind which then causes us to take actions or inaction to support those bad depressing feelings. Being this is going on in the subconscious, he may not even be aware consciously that he has a problem buried somewhere that triggered this change in him. So he may not believe you or feel a need to go see a Dr. But I can assure you that its the only way to go. Now many may not want to see a mental health specialist because of all the stories they hear of people (the vast majority) who are not helped or see no improvement. Only a small percentage actually require medication intervention and improve with it but for the rest the answer lies with what type of psychologist you go to see. The ones trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy are able to help people to help and heal themselves, but the person seeking help must be an active participant. To find such a Dr. in your area, I suggest writing in to a website of just such a Dr. who's written books ford people to read, self help books. I have read them and can tell you its much more complimented and takes someone like a professional to slowly try one after another of the exercises, after pin pointing the actual problem to get relief. This doesnt involve medication unless everything else fails which usually doesnt. And its months or handful of visits compared to on going therapy visits for years or life.
If you think it may help him to believe you, you can show him this website I'll give you. Good luck dear.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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If he is getting his medication from his familly doctor. Try and get him to see a psychiatrist for medication. The psychiatrist is really the better doctor for meds an he will get a bit of therapy each time he visits the psychiatrist for a med check.
Given that this is a change to his normal I will say this is one sign that he may be suffering from some form of depression. There are another of other signs such as getting up in the middle of the night to eat.
I am not a doctor or I am I qualified to make a diagnoses. I will go out on a limb here and say the problem is probably deep seated and not related to you or your marriage. Having suffered from depression myself I can tell you two things that you need to understand in order to help your husband if I'm correct in my thinking.
1. There are many triggers to depression, so do not try to figure out what has caused him to be depressed. Just be supportive.
2. Like many problems of this nature he is going to want be helped before you can get him help you cannot force help on him. Try and get him to let his doctor give him a complete physical. Tell him you want to rule out any organic reason for his weight gain and binge eating like say a tapeworm or something. Don't tell him you suspect he may be depressed.
When you arrange the appointment for his physical do tell the doctor you suspect he may be depressed and ask the doctor to screen him for depression. The screening for depression is a series of questions the doctor will ask in order to make a diagnoses. These questions asked during a physical would not seem out of the ordinary.
If your husband is diagnosed with depression and agrees to treatment. Most likely his doctor will suggest medication, possibly by a psychiatrist, I will explain why soon. As well as talk therapy with a psychologist.
Talk therapy is private and confidential. Do not ask your husband to share what is talked about in therapy. If he volunteers anything accept it on its face and do not press for any more information. This is how the therapy works best that he trust his therapist enough to share his deepest and darkest secrets with. Secrets he may not even want to share with his wife.
The reason a psychiatrist treats depression is that most people suffer from clinical depression. Clinical depression is actually a medical problem caused by a lack of certain hormones secreted into the brain. Since this is the are best treated by a psychiatrist the psychiatrist is the best Medical Doctor to treat Clinical Depression. Your family doctor knowledge of clinical depression only extends to that of what may have been learned if a rotation in psychiatry was done in residency.
Chose a Board Certified psychiatrist to prescribe for your husband. As they have done a fellowship in Psychiatry and the best qualified to treat patients suffering from all forms of depression.
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